Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s

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Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/8/2010 5:31:35 PM

CuriousAries

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Joined: 1/25/2010
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Greetings, all. i'm looking for some advice.

i'm currently in a relationship with an altogether wonderful Dom i met here on CM. W/we are both married to fairly vanilla partners and neither of us wishes to change that. W/we are able to spend substantial chunks of time together only a few times a month, but usually communicate every day by phone/text/chat/email, often all of the above.

So what's the problem? i am finding that, the day after a session, my emotional equilibrium is shot. i'm tearful, sad, needy, generally a bit of a mess. He is, of course, unfailingly there for me when this happens... but this can't be an attractive trait, and i'd like to get a better handle on navigating the transition between the little one who gives herself totally and unhesitatingly to Him, and the woman who usually has herself pretty much together in her other life.

If there's anyone out there who's experienced something similar, i'd be very grateful for your suggestions. Thanks!

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/8/2010 7:05:08 PM

sunshinemiss

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How does your husband support you during these times?

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/8/2010 7:06:59 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Use the search function for subdrop. Basically play winds up draining us of all kinds of brain chemicals. Our blood sugar plummets, endorphins are exhausted, etc. It takes a couple of days before they get back to normal.

Try to have the next day be an easy one, add in naps. Try chocolate. I find chocolate can keep me from plummeting into a depressed state. And remember to play when you're hydrated and well nourished, not when you're already sleep deprived and running on empty. It helps.

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/8/2010 7:36:09 PM

cloudboy

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Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousAries

Greetings, all. i'm looking for some advice.

i'm currently in a relationship with an altogether wonderful Dom i met here on CM. W/we are both married to fairly vanilla partners and neither of us wishes to change that. W/we are able to spend substantial chunks of time together only a few times a month, but usually communicate every day by phone/text/chat/email, often all of the above.

So what's the problem? i am finding that, the day after a session, my emotional equilibrium is shot. i'm tearful, sad, needy, generally a bit of a mess. He is, of course, unfailingly there for me when this happens... but this can't be an attractive trait, and i'd like to get a better handle on navigating the transition between the little one who gives herself totally and unhesitatingly to Him, and the woman who usually has herself pretty much together in her other life.

If there's anyone out there who's experienced something similar, i'd be very grateful for your suggestions. Thanks!

ps my profile is currently hidden

My wife and I are in a similar situation, as we each have dominant partners outside the marriage, and our time with those partners is very scheduled, predicable, and sometimes filled with gaps. The whole situation is less than ideal, but everyone tries to make the most of it.

I would describe the problems in our situation as "disconnect" without a choice or alternative.

The upside is that less contact, less immediacy, and less time together means better more valuable time when things are good.

The downside is frustration, boundedness, and forced separations that create distance. I often refer to this as separate worlds syndrome.

The way I cope is to try and live the world I'm in and build things into that time that make happy and content. Simply put, if I'm not seeing my Mistress -- then I try to make sure I have something else to do. At its best, I have diversification: a wife, a Mistress, hobbies, friends and work.

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/9/2010 10:12:29 AM

RedBottomGirl26

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Joined: 9/17/2009
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Curious, I am glad u finally found someone u think is your equal or someone who shares your same interests. However, I will caution u to playing married. The reason u are feeling drained, could be possibly b/c you are feeling a bit guilty. After all u say you and your BDSM partner, both have caring & supportive partners that you don't wish to divorce right? If you are tearful after a session, more than happy, I would urge u to take a closer look at that type of atmosphere. Now, granted all subs (esp. myself) go through withdrawls or some amount of crashing after a scene, but I know a scene went really well if I'm perky and positive a few hours or day after the episode. If I end up crying way too much or am anxious all the time, then I will usually suspect something is wrong. I certainly don't want to tell u how to live, so if both of you are happy with your lives, then I think that's great. Though, I would encourage you not to keep your BDSM a total secret. You would be surprised how supportive some spouses can be, if they realize they may lose you to something they don't understand. But, of course, not everyone is accepting, suppose you'll have to just do what's right.

< Message edited by RedBottomGirl26 -- 10/9/2010 10:15:12 AM >

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/10/2010 3:20:47 PM

lovingpet

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~FR~

Sounds like plain ole subdrop to me and Des gave great advise to help prevent and get through it. I don't think it is a "trait" or something you can control the way you described. It is what it is. It is the price we pay for playing hard. Not everyone experiences subdrop and even within those that do, there are a lot of factors determining how severe it will be and how it will present.

Let me just ask though. If this is how it is going to be, is it worth it? It sounds like neither of you plan to make changes to your lives that would diminish or eliminate these gaps, so you will have to work out for yourself and among your husband and dominant how you will navigate these times. Poly or something like it requires a lot of communication and coordination. It means that there's going to have to be give and take and accommodations made in order to preserve the well being of all parties involved. You all may need to do some adjusting or make some changes for your well being. Still you have to consider what happens if those measures fail or are never taken. Is this relationship and situation enough? What is important to you? What can you walk away from? How much can you bend and adapt to make things work? What is your breaking point?

I wish you well as I do have some idea what this is like. Learn to take care of yourself before, during, and after play. Learn what you need and how to let go of other things. Honor your partners' needs. I find that when everyone has the same goal of supporting one another and the relationship(s), they can get through most things. Take care and all my best!

lovingpet

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/10/2010 4:00:53 PM

sexyred1

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I understand how you feel, although I am single. You can have subdrop even when seeing someone infrequently. I have it everytime I have a scene for the next few days. I have it now and I recognize it, so I take it easy, give myself an easy day if possible and generally rely on myself to take care of me.

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RE: Emotional ups & downs of part-time D/s - 10/11/2010 7:46:52 AM

CuriousAries

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Many thanks for all the info and advice! i'm very grateful to all who offered their suggestions and shared their experiences.

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