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How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 11:55:28 AM

pansexual42

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/2/2010
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My gf and I have kind of gotten into a sub-dom sex life and so I want to try to get into the head of a natural sub... whats the appeal? Would you have any advice on what I should do for her?

Also, I don't want to be a control freak like some of these guys looking for a full time slave thingy...
It sounds really weird to me.

Post #: 1

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 12:07:36 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

Channel her affection for you into wanting to do really filthy things to make you happy. Then make her feel good about it.

The appeal is feeling vulnerable (as far as I'm aware).

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/2/2010 12:41:19 PM >

(in reply to pansexual42)

Post #: 2

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 12:41:01 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Word to the wise op, what is weird to you is normal to others. Putting others down for being different is frowned upon. Didn't you learn that in kindergarten?

The appeal can be different to any one of us. If the sub is the sort of person who worries about their partner being pleased, then it is very freeing to know that anything he tells me to do is something he will like. There's no chance I can do it wrong if I'm doing exactly what I'm being told.

And since I don't have to worry about what I'm doing, I can relax and enjoy it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 3

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 2:20:26 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pansexual42

My gf and I have kind of gotten into a sub-dom sex life and so I want to try to get into the head of a natural sub... whats the appeal? Would you have any advice on what I should do for her?

Also, I don't want to be a control freak like some of these guys looking for a full time slave thingy...
It sounds really weird to me.

D/s *is* about an unequal control dynamic. If you have no need or desire to be a "control freak" (dom), then your lesson ends now.

Think in terms of a hetero "learning" to be gay. You're not motivated to; it can't be done and it'll all sound weird, anyway....

Learn to accept being *you*! And leave the "natural subs" to the natural dom/mes - and the gays to other gays. You see a pattern emerging here that likey shouldn't sound weird at all...?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to pansexual42)

Post #: 4

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 6:41:08 PM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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Realize, and this is really the one key thing, that she wants you to take the reins.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 5

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/2/2010 7:31:29 PM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
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Try starting out by being a good man.

Being dominant (or submissive) is not being 'a' thing... or like some sort of role you would play. It is something that is organic to your nature (or not). If you have to put something on or play act at something to achieve this... realize that thats all it will ever be, an act and you can only be as 'good' at that as you are an actor.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 6

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/3/2010 1:17:58 PM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pansexual42

My gf and I have kind of gotten into a sub-dom sex life and so I want to try to get into the head of a natural sub... whats the appeal? Would you have any advice on what I should do for her?

Also, I don't want to be a control freak like some of these guys looking for a full time slave thingy...
It sounds really weird to me.

Dom/sub sex and daily life is just great, it works a treat for us; puts Him in charge and i happily follow (most of the time) the appeal is a smooth running marriage and very good sex.
My advice on what you should do for her is to make sure she gets her needs met, orgasms are just lovely.
Oh and make her laugh

My Husband would not want to be a full time slave driver either.... too much hard work really... i sort of like the idea, but i know in reality i would be pig sick of it in no time.

(in reply to pansexual42)

Post #: 7

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 9:45:22 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pansexual42

My gf and I have kind of gotten into a sub-dom sex life and so I want to try to get into the head of a natural sub... whats the appeal? Would you have any advice on what I should do for her?

Also, I don't want to be a control freak like some of these guys looking for a full time slave thingy...
It sounds really weird to me.

If you really want to know what is in her head, you'll have to implement one of the methods that are good at transferring that kind of information. Probably the most popular is some form of journal or diary where she can voice what she is thinking and feeling. Then you can read it. The bottom line is that every submissive and slave in the world can tell you what the appeal is for them, and none of it will help you understand what the appeal is for your girlfriend. You're going to have to get her to tell you what the appeal is for her.

(in reply to pansexual42)

Post #: 8

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 11:04:47 AM

Selectivelight

Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline

While I object to being called a freak of any kind, I'll still be charitable and give you my two cents.

Being a good dom isn't much different than being a good husband. So far as I've discovered at any rate.

You need to be willing to take some measure of control, like you would leading a dance. Offering direction and clear explanation of the things you desire. If your partner is submissive, then they likely -want- to devote their efforts towards making you happy. If they are submissive, and they don't, you probably did something wrong and will be sleeping on the couch.

All kidding aside, it's equally important to listen to their desires and needs. Most submissive women still have minds of their own, and want more out of their relationship than worshiping the ground you walk on. Find ways to better understand your partner's desires. EclipseAbove basically hit the nail on the head with one popular method. It's easier for most people to write out their feelings than to talk about them. But do put aside time to just listen.

Also, since your relationship sounds to be just -turning- in this direction, and not based around it, do yourself, and your partner a favor. Sit down and have a talk about it, find out how important it is to her, and decide how much you want to pursue it.

It sounds to me like you're a bit unsure of the idea. It's not hopeless, by any measure. It just doesn't look to be quite a natural fit. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, provided you're up for expanding some horizons and finding out how it suits you. Don't feel down if it turns out you just don't like that kind of relationship. I don't like roller coasters. Getting me on a hundred of them isn't likely to change that.

I wish you the best of luck!

< Message edited by Selectivelight -- 10/4/2010 11:42:14 AM >

(in reply to EclipseAbove)

Post #: 9

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 3:22:50 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Since he says this is bedroom only, I'm wondering if he's actually more interested in topping skills but doesn't know how exactly to phrase his question.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Selectivelight)

Post #: 10

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 4:08:32 PM

LuneRune

Posts: 33
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to assume that what you meant regarding being a control freak, is that you don't see yourself in a Master role and you don't want to micromanage her life. You don't have to do that to be a good Dom. It sounds like you already have some kind of dynamic going so relax and listen to your instincts and maybe hook up with others in your area that you can learn from. And go slow. There's nothing wrong with taking your time. Other people have mentioned how important it is to have a good grasp of where she is and what her needs are - and what is 'right' is what works for you. that said, don't bash others because they do not happen to match your own ideals.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 6:50:29 PM

FredW

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2010
Status: offline

There is nothing that makes a good Dom. The same way that there is nothing that makes a good sub. What one person wants is different from what another person wants. You just need to find what is comfortable for you and your partner.

(in reply to LuneRune)

Post #: 12

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 9:16:33 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Once I figure it out i'll get back to you

BadOne

_____________________________

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According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to FredW)

Post #: 13

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/4/2010 9:41:04 PM

BrownWolf13

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pansexual42
My gf and I have kind of gotten into a sub-dom sex life and so I want to try to get into the head of a natural sub... whats the appeal? Would you have any advice on what I should do for her?

The Ask a Submissive forum is probably a better place to find out what it's like in the head of a sub. You could also ask your submissive; she might be the best person to explain what it's like in the head of your particular sub ;-)

In general, being a "good" Dom goes like this: try stuff. Pay attention during. Talk about it afterward. If things get weird, be patient and understanding. If things go well, be willing to explore further in that direction. Understand that she might be "into" some things just because you like them (because part of her kink is doing stuff for you). Enjoy that and be happy.

Good luck,
~ BrownWolf

(in reply to pansexual42)

Post #: 14

RE: How to be a good dom? - 10/10/2010 6:21:50 PM

Heartlynew

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/10/2010
Status: offline

Observe every action you do and make sure you're constantly reviewing yourself that you're ultimately in it for:
1) Her pleasure
2) Being Fair
3) Being Firm*

*=Use words, not hands. In my experience women like a man who won't cave upon every cute puppy face. If you caved in on every cute puppy face, then you'd most likely be undermining you're own "dominant presence" and she'll begin to take you for a joke. No take backs!

(in reply to BrownWolf13)

Post #: 15

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