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Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:07:38 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

i recently started talking with a Dom who was recommended to me by someone on this site as someone who i might be compatible with, which i really appreciated. However, the Dom refuses to call me by my name. Please understand i have no trouble when my ex-Master called me different names and i can understand completely that reaction when someone is owned. However this particular Dom will only address me as slave or sub and not by my name even when i have asked Him to do so. i am wondering if this is common, as this behavior is making it very difficult for me to feel any sort of connection with this person at all.

Again please understand inside of a relationship, i don't really care what i am called, but in forming one, it seems to me that getting to know the whole person is important. i also don't think i would have the same reaction if He was using terms like pet or girl as those seem more affectionate to me. Maybe it is just me. i don't know and that is why i am asking.

Hope this wasn't too confusing and thank you all in advance for your answers.

heartfelt

Post #: 1

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:12:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
. However this particular Dom will only address me as slave or sub and not by my name even when i have asked Him to do so. i am wondering if this is common, as this behavior is making it very difficult for me to feel any sort of connection with this person at all.

It's common with rude people who think that being a dom gives them special anti-rudeness powers.

Except in rare cases (this certainly not being one of them) it is polite to call someone by their preferred name. To do otherwise is not only not respecting you or your preferences, but it's also suggesting that they consider how they feel and want to act as most important.

Neither of those are what a person really wants when trying to get to know someone- but some subs really get off on that pig headed rudeness "fuck you and what you think slave, I'm gonna call you slave and you'll like it"/"calling girls slaves makes their tummies flutter and gets me closer to their pussy."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 2

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:18:23 PM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

What LuckyAlbatross said.

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Post #: 3

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:22:39 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

I could not agree more.

I even address being called 'slave' on my profile, yet the egomaniacs who do it wonder why I don't respond.

From personal expereince, I get called a LOT of nicknames, if I ask someone to 'stop' anyone who has respect for me, will do so out of respect. When online, I have a tendancy to address people by their sn unless I know their real name or I use a nickname if it's approprate.
Any lowlife who calls me 'slave' or the like is just showing how much they need a life and how overinflated thier own ego is. Forget them. Just call'em as you see'em, trolls or people with few manners and no respect.
LuckyAlbatross, have you been reading BOS?? Some moron did as you describe, thats the way to MY heart for sure. {rofl}

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:26:19 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I have the habit of refering to many people as lad, laddy, lass or lassy with caps where appropriate when writing. I have the annoying habbit of forgetting both names and phone numbers.. If I've seen your photo on an intelligence report, police report or record or met you, I'll recognise you years down the track. Names and phone numbers? I'm totally hopeless.... On line I'll usually have notebook up and make a note of what your name is so I get it right and I'll tell you early on that I do forget names... I find that I'm up front about it few people get offended.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Post #: 5

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:27:15 PM

jezzabelle

Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline

*Agrees with what LuckyAlbatross said also*

I don't know how common it is, although I have come across it myself also. If he continues to ignore your requests to be addressed by your name, then I'd seriously reconsider continuing to chat with him. If he is already disrespecting you by ignoring such a simple request when you aren't even his, what other things will he disregard in the future if you were to become his, just because he feels it's his right to do so as a Dominant?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:40:53 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

Just to be different, I am going to ask what is so wrong with what the guy is doing? So he is a bit quirky about using her name...maybe that is his "thing" and otherwise he is a swell fella...

It might be "rude" in polite society...but this sure ain't polite society. If within three minutes of talking with someone, they tells you that they are (or are not) into piss, scat, blood and needles, I think you might expect the abuse of some of societies norms.

If the guys is a loser, it will show up sooner or later, but one strike on the not using your nameissues shouldn't eliminate him...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:49:07 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I have the habit of refering to many people as lad, laddy, lass or lassy with caps where appropriate when writing. I have the annoying habbit of forgetting both names and phone numbers

But, Bear, this is supposed to be someone who is seeking to be her dominant. I'm bad with names too, but if I'm seeking to form an intimate relationship with someone, one of the things I do is make an effort to learn her name.

I bet you do too [wink]

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 8

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:49:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
It might be "rude" in polite society...but this sure ain't polite society. If within three minutes of talking with someone, they tells you that they are (or are not) into piss, scat, blood and needles, I think you might expect the abuse of some of societies norms.

Actually no I don't at all. I'm not sure why you don't consider this to be polite society just because we hit with canes instead of climb rocks.

quote:

If the guys is a loser, it will show up sooner or later, but one strike on the not using your nameissues shouldn't eliminate him...

Taggard

It's not about "the name" it's about
a) presuming social closeness when there is one (naming someone is a social custom and should not be overstepped)
b) ignoring someone's specific request
c) presuming your own desires and interests outweigh anothers

Someone who can't follow basic social etiquette isn't someone I'm interested in learning more about. I already know we won't get along.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 9

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:50:31 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

If the guys is a loser, it will show up sooner or later, but one strike on the not using your nameissues shouldn't eliminate him...

Taggard

One strike doesn't eliminate anyone, but it certainly counts when the next two show up.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 10

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:56:45 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

However, the Dom refuses to call me by my name. Please understand i have no trouble when my ex-Master called me different names and i can understand completely that reaction when someone is owned. However this particular Dom will only address me as slave or sub and not by my name even when i have asked Him to do so. i am wondering if this is common,
[/qoute]
Your name is personal and it humanizes you. This may be the reason you don't get your name. Might be worth delving into.

quote:

as this behavior is making it very difficult for me to feel any sort of connection with this person at all.

If this is the only thing that is holding you back from connecting, you ain't doing so bad. Didn't your (or doesn't your father call you by nicks more than your real name?) How did you ever connect to your father if this is the case, or perhaps I assume to much.

I am making no statement here, one way or the other. I am relegating this issue to the void......

I am offering a possible explaination for a behavior that in my mind fits the facts. You may want to just come right the fuck out and ask him why it is the way it is, this is what we attribute communication capable of resolving.

Good luck.....hope you find the love of your life,

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 11

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:59:38 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

The problem that i am having is it is inhibiting my ability to make aany sort of connection with him. Instead of looking forward to talking with him, i feel resentful about this behavior. The only reason that i have continued talking with him so far is that i am in a very small niche market with what i'm looking for and he happens to have some of the qualities that i am seeking. However this behavior is making it hard, if not impossible to see if we are really compatible.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 12

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 1:59:42 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

I've run across ones who do that. If they do not have the courtesy when asked to stop doing that and use your name in early contact, then perhaps you should cut contact and move on. That's what I've done. Those types seem more caught up in the fantasy as well as rude and uncaring of a sub's preferences. If they refuse such a simple thing in early communication, what might be next? I have Dom friends as well as one I am building a relationship with, and they are courteous and have asked me both what I prefer to be called and if calling me a certain name such as girl or little one, etc is acceptable to me. They are definitely no less dominant for being courteous to a sub or slave.

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Sarah2
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Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 13

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:13:15 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Just to be different, I am going to ask what is so wrong with what the guy is doing? So he is a bit quirky about using her name...maybe that is his "thing" and otherwise he is a swell fella...

What's wrong with it is that she doesn't like it. She has politely asked someone to stop doing something she doesn't like and he won't stop. Seems pretty obvious to me what's wrong with it.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 14

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:22:09 PM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

Did you make it clear to him you didn't like the non-use of your name? I mean, sometimes we don't effectively communicate things--way too often, for some.
Or, if it was only mentioned briefly in passing, it's possible he's forgotten or it just didn't sink in--it does happen in a busy mind. It's worth another mention if you'd like to continue getting to know him.

Barring that, I'd say it's rude and presumptive of him, plain and simple.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 15

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:26:28 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

i first asked him why he did it. And have asked him twice to call me by my name saying that to me it is part of getting to know the whole person. Yes my name humanizes me and i have no problem with dehumanization after a relationship is formed, but a two-sided relationship can't be formed except between two humans. At least in my opinion.

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 16

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:27:15 PM

jezzabelle

Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline

What was his response when you asked him why he did it?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 17

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:41:41 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I have the habit of refering to many people as lad, laddy, lass or lassy with caps where appropriate when writing. I have the annoying habbit of forgetting both names and phone numbers

But, Bear, this is supposed to be someone who is seeking to be her dominant. I'm bad with names too, but if I'm seeking to form an intimate relationship with someone, one of the things I do is make an effort to learn her name.

I bet you do too [wink]

hell yeas.. It's just the first two meetings in which I have problems after that I have them tagged but not bagged.....

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 18

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 2:44:13 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

I've had that happen as well ...

If its an offensive (to me) kind of name like 'bitch, slut, whore' ... Then I'll request they call me darq ... If they still cant take the hint I'll usually just quietly ignore them. To refer to a girl you've just met as 'girl, sub, or slave' touches a nerve with me personally because its like, if you're trying to get to know me and determine whether or not I'm compatible with you, then why would you be trying to depersonalize me so swiftly? Get to know if I'm what you're seeking and you're what I'm seeking and *then* depersonalize me ...

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to jezzabelle)

Post #: 19

RE: Not using names during initial conversations - 4/25/2006 4:36:54 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
I think you might expect the abuse of some of societies norms.

Actually no I don't at all.

Then we have a very different idea of just what is meant by "polite society."

quote:

I'm not sure why you don't consider this to be polite society just because we hit with canes instead of climb rocks.

They don't climb rocks in polite society, they climb social ladders. *wink*

quote:

It's not about "the name"

That was entirely my point. If this guy's only flaw is that he refuses to call potential property by their given name, it really shouldn't be that big a deal...should it? It seems that there are a lot of people willing to toss the guy over board for what is a rather mild (for this bunch at least) excentricity and abuse of social norms.

Now, this particular quirk might by symptomatic of a larger ass-hattedness, but I think, if done the right way, it could be an endearing character flaw...

quote:

a) presuming social closeness when there is one (naming someone is a social custom and should not be overstepped)

Not beating people is a social custom that this bunch oversteps all the time. We all pick and choose the customs we honor...no?

quote:

b) ignoring someone's specific request

You can't always get what you want.

This is something that kills me at times. I can only assume, not being one myself, that the submissives on this site are here because they wish to meet dominants...right? Do they expect those who are dominant to not want to get their own way, even when introductions are being made? It is like the dominant is supposed to go from "mild mannered" to "master of the domain" only when the time is right for the submissive...

Guess what? The whole dominance thing doesn't really "turn off". If the guy doesn't want to use names, why would he give in to the request of some submissive he doesn't even know? So he can get to know her and then somehow magically earn the right to not use her name? Hogwash...

I think that Master will be much better suited doing just what he did. Live his life and he will find the one who belongs to him...

quote:

c) presuming your own desires and interests outweigh anothers

Where are you getting that? He simply wanted to conduct his interview the way he wanted to conduct it. I have heard no mention of him forcing any desires or interests on her. She was free to leave at any time...I imagine.

quote:

Someone who can't follow basic social etiquette isn't someone I'm interested in learning more about. I already know we won't get along.

I certainly agree with you, but I don't think we are a very representative sample of the lifestyle. And I hardly think the flaunting of one rule of basic social ettiquite is worth the ungodly wrath visited on this poor dominant.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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