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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/28/2010 6:20:07 AM

LadyRian

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Everybody needs space. And everybody has different needs. But if somebody is asking for help, because it's not just a matter of needing space once and a while, it's a consistent pattern, this suggests that there's a problem which needs addressing, for everyone's benefit. It's hurting them both.

Granted, my ex was a jerk, who was enamoured of the attitude "My hurtful behaviour hurts you, but it's your problem that you're hurt." I've never been a fan of normative relativism, even at it's best.

< Message edited by LadyRian -- 9/28/2010 6:21:10 AM >

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/28/2010 6:38:22 AM

sunshinemiss

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She asked for insight. My insight is that there is nothing wrong with her and that the problem isn't her. She doesn't seem to have an issue with this EXCEPT that his feelings get hurt when she behaves the way that is normal for her.

It sounds to me like he wants to change her personality. If that is the case, it's foolish.

As for the consistent pattern being a problem... We all have consistent patterns. It is what makes us the unique and glorious creatures that we are. This is her quirk. Why would she need to stop being herself?

Just so you know, I see your point. And if SHE seemed to have a problem with it, I'd probably be saying some of the same things you are. But her OP says she does this and the problem is that his feelings get hurt. Well, I'm sure people get hurt for all manner of things. That doesn't mean she should change what seems to be a PERSONALITY trait.

Meanwhile, back at the clinic. Where'd she go?

Now I must be off to bed, tomorrow being a work day and all.

Night.

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/28/2010 7:01:30 AM

LadyRian

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I can see your point also.
No one should pretzel themselves into someone they're not for someone else or any other reason. That is foolishness, if that's what he wants her to do.

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/28/2010 10:09:58 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Why would his feelings be more important than hers? Nowhere at all did anyone say anything about hit and run and to hell with others... except you. Based on your story, it sounds like it was your experience. Luckily, not everyone who needs space is a jerk.

Just saying.

lol.......I need loads of space......I'm probably seen as freaky to some but the people that count seem to understand it. I can't help it, I just can't stand being around people for very long. The only reason I can stand being around my owner for long periods of time is because he ISN'T bothered by it in the least.

It's bad enough not being able to do it, without having to be worrying about salvaging other people's feelings on it. The best thing is to just explain it's the way it is , even if you don't know why yet. (I still don't have a clue why and don't don't really care).

Often other people just want to understand, not change or critisise you.

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/28/2010 11:51:30 PM

fallenangel17

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Wow!...really great thoughts. I will be reading these again as the ideas sink in. I can see the insight in what many offered and wish to thank all that posted.

I don't believe in my case my going or needing space is an attempt to control...simply because I am not going because I don't like something and wish him to change his actions. I have seen that approach.

I have been with men who were fine with how I am and it made being with them much easier, more pleasant and desired.

I will think more on this...but right now...I am seeing what I believe the right way to go is...

Thanks again to all.

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 9/29/2010 1:49:19 AM

ranja

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my Husband used to work away for 6 weeks at the time and then He would spend 4 at home... i thought that was brilliant
when He changed jobs and was home all the time it took us ages to adjust... it was extremely difficult at times... luckily we have rather a large house... that helps

we also have each our own interests, friends and hobbies we are not in eachothers pockets all the time, that would be too claustrophobic and most likely break us up

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 10/4/2010 8:28:05 AM

spankingman10

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Thank you for sharing such a personal problem you are having. You first of all need to get yourself to-gether and when you do meet with someone you really TRUST and be open and honest with that person. I sense very deep , deep problems and in order to get these problems under control you need someone very special to handle your case. Yes, I know of two other cases like yours and both are good now but not perfect.

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RE: Intimacy Issues - 10/4/2010 1:47:09 PM

fallenangel17

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In reading all of these and giving it some time to settle in and see what is the truth ofmy situation...I feel what is best is the course I have taken. You see, I am married but not to my dominant. My dominant is a good man but it would seem ultimately not the right fit for me. My husband on the other hand has no issue at all with how I am. We've discussed it. If I need space for whatever reason I simply get it. I don't have to explain, ask or anything and as I was concerned of the effect this might be having on him I asked years ago. He simply said "no, it doesn't bother me. You don't do this often and you're never gone long."

So, how great is that? Twenty something years and finds how I am to his liking. :)

Again, my dominant is not wrong here...just our needs and the ebb and flow of the relationship are different. Glad I met him. :)

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