puella -> RE: Things that affect your service. (4/25/2006 5:40:18 PM)
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I am hesitant to reply here, for any number of reasons.. but here goes: I loved serving him. Now that I am not with him, it is like the color has been sucked out of everything, even in serving those around me now whom I love. Whether it was a task I enjoyed or not, I loved serving him. It was not based on any real motivation, not sex, not gratification, not rewarding... those things were routinely denied..those were not things that tested the mettle of the nature of my service to him. It was organic and was just a part of the way I loved him. I am, however, very naturally service oriented. But to that I will add that though I love helping most people, serving, to various degrees, most people.. something happened with him that was a transcendence. I suppose love and the conscious and cognizant choice of total surrender to him made that happen... but I must also attribute the wonder of it all, more than anything else, to the man himself. I can not say that there was anything in service to him that I ever begrudged or didn't actually ache to give to him. I certainly can not speak for anyone but myself, and even that is not always something that is a good idea for me to do ;) But I would say that (and perhaps some others will know what I am saying and word it more eloquently than I can in this current space that is left for me), if you are one who loves to please, the task is not necessarily important, or as important as who you are serving. Like I said, serving him was the most wonderful experience of my life, the most moving, the most profound, the most honest... serving others with whom, not only was I not so deeply and intimately bonded, but also to whom there was a lot of negativity and animosity, was just as profound, but in the directly opposite direction. I guess when it's right, it's right, and when it's wrong.. it's destruction?
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