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What would you tell the other side? - 10/1/2010 9:10:50 PM

CaringandReal

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I'm not trying to cause sturm und drang with this posting, I swear I'm not! But I am very interested in the responses. Let's try to keep it civil--I know (and appreciate) that the majorty of us do.

Dominants: if you've ever thought about this, what is it that you feel you do right in terms of bdsm if you have a partner or in terms of finding a partner if you don't, that you think it would benefit the other dominant gender to know or learn how to "master?" Perhaps there is nothing. If so, I'd like to know if that is the case, and why.

I suppose I could mention one difference I've noticed. When I am not taking a break (as I am now--my first in a long time) I get mail from dominants of both genders, athough much less from women then men, which I suppose is to be expected given the demographics of this site. What I have noticed about the few female responses I get, whether or not we are ultimately compatible, is that the writer seems to instinctively understand how to engage my emotional interest--often intently. Sincere female dominants understand how to "hook" a submissive, and fully grasp the importance of getting them interested in her, responsive, and open. Women, especially dominant women, are dangerous in this regard: most of them seem to fully understand the importance of the art of seduction in the pursuit of control and apply it skillfully, to the point (which usually comes quite quickly) where the tables turn. Very few male dominants who write me have even the comprehension that this is needed, let alone the skill to execute it.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/2/2010 8:08:47 AM

LadyPact

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Yeah. I get a feeling I'm going to get nailed for this one.

I'm going to say communication skills and the willingness to involve in social situations. Now, I realize that this is almost set up to sound like a sweeping generalization, but hear Me out.

I find more often that female Dominants, whether they are looking or not, are willing to be on a friendship basis with people that they meet. Even someone like Me who is admittedly very play focused, is going to try to lay the groundwork for more than just the current play session. Part of the skill of the Dominant female is to captivate her sub/play partner. To tantalize them and create that spark. That mixture of tapping into what thrills them and planting the craving for more. It's not necessarily about the sexual conquest for us, though we'll get to that in our own time. We'll go for the mental aspect first.

One of the very few areas that I'll admit to there being a real difference between male and female Dominants is in the social scene. I'll be the first to stand up and say, men, you're going to have to work at this harder than I do. I can go in darn near anywhere and play. This allows Me to build My reputation faster if other people see My topping skills right off the bat. It means the next time I go to that play space, I've got play partners waiting for Me because they've already seen Me top and they want to be next. That might take you more than a few visits to accomplish if you don't bring a play partner with you.

Just as important, when I'm not playing, I'm being social. This helps to let people get to know Me and for Me to know them. The stand by yourself, watching people play while you just hold a flogger in your hand doesn't work. Talk to people, not just potential play partners.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/2/2010 9:02:31 AM

Twoshoes

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Edit: Actually, never mind. I was going to start a conversation with CaringandReal, but I've decided I don't want to waste her time for no reason.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/2/2010 9:35:18 AM >

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/2/2010 1:35:56 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I wouldn't want to tell the other side anything. My experience or lack thereof is going to be different than what they will be dealing with. My experience helps only me for the most part. I don't do public play or casual play and am looking for a relationship if anything at all. So unless it is relationship oriented, my experience or knowledge base isn't of much worth to anyone else.

My main thing is being true to who you are. If you are not sensitive or don't communicate well, there isn't much I can say to teach you to be sensitive or communicate well, because I think those are things you have to learn and see yourself and then refine as needed. If we don't learn that to get into any play or relationship, requires certain things... sometimes by the ages we see around here, I see little help coming from outside the person. Some are teachable, some are not. I am not a teacher. I can help in some areas of life and emotion but I cannot teach the unwilling. I consider the unwilling, as people who have all things available to them to learn to hook someone, that refuse to do the work involved and that is a flaw in my view of things. If you can't improve yourself, make yourself attractive or someone that others might view as worthy... and aren't out there trying... there is little help for you.

As for tapping into the hook! lol! We all have our hooks! But you first have to have someone take a bite and I rarely see one that I want to flash the hook for. If I do they are swimming in other waters or waters so far from me my hook can mean nothing but a little fun in friendship. Since I don't fish waters that are already being fished and don't like to travel to other waters far from me... I am stuck in the muddy waters of where I am! lol

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/3/2010 9:18:23 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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LadyPact and Lockit. Love you both. Your replies were both great.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/3/2010 1:39:07 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

I'm not trying to cause sturm und drang with this posting, I swear I'm not! But I am very interested in the responses. Let's try to keep it civil--I know (and appreciate) that the majorty of us do.

Dominants: if you've ever thought about this, what is it that you feel you do right in terms of bdsm if you have a partner or in terms of finding a partner if you don't, that you think it would benefit the other dominant gender to know or learn how to "master?" Perhaps there is nothing. If so, I'd like to know if that is the case, and why.

I suppose I could mention one difference I've noticed. When I am not taking a break (as I am now--my first in a long time) I get mail from dominants of both genders, athough much less from women then men, which I suppose is to be expected given the demographics of this site. What I have noticed about the few female responses I get, whether or not we are ultimately compatible, is that the writer seems to instinctively understand how to engage my emotional interest--often intently. Sincere female dominants understand how to "hook" a submissive, and fully grasp the importance of getting them interested in her, responsive, and open. Women, especially dominant women, are dangerous in this regard: most of them seem to fully understand the importance of the art of seduction in the pursuit of control and apply it skillfully, to the point (which usually comes quite quickly) where the tables turn. Very few male dominants who write me have even the comprehension that this is needed, let alone the skill to execute it.

Seems to me the common denominator here isn't dominance, it's gender.... IE, that females are generally more gifted in the art of seduction.

We neanderthal's are big enough and brusque enough to take whatever females we want. So females need other means to attract the top dog knuckle-draggers. Subtle means; feminine wiles = the art of seduction.

Old news....

Focus.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/3/2010 1:58:33 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
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quote:

Dominants: if you've ever thought about this, what is it that you feel you do right in terms of bdsm if you have a partner or in terms of finding a partner if you don't, that you think it would benefit the other dominant gender to know or learn how to "master?" Perhaps there is nothing. If so, I'd like to know if that is the case, and why.

Be yourself. Without a mask and don't be afraid to engage them on personal levels. Don't be afraid to be open.

Some people take a lot of pride in the physical side of BDSM when in my opinion, it's the shallower side of it. The emotional connection is the main reason that drives me. I want to know the person inside and I want them to know that.

I'm actually turned off to the thought of having sex or BDSM activities till I've made that internal connection.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/3/2010 3:48:58 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Dominants: if you've ever thought about this, what is it that you feel you do right in terms of bdsm if you have a partner or in terms of finding a partner if you don't, that you think it would benefit the other dominant gender to know or learn how to "master?" Perhaps there is nothing. If so, I'd like to know if that is the case, and why.

Even ignoring political correctness, I have no answer to this question. I do things which work out well for me and Carol. Without a specific situation to place those same actions or thoughts into, I'd have no idea whether they would work out well or not. My first questions when I'm talking to some other dominant are to find out what their goals are and what they even mean by the word. Given the VASTLY different usages of the word, I can't think of a single "globally helpful" thing.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/4/2010 7:24:28 PM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Edit: Actually, never mind. I was going to start a conversation with CaringandReal, but I've decided I don't want to waste her time for no reason.

That was a weird thing to say! (looks at you askance) What am I so busy at? Maybe I actually need to be doing it! :p

Thanks everyone who posted an answer. I haven't been in the physical bdsm social scene for a long time, so your description of it was interesting, Lady Pact. I remember those lurker with a flogger types from back in the day, though. Just shy, I guess. (shrug)

Sometimes I think I'd be far better off with a female dominant because of the difference I mentioned in my answer. I don't deal well with with the "neanderthal" approach, it frustrates me and often hurts my feelings, but it's all over the replies I get. When someone leads with an insult, as so many of the male doms on here do (this is a change, they didn't always do that), it's very hard for me to think of this person as someone who could ever control me. All he knows how to do is to insure that I'll never write him back--and because I doubt that was his original intention, that stikes me as singularly lacking in control!

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/9/2010 2:47:39 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
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My experience with being written by female dominants is opposite of Caring's. I seem to only get the "You will worship me and do my every bidding". With no notice of anything I've ever written on the boards or in my profile. I get more "read what you wrote and want to comment on X" by the males.

If there weren't all the great dommes here on the boards, I would have decided that women were totally incompetent at it, just judging by my email.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/9/2010 4:47:54 PM

Iholdthestrings

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A vast number of CM members from the "other side" have no idea these fora even exist. Sad, really; it's a great collection of boards.

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/9/2010 5:28:35 PM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iholdthestrings

A vast number of CM members from the "other side" have no idea these fora even exist. Sad, really; it's a great collection of boards.

That is odd to me, it's kind of hard to miss. You're browsing profiles, like you always do, ho-hum. And there on the lower left scrolling by are these (very provocative at times) thread titles, and first sentences, these strange headlines. It's hard not to click one out of curiousity, I would think...but maybe other people just ignore those types of distractions.

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"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/9/2010 5:39:46 PM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My experience with being written by female dominants is opposite of Caring's. I seem to only get the "You will worship me and do my every bidding". With no notice of anything I've ever written on the boards or in my profile. I get more "read what you wrote and want to comment on X" by the males.

If there weren't all the great dommes here on the boards, I would have decided that women were totally incompetent at it, just judging by my email.

I get a couple of those a month, too.

Perhaps you don't get the serious ones because your profile doesn't state explicitly that you are looking for a female dominant. Yours also says that you are taken. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it may cause someone seriously looking for a a submissive (and sensible) not to write you. If I were a female dominant looking for a sub I would not want, after reading that, to bother you. I'd look for someone who wanted what I had to offer. Mine states, in the check box and in the wording, that I'm looking for either a male or female dominant, and that I'm looking for a certain type of personality not a specific kind of plumbing. I suspect that's why I get some serious responses from women.

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"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

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RE: What would you tell the other side? - 10/10/2010 8:18:20 AM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

And there on the lower left scrolling by are these (very provocative at times) thread titles, and first sentences, these strange headlines. It's hard not to click one out of curiousity, I would think...but maybe other people just ignore those types of distractions.

On my last computer I had the scroller ad-blocked within about two minutes of joining the site, because the motion drove me *nuts*...

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