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Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 9:47:28 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		I’ve noticed that about 10% of the men I meet try one of three intermingled attempts upon first meeting or communicating.  Whenever this happens I just totally tune out--I'll be as polite and gracious as I can until I never have to see the person again, but unfortunately the world is small enough that I do sometimes run into them again, so I’m wondering if I’m being unfair or coming to a hasty generalization.

The attempt that I dislike is an immediate effort to play to my vulnerabilities.  Some do it very crudely and some in a more sophisticated manner, but it seems to boil down to something like this:
*          You aren’t very attractive--you would be lucky to find a Dom, but I just happen to have an opening right now
*          Most men don’t like newbie subs--they are difficult and not worth the time, but right now I’m bored…
*          There are so many more subs than Doms, you probably won’t find anyone, especially because you __________(fill in perceived inadequacy here) but…

I’ve gotten the last quite often, the second quite a few times, and the first occasionally (even from men who haven’t seen my picture, but almost exclusively on Craig’s List for some reason).  The last one really surprised me the first time I heard it because, in my experience, more men are open about being interested in kink than women, so regardless of the makeup of Doms to Subs, it seems like there are more women than men; but the fact that it was so transparently false made me question why anyone would use it.

I know I’m not perfect, but I also know that if someone is going to shape me, I want them to do it based in values that I embrace and starting with debasing just seems to put the cart before the horse (hopefully I don’t ever end up with someone who punishes literary clichés, because then I’ll be in real trouble…).  Am I correct in assuming this is someone coming from a place of insecurity and it isn’t really worth my time?  Is there another dynamic I should consider?
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:21:06 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Some men think submissive women are stupid.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:30:56 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline 		Personally I found most sub/slaves to be quite intelligent, articulate, and well read. My theory is that the less self-centered one is, the more aware of the world they are. Sub/slaves, of course, are the embodiment of giving and are more studious and mindful of others. They are open to new ideas and experiences in their desire to please and serve. The other aspect is that self-centered people only dwell upon what pleases them and often turn to their own indulgences as opposed to trying new things.


Loki

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to slavejali)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:39:02 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Females have more grey matter. Scientific fact.

Some males on this site have such an over inflated view of thier gender [and that thing between their legs] that it leaks out. Ignore them.
I know a lot of decent men, and NONE of them will let me 'play dumb,' it does me no good, I tried doing that in high school, it worked to an extent, but out here in the 'real world,' brains are valued, and unless your partner wants an atomiton, doormat or zombie, they should be looking for brains.  
I have a brain and God knows, I will use it, even if it means I have to deflate a few overinflated male egos who cannot handle it in the process.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:44:05 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Am I correct in assuming this is someone coming from a place of insecurity and it isn’t really worth my time?  Is there another dynamic I should consider?


I would never presume, Lady C. Such presumption gives someone of that ilk far to much credit. I have found that grace and elegance speaks volumes in dealing with small children. A simple 'thank you for your kind opinion' then moving on generally does the trick. Be grateful they have outed themselves so completely and so quickly.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:53:40 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Doms and subs are first people, they come in all qualities.

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/24/2006 10:58:05 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I’m going to become a doormat dom.

Damn I hate that word.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 3:31:03 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Generalisations iun areas of rece, age, gender, religion and such matters gives me a general overview of some of the aspects of people I will be dealing with.. Past that, each person is unique, I just have to work out if they are siuted to me and if so, in which way. Then I need to, with the person, work out where we stand and if we will journey togther. My late sensei once told me that each person is like a furled flower and to learn them you forget all of your preconceived ideas and slowley unfurl each petal, one at a time..... 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to cillydom)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 3:58:32 AM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley

I’ve noticed that about 10% of the men I meet try one of three intermingled attempts upon first meeting or communicating.  Whenever this happens I just totally tune out--I'll be as polite and gracious as I can until I never have to see the person again, but unfortunately the world is small enough that I do sometimes run into them again, so I’m wondering if I’m being unfair or coming to a hasty generalization.



Only 10% my I would have estimated higher. In my opinion the number of people willing to step up and demonstrate their ignorance is directly in proportion to the amount of anonymity they have. When you encounter one of these, count your blessings that you don't have to be him!



_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to ladychatterley)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 5:01:21 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		OK, it's only 10%. What exactly are you complaining about? It could be higher. Their are people on all sides that play these games and for them it works. Just be happy that the other 90% aren't as pompous and move on.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 5:42:40 AM   
petcerina


Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline 		No. i don't think so.  i think you've hit it on the spot.  They aren't someone you should try to be with if they make you feel this way.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 5:52:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley
I know I’m not perfect, but I also know that if someone is going to shape me, I want them to do it based in values that I embrace and starting with debasing just seems to put the cart before the horse (hopefully I don’t ever end up with someone who punishes literary clichés, because then I’ll be in real trouble…).  Am I correct in assuming this is someone coming from a place of insecurity and it isn’t really worth my time?  Is there another dynamic I should consider?

The ones who are doing that have no idea how to actually form a social relationships with someone or how to have authority in their own rights.

So they try and take it by making you feel inferior/shamed.  It's the only way they know how to have authority- by making someone NEED them.

Sad part is there's plenty of subs/slaves out there who just need someone and will easily fall into some cyber dork making a quick pass at them. 

There are some secure and mature doms out there, I promise.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ladychatterley)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 6:00:38 AM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

OK, it's only 10%. What exactly are you complaining about? It could be higher. Their are people on all sides that play these games and for them it works. Just be happy that the other 90% aren't as pompous and move on.

I wasn't trying to complain--however, one of these guys (who I tried to politely let know I wasn't interested several months ago) made me feel really uncomfortable at a munch last week.  It was my first munch and he was clearly part of the community. I started to wonder if there was something else I should be considering or if there was a dynamic of which I was unaware.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 6:10:22 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley
I wasn't trying to complain--however, one of these guys (who I tried to politely let know I wasn't interested several months ago) made me feel really uncomfortable at a munch last week.  It was my first munch and he was clearly part of the community. I started to wonder if there was something else I should be considering or if there was a dynamic of which I was unaware.


Heh, rock star dom- he knows everything there is in order for you to become the perfect sub and of course he's going to tell you ALL of it.

I tend to just smile and nod, pacify them, and then laugh about it for a few days.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 7:02:38 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		i've never gotten one of these emails; how f**king rude.  But i wonder why not?  How come i'm putting off 10% of the assh***s? 
 
candystripper

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 9:05:11 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		No one can make you feel anything.
 
As soon as you realize that you made the choice to feel uncomfy ,you take back your power and are free to make another choice.
 
Besides first muches are nerve wracking, but you have done it now, and that is the hard part, keep going back make some friends and ignore this guy.
 
Is there a dynamic you should be aware of?
 
No there is no rule or tradition in the leather lifestyle that stipulates that someone who has been as rude and as disgraceful as this person is about receiving rejection has been, deserves anything from you what so ever, you gut told you he was a poser, that is why you rejected him, trust your gut now and dont give it or him a second thought.


quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

OK, it's only 10%. What exactly are you complaining about? It could be higher. Their are people on all sides that play these games and for them it works. Just be happy that the other 90% aren't as pompous and move on.

I wasn't trying to complain--however, one of these guys (who I tried to politely let know I wasn't interested several months ago) made me feel really uncomfortable at a munch last week.  It was my first munch and he was clearly part of the community. I started to wonder if there was something else I should be considering or if there was a dynamic of which I was unaware.


_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to ladychatterley)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 9:43:08 AM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I take it we're in agreement?

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 10:52:38 AM   
Ceyx


Posts: 89
Joined: 8/23/2005
Status: offline 		I believe that a D/s relationship-- of any sort, of any degree of intensity, frequency or commitment-- should be fulfilling for everyone involved. With that in mind, the only relevant question here would be, 'Do you find this sort of treatment offensive and off-putting?' If so, then these people aren't worth your time simply by virtue of the fact that they aren't for you.

I wouldn't conduct myself that way, but I can envision a relationship in which this sort of humiliation might be mutually satisfying and fulfilling for both parties. It takes all kinds, and your pleasure won't be the same as someone else's. Fortunately, you only have to be responsible for your own desires.

[Edited for spacing. I need to get more sleep.]

< Message edited by Ceyx -- 4/25/2006 10:53:48 AM >

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 11:58:27 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I haven't been around long either and I've wondered about a lot of behavior I've encountered so far. Wondered if it was some commonly used Dom tactic or unspoken rule or method I didn't understand from my lowly newbie perspective. Now, I haven't figured out a whole lot yet, but one thing I have figured out, is if I have to work that hard to make a person's behavior make sense or be acceptable, it's probably just NOT acceptable.

Stick to your guns and don't let it become a habit of second guessing yourself just because you are new. In fact, now is when you must be strong. If you allow yourself to overlook things or bend your perceptions or doubt yourself at this stage it could have bad results. Even if you are dealing with a completely honorable Dom, miscommunication can have bad results. If a Dom uses these kinds of tactics at the meet-n-greet stage imagine what he might do to get you to push or even break limits?

Nope, I think you are very perceptive and haven't missed anything at all.


(in reply to Ceyx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Hasty Generalization? - 4/25/2006 3:39:12 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		The S&M scene in the real world isn't some magic place where assholes and idiots are shown the door and only the noble and pure transcend into our hallowed halls.
Just like at any cocktail party, there are bores and clods at munches.  There are people who run groups who use that position to intimidate people into doing what they want them to.  Heck there are even wonderful people having a shitty day.  It is however real, unlike all the online stuff, you will meet people you wished would play with you, ones you will never tire of watching and ones you wish you never met.

However, till you have been at a party with beautiful gay men standing like statues waiting for their owners, dykes fisting little girls, someone flogging some's back bloody, and a beautiful woman slowly being painted with wax you haven't lived! 

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 20
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