Intimacy Issues

Intimacy Issues (Full Version)

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fallenangel17 -> Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:36:45 AM)
My Dominant does not have this issue...but i do. It has caused us repeated troubled as i continually pull away and need space which hurts Him greatly. i am sincerely asking for insight and help. It just seems i am only able to stay close for "so long" and then i feel the need to bolt. He and i have agreed that my need for this should be communicated but even this doesn't seem to solve the problem or address the issue. Has anyone dealt with a similar issue? And if so ...is there anything that can be done? i desire to submit and be a good submissive to Him for He is consistently there for me and good to me.

lilmissdefiant -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:40:49 AM)
What happens just before you feel the need to bold?

MistressRosalyn -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:42:18 AM)
May I ask, what do YOU feel the issue is? Is it based on something from your past that causes you to mistrust someone when things get too intense? Ask yourself what your fear is, and then listen to yourself. We from the outside can only suggest solutions from our points of view. Only YOU can discover what the real problem is, and how to solve it.

fallenangel17 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:48:01 AM)
You are both...as I say..."spot on". Things get intense...and honestly...very good...and then ...i need to bolt. i am aware that only i can discover what the real problem is...but i sincerely hope that by opening up/reaching out...i can determine what the issue is. Imagining others have had the same issue. As i said...i feel this is an itimacy issue. He seems perfectly fine staying close...i on the other hand have incredible issues with this...hence my ...uhm...great sense of humore...pardon me...just making yet another joke. i know i have this issue..just what to do...is difficult to solve.

lilmissdefiant -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:52:36 AM)
just a suggestion, could your need to bolt be confused with you coming down off an endorfine high/adrenalin rush?

fallenangel17 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 1:10:00 AM)
i am honestly not sure. How would one know?

lilmissdefiant -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 1:28:50 AM)
well how long does it take for you to want to be in his company again?

fallenangel17 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 1:39:34 AM)
About one or two weeks.

lilmissdefiant -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 3:40:07 AM)
well thats no coming down of an endorfine or adrenaline high. I think you seriously need to evaluate your relationship with your Master, do you want to be in a relationship with him, or do you just want something casual?

HisFirstAngel -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 7:06:41 AM)
FallenAngel, I find myself in a very similar situation. For me, it's when someone gets too close that I bolt. Once things are intense, and going well, I just take off. It's just too much for me to let someone close, I can't handle it. Obviously, it causes major issues. For me, it comes down to trust. I do not trust easily and the patience required for someone to earn my trust is often more than one is willing to put in. Yet, trust is the base of an M/s relationship. I'm glad you posted this. I'm actually glad to know it's not just me!

kiwisub12 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 7:44:17 AM)
seems to me that from what you have posted (OP) that you need to "man- up" and push past your comfort zone. Perhaps when you start feeling stressed you could relay this info to your master, and the two of you could extend how long you can stay in his presence, whilst feeling antsy. It would be kind of like aversion therapy, where you work on the result , not the root of the problem... see a spider, go closer to the spider, touch a toy spider, touch a dead spider, have a live spider on you without freaking out - that sort of thing. If this works, you need to know that you worked on a symptom, not the cause, and somewhere inside you, sooner or later, it will probably come up again, disguised as something else.

LadyRian -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 8:20:52 AM)
Hello, This strikes a familiar chord with me. My ex sub exhibited this behaviour. It is to me, the cruelest form of self sabotage, because it prevents relationships from deepening. From what I understand it's fear based, fear of being hurt/disappointed/ etc, so instead of risking this, when intimacy is immanent, the person pulls the plug on it. It's a preemptive strike. It's also a control issue. The person doing this is in control of the relationship, for the time being. But of course, the other involved soon tires of this push me pull you behaviour, and gets to the point where they dismiss the person who's behaving like this, because frankly, one feels as if they're being toyed with. And indeed, whether it's intentional or not, they are. No one with any self respect is going to endure this sort of behaviour from anyone. It leaves a trail of broken feelings, resentment, and anger, and the person who pulls away never gets to experience the joy and depth that true intimacy brings. This is to me the cruelest cut of all. You might want to consider seeking a qualified therapist to work with you on discovering the underlying issues. Wishing you all the best, LR

anniezz338 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 8:46:57 AM)
First, I feel there is a big difference between having "issues" and your personality type. They are two different things. Some people want their alone time, I am one of those, but it's not an "issue". If your personality type is causing "issues" in your relationship, I would suggest just slowing down. Some people are all or nothing people, some are not. Second, trust yourself. Take the words "I can't" right out of your vocabulary. I can't let you get close to me because I think I am broken and if I let you in, you will find out I am broken too and I can't take that. It's safer to just run huh. When your inner core confidence and trust in yourself is balanced, there's little you won't be able to handle. Don't be hard on yourself, your only human. Don't let unruly emotions run your life. Create self fulfilling prophecies through positive expectations.

leadership527 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 11:00:42 AM)
I agree with Rian. I also agree with anniezz that some people just need a looser orbit than others. That, in and of itself, is not a problem. That just means you need a partner of similar temperament. A wildly erratic orbit, on the other hand, is unlikely to work out well.

LadyRian -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/27/2010 12:26:13 PM)
Different people do have different needs, this is so true. Some people need more space than others. Finding someone of similar temperament will help in this case. But if something is becoming a pattern of behaviour, then it might warrant some further self analysis, because if this is the case, it won't matter who the "other" is, or what their needs might be, no matter how similar. Only the person to whom it's happening can determine if this is a one time situation or a pattern.

DesFIP -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/28/2010 3:45:55 AM)
So who did you let in who then turned around and abandoned you? A grandparent you adored who died suddenly? Your first boyfriend? Because this is learned behavior. No one who was raised in a warm, loving environment is this terrified of emotional intimacy. Figure out where it comes from, explain it to him, and have him reassure you that he isn't your ex, he isn't going to leave you. Right now you're looking to address the symptoms, not the root cause.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/28/2010 5:29:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyRian Hello, This strikes a familiar chord with me. My ex sub exhibited this behaviour. It is to me, the cruelest form of self sabotage, because it prevents relationships from deepening. From what I understand it's fear based, fear of being hurt/disappointed/ etc, so instead of risking this, when intimacy is immanent, the person pulls the plug on it. It's a preemptive strike. It's also a control issue. The person doing this is in control of the relationship, for the time being. No one with any self respect is going to endure this sort of behaviour from anyone. It leaves a trail of broken feelings, resentment, and anger, and the person who pulls away never gets to experience the joy and depth that true intimacy brings. This is to me the cruelest cut of all. This is utter bollocks. Not all people who experience intimacy outside the norms are afraid of intimacy. If you know you have a certain way of interacting in the world, and you explain it, it's understood, why would it be an issue leaving broken feelings, resentment, and anger, etc.? For some people intimacy takes much longer than others. Also, some people experience intimacy in different ways. The fact that you realize how you interact in the world, he realizes it, and you manage it - sounds like you do fine with it - then it's a perfectly fine way to be. You only can take so much intimacy, and then you need your space. If that is your consistent method of interacting in the world, why is it a problem? What's wrong with that method? Why do YOU have to change? Why isn't he here saying "how do I learn to accept that this is how she responds and how do I manage my hurt feelings about it?" Are you two a good fit? best, sunshine

RealSub58 -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/28/2010 5:45:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fallenangel17 i continually pull away and need space which hurts Him greatly. i am sincerely asking for insight and help. IMHO, the answer lies within yourself. We cannot help you with issues that lie deep within you.

LadyRian -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/28/2010 5:47:19 AM)
"You only can take so much intimacy, and then you need your space. If that is your consistent method of interacting in the world, why is it a problem? What's wrong with that method? " Nothing at all, if somebody's ok with seeing others as nothing more than a hit and run method of getting their needs met, and to hell with anyone elses' needs and feelings.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Intimacy Issues (9/28/2010 5:51:45 AM)
Why would his feelings be more important than hers? Nowhere at all did anyone say anything about hit and run and to hell with others... except you. Based on your story, it sounds like it was your experience. Luckily, not everyone who needs space is a jerk. Just saying.

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