RE: Controlling your temper (Full Version)

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leadership527 -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 4:25:34 PM)

My rule for our marriage... whoever gets there first wins.

What I mean by that is that it is NOT healthy to have both of us angry and behaving like children. So whoever gets angry first gets to be angry and the other one gets to be the adult. I suppose if I don't feel like being an adult, then there's always the "Destroy my relationship" option that juju spoke of :)



PeanutTigerinBox -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 4:27:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

I have only learned to control mine as I have gotten older and realized what does and does not matter to me. 


Dito, though in my case it had more to do with my fms than growing older. When I received my fms (fibromyalgia) diagnosis I researched it a bit and learned that emotional distress can (and most of the time does) lead to pain. Eg approx. 3 years ago I had an argument with a train ticket controller who was a twat. My zone ticket was valid for the bus from place S to K but not via train...as brieflly the train was in a zone which wasn't on my card (rather petty, considering I can't leave the station in that zone, but fine, he found a reason [8|]).

I was controlled about 3 times before that and never had an issue with my ticket, so I assumed my ticket is fine via train, too. Most of the times I took the bus but sometimes when it was after a certain time I took the train as then my bus was way too much in danger to end up in a heavy traffic jam due to school runs and I couldn't afford being late to uni all the time...

So that twat did realised that my ticket is wrong and wasn't competent to judge between a fraudster and a missunderstanding...him calling me up on it wasn't my issue...thats ok with me, what was my issue was that he tried with indirect speech to accuse me that I would be lying to him...and thats not something I take lightly. E.g. he said there is no buys from S to K (meaning I would be lying to him when I tell him that most of the time I take the bus)...so I reminded him which two buses DO go from S to K, and showing him with my assertiveness that he can try that crap with others....but he continued, one of the other attempts were when he tried to doubt that I would only go twice a week to K, being so sure that I would go there 5 times a week, after all thats what students are supposed to do... following which I told him that the other days of the week I am working in E and suggested to him to call my boss...he just did that several times to try to accuse me of lying to him and there I was boiling inside as I was just sick of his attitude...at that time I haven't had my diagnosis of fms (got it soon later) and once I finallly reached uni I had to go home 30 mins later as my whole body was just a mass of pain...

therefore since I know that emotional distress leads to pain I think twice if I am bothered about things a person says or a particular situation or not...and quite frankly very rarely do I give someone else the power that it does bother me. Usually it has to be someone really close to me that I put up with it, on other occassions I just cut off the ties as it isn't worth it. In that year I had one person in my course who tried to wind me up but since I have my diagnosis I cut her short in the start and she realised she is getting nowhere...following which she stopped bothering me the remaining 2 years in uni.

Same with some dates on here...when they think they can string me a long, usually it doesn't last for long and I call it a day with them in a final email or IM...I am just not having any unneccessary emotional crap anymore, just because they dont know what they want or not being man enough to have their say. When they can't make up their mind then mine will be made up very soon and I am gone [:)] Mr. A used to blame me for seing things black or white in life but quite frankly, thats fine...i do in between, too, but not in regards to dates...either he is seriously looking or he isn't and when he isn't then he can just move on and bore someone else instead [:)]

Therefore to give someone the power to wind me up, it takes someone who really means a lot to me to achieve that and they more often than not don't have that interest in the first place.



IrishMist -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 4:48:55 PM)

quote:

So... for those who have had trouble with their tempers, with their emotions in the past... how have you learned to control it? I have tried mantras and beating up on my punching bag but that doesn't seem to help when I'm seeing red. Honestly this is something that I really want to get some tips on since my emotions run deep - both good and bad - and if I could curb them, it would be lovely.

I have a punching bag that I abuse when my temper runs away. I have been using it now for almost 15 years and for me, it works, mainly because my temper does not last long. I am one of those who blows up often but not for long and once I am over my 'temper tantrum', the whole issue is over and done with.





anniezz338 -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 4:54:14 PM)

I agree with alot of the responses. I was very fiesty when I was your age....lol. It does mellow out with age.

A reaction with temper can mostly take the focus off of the real issue and then the temper becomes the issue. It is self defeating behavior and doesn't solve the issue that caused the frustration.

I choose my fights carefully
Take the extra few seconds to think of a diplomatic response while still making my point.
Is my being right worth the grief this is going to bring?
Am I personally attacking someone with my anger?
Keep my frustration focused on the behavior, not the person.
Am I pissed at myself?
Has it been 28 days already?






NuevaVida -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 5:14:27 PM)

Hi Aqua,

I'm not sure my response will help at all, but I did want to say I used to have quite the temper.  It was due to a lot of anger I was harboring, and had to work through.  Once I worked through it, I came to understand what I was feeling and why, what triggered it, and how to move past it.  The other thing is my ex owner did not tolerate my temper at ALL, and if I wanted him to hear me, I was forced to figure out a different way of communication angry emotions.

I am not of the camp of "having a big temper is ok," as I have found it to be destructive to lash out at a partner - big boy or not.  I much prefer to bed on the same side of the equation with him, working together toward sorting out the issue, than to be on opposing teams, hurling words words at each other.

Like sexyred1, my ex husband brought out anger in me I didn't know I was capable of, and I found my temper to be completely uncontrollable when we'd talk (after we separated).  Even though I pretty much loathed him by then, it made me feel ugly inside to say such things to another person, and to feel the things I was feeling.  I realized I don't like being hurtful, even when it's toward someone I don't like.

Just because you haven't found a solution doesn't mean there isn't one (I'm pretty sure you know this), nor does it mean "this is just how things will always be."  Having gone through some profound changes in recent years - changes that have enhanced my life exponentially - I can assure you, if you want to change an aspect of yourself, you most certainly can.  I applaud your ability to figure out a behavior you don't like, and seek ways to change it.  Impressive.

For me, it took therapy to work out the anger and hostility I harbored.  My divorce was the catalyst (um, I don't recommend divorcing Valyrean LOL).  Through sorting out that anger, I sorted out a whole bunch of other things.

Another thing that helped me a lot was writing. After a "blow up," I would journal all the things I was feeling, what triggered them, why I believe those feelings were triggered, and what I was able to take from it all. For me, it was becoming acutely aware of myself that helped change some of my behaviors.

Good luck with this, Aqua.  I've no doubt you'll sort it out.



Kaliko -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 6:24:28 PM)

I started a blog. It helps me to write things out, and for me, it helps me to know that there is the possibility, even if not a real chance, of someone actually reading it. I don't advertise it, it has no followers, and I've told no one the name or web address of it. But when I'm feeling my emotions get away from me, I sit there, let it all out as if someone is listening to me, and then - magically - I usually feel more calm.

Actually - quick edit to add that I HAVE told one person about it - my Sir. I don't hide things from him. But he leaves me be with that and he knows its purpose. Other than that, I've told no one.



Twoshoes -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 6:34:06 PM)

Anger isn't inherently wrong. Personally, I dislike anger; it reminds me of my father.

Simple advice: stop interacting, walk away, calm down, try again.
Complicated advice: You don't 'control' emotions; you can selectively expose yourself to known triggers that further specific ones. (As with meditation.)
 
In practice, I avoid anger, while I'm still annoyed, by:
-walking outside (calmness triggers abound).
-focusing on the sensible parts of an angry outburst, while disregarding provocations.
-focusing on positive/neutral emotional triggers. (strong memories--a tree, a place I've lived, something nice the person did for me, something abstract, my general memory of "serenity", etc.).

Just because someone else is angry, doesn't mean I have to be. I'm more likely to dissociate myself from a tough situation—a bad defense mechanism, but sometimes useful: "I don't care."

If I decide I care, I can listen well without getting upset. I've been yelled at for 11 minutes straight with the person only making two points in a stream of sentiments. I acknowledged them, but I still felt tired/emotionally drained, which is why I don't wish to do this often. I very rarely get angry or yell myself.

I also can say very true, hurtful things and influence others to be angrier (or calmer). Honestly, I'm slightly emotionally sadistic, so I do my best to keep my desire to poke people with sticks to a minimum (and anger makes that more difficult).

I am so very thankful for both my high capacity for empathy and conscience. As I've become older, I've been making more conscious choices to help people. I do trust myself to not be too hurtful while angry. No one's been mad at me for more than 2 days, so I'm good at acknowledging/apologizing. And I've never had a close relationship that was "ruined".

quote:

ORIGINAL:AquaticSub
People often don't take me seriously until I'm screaming.

Despite my silliness, everyone who knows me well takes me seriously, which makes me happy.

I absolutely love people who do not take me seriously. They are sooo delicious.[;)]



Twoshoes -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/10/2010 6:55:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

My rule for our marriage... whoever gets there first wins.

What I mean by that is that it is NOT healthy to have both of us angry and behaving like children. So whoever gets angry first gets to be angry and the other one gets to be the adult. I suppose if I don't feel like being an adult, then there's always the "Destroy my relationship" option that juju spoke of :)


Quoted for awesomeness, Jeff. [:D]



ranja -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 1:54:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

People often don't take me seriously until I'm screaming. Which I think is part of why I scream in the first place! [:)]




it seems that you should work on how you get your point across... or you might have a slight misconception of  how other people perceive you, because here on the boards you seem to get your point across quite seriously without using caps

as mentioned by others age seems to mellow temper... also the more you know and understand your partner the better you are supposed to be at 'dealing' with them... but this is not true for a lot of people who end up splitting up.

We decided that my Husband can slap, pinch or tickle me if He gets fed up with me being uppity... there usually is a chain of events, things happen and spiral out of control... it helps if either of you can see the signs and have some sort of breaker material to use, to curb the flow of events that would lead to a full out screaming match.
i manipulate Him too... not with slapping or pinching of course, but i can see when He is in an awkward quarrelsome mood and i have my ways to stir Him out of it.

If there are more serious issues we do not agree upon and it causes us both to struggle with our tempers we take it slow... we put in thinking time between the exchanging of 'ideas' and sometimes it might take a few days before the issue is adequately resolved... as someone mentioned when it is bed time; go to bed... don't end up sleep deprived and mad, it is no good.

Also even though you might be greatly helped by your partner manipulating you to prevent a full anger attack, you should remember that it is totally in your own power to let the anger happen or to go along with the diversion... these are your own feelings and you are in ultimate control, this is YOUR character, do you want to be agreeable and nice... or furious and unreasonable? (even though you might have a point)

and although hiding your anger might be something handy to be able to do sometimes, it is an even better skill to be able to control your own anger and let it flow away.

When i feel bad... long walks sort me out best

ETA
sometimes i am really mad about something He has done and i really feel that i  should sort this out... but i am not totally capable to put it adequately in words... and He is better at arguing than i am... He would just twist everything... so instead i write it down and again and again untill i have it on paper exactly as i mean it... without any swearwords or namecalling... it gets my point across very very clearly it seems.



breatheasone -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 2:08:50 AM)

i am approaching menopause, and controlling my temper at times is truly almost impossible. And the worsted part is, i am a spectator. i can SEE myself doing, and saying some pretty hairy stuff, but i seem to only be able to watch, as this crazy woman, with my face, and voice, acts like a mad lunatic lol. i do a LOT of talking to my mates, and they do a LOT of understanding...and we all live to seize another day.  



takemeforyourown -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 5:15:27 PM)

I am a nurse. I am required to control my temper and have become quite adept at it by being exceedingly polite to the patient/family/doctor/jerk in question and then going straight to one of my coworkers to tell them, "can you believe what so and so just said?" I think having a third party to vent to is absolutely essential...even if it's just in a journal or to a therapist.

On the other hand, I have also learned to 'walk the line' and be forceful with my opinions while still being civil. I wish I could apply these skills to my marriage more often, LOL!!



catize -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 6:28:54 PM)

Aqua,
I don't have any real suggestions for you but I found this quote I liked

You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings. (Pearl S. Buck)

I have great faith that you will figure out how to help yourself!

(((hugs)))




DesFIP -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 7:24:52 PM)

Aqua, why are you spending time with people who don't take you seriously? You are a great woman, you deserve to be with people who do hear you, do acknowledge you, and not people who ignore and negate you.
Maybe you need to change who you're with to avoid getting to this point.



sofldan -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 7:58:57 PM)

I used to never be able to keep my temper. My grandparents raised me and my grandpa who was retired military always was yelling and pretty verbally abusive. So the apple didn't fall far from the tree. It took years to admit the problem when I was with my ex wife. And then once I admitted the issue I took steps to fix it. I studied a lot of zen meditation, took anger control classes, and learned to think before I spoke in anger. It took time I had to sometimes remove myself from the room, house, situation. But I did get it under control. Today I never raise my voice but when I am mad people know it. You don't have to use words as a knife or wrecking ball to get a point across. Communication is one thing that a lot of people have a problem doing. Just work on it and think before you speak. Learn to have inner peace and when you get fired up it's easier to keep that fire under control.



WolfyMontgomery -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 8:25:39 PM)

I've never had a 'temper' in the sense of what other people think of as tempers. I don't get angry. I get hurt. At the same time though, I have never been anything but an emotional extremist (I really am your traditional Scorpio, I don't do anything mildly ;P). When I get hurt, I get broken. When I do get mad, I get furious. When I am happy, I get ecstatic. The list could go on. Though when I do get mad, that fury often turns to guilt and then makes me rethink myself and why I'm mad and usually I realize very quickly I shouldn't be as angry as I am, and beat myself up over it. When I was younger, I would bottle up my angers and self hate until I exploded in a very dangerous fashion to myself (I think you can guess how).

Because of these facts, if I am showing an extreme emotion in any negative way, Master takes notice immediately, and he usually knows that when I start bottling up and being self-hating, it was probably something he did that got me mad that I then got mad at myself over (hawhawhaw... though I'm not actually kidding, it's funny because it's true).

Because of the way I show anger though, I have a VERY terrible way of communicating my real issues that cause me to feel this way. Even though my tantrums are not the same as yours, at the same time, we both must figure out ways to properly communicate our feelings. I have needed to force myself to speak about something right when it happens or soon after, so that it is still fresh in my memory and I don't start distorting it to point fault at myself. Often times I have learned that if it hurts me enough at the time, I won't be able to speak the issue, but instead I will write it down as soon as I can so that I can keep it, save it, and either give it to Master to read or reread it and try to talk to him about it on my own.

That same thing may work for you as well, though for a different reason. Instead of lashing out in the moment verbally, lash out on a piece of paper, and like everyone said, either rewrite it or after you've gotten all your anger out on that piece of paper, you've hopefully calmed down enough to go and talk rationally again. It helps you really focus your thoughts on the root cause rather than the moment that you happened to break.

Worst advice I could ever offer would be to plot it out in your head only, because you'd be surprised just how much your mind distorts things the longer you think about them. You will either make the issue much worse by building on it, or you will hurt yourself by second guessing your own feelings and why you are angry and then in turn get mad at yourself for doing so. Your mind, as much as it is your best friend in logic, is also your worst enemy when it comes to emotional issues.



gungadin09 -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 9:53:50 PM)

Forget about temper. i have trouble controlling my bouts of raging lunacy.

pam



AquaticSub -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/11/2010 11:53:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Aqua, why are you spending time with people who don't take you seriously? You are a great woman, you deserve to be with people who do hear you, do acknowledge you, and not people who ignore and negate you.
Maybe you need to change who you're with to avoid getting to this point.



Many reasons - part of which are my fault for who I associate with and part of which are my fault for what I allow and part of which is accidental due to my personality. It's something that I'm actively working - with Val's support of course - but it's one of those life changes where I don't expect it to happen quickly. I'm still merely 25 and trying to figure out the balence I want/need to strike in my relationships.

I do appreciate your kind words and it's entirely possible that you are completely right. Perhaps I'm spending so much time with people who drive me crazy by not taking me seriously that I'm more inclined to lose my temper with the people who it's 'safe' to lose it with.

I don't know... but it's something that certainly deserves serious consideration and thank you very much.



SpiritedRadiance -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/12/2010 12:12:18 AM)

Aqua-

For me, I have alot of self awareness. I ask myself okay whats happening right now, okay how does that make me feel?

now once i got to the point where i realized okay this is me starting to feel angry. I break the conversation and mention as respectfully as possible "hey look i really dont think i can handle talking about this right now" If they continue i do my best to breath and understand that this has to be dealt with or the person im talking to is an ass......

If it continues and i get to my prebreaking point, I mention again "hey look I cant do this if we continue i need to leave" If they continue, I leave. I never let them get to the breaking point, and if they constantly try to push me to that level i cut them out of my life.

When angry to keep it under control, I put on the loud thrashing headbanging music, and run as far and as fast as my body will carry me, I cry i whine i whimper i yowl, I sit under a tree and i absorb the sun, I do everything possible to calm the beast inside, and i go back to the situation.

I apologize for leaving as i did and i move forward.

I dont think it comes with age, I dont think its an as you get older it will just happen, Im only in my early twenties and have had a decent control over it for a few years now.

Your at a point where you realize your anger is not something productive, for me it was because my anger is dangerous. When all i can see is red, it usually ends badly.....

As long as you can realize what makes you angry and where that breaking point is you can control it.





ranja -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/12/2010 1:52:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Aqua, why are you spending time with people who don't take you seriously? You are a great woman, you deserve to be with people who do hear you, do acknowledge you, and not people who ignore and negate you.
Maybe you need to change who you're with to avoid getting to this point.



Many reasons - part of which are my fault for who I associate with and part of which are my fault for what I allow and part of which is accidental due to my personality. It's something that I'm actively working - with Val's support of course - but it's one of those life changes where I don't expect it to happen quickly. I'm still merely 25 and trying to figure out the balence I want/need to strike in my relationships.

I do appreciate your kind words and it's entirely possible that you are completely right. Perhaps I'm spending so much time with people who drive me crazy by not taking me seriously that I'm more inclined to lose my temper with the people who it's 'safe' to lose it with.

I don't know... but it's something that certainly deserves serious consideration and thank you very much.



Although it is obviously a good idea to choose your friends wisely, it is my opinion that so many people are ignorant tits that there is no way to avoid all of them... some of the tits might even be your own flesh and blood, or atleast go through a severely titty fase at some point and perhaps you find yourself right in the line of their ignorance... Sometimes a person gets exposed to so much shit that unfortunately they turn into a shithead themselves for a while; it is to be expected...
to control it i think the best thing to do is to train yourself to deal with it as best as you can as it is far more difficult to try and avoid these situations or to run away from it.

Pam... it is quite normal to be a lunatic, embrace it



DesFIP -> RE: Controlling your temper (10/12/2010 6:41:45 AM)

Unfortunately it is a truism that we don't pick a fight with the biker who cut us off on the highway, we come home and hit our: wife, kids, dogs, etc. We take it out on those who it is safe to take it out on.

You could take half an hour when you get home to go for a run, do some meditation, take a long shower. Whatever helps you cool down and transition. And you also need how to draw healthier boundaries. You need to figure out what to say when such a situation comes up and repeat it word for word every time. If they talk badly about Val when you've asked them not to, then you say something like "I will not spend time with you if you try to break up my relationship. Call me when you are willing to be respectful" and then hang up or stand up and walk out. It has to be word for word every time though or it never gets through. Do this, and they'll fall into line quickly. They are dismissive of you because you permit it. 



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