Social Problems

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Social Problems

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> Social Problems

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Social Problems - 4/25/2006 2:10:18 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

I am a switch. No big deal. I outed myself publically in front of many others last year when I announced my orientation change. The problem I have is that socially I act dominant, even though almost everyone who knows me knows that I have a submissive side as well. But that is here in Michigan. My submissive side is just a side that I have never let out in public though. I went to St. Louis this past weekend and had a blast. I spent most of saturday in a submissive position and I discovered that I enjoyed that role most intensely. It was especially enjoyable because almost no one there knew me.

I guess what Im asking is this: Even though I am a switch, and it is publically known here in Michigan that I am such, why then do I still feel socially uncomfortable being submissive around people who only know the Dominant side of me? I know I shouldnt be embarressed by it because thats who I am, but why such discomfort at the thought? Is it because I only let them know the Dominant side of me and Im afraid of their reactions? Or is it insecurity on my part? What is it? Im by nature extremely introspective and it helps me a lot in my personal growth, but why this huge block and how to deal with it?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Social Problems - 4/25/2006 3:30:11 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I think when you're around people enough they come to expect certain behavior from you. You automatically switch (no pun intended) into the mode of behavior that you're used to using around them. It's always a little strange to break your set behavior pattern, especially the first time. It's a big unknown how others will react and how you will pull it off. I have this to say about it, though, if they're unwilling to accept the change in behavior, provided it's appropriate, you'd do better to associate with different people. Anyone truly worth being around will accept your various sides.

Then again, it's also possible that you're uncomfortable dropping the dominant persona because you do not wish for others to treat you as a sub outside of scene. You might be afraid that once you show your submissive side and act accordingly, you will forever be treated as a submissive by the people who once treated you as dominant. It might be a loss of control issue.

I have no idea if that helped or not, but it was what crossed my mind when I read your post.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to Saint)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Social Problems - 4/25/2006 8:04:19 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

I think, really, only you can answer this question. We can all speculate, but in the end, it's your feelings and your perceptions that you're dealing with here, and we're not in your shoes.

However, a few thoughts do come to mind. I know that, here in Northern Indiana, male subs aren't always treated with much respect and courtesy. If it's the same where you are, that could be a contributing factor. Another could be that you're afraid maybe you won't measure up in the submissive position.

When you're with strangers, you're more free to be yourself - all parts of yourself. But when you're with people who have known you for a while, they all have this image of you that may or may not be accurate, and it's hard to step outside of that image to be who you really are. But do it anyway, and do it with confidence. Those who matter will take it in stride.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to Saint)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Social Problems - 4/25/2006 8:22:52 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

My sub was a Master when I met him and after we developed feelings for each other he ended it with his slave (they'd been separated for 3 months). He had always had *switch* feelings but couldn't let anyone know about them because he was involved with a group of Goreans and they tend not to think very highly of male submissives. So he had hidden those feelings for all of his life really and he was afraid basically that if he did come out that he would be looked down upon. His slave, and past slaves, certainly wouldn't have understood a Master who suddenly wanted them to dominate him.
It was only after he got away from all of that , that his head was cleared enough that he could do some soul searching to discover who he truly was. Now he is the happiest male sub I've ever seen. He has said he no longer feels he is living a lie or putting up a *front* for others to see. He can be Dom or he can be sub, whichever mood strikes at the time and not feel bad about it. Yes he lost those friends from the past because they didn't want to accept him. But then one has to question if they let something as small as this kill their friendship, were they really friends to begin with? I don't think so.
Be true to who you really are and don't worry about what others think. They will get over it, or they won't and its not your problem. You are who you are
~Lashra

(in reply to Evanesce)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Social Problems - 4/26/2006 8:55:45 AM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for the replies. It definately gave me fodder for thought. I think that we all have our personas that we wear, whether it be in public, private, work environment, etc.etc. I believe that for me, I am so used to being seen as a Dominant, that I am not sure of how to be any other way in public. I also think that I have never been used to being scrutinized by others and this is one of those cases where I would most definately be so. It doesnt matter whether the scrutiny is positive or negative, Im just simply not a person who likes to feel limelighted. So now I have a new goal for self betterment. To get over what I fear others may think, and to simply be myself.

(in reply to Lashra)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Social Problems - 4/27/2006 7:06:18 PM

SweetPosession

Posts: 87
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

Why don't I talk about girlfriends with people I grew up with? Why was it weird finding out that other people I went to middle school with are also kinky? We know that we change, but we tend not to expect other people to, or to accept our change.

(in reply to Saint)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Social Problems - 4/28/2006 6:31:50 AM

Dustyn

Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline

Now this is going to be assuming that the people that you are concerned about this with are your friends.

Could it be possible that you are concerned that you will loe friends if they "discover" this side of your nature? No one on this planet exists to make another happy to the exclusion of themselves. I know I don't. If I make someone happy, it's because I enjoy the reaction and the sensations that it gives me. But that is just me, so take it with a grain of salt.

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to SweetPosession)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Social Problems - 5/8/2006 3:35:19 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Find a balance between your Switching. When someone asks if I'm a sub or Dom I tell them I'm just me. That's how I see myself. Switch is part of it but not who I am.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to Dustyn)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Social Problems - 5/16/2006 8:55:38 PM

luluorange1

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint

I am a switch. No big deal. I outed myself publically in front of many others last year when I announced my orientation change. The problem I have is that socially I act dominant, even though almost everyone who knows me knows that I have a submissive side as well. But that is here in Michigan. My submissive side is just a side that I have never let out in public though. I went to St. Louis this past weekend and had a blast. I spent most of saturday in a submissive position and I discovered that I enjoyed that role most intensely. It was especially enjoyable because almost no one there knew me.

I guess what Im asking is this: Even though I am a switch, and it is publically known here in Michigan that I am such, why then do I still feel socially uncomfortable being submissive around people who only know the Dominant side of me? I know I shouldnt be embarressed by it because thats who I am, but why such discomfort at the thought? Is it because I only let them know the Dominant side of me and Im afraid of their reactions? Or is it insecurity on my part? What is it? Im by nature extremely introspective and it helps me a lot in my personal growth, but why this huge block and how to deal with it?

I guess no matter who we are, we all have the need to wonder and worry about what people think of us. That is just part of being human, so don't be so hard on yourself. Having said that, to reflect on whether you are truly comfortable with who you really are( hence you are uncomfortable with what people might think of you) is probably the next step. I have struggled with my internal thought about what people would think if I do certain things, but I alway remind myself that I am the only person I need to answer to when I get up in the morning and look into the mirror. As long as I am comfortable in my own skin, it's ALL GOOD.

_____________________________

"The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live." Elbert Hubbard.

Mistress S

(in reply to Saint)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Social Problems - 5/16/2006 9:02:55 PM

Phoenixandnika

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

Evening Saint,

Sometimes it is easier for me to let my gaurd down around perfect strangers than people that I know well. That may sound odd, however; to me it makes perfect sense. These people know nothing about me, they don't know my past, my present , nothing but what I let them know. We have no history. So I can let go of my inhabitions and not have to worry about seeing them in my every day life.

Blessed Be,
Phoenix's Nika

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

(in reply to Saint)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Social Problems - 5/27/2006 10:57:20 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

I have difficulty being a submissive in public. To me, to give up control is really really hard. Ive only ever found one i can do that to.
I trust him a lot. I trust other far less so.
Being submissive makes me feel vulnerable, out of control, which with him, is great. Not so with others.
So i also find myself behaving in a dominant manner. Im safer that way. Interactions are on my terms.
Now we are beginning to socialise as a couple in the public scene, im required to be submissive, as i am with him. Its really hard.
You have my sympathies.
little1
Edited to add: when i was seeking a Dom, this made for a real disaster! I needed to not walk so tall (hard when your a six foot amazonian looking woman), control myself and not baulk at the would be dom's approach. I was useless at it. Without the trust, i just couldnt do it. So i went online, established a 'submissve' rapport with one, this set the scene in my head, then brought it into real life. Arse about face way of doing things i know, but thats me all over lol.

< Message edited by Sirandlittle1 -- 5/27/2006 11:00:34 PM >

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Social Problems - 5/29/2006 8:20:27 AM

Shayna

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

I find that I change disposition hourly sometimes. Feeling Dom or sub, acting sub or Dom is so dependent on the context - who I'm with - and what's going on for me emotionally. I can be at a play party acting and feeling very topish, meet a new guy who is a Dom and quickly melt down to a giggling girly girl. That's what makes me a switch. Embrace the variety! People around you will adjust :)

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Social Problems - 5/29/2006 12:34:26 PM

SmokeyM

Posts: 120
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Being a switch is not easy. I know from my own feelings I do not like others that know me to be Dominant to see me as a sub. Reasoning being is that some are so judgemental that once they see you submit in their eyes you are not a Dominant. Just like I have never been able to let one of my own submissives watch me bottom for just about the same reason and that respect would be lost.
~ Smokey

(in reply to Shayna)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: Social Problems - 5/29/2006 4:53:33 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Edited to add: when i was seeking a Dom, this made for a real disaster! I needed to not walk so tall (hard when your a six foot amazonian looking woman), control myself and not baulk at the would be dom's approach. I was useless at it. Without the trust, i just couldnt do it. So i went online, established a 'submissve' rapport with one, this set the scene in my head, then brought it into real life. Arse about face way of doing things i know, but thats me all over lol.

I agree with this idea because it's one of the main reasons that I most frequently identify as Domme. It is a rare and strong man that can deal with me as who I am and accept the reality that even if I only have a non-sexual houseboy it is necessary for me to have that dominant outlet. I've recently had an experience that has me spending time trying to get a good grasp on how to explain what I'm looking for in a partner. I've realized that I tend to categorize people into top, equal or bottom. There are very very few people that I allow into a position with me that is equal or top even in nilla life. In my life there is only one that I have allowed to be my alpha and take the lead where I willingly follow.
I would guess that you have no interest in subbing to those that know you as a dominant so what does it really matter what you call yourself? If you feel most comfortable with them as a dom then do it. When you meet someone that sees you for who you "really are" that's the time for those difficult conversations. In my experience when I meet someone where I have the drive to submit to them I know...there is no waffle or question it's a lightning bolt that I want that. I find that it's only a person that's secure with themselves and is experienced and capable.
I tell my boys or those in relationships what the deal is and explain switch if I have to and what it means for me. Otherwise for the most part I don't publicize it heavily. I'm a dominant...it's just who I am. My heart knows that there are those out there that understand this and still want to be my balance. The alpha to my omega.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 5/29/2006 4:56:20 PM >

(in reply to SmokeyM)

Profile

Post #: 14