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strangedesire -> RE: Beginner games?? (10/12/2010 12:39:08 PM)
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My girl told me about a game that she once played with a boyfriend. She blindfolded him, and would put her hand very close to some part of his body. If he guessed correctly where it was, she touched him there. If he guessed wrong, she'd smack him on the butt. The structure of that sort of game made it safer for her, I think. (She has since branched out into more overt dominance.) On one hand, she was both creating challenges for him and enforcing the rules. On the other, the game made it easy for her to understand where her power started and ended, and the rules of the game itself almost functioned as a kind of "second dom" helping her maintain control.
If you have a bit of creativity, games like that aren't hard to think up. The trick for you is going to make sure that they give her control within the game while still providing clear boundaries.
Simply dumping power in someone's lap is tricky. For used to egalitarian relationships, having someone say "I'll do whatever you want" can be overwhelming.* If you're going to do it, come equipped with suggestions and ideas for making her feel good. You're a smart guy, and I assume any woman you'd want to play with is smart enough to know that you can offer her sexual favors, but she may not realize that you could bake cookies naked while she watches, or that you have access to a pedicure set and nail polish in her favorite color.
*I'd say that this is especially true of women. The dominant narrative of of heterosexual sex in our culture is that of the agressive male taking what he wants from the female, and her pleasure being secondary, a result of his. I suspect that this is unsatisfying for both parties far more often than Hollywood tells us, but I'm just a puffy queer chick, what do I know.
I'm assuming that she doesn't know much about all of this, right? If so, try very hard to verbally differentiate between fantasy and reality, and to set very clear limits. Not because she's going to mistake fantasy for reality, but because you want to be clear to her that you can tell the difference. If you say, "I will do anything you tell me," and she knows that you wouldn't really go out and rob a bank, it's going to seem phony to her. On the other hand, if you're roleplaying "cruel mistress" and "slave," it will be obvious to her that you're not actually going to do anything that will damage, and she can get into the power trip of making you kiss her feet without worrying that you will have nightmares about it for weeks to come.
If all else fails, laugh with her. Ask her to give orders in a horrendous German dominatrix accent, and encourage her to enjoy it when she sounds silly. There's a fair chance that if you do a lot of exploration with this woman, some of it will fail to turn her on. (Or you. Or both of you.) As long as you can enjoy the process of being with each other and connecting to each other, though, it will work out. And if she learns to associate her dominance with the euphoric high of laughter in her throat? She will feel free to explore it, even if it doesn't end up satisfying her deepest sexual needs.
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