Mercnbeth
Posts: 11766
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sephis,
I read your post regarding "questioning ones self" and at first thought it best to reply directly versus on the thread, since you directed the question to "subs & slaves". But I'll take a "Master's Privilege" and post in the thread.
We frequently meet and converse with many couples contemplating the total immersion into this lifestyle, as well as "experience" couples who come to a crossroad in their relationship where one or both of them experience the same self doubt. It really doesn't matter if you perspective comes from the slave or the Master, polly or exclusive to each other, the problem's solution is contained in one word of the question - "self".
Personalities, perspectives, and previous experience (both vanilla & 'flavored') are present when you meet. When you meet you repress some of "self" as a part of the courting ritual. The excitement and newness of the relationship distracts you from realizing you are doing this. The longer the newness lasts and the excitement is there the more the pre-meeting "self" is repressed.
Then at some point, maybe as the result of some relatively insignificant incident, the tiny voice of "self" is heard. Faintly at first, but soon it becomes a background noise that you can no longer ignore. You wonder "what happened?" and start to doubt.
It's then where tools like "stupid, insignificant, unenforceable" (as other's sometimes refer to them) rules and/or 'Contract' serve a purpose. Ideally written and agreed upon early in the relationship conception, they contain the fire and passion that was there at that exciting time. The document captures the goals you had, not self centered goals, but goals for the relationship. It's there you'll find your answer.
Consider this perspective. Your identity and his created a new identity - yours. The collective "you" is where your identity should be focused. You didn't lose you, you enhanced you in the relationship you entered. The relationship should be more important than either individual.
It's why honesty isn't just suggested it's required. If honest communication didn't go into defining your relationship at the beginning, no matter how long term the initial excitement lasts, eventually it will end. Once it does you are now standing on a foundation built in sand. It's why the process requires being "naked" in front of your partner, exposing yourselves to each other much deeper than skin level. Until or unless you are prepared to expose your naked emotions, your naked personality, your naked hopes, ambitions, and fears; doubts become reality somewhere down the road. When they do, instead of being able to reference from initial discussions and honest communication your doubts fester into problems.
The solution I suggest is to go back to your roots with your Master. Remember your relationship is more important than yourself. It should be that way for both of you. Ask yourself at any time if what you are doing and what you are thinking contributes positively to your relationship. If it doesn't try to remove it from your thoughts. If it's an activity that can't be removed from your life, think of ways to please your Master while doing it, or think of why doing it is essential to what is most important - your relationship. If you are being true to your relationship you have no reason to doubt and your identity is secure.
Be Well and Good Luck!
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