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Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 7:55:16 PM

olinkalex

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline

Well let me first start by saying Thank You to all those who gave me so much advise in my last message, its good to see that there are allot of nice people on this site. Anyway I dicided that I'm going to remove my account and start a new one, but before I do I wants some peoples opinion on my new Profile before I put it on my new account.

MY NEW PROFILE INTRO

My name is Alex and I'm a Dominant who's seeking a Sub/Slave for a long-term relationship. I'm hoping to become a Master one day, because to me, I believe a Master is someone who is trusted with there Lovers Freedom, Body, Heart, and Soul. I do have more reasons why I want to be a Master, but I'll leave that for later.

I'm a very creative and lovable person who enjoys putting a Smile on my girls face. If my girl isn't happy, I'm not happy. I love Bondage in almost all its forms and I'm a bit Sadistic, but I do have my limits. I don't do choking, needles, blood, cutting, or anything that can do serious damage to my girls body. If your a girl who wants me to leave you with long lasting bruises, then I'm not the guy for you. I do enjoy allot of other things that Master's do to there Slaves, but I'll talk about that later. I also don't believe in marriage, because I don't believe that love is restrictive. So if you dream of getting Married or you don't want me to have more then one Slave, then I'm not right for you.

One of my big hobbies is creating Story's for Books, Movies, Video Games, Shows, etc. I'm a huge Gamer, who enjoys playing allot on his PS3, but mostly when I have nothing to do. I do have a talent of making good drawings using Flash (look through my photos and you'll see some of my work). I enjoy watching Action, Animated, Comedy, and Horror Films. I also love watching cartoons.

My ideal person is someone who is Sweet, Kind, Honest, Caring, and Loveable female. Who is around 18 – 23 years old. Also I prefer someone who does have there limits, because I always feel that no-limit Slaves are more like a mindless zombie, then someone you can Love. If you are a Male Sub or a Female Dom, I'm NOT INTERESTED.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a Message and ask.

Post #: 1

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 8:15:13 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

Sounds great. Well thought out and expressed. Good luck.

pam

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 2

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 8:25:32 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

Here's my rewrite, I would suggest some further tweaking....

quote:

ORIGINAL: olinkalex

MY NEW PROFILE INTRO

I'm seeking a Sub/Slave for a long-term relationship.

I'm a very creative and lovable person who enjoys putting a smile on my girl's face. If my girl isn't happy, I'm not happy. I love bondage in almost all it's forms. I'm a bit sadistic, but I do have my limits; choking, needles, blood, cutting, or anything that can do serious damage. If you want me to leave you with long lasting bruises, then I'm not the guy for you.

I enjoy creating stories for books, movies, video games and shows. (could you just say you enjoy writing?) I'm a huge gamer and enjoy playing on my PS3. I posess some talent with drawing using Flash (look through my photos and you'll see some of my work). I enjoy watching action, animated, comedy, and horror films along with cartoons.

My ideal person is someone who is sweet, kind, honest and caring. A lovable female who's around 18 – 23 years of age would be ideal.
I prefer a submissive woman who has limits and can express them.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a Message and ask.

Some things to remember....

Why do you want a submissive or slave?

What are your expectations in regards to a "long term relationship"? You mentioned no marriage...is poly an option and if so, would that be new for you?

What's your level of experience? You mention being a sadist who loves bondage....what experience have you had with these activities that you could describe?

What can you offer a woman? FYI...some women don't like being referred to as "girl" so you may want to reconsider your use of that word to describe a partner.

It's important to be honest, but not negatively so. I removed all the talk of wanting to be a master mainly because it was extraneous bs. If you want to be a "master", learn to master yourself and the skills you wish to use. Use the search feature to look for topics on what a master is. Mentioning you "have nothing to do" does nothing to make you appear desirable. What are you doing about this situation? Would you continue to do nothing while in a ltr?

Remember....spell check, spell check, spell check.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 9/27/2010 8:39:27 PM >

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 3

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 8:55:55 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Nice

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 4

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 8:57:07 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Well, you're on the right track. You emote a tangible personality. Run that thing through MS Word if you have it. Your profile is your first impression and you have some grammar, spelling (there vs their) and a capitalization error (Lovers vs lover's).

Good luck, procs to you for taking a licking and keep on ticking.

BonesFromAsh did some nice editing.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 5

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 10:55:52 PM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

You use complete sentences you're one up on most other people in this way 0_o

But on a serious note, yes well thought out.

_____________________________

Passion isn't really happiness.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 6

RE: Need some opinions - 9/27/2010 11:12:05 PM

MistressRosalyn

Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline

Yes, there are some tweaks I would make, but I am glad to see that you listened to what was said and took the time to learn from it.

Keep reading and learning, so that when she does come along, you are ready for her!

_____________________________

Member of Lance's Fag Hags.

I have 20 Fluffy Points and you don't!

I went to the Dark Side...now where are the cookies?

When did my life become a Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle episode?

(in reply to SubPet715)

Post #: 7

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 4:52:57 AM

olinkalex

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline

Man... I am terrable at spelling and grammer, but can anyone help me fix my profile?

(in reply to MistressRosalyn)

Post #: 8

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 5:11:00 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

You were offered a rewrite already, http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3420464.

Any further tweaking should come from you.

Use these threads to your advantage....

For men: how to find a woman here

Profile Do's and Don'ts

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 9/28/2010 5:13:46 AM >

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 9

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 5:14:50 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Copy and paste it into Word.
Run a spell / grammar check.
Obey the Oracle that is Word.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 10

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 12:20:56 PM

olinkalex

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline

I use OpenOffice I tried to use its Spelling and Grammer fixer, but no luck.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 11

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 12:29:56 PM

MistressRosalyn

Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline

I'd definitely start with Bones from ashes' rewrite. She did an excellent job and her reasoning is sound.

Another thing, and I suggest this to ANYONE who has problems with there, their, they're and to, too, two and other problematical homophones...learn the difference! It isn't that difficult, and if it is, then make a cheat sheet and post it at your computer!

Spell check is fine, but it can't catch mistakes like those.

_____________________________

Member of Lance's Fag Hags.

I have 20 Fluffy Points and you don't!

I went to the Dark Side...now where are the cookies?

When did my life become a Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle episode?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 12

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 12:45:12 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

If you're not sure of your spelling, and don't have microsoft word, or you're not sure if what you've written is right or not, then type it into a search engine and it'll give you the definitions for the different spellings.

I'll give you a starter:
there = a place, somewhere you are
their = it belongs to them, their ball, their attitude, their own person
they're = contraction of they are (it's a verb, if you're not sure try it out in your mind and you'll see the way it should be spelled

your = something that belongs to you
you're = another contraction, this time, you are

Just a few examples, but hopefully they should help. Find an online dictionary and use that too (not to, that's like going to the munch)

Good luck in your search, know that it takes many years of experience to become a Master, it's not just a word to be used because you think it should be so.

Edited cuz I didn't pay attention to where my fingers were on the damn keyboard.

< Message edited by tiggerspoohbear -- 9/28/2010 12:46:44 PM >

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to MistressRosalyn)

Post #: 13

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 4:21:05 PM

olinkalex

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline

Well I just spelled check my profile, but I know that there still some mistakes. Please point them out and if you think there is anything else to add to my profile, let me know.

---Spelled Checked---

My name is Alex and I'm a Dominant who's seeking a Sub/Slave for a long-term relationship. I'm hoping to become a Master one day, because to me, I believe a Master is someone who is trusted with their lover's Freedom, Body, Heart, and Soul. I do have more reasons why I want to be a Master, but I'll leave that for later.

I'm a very creative and lovable person who enjoys putting a smile on my partner's face. If she's not happy, I'm not happy. I love Bondage in almost all its forms and I'm a bit Sadistic, but I do have my limits. I don't do choking, needles, blood, cutting, or anything that can do serious damage to my partner's body. If your a girl who wants me to leave you with long lasting bruises, then I'm not the guy for you. I do enjoy allot of other things that Master's do to there Slaves, but I'll talk about that later. I also don't believe in marriage, because I don't believe that love is restrictive. So if you dream of getting Married or you don't want me to have more then one Slave, then I'm not right for you.

One of my big hobbies is creating Story's for Books, Movies, Video Games, Shows, etc. I'm a huge Gamer, who enjoys playing allot on his PS3, but mostly when I have nothing to do. I do have a talent of making good drawings using Flash (look through my photos and you'll see some of my work). I enjoy watching Action, Animated, Comedy, and Horror Films. I also love watching cartoons on the TV.

My ideal person is someone who is Sweet, Kind, Honest, Caring, and Loveable female. Who is around 18 – 23 years old. Also I prefer someone who does have their limits, because I always feel that no-limit Slaves are more like a mindless zombie, then someone you can Love. If you're a Male Sub or a Female Dom, I'm NOT INTERESTED.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a Message and ask.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 14

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 4:23:10 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn

I'd definitely start with Bones from ashes' rewrite. She did an excellent job and her reasoning is sound.

Thank you....did you catch the spelling error?

(in reply to MistressRosalyn)

Post #: 15

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 4:41:09 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello there,

Fair play to you for looking for advice and tips - I've scooted through the text you last posted and here's a version with the grammar/spelling fixed (well - all the things I spotted anyway).

Generally, I think it reads well - Personally though I liked the version BonesFromAsh wrote - but it's your call!

--------Edited version------------
My name is Alex and I'm a Dominant who's seeking a Sub/Slave for a long-term relationship. I'm hoping to become a Master one day, because to me, I believe a Master is someone who is trusted with their lover's Freedom, Body, Heart, and Soul. I do have more reasons why I want to be a Master, but I'll leave that for later.

I'm a very creative and lovable person who enjoys putting a smile on my partner's face. If she's not happy, I'm not happy. I love Bondage in almost all its forms and I'm a bit Sadistic, but I do have my limits. I don't do choking, needles, blood, cutting, or anything that can do serious damage to my partner's body. If you’re a girl who wants me to leave you with long lasting bruises, then I'm not the guy for you. I do enjoy a lot of other things that Masters do to their Slaves, but I'll talk about that later. I also don't believe in marriage, because I don't believe that love is restrictive. So if you dream of getting Married or you don't want me to have more than one Slave, then I'm not right for you.

One of my big hobbies is creating Stories for Books, Movies, Video Games, Shows, etc. I'm a huge Gamer, who enjoys playing a lot on his PS3, but mostly when I have nothing to do. I do have a talent of making good drawings using Flash (look through my photos and you'll see some of my work). I enjoy watching Action, Animated, Comedy, and Horror Films. I also love watching cartoons on the TV.

My ideal person is someone who is Sweet, Kind, Honest, Caring, and Loveable female. Who is around 18 – 23 years old. Also I prefer someone who does have their limits, because I always feel that no-limit Slaves are more like a mindless zombie, then someone you can Love. If you're a Male Sub or a Female Dom, I'm NOT INTERESTED.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a Message and ask.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 16

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 4:42:32 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Was it the "it's"?

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 17

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 5:01:34 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

Its vs It's

Darn...good catch! I always mess that up.

Actually, the spelling error was "possess".

There are days I long for English class with Mr. Davis and his disarming habit of pulling up a chair next to my desk and offering to help me...all the while smiling a Cheshire Cat smile.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 9/28/2010 5:03:51 PM >

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 18

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 5:34:52 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: olinkalex

Well I just spell checked my profile, but I know that there are still some mistakes. Please point them out and if you think there is anything else to add to my profile, let me know.

---Spell Checked---

My name is Alex and I'm a Dominant who's seeking a sub/slave for a long-term relationship. I'm hoping to become a Master one day, because to me, I believe a Master is someone who is trusted with their lover's freedom, body, heart, and soul. I do have more reasons why I want to be a Master, but I'll leave that for later.

My ideal person is someone who is a sweet, kind, honest, caring, and loving female. One who is around 18 – 23 years old. I also prefer someone who knows her limits, because I've always felt that no-limit slaves are more like mindless zombies, than someone you can love. If you're a male sub or a female Dom, I'm NOT INTERESTED.

One of my big hobbies is creating stories for books, movies, video games, shows, etc. I'm a huge gamer, who enjoys playing a lot on his PS3, but mostly when I have nothing to do. I do have a talent of making good drawings using Flash (look through my photos and you'll see some of my work). I enjoy watching action, animated, comedy, and horror films. I also love watching cartoons on TV.

I'm a very creative and lovable person who enjoys putting a smile on my partner's face. If she's not happy, I'm not happy. I love bondage in almost all its forms and I'm a bit sadistic, but I do have my limits. I don't do choking, needles, blood, cutting, or anything that can do serious damage to my partner's body. If you're a girl who wants me to leave you with long lasting bruises, then I'm not the guy for you. I do enjoy a lot of other things that Masters do to their slaves, but I'll talk about that later. I also don't believe in marriage, because I don't believe that love is restrictive. So if you dream of getting married or you don't want me to have more than one slave, then I'm not right for you.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me a message and ask.

Ok, I corrected your mistakes, quit using caps if it's not a proper noun, that's a basic. For the profile itself, you're on your own. In my opinion the paragraphs should be changed around and be in a more orderly fashion. I'm going to fix that too because it's just bugging the hell out of me.

As for you thinking that only a Master can have his sub/slave's heart, body, mind and soul, you're wrong on that. A sub feels the same emotions for her Dom, after all we're human beings and we all have them. Get used to that concept, or if you're not aware of it, then I'm telling you now.

And I also preferred Bonesfromashes re-write, but if this is what you want, it's entirely your decision.

And you're welcome, cuz it took me almost 2 hours to go through it all. This was a one off on my part, not to be repeated again.

< Message edited by tiggerspoohbear -- 9/28/2010 5:37:11 PM >

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to olinkalex)

Post #: 19

RE: Need some opinions - 9/28/2010 6:04:17 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

I missed "possess" though!

Sigh... now you've got me thinking abou Ms Briony Greenwood, my A-Level English Teacher. God how the teenage me ached for that woman. Made reading George Eliot bearable.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 20

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