MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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pinniped ... if you were here in the GOOD country ... I'd be interested!! So you are NOT unattractive to everyone!
I totally agree with Lockit, at the moment you are so full of negative self-talk that you are highly likely to be sending out negative vibes, probably entirely unconsciously. People mostly read body language, and I suspect yours is shouting "i'm worthless, don't bother with me!" So, not too surprisingly, they don't.
There's no need to be unrealistic and try to convince yourself you are the catch of the century either. But you do need to look at those positives, focus on them, and realise there should be a Woman out there who has those qualities on Her "highly desired in a sub" list. Let's list them (with My commentary as to why these are attractive):
1. Assuming the photo is you, you have an attractive face with a nice open expression. You seem to be of a good weight (I can't be against large people since I am one!), but also, you're not a stick insect (I don't find really skinny, or hard and lean attractive).
2. I see sincerity in your eyes, and your mouth looks like you laugh easily.
3. You have hair!! (I admit to being biased against bald, I like something to grab).
4. You are intelligent. YAY!!
5. You have wide-ranging interests ... double YAY!! That means you can converse on a variety of subjects already AND you are likely to take an active interest in whatever your Domme is into.
6. You have a great sense of humour ... I can't emphasise enough how important this is! Much better to have a sub You can laugh with when You fall over on Your high heels and face-plant into his groin ...
7. You are a good communicator. That just about gets Me wet! You can string words together and do so unbidden ... and what's more you can do it in WRITING too! Enough to make Me swoon!
8. You can pass for normal when you need to ... great, that means you won't embarrass Me at auntie's funeral or wherever. In a lifestyle relationship, a Domme needs to be able to trust you to behave appropriately wherever She needs to take you.
9. Foot massages! Well, there's a nice bonus! If you want to add to your skills base, go and do a course to learn how to give proper full body massages. Few Dommes would not appreciate a skilled masseur.
I'm sure you probably have other good qualities you haven't thought to mention. For example, do you have good table manners? Undervalued perhaps, but try living with someone who doesn't and you quickly begin to appreciate them! My ex hubby thought it cool to open his mouth wide and kinda fold an entire piece of toast into his mouth in one go at breakfast, it was so nauseating I stopped having breakfast at the same time!
Are you polite? Do you naturally say please and thank you and treat people politely in everyday life? From the way you have posted over time, I would bet that you are.
Are you kind-hearted? Do you like animals and treat them well? I judge a lot of folks on how they treat My pets. And I should've paid more attention to My old cat's reaction to My ex ... would've saved Me a lot of grief!
Are you attentive? Do you follow what is being said AND remember it? After someone has told you they like carnations for example, do you remember and take a bunch of those for a surprise gift, or do you forget and turn up with roses or chrysanthemums instead?
Are you a good friend? Do you take the time and effort to phone them and keep in touch, or do you expect them to do all that? Do you send a card on their birthday in time?
All these qualities are WAYYYY more important to Me than how much you earn, how taut your abs are, or what type of career you have. Yes I want a sub who is able to support himself, I can't afford to support him. But beyond that, as long as he makes responsible fiscal decisions, I don't give a rats arse as to where he is on the work hierarchy. And I don't expect a sub to serve and serve with nothing in it for him. That's simply unfair from where I stand.
So, as to shyness, well, I was also shy by nature. But I made a deliberate decision that I wouldn't let that stand in My way and resolved to change. Most people who know Me today laugh hysterically when I say that I was shy. Yet I can still BE shy in certain situations. Try being at a conference with 2,600 delegates including 8 Nobel Prizewinners!! Shy? Shit, I was terrified!! It took a HUGE effort of will to walk in there to the opening social occasion and start talking to someone, anyone. Know what? Most of those I talked to were just as terrified LOL! And relieved that someone had struck up a conversation with them. One such person turned out to be the nanny for one of the Nobel laureates ... which meant I even got to meet him! And he was such a nice man to talk to. Shyness largely comes from fear and a feeling of being unworthy or different, lowly. The key is to realise this ... you are a human being ... they are human beings! That's something you have in common, start from there. Yes I was nervous as all hell when I first went to a bdsm event ... but they were just people too. Some I liked, some I didn't. Don't go looking to only speak to Dommes, just go to chat in general, make friends in general. Men, women, D or s ... just go and get known. Be helpful ... nothing advertises "good sub" than someone who is willing to lend a hand at an event. It could be taking around a plate of food to help the host (great way to meet people!), it could be staying behind to help empty the trashcan and stack the chairs! Genuine helpfulness is talked about in a very positive way. Shyness doesn't have to cripple you ... and under control, it can be quite an endearing quality, better than over brashness any day. Turn what you see as a negative into a positive, make it work for you. Think of it this way, your Domme won't have to worry that you'll be eyeballing and trying to score with every woman in town when Her back is turned! She'll know that you had to overcome your shyness to be with Her and that it isn't in your nature to be chasing every bit of skirt.
In terms of who is doing the Hunting ... well as we've seen, different Women have different takes on that. Once you find someone whom you are interested in ... make a polite approach and see. Ask Her what She prefers! I'm not an aggressive hunter but I also don't want to be aggressively hunted, I see it as both people's responsibility to further the relationship. I don't want to do all the damn work and I don't expect the other party to either. But I do expect him to keep up his end of the bargain, to follow through on what he says he will do (eg phone if he says he will) and to be honest with Me about what he can and can't do.
Now, I don't think I am unique. Special may be  ... but not unique. I am sure there are other Dommes who think similarly. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to firstly realistically assess ALL your good qualities, and remind yourself of them OFTEN, just as Lockit suggested. Start believing in yourself as an overall good bloke who has a lot to offer a potential partner. Then, get moving and get out there!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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RE: Unrealistic expectations - 
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