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Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/1/2010 9:34:51 PM

ashlayne

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/1/2010
Status: offline

As mentioned in my profile, I'm a sub (female) to my girlfriend's Domme, and we're in a closed, long-distance relationship at the moment. Come May, when I graduate from college, I plan to move to be with her. Problem is, she lives in another country, and for me to stay I have two options. The easier of the two is to be able to declare a marriage or civil partnership with a citizen of that country. So here's where my question comes in.

Is it appropriate for a sub to ask her Dom(me) to marry her, as it were? There are various reasons I feel like I would need to be the one to initiate it, not the least of which is something that I don't wish to speak of without her permission, but let's just say she has some self-esteem issues that might be helped by me taking the initiative in this. I'm just not sure if, as a sub, I can or should. (I'll be honest, my relationship with her is the first time I've been in any sort of D/s relationship of my own free will.)

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? Feel free to share!

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 1:01:54 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ashlayne

As mentioned in my profile, I'm a sub (female) to my girlfriend's Domme, and we're in a closed, long-distance relationship at the moment. Come May, when I graduate from college, I plan to move to be with her. Problem is, she lives in another country, and for me to stay I have two options. The easier of the two is to be able to declare a marriage or civil partnership with a citizen of that country. So here's where my question comes in.

Is it appropriate for a sub to ask her Dom(me) to marry her, as it were? There are various reasons I feel like I would need to be the one to initiate it, not the least of which is something that I don't wish to speak of without her permission, but let's just say she has some self-esteem issues that might be helped by me taking the initiative in this. I'm just not sure if, as a sub, I can or should. (I'll be honest, my relationship with her is the first time I've been in any sort of D/s relationship of my own free will.)

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? Feel free to share!

While your intentions are noble, what you are planning has disaster written all over it. It is extremely unwise to enter into a relationship with the intention of effecting a modification of this sort. I could sit here and tell you you are wonderful for the next 50 years, but unless you truly believe it within yourself, I have wasted my breath. your partner should seek professional help to deal with whatever her issues are.

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 5:02:02 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ashlayne

As mentioned in my profile, I'm a sub (female) to my girlfriend's Domme, and we're in a closed, long-distance relationship at the moment. Come May, when I graduate from college, I plan to move to be with her. Problem is, she lives in another country, and for me to stay I have two options. The easier of the two is to be able to declare a marriage or civil partnership with a citizen of that country. So here's where my question comes in.

Is it appropriate for a sub to ask her Dom(me) to marry her, as it were? There are various reasons I feel like I would need to be the one to initiate it, not the least of which is something that I don't wish to speak of without her permission, but let's just say she has some self-esteem issues that might be helped by me taking the initiative in this. I'm just not sure if, as a sub, I can or should. (I'll be honest, my relationship with her is the first time I've been in any sort of D/s relationship of my own free will.)

Thoughts? Opinions? Rants? Feel free to share!

OP, the bolded portions of your post are what stand out for me...not the question of proper or improper etiquette.

I would suggest before uprooting yourself to a foreign country to be with a long distance partner, the two of you take the time to address these issues...together.

Also, could you explain what you meant by " the first time I've been in any sort of D/s relationship of my own free will"...thanks.

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 5:09:39 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Hello!

Very quick response is - if you were my sub the of course it would ok to discuss the options and issues surrounding coming to live with me. But it's going to depend on your relationship!

As for whether moving to another country is a wise thing to do - you and your partner are the only people who can make that call... But I do hope that you've already spent a dair bit of time in the company of your partner, and that you've seriously considered the issues and challenges of moving to a new country.

Good luck!

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 5:17:03 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Hello!

Very quick response is - if you were my sub the of course it would ok to discuss the options and issues surrounding coming to live with me. But it's going to depend on your relationship!

As for whether moving to another country is a wise thing to do - you and your partner are the only people who can make that call... But I do hope that you've already spent a dair bit of time in the company of your partner, and that you've seriously considered the issues and challenges of moving to a new country.

Good luck!

Including whether or not there is a language requirement (the Netherlands for instance, has that), or what happens if things don't work out (just sayin'). The costs of moving YOUR stuff there (and if becomes necessary, back). Are you going to be employable there? Do you have a support network there, besides her?

Not saying these things are insurmountable, but should be carefully considered.

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 7:29:41 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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Just adding some to what people have already mentioned, getting married or some sort of civil partnership wont automatically entitle you to stay in the country. There are a lot of people who have got married who still had to live apart until their immigration issues were resolved.

Personally, I wouldn't consider marriage or some sort of legal union to someone if the main reason was to stay in a country before I had even worked out how compatible long term we are going to be when face to face.

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 9:36:05 AM

ashlayne

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Joined: 10/1/2010
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@Acer49 - What sort of modification are you talking about? She's the assertive one in the relationship, and our D/s relationship is completely consensual. I didn't ask her to be my Domme; our original friendship sort of developed into a D/s relationship without me even realising it at first, then became a consensual, actual relationship when she and I started dating. And as soon as she can afford to start, she will be getting professional help for her problem. (And as I can, my goal is to help her with that, so that she can be happy.)

@BonesFromAsh - In my last relationship, I was blind. I've always been the submissive sort -- first to give in in an argument, that kind of thing -- but my ex took it a little too far, like into the realm of verbally and emotionally abusive, which is not something I'm into. My girlfriend helped me see what was going on when he and I were together, and while she was the first to point it out, she wasn't the only one. Once she started the process and I started asking other close friends their thoughts, I got more than one "I've been telling you that for a long time" and more than one "Yeah, I agree with her". I finally got up the courage to break it off with him, even though it took me a couple of months, and I haven't regretted it since.

@GreedyTop - Language barrier isn't a problem; I would be moving from the US to Britain. If things don't work out when I get there, then I'm no worse off than I am here with the exception of not having citizenship. I will be employable there, very much so; in fact, if my girlfriend is to be believed, I will be more employable than her after I graduate, even though she has experience in the field. (By that time, I should have my CCNA and my A+, two important entry-level certifications in my field of Network Administration.) And to be honest, if I wasn't moving out of the country when I graduate to be with her, then I would be moving across this country, because (a) I live in a very bad area for jobs and (b) I want a fresh start somewhere new once I graduate.

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RE: Unsure of the proper etiquette if any - 10/2/2010 11:00:49 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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You seem to have a pattern of allowing other people to dictate your life for you. If you want to move, you should research the area and determine your employability, do no leave this up to chance (taking someone's word for it). You left your boyfriend b/c someone told you to. You are with a d-type with low self-esteem. I see a ton of red flags here.

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