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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 10:16:24 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, and you will get repeatedly spanked for *cheating* in this forum. (just a heads up)

agirl

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 12:38:39 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		My solution has always just been to admit that I was poly up front with everyone that I was involved with, and be honest about where I was going and what I was doing -- that way, if something went wrong, the people who cared about me most would know where I was, who I was with, and what my plans had been, and I don't have to worry about someone "finding out" or ruining my occasion by spilling the beans to one of my mates... It just makes life -ever- so much easier. (And if someone that I'm with can't accept that I am who and what I am, then they're welcome to find their way elsewhere -- it isn't healthy for either of us to lie about who we are, and for me, an deceitful relationship is unsatisfying, and is -not- better than being alone!)

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 10/14/2010 1:23:57 PM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 1:17:48 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Not everyone is disatisfied with keeping their lives in compartments.

It's easy for me to be open because I don't have much cost attached to it , but other people do have, be it personal, emotional or practical. Their call.

agirl

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 1:30:47 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Not everyone is disatisfied with keeping their lives in compartments.

It's easy for me to be open because I don't have much cost attached to it , but other people do have, be it personal, emotional or practical. Their call.

agirl



I would agree with you. There are many people who compartmentalize their lives and who are VERY happy. However, what the OP is talking about isn't compartmentalizing -- it is hiding... which is, in essence, lying by omission, and I have real issues with the idea of "compartmentalizing" being used as an excuse to lie by omission. It's one thing if one is in a romantic relationship, and wants to participate in, say, an authority-exchange relationship that isn't really -romantic-... and compartmentalizes the two parts, but is honest with both the romantic partner(s) AND the authority-exchange partner(s)... but to me, deceit is a destroyer of the self first, and then the relationships that one is involved in. In 2 decades of providing counseling, I have -yet- to see a relationship flourish where deceit (either active or passive) was involved.

Calla


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 3:02:43 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: January


quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain
But we're both in vanilla relationships. So: going to some random hotel room for a job interview isn't quite as good of a story. :)


Hi Sudden,

Now I'm getting the feeling you don't really care about safety at all, but you're looking for ways to hide cheating from your respective vanilla partners. Sorry, if that's the case, I've got no advice for you.

January



I'm fairly certain he's trying to do both.

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 3:05:09 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

OP, even if I had great advice on how to cheat on your vanilla partners safely, I wouldn't give it. If you can't tell anyone because you're afraid your significant others will find out, I have no sympathy for you or your new partner.

And really, in terms of what you can do to assure safety, you can't. If I met someone who was the sort of person who would cheat on someone they were in a monogamous relationship with, I wouldn't trust them with petty morals like not lying to me about what they intend to do with me.


You might if you were also the sort to cheat on your vanilla partner.  There's two victims here and neither of them are kinky (at least not as far as we know)

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 6:06:00 PM   
lonelyblueboi


Posts: 51
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP: you're cheating on someone who should be able to trust you and breaking that trust, why should anyone else be able to trust you?

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 7:46:45 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		~FR
Just get divorced already.
It's happening, eventually.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/14/2010 8:22:07 PM >

(in reply to lonelyblueboi)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 10:54:15 PM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		Pictures...lots of pictures. And videos. Share them here with all of us.

Okay, all kidding aside, like others have said, you both pretty much have the safety in that you are both cheating on someone else, so you each have a trump card to the blackmail card.

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(in reply to SuddenAgain)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/15/2010 9:18:46 AM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain

Given our situations, she doesn't have options like telling a friend. So what can I or she do to give her the sense that she will have some way out that isn't totally dependent on me?


you don't want to be depended upon? ... speaks volumes ... tell her 'regret' is her safe word and her fucking life.


I love problem solving.

(in reply to SuddenAgain)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/15/2010 10:28:11 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

~FR
Just get divorced already.
It's happening, eventually.


In my own case, this is exactly the advice I was given 10 years ago by a friend. I didn't take it, and the resulting train-wreck was 100 times worse in terms of angst than it would have been if I'd done the right thing there and then.


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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/15/2010 12:22:09 PM   
KitchenWench


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/14/2010
Status: offline 		SuddenAgain, years ago I took a very big risk in sharing my kink with my husband. It was a "now or never" kind of thing and I "manned up" (lol) and laid it all out on the bed, er, table. The next thing I knew I was holding my breath, not because I was waiting for his response, but because I was waiting for his crop to hit my bare bottom for the nth time. Who knew that the skills involved in training dogs and horses could so easily be refocused on a woman??? (Come to think of it, that's probably why I find Cesar Millan so damn hot. lol) Instead of looking elsewhere and risk destroying two families, have you talked with your wife about your desires? I promise it won't be nearly as bad as trying to explain why you're having kinky sex behind her back with the wife of some other clueless man.


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Everyone sees what you seem to be, few know what you really are." - MDS

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/15/2010 3:02:01 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I know someone who had a dog that was very human aggressive. This dog would literally launch himself at strangers with his jaws wide open for a big chomp on whatever body part he got a hold of first. She trusted him around her 6 year old son, and last week he attacked the child and the poor boy had to go get staples the wounds were so deep. He'll have permanent scarring, and he's now terrified of dogs.

Why did the woman allow that dog around her kid? Because she said 'I trust him. It will never happen to a family member! He loves us!'

The OP is deluded in thinking that he'll be able to hid an affair from his partner, and that it will never do damage to his life. The OP thinks 'It will never happen to me. I'll be careful.' That's why when I look up lawyers in the phone book, most of the space is dedicated to DIVORCE. The innocent party will have their life ripped apart, but 'it'll never happen to me. I'll be careful.'

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(in reply to KitchenWench)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/15/2010 3:41:38 PM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		Most people in CM forums don't want to be enablers. When someone appears to be ready to launch into a scenario that will eventually damage two innocent Significant vanilla Others.. who wants to be giving directions on how to help this happen?

It's interesting that the OP who needs help in a cheating scenario rarely comes back to comment. I often wonder if they ever bother to read after the first few harsh responses.

Someone very close to me, long dead, had a completely non-judgemental attitude towards married people who wanted to cheat on their spouses. i never could understand her logic on it tho I asked for explanation now and then... I couldn't get it. All these years later, I still don't.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/16/2010 8:33:35 PM   
Starred4Life


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Mutual Assured Destruction.



what an awesome concept! (and nomenclature)

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/17/2010 5:54:26 AM   
lilredsubmarine


Posts: 62
Joined: 6/17/2010
From: QLD, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: January
...
Safe calls do not require being completely honest!


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Tell both partners that you're in vanilla relationships with.  Automatic safe call.  Problem solved.

My other half has been My safe call person on a number of occasions.



um, newbie question: what's a safe call? i mean, i'm sorta guessing it's a trusted friend who knows the address of where you're going, and you can call if you find yourself in a bit of a pickle (and not the fun kind!), but if you are in a pickle then how can you call them to come bail your arse out?

...wait..... (can you hear the cogs turning? egads) .... unleeeessss you call them to say everything is hunky dorey and then they only swoop in all batman-like (batlady-like?) if you DON'T call them after an agreed amount of time?? i feel so young and naive right now....

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/17/2010 6:59:58 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		safe call....great way to find your body.


(in reply to lilredsubmarine)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/17/2010 7:05:44 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Actually, you are right. Most phones can be traced. Safe calls should be made with someone who has all the information. But they cant have all the information if you, the submissive, have not done your homework. Its amazing how fast a someone with evil intentions will back off once he/she realizes they are dealing with a potential victim that knows what questions to ask and what proof to demand.

_____________________________

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/17/2010 8:30:36 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Starred4Life


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Mutual Assured Destruction.



what an awesome concept! (and nomenclature)


It's not original.  It was coined during the Cold War when both the US and the USSR contained enough firepower to destroy the world many times over.  An outright war at that point would have destroyed both adversaries.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Starred4Life)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/17/2010 11:29:21 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Starred4Life


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Mutual Assured Destruction.



what an awesome concept! (and nomenclature)


It's not original.  It was coined during the Cold War when both the US and the USSR contained enough firepower to destroy the world many times over.  An outright war at that point would have destroyed both adversaries.



Steven,
Our ages are showing...

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 40
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