Tripping over baby-steps

Tripping over baby-steps (Full Version)

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WolfyMontgomery -> Tripping over baby-steps (10/14/2010 6:16:29 PM)
First, a bit of info for why I'm asking the question: From almost the very beginning of Master's and my relationship, he has wanted me to be a more forward person with what I want. Part of this included being more of an instigator in sexy play times. Before meeting him (and still for the most part) I have never been able to come on to others with my sexual needs/desires - even now I find it very awkward to come up to him, turn up my sexy-volume and seduce him. My feet or hands or my mouth tend to get in the way in either being a bit of a klutz, or fumbling my words, being rejected, etc... I've had to grow in this in baby-steps, because I need to get used to and get comfortable with being forward and sexy and whatnot. I definitely WANT to, but it's still near impossible for me to suddenly just turn on my "I'm sexy" switch and become the proverbial succubus he wants. So last night, I decided (because I was horny, harhar) to try and turn up the heat myself and try to seduce Master. Since I still find it difficult, I have to admit that I didn't do an amazing job - but I tried. The biggest problem was, Master was so tired he just giggled, made a couple jokes about things, didn't really take them seriously last night, and fell asleep to my fondling him... Yeah, I went to bed really pissed. When we woke up in the morning Master was confused as to why I was angry, we talked about it, he apologized and explained to me that he was really tired (he didn't even fully remember part of it because I did really put him to sleep lol). He told me that while it failed last night, I shouldn't let it get me down as much as it did, that he was sorry for failing to see that I tried, said he was proud of me for trying, and that I should try it again later. That even my baby steps count and he was sorry he didn't catch it to give me a boost in confidence when it happened. So here come my questions: It made me curious, anyone else ever trip over their baby steps and their reaction to said tripping they let it disrupt their own personal growth? Or their Masters/Doms/pick-your-terms make a mistake and accidentally push back whatever steps your taking in any growth in your life? How do you deal with it? How do you keep yourself from going back to square one (which happened to me a couple times when we were first starting to feel out how to go about solving my issues)? How does your Dom help you deal with it or how do they deal with it themselves? To clarify, I'm not merely talking about being seductive, but anything relating to your personal growth - whether it be overcoming a food addiction, self-esteem issues, dealing with conflict, dealing with stress/anger, dealing with communication issues, and anything else I didn't mention. Masters and Doms are more than welcome to reply, but I have to admit I'm more curious about the sub/slave perspective, merely because that is the perspective that I come from. =)

DesFIP -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/14/2010 7:07:32 PM)
Ah yes, fear of rejection. I try to make sure that I can't slip up. Meaning I wouldn't have sprung it on him but hinted broadly during the day so he could have rejected the idea not face to face, or at least not in the moment. Something like "I was thinking when you get home I could be wearing that sheer green baby doll, what do you think?". This way he would either have told me he was going to count the minutes or said he had to work late and he wanted it tomorrow night instead. Seriously if there's a way to not be rejected like that, I would find it.

WolfyMontgomery -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/14/2010 7:24:37 PM)
Exactly Des. Though for a while I had thought that it was something he wanted to do too, since he had mentioned doing sexy things later and the only thing that kept it from it now was that he was driving LOL. And so when I was all hot and bothered last night, it was a bit of a shock to have him start snoring to my hand job >_> Though in his defense when I do try to do things on my own I'm always a sucker for sensuality, so it probably was a VERY relaxing hand job! Have you ever had a moment where you were rejected and dealt with it badly? Or just a situation that, because things weren't communicated right away (because he fell asleep or whatever lol) you were hurt and angry? How did you deal with it at the time?

Communist42 -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/14/2010 11:00:36 PM)
I'm not terribly experienced, but I intuit that recovering from such rejection could be contingent on the trust in the partnership and the personal confidence already built. If you are coming from a totally shy place, the only thing that could help is knowing that he really cares about you. If he's the kind of master who really tries to work on himself as well as helping you better yourself, you probably already know that his mistake won't be a regular thing, and that should soften the blow. I have struggled with this problem with a partner in the past. In my case, he really was just negligent, and it took me many tries to realize that I could never count on him to respond with the appropriate reinforcement. When I did acknowledge the truth, I had to force myself to become a stronger person. If I was to remain with him (and I desperately wanted to be with him), I had to act without expectation of reward. I had to attempt to be the person he wanted while receiving no support from him. Since I have long wanted to be the kind of independent person who was motivated from within myself, I had a unique opportunity to condition myself in an unforgiving environment. It was difficult to accept that the man who had promised to help me bloom into a better woman was unable to do so, but from this situation I learned a valuable lesson which has taken hold of my viscera and which will never be forgotten. The lesson is this: that no one has, nor will ever have, more control over me than me. I had already known this in my overt thoughts, but somehow I could never fully take responsibility for myself. With the help of this man, I took the first steps toward self-reliance. It's a lesson that I wanted to learn. I had hoped that it would come more softly, but it seems that I never learn but the hard way. Though I can not credit him with having done anything but be a lazy partner, I thank him for helping me in my journey. In my case, it was my own inner strength which allowed me to survive constant rejection. A woman without my tough shell would be helpless against a careless Master. Be sure that yours truly has your best interests foremost in his mind, and then trust him.

WolfyMontgomery -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/14/2010 11:34:42 PM)
Your words are very touching, Communist42. And it is very true - I recovered fairly quickly on the knowledge that (once I spoke to him about it) he was deeply sorry that he'd missed out on the chance to encourage me to be better, and that it was a one-time (or more, depending on if I have the wonderful timing of doing it when he's already half falling asleep again lol, but still not his intentional) thing. I am glad that Master isn't negligent in the way he helps me, even if he is a little more stern than I might like, he's stern enough to get me on my feet and listen without being mean about it. In some ways I almost envy you for discovering your inner strength on your own, I don't think I ever could. Anything that I do that helps me, often won't get done unless someone else benefits from it - or at least that is a pattern that I've noticed in my life. I need motivation other than my own wants and/or needs in order to do something. I'm just glad that he does have my best interests in his mind, and he gives me that extra motivation I need to really work towards my goals. Thank you for replying! Your words really mean a lot to me.

ranja -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/15/2010 2:26:36 AM)
Seduction is an art, you can learn how to turn on a man, flirt with him, draw him to you, make him feel good, make him want you, manipulate... It won't always work... when he is tired and you don't go about it the right way indeed chances are that he will fall asleep... a hand job is not a seduction, a hand job will not necessarily make him want you. Dominant guys want their woman to want them and they want to think that they have the lead... that is what turns them on, so that is how you have to lead them on. If you are turned on and want sex... maybe it would work to tell him that you are feeling horny, that you are really turned on and that you would like him to pleasure you... you could ask if you may take off his shoes and kiss his feet He would be very clear as to your feelings, you would ask the question politely and be very honest, you give him the info and the lead This is seduction with the best chances of success If you would put on a sexy dress and do things you think might turn him on you might succeed too, but everything becomes more vague, less honest and the long way around and unfortunately men are notoriously bad at picking up hints... this is why they think women are so hard to read... we speak different languages. I think it is difficult to be honest about sexual feelings... it took me years to find that level of confidence and pleasure in my own embarrassment i wasted so much time with vagueness and sexy dresses and disappointments good luck and have fun

WolfyMontgomery -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/15/2010 2:53:14 AM)
You make some very good points, ranja. One of the steps to learning how to seduce is to know what to do and how to do it, and I'm still learning that most definitely. And I was doing more than just a hand-job. It just sort of turned into that when he turned towards me and told me to keep touching him all over after I caressed his face and back while whispering in his ear about wanting oral. Yep. And so it turned first into a full body massage, and then when I touched him down there he said to keep doing that, so it turned into a hand job. I guess in some ways you could say that as soon as he told me to do something my seduction mode switched off and I went into serving mode again. And then a few minutes into the hand job he let out a snore... and... well, you know the rest LOL. All I can say for him is that at least it wasn't a full blown bear snore - it was just one of those soft cute ones. But it was still a friggin SNORE. So yeah, I did a kind of okay job, I just got distracted and then he got asleep. Harhar. But I'm not really asking for advice on seduction - I know what to do and how to do it, I'm just too chicken/still working on my self esteem issues and fears of messing up to do it right, which I'm working on - and while advice is good, I was really hoping to hear from experiences from others about issues they have with their own problems while they're taking the baby steps to get past their emotional hang ups. Things that got in the way of your own growth in overcoming an insecurity of any kind or a bad habit or whatnot and how you dealt with them. It's more of a "Lets Share Our Experiences" thread lol. Did you ever have any emotional issues that you were working on, and you or your significant other made a mistake, causing you to have a little upset in your overcoming those issues? How did you deal with them so that the upset was then fixed or at least less upsetting? Did your S.O. help or hinder or just leave you to figure things out for yourself? Have you ever had a moment that sent you back to square one - for example like how someone might be working to get an abused dog to trust them, but then go to touch them too quickly and making backwards progress? How do you deal with it?

DesFIP -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/15/2010 5:08:48 AM)
Basically all you can do is pick up the pieces, lick your wounds, and go on. Usually though it takes me quite a while to gather my strength up and try again. Which would require him doing a lot of encouragement before I would feel up to trying again. I don't handle rejection well.

agirl -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/15/2010 2:02:26 PM)
I've had loads of problems letting go actually , some very similar to your own but to be brutally frank, if the first time I'd got my act together and plucked up my courage, he'd fallen asleep, it'd have given me a right old knock for a while. But that was back then , and this is now....Ittook a goodly few attempts at expressing myself, my desires, showing myself, to yeild better results.....ie, smily, happy people. Basically it boiled down to a joint effort. But he was there too, expressing HIS desires and from that , I began to believe it would be alright.......and of course, it was. Plus, I've fallen asleep too.....LOL agirl

WolfyMontgomery -> RE: Tripping over baby-steps (10/15/2010 5:48:54 PM)
@ DesFIP, It's always good to know that you have someone there to encourage you though, it's part of what makes the process easier - at least in my eyes. Is it the same for you? @agirl, Lol, oh it did give me major issues all that night - I barely slept through it even though he was snoring right next to me. It wasn't until I could really see that he was sorry he missed the opportunity to help me reach my goals and get over my emotional issues that I started feeling better about it. I feel it's still going to take a while before I can build up the courage to try again, but at least I know that I can and, unless I have bad timing AGAIN, I can expect that he'll be there to encourage me and help me get better at it.

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