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Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/23/2010 1:32:54 PM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
Status: offline 		I found this page, dont know if its well known or not.  I found the site be very help full and as my wife reads over the website seems to be really getting on board.  It leaves out most of the sexual part, or anything really kinky.  I think that helps when trying to win over someone who is unsure or new to something like this.

Only thing i didnt care for was on the "for men" page, how they are using a guys letter to his wife as a template for every guy who cant form a sentence.

http://www.aroundherfinger.com/index.html

< Message edited by MrKicia -- 10/23/2010 1:33:31 PM >
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/23/2010 5:19:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It appears to be a very nonthreatening way of talking to your wife. It specifically rejects the leather clad dominatrix of media delight.
I think the sample letter is just that, a sample way of describing your desires. No where does it state that you can't write it in your own words, straight from the heart. But many men are inarticulate when it comes to their feelings so it gives them a starting point.

I hope it works for you.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MrKicia)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/23/2010 5:44:59 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		There are several ways to slowly introduce a seemingly vanilla woman into the female dominant lifestyle. One simple way is to just provide various services and subtly let on that you really enjoy it.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/23/2010 6:39:45 PM   
ReginaMirus


Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		Ich. Just, .

I have a seriously hard time with the concept that his entire submissive mindset HAS to revolve solely around is orgasms (or lack thereof). That all just seems so very male-centric, and really hasn't a damned thing to do with me or my desires at all. Honestly. So, what if a domme actually LIKES to see him blow his load, as often as possible? Does that mean that he gets to turn into a selfish pig now, because he's given CONSTANT release, multiple times over? Does that completely ruin the control dynamic? If that's the case, then I'm left to question who's controlling whom.

I dunno. I just think it's psychologically manipulative bullshit. Most dommes that I know IRL who've been in successful D/s relationships with their subs for many years generally don't have to kowtow and resort to this train of thought. Conversely, I've also seen couples who try this approach crash and burn with almost complete certainty, because she just absolutely cannot keep up, gets totally burnt out on it and feels like a complete failure once it's all said and done.

Just my $.02


(in reply to slavekal)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/23/2010 11:37:14 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReginaMirus

Ich. Just, .

I have a seriously hard time with the concept that his entire submissive mindset HAS to revolve solely around is orgasms (or lack thereof). That all just seems so very male-centric, and really hasn't a damned thing to do with me or my desires at all. Honestly. So, what if a domme actually LIKES to see him blow his load, as often as possible? Does that mean that he gets to turn into a selfish pig now, because he's given CONSTANT release, multiple times over? Does that completely ruin the control dynamic? If that's the case, then I'm left to question who's controlling whom.

I dunno. I just think it's psychologically manipulative bullshit. Most dommes that I know IRL who've been in successful D/s relationships with their subs for many years generally don't have to kowtow and resort to this train of thought. Conversely, I've also seen couples who try this approach crash and burn with almost complete certainty, because she just absolutely cannot keep up, gets totally burnt out on it and feels like a complete failure once it's all said and done.

Just my $.02


Where are you getting this? I didn't see anything about that on the site.

But fine. Let's assume it's there and I missed it.

All I'm getting is that you seem to feel guys who want a woman to control their orgasms are somehow belittling their woman's desires. Seriously, this bothers you?


_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to ReginaMirus)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/24/2010 3:33:59 AM   
ReginaMirus


Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		Yes, it seriously bothers me. It's in the women's part of that site, so I'd imagine that you wouldn't have read it. But for sake of discussion, here it is:

quote:

Consider the benefits to you of keeping him on edge. It is no great secret that after sex men become very sleepy and disinterested in affection and communication. Men have a physiological response to orgasm that is in conflict with a woman's emotional requirements for cuddling and talking after sex. I promise that any man that is denied an orgasm will have no desire whatsoever to get quickly off to sleep after being intimate with his wife. In fact, he will probably open up and talk as never before. He will dote on his wife, playing with her hair, rubbing her back, and kissing her neck and shoulders. He will behave as if he is just getting to know her. It will be as if the old flames have been rekindled.


You're a male dominant, so answer me this...how would YOU feel about a girl who only did things for you or performed to your liking because she was expecting to be toyed with and actually DENIED sex in such fashion, constantly? She actually lives for and expects you to DENY her sex, wants you to get off several times, and she doesn't get off at all. On purpose. Wouldn't you feel that just a tad, oh, incincere and disengenuous on her part, telling you what to do in the sack and precisely HOW to do it? Wouldn't that strike you somewhat as HER driving the bus, not you?

< Message edited by ReginaMirus -- 10/24/2010 3:34:19 AM >

(in reply to DMFParadox)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/24/2010 9:45:47 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReginaMirus

You're a male dominant, so answer me this...how would YOU feel about a girl who only did things for you or performed to your liking because she was expecting to be toyed with and actually DENIED sex in such fashion, constantly? She actually lives for and expects you to DENY her sex, wants you to get off several times, and she doesn't get off at all. On purpose. Wouldn't you feel that just a tad, oh, incincere and disengenuous on her part, telling you what to do in the sack and precisely HOW to do it? Wouldn't that strike you somewhat as HER driving the bus, not you?


You know, it's surprising how often this exact situation comes up. Where a female submissive doesn't feel like I'm doing things right if I attempt to get her off. Despite the fact that it's what I'd enjoy most in that moment. So I can, in fact, sympathize.

However, it's common enough that I don't blame the women; I edit my own response. Patience is called for, and understanding; because sometimes a woman's mindset changes after a great orgasm. I'd go so far as to say that more than a few of them have the stereotypical 'male' reaction; they not only no longer desire sex, they don't even want any physical contact. And so they end up feeling like they are betraying their man; so they want orgasm control. And if you as the dominant don't provide this, then blame shifts from themselves... to you. It's not fair, but neither is the weather.

That's only one example of when orgasm control is called for. There are many others, and the worst thing about dealing with submissives is how often they cannot articulate their reactions to you. It's not that 'you're supposed to figure it out', it's that if you don't, then you'll never know, because they can't tell you why they feel the way they do. They don't know. And as soon as they try to capture their mood in words, it's gone and replaced with a different one. A moving target.

My reaction to this is usually to roll with it, use the girl as the toy she wants to be, and threaten her with orgasms if she doesn't do exactly what I want. Then I find a reason to get pissed off with her, tie her up and have my way with her. Pure win. Might be a bit of a mind game, but I'm really good at those, so I'm ok with it.

However, you have one argument I can't pull off as well. You can tell the man that his orgasm - his cum - is the exact thing that your body wants, and he'll believe it because it fits with all kinds of stereotypes. And if he doesn't fuck you like you want, he's a bad sub and deserves to be whipped bloody and senseless. Get really angry, angry is good, but use it, don't just complain that the man is displaying a stereotype that you dislike.

Also, I have to add that your quote is one paragraph in a website with dozens of different perspectives on the same thing. The guy is tossing out ideas left and right, and that's only one of many. And it's probably aimed towards women that haven't encountered orgasm denial. Experienced dommes may think it's old hat, but a tentative wife exploring all of this may not have run into it and wonder why her man would ever want such a thing.


_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to ReginaMirus)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/24/2010 12:51:30 PM   
MIsabelah


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline 		My big question to you MrKicia is what about the sample letter REALLY bothers you? It cannot be the sample letter itself because every site who tries to sell a product or give information- gives an example or sample. You can easily write your own letter or communicate your own feelings with your mouth. Is the letter making your uncomfortable? Do you not want your partner to assume that is how YOU feel? If not, then write or tell her exactly what you are thinking and feeling...and leave the sample where it belongs on the site. If I am wrong and you just don't like the sample letter then once more- WRITE YOUR OWN.

< Message edited by MIsabelah -- 10/24/2010 12:53:34 PM >

(in reply to DMFParadox)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/24/2010 6:10:36 PM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIsabelah

My big question to you MrKicia is what about the sample letter REALLY bothers you? It cannot be the sample letter itself because every site who tries to sell a product or give information- gives an example or sample. You can easily write your own letter or communicate your own feelings with your mouth. Is the letter making your uncomfortable? Do you not want your partner to assume that is how YOU feel? If not, then write or tell her exactly what you are thinking and feeling...and leave the sample where it belongs on the site. If I am wrong and you just don't like the sample letter then once more- WRITE YOUR OWN.


It doesnt bother me that bad.  Im not going to lose any sleep over it.  I didnt have to write my wife a letter.  My wife and I sat down and talked face to face.  I sent her this site to read because she had been on the fence about how I felt and I guess how she wanted to continue.  But after showing her this site I am confident that she has a game plan and knows what she wants to do.  Because again we talked face to face about this subject.

The letter is a great letter.  The man who wrote it really poured his heart out to his wife, and put so much on the line.  What bothers me is how the site is using it as a suggested "template" for every guy who doesnt have the intellect to write their own emotions down into words.  What the website is doing just seems to be cheapening this mans hard work and emotions.

Just my opinion.  Over all the site is terrific and the advice is truly sage.  Whoring out this mans sample letter just hit me the wrong way.

(in reply to MIsabelah)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/25/2010 12:33:07 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

It leaves out most of the sexual part


Oh yeah, that works every time when you are trying to win someone over, not talking about what it really is you want. That's about as good as teaching somebody to drive by not giving them car keys. Best of luck with that (if you are looking for the professional description, it is called manipulation, or cheating).

(in reply to MrKicia)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/25/2010 12:36:51 AM   
MIsabelah


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline 		MrKicia I believe your opinion is important but very subjective. I read the letter and took it for exactly as it was written...a sample letter to give ideas to men who may not know how to express themselves openly with their love one. But there is bound to be some man who simply copies and paste the letter and suggest to his partner it is his own. But guess what? When his partner goes, "Oh my..." and begins to mold him into the very sub/slave written- he will begin to gripe and become uncomfortable because his experience is not his own. But it will be too late- pity for him and all the better for Her. ;)

< Message edited by MIsabelah -- 10/25/2010 12:38:58 AM >

(in reply to MrKicia)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/25/2010 4:36:02 AM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIsabelah

MrKicia I believe your opinion is important but very subjective. I read the letter and took it for exactly as it was written...a sample letter to give ideas to men who may not know how to express themselves openly with their love one. But there is bound to be some man who simply copies and paste the letter and suggest to his partner it is his own. But guess what? When his partner goes, "Oh my..." and begins to mold him into the very sub/slave written- he will begin to gripe and become uncomfortable because his experience is not his own. But it will be too late- pity for him and all the better for Her. ;)


Arent all opinions subjective? ;)

(in reply to MIsabelah)
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RE: Looking for a way to approach your wife? - 10/25/2010 4:43:09 AM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

It leaves out most of the sexual part


Oh yeah, that works every time when you are trying to win someone over, not talking about what it really is you want. That's about as good as teaching somebody to drive by not giving them car keys. Best of luck with that (if you are looking for the professional description, it is called manipulation, or cheating).



Well i guess youre going to see it the way you want to see it.  Thats fine.  But thanks for the opinion.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 13
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