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RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 4:52:14 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 I am more than a sex object.


This is why I always found M/s to be a more stable way to do D/s. Sm relationships were always so unstable for me. And not just for me-I saw the rest of the community constantly cycling through partners. Relationships that lasted for more than two years were considered astoundingly long. Most were lucky to go 6 months to a year-tops.

Sooner or later the hedonisic thrill gets burned down to a stub-people get bored with each other-or finally begin to see past the fetishes they got involved for-and decided they really didn't like the PERSON that was fullfilling them.

I'm not saying that D/s doesn't have the same issues-but there are more tools to either adapt, or more important,-get a better initial assement of possibilities. A master will generally have a "job description" he wants to fill. And applicants will be interviewed to see if they actually MATCH the qualifications.

So it's actually more like a business arrangement. That may seem cold to folks who thrive on hot passion and thrills-But it's a main difference between a short term instant gratification viewpoint-and a longer term one.

Master dislike "temps". You put a lot of time and energy into them,and poof-they evaporate.Waste of time.

And it doesn't help with the emotional wear and tear either.

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 4:54:25 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
To us the Master/Mistress and slave is a way of life and BDSM is just a perk on occasion.

For me, the Ms is a way of relationships and living, but the bdsm is also WAY more than just a perk.

To me that would be like saying that spending time with my nephews is just a perk of having a family.  Or that going to the movies is just a perk of living in the US.

They are things that I LOVE, that I WALLOW in, that I EMBRACE and feed on and get immense pleasure from.

The life stuff has to happen, and sometimes there's no greater intimacy than just sitting down together and doing bills.  But bdsm is WAY more than just an occasional perk for me.
 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 5:04:26 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline 		I am in search of the total package and that includes (but is not limited to) dominance in all areas, not just in the bedroom or when my girl is in bondage. I think I have found the right girl, one who can give me everything that I want and need.

Bob

< Message edited by DesertRat -- 4/26/2006 5:05:03 PM >

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

(in reply to Reasonable)
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RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 5:12:33 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Non-sexual domination is important to me.  I like to "feel" that power exchange in different areas of my life.  And I need to have it in some non-sexual areas of my life, I like to function within a pre-set standard (rules!).  For me it offers security and knowledge that he cares enough about me to "power exchange" beyond the bedroom.  Like anything else in the lifestyle, it's not for everyone, but I can't imagine a D/s or M/s relationship without it, otherwise it's just "topping" (not that there's anything wrong with topping).

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to DesertRat)
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RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 5:35:36 PM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Sooner or later the hedonisic thrill gets burned down to a stub-people get bored with each other-or finally begin to see past the fetishes they got involved for-and decided they really didn't like the PERSON that was fullfilling them.


See, when I found my partner, I wasn't looking for someone who had the same kinks as me, nor a lifetime D/s partner. I just happened to find someone I liked being with on a romantic, personal, and emotional level. That's why relationships last. If all you're looking for is a play partner, great. Then, you're right, it may not last as long. However, it could just as easily be short-lived if you're in a D/s relationship and all you struck out to find was a person who is submissive and can do some service oriented tasks with some sense of skill.

The way to make the relationship last is to connect with the other person(s) on multiple levels-not just D/s or BDSM, but hobbies, loves, hates, views, interests, and etc.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 6:26:55 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		yes.

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 8:55:18 PM   
mathiasdomm


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		Most of the time, the non-sexual aspects of my relationships have been the most satisfying parts. There's something about that worshipping look in someone's eyes that makes you feel like you've got a great life.  Great sex is great on its own, but you can be having some great sex and not be happy with the whole picture.  But if you're dominating the mental and emotional life of your partner, if you're the central figure in her universe and your pleasure is her pleasure-- that's a great life.  Great sex is frequently part of a great life, but it's not post hoc ergo propter hoc.

-m 

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 10:31:31 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Master dominates all of me.  Mental, emotional, physical, intellectual.  Sex is part of it, but not the reason.  Sex is where he sometimes finds me most vulnerable; where I can expose myself and splay myself open to him, both physically and figuratively. 

However, Ladyhugs posed the question, "if your dominant is physically unable to perform sexually--will you be willing to serve them? Or, would you abandon that relationship as to get sexual gratification and a “whole” functional dominant?"

For me personally, such a question baffles me.  I serve the man, the Master.  If he could not walk, would that make him not "whole?"  If he could not see?  Or hear?  So, if he could not perform sexually, how does that deviate from his mind, and his heart, and the absolute power he has over me? 

I guess it goes back to depending what someone wants in a relationship.

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/26/2006 10:33:44 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Exactly Mathias-it's the energy loop that makes it special.

(in reply to mathiasdomm)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 12:58:49 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		No offense intended, not really responding to anyone in particular...but have encountered this subject from time to time on the internet (not so much in RL wihch is interesting).....but anyways... I really wonder why people have to state sex is a small part of their relationship..its almost as though people feel like they are being superficial if they out and out say....hey sex is fucking fantastic and is a totally awesome part of a relationship...a lot of the times I see people try and put it in a small box and hide it under the bed or something cuz their relationship is much much more than that.....and of course it is....yet at the same time the D/s charge within sexual interactions is sooo amazing...well it is for me...like I said in my previous post...if I wanted to purely submit..there are heaps of ways to do that oustide of bdsm Master/slave relationships..... sex is what makes me a slave within the bdsm Master/slave mindset....and I make no excuses for it.

I dont get what Doms would get outa dominating someone without sexual interaction involved..heck they could just become a manager at some job...knock yourself out *grin*. Coming from this ignorant perspective...all I can see of a Dominant who wants to Dominate without sexual interaction is a bossy, lazy person who cannot get a sense of power in their everyday life. (totally ignorant perspective..but I just cant relate to this non-sexual domination stuff).

Like I see time and time again people saying their slavery is about *service* thats all they care about, if that was true they could go volunteer in a dog shelter and be totally fulfilled for the rest of their life, or just go find a domineering vanilla person and serve all their needs...but no.... they seek out a Master/Mistress within bdsm...if they wanted a real Master..their are tons all over the world outside the bdsm community..but no still..they seek one from within this culture....same goes for Dominants within bdsm...if they just wanted to dominate..they could find a submissive anywhere..in their social circle of friends...in their jobs..in a vanilla relationship....i just dont get this whole *its not about sex thingy, its not about the kink thingy*  that goes on.

I suppose Im starting a new topic...but they are the thoughts that arose with this topic...ugh


< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/27/2006 1:18:06 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 1:53:49 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Like I see time and time again people saying their slavery is about *service* thats all they care about, if that was true they could go volunteer in a dog shelter


Ah, but jali, let me quote from the last time I read this..

Yes, that's service without sex, but it's also service without power and that doesn't feed the beast.

I don't consider sex as service because I like it too damn much but until I met Himself, sex was not a part of the equation no matter which side of the crop I was on.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 2:49:27 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		ok..service at a dog shelter with power added = a really meanie boss telling you to clean up all the dogshit all the time..and he has power..cuz...well you respect this man...you care what he thinks..you care that he thinks your doing a really good job..heck...you care so much you want to do such a good job so he will never ask anyone else to volunteer in yr place.

Seriously though, I guess I can see domination without sex within a bdsm sense from a pure sadist, enjoying inflicting the sensations purely for that...but see even in that scenario...that would make me totally hot and freak me out at the same time cuz I would want him to fuck me so bad and him not being interested would make me insane....ok I guess that still means I dont get the no sex part... 

Many mooons ago, when i did the club scene....i got talked into cropping/ flogging etc a man or two..it just seemed really dumb to me.. I totally couldnt understand why those men wanted me to do that when there was no possibility of sex...like even in that respect...it just didnt make sense to me...and come to think about it...those men got hot...so it was about sex even though they didnt get any...so...back to the drawing board.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 3:32:26 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Ok jali I can accept that this is right for you, however you may be need to remember that for some ie Goreans for example sex is not the be all and end all the ownership is what matters if we deecide to own a slave at all..... 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 5:21:57 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I dont think sex is the be all and end all either...

I love feeling owned, I can hear what you're saying...but I guess my confusion lays in the fact I have felt *owned*  and felt "dominated" outside a bdsm relationship...I"ve submitted to a Master outside of bdsm...perhaps my experiences are rare and thats the main reason I see things differently and why I seem to be talking contrarily to most people here on this subject...the main reason I see for involvement in bdsm is hugely sexual for me..cuz its within a bdsm Master/slave relationship that there is sex involved and when I have been involved with Masters outside of bdsm there was no sex......and I actually see my relationship with Master as more *whole* cuz all of me is being *owned* and *used* . Every part of me is committed and giving and active. Like for example....if Master wasnt my bdsm Master...
He would still be my Master as He is my Master of martial arts but i wouldnt be having sex with him or all the fun stuff that goes along with a bdsm master/slave relationship..yet I would still be committed to him and I would still feel owned by him cuz I am a very devoted choboja. If he, as my martial arts Master asked me to clean his house, I would. If he asked me to go shoppng for him, I would. If he asked me to stand on my head I would, I would always be looking of ways to please him...He would own me.
The sexual and play aspects make me his bdsm slave. Anyways, I dont think I explained that very well...but...I'd like to say...that I'm not downgrading our amazing Master/slave relationship by saying sex is why it is there and as it is...I'm just saying..that its the *differing* factor from a  relationship I could have of service to Masters the world over, who would be more than happy to claim me as their own...and they would dominate and own me entirely.

On a side note..my first Master used to always call me his *sex toy* and that used to freak me out...although I did submit to even that as his slave....but just saying... I can really hear what people are saying about the whole sex object thing....yet still... sex is a huge huge part of my attraction to a bdsm Master/slave relationship....and I really dont get what anyone would get out of being involved in bdsm and dominating with no sex involved....maybe it really is just due to lack of exposure to other areas in life that give exactly the same feeling(pondering that).

P.S.  Be aware of tangents slavejali hehe...rant rant rant..apologies to everyone reading my dribble...i now have a mantra "its ok not to understand, its ok not to understand" grin

< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/27/2006 5:35:33 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 5:49:57 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Lass you are a darling so rant all you want. I enjoy reading what you write anyway.... 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 6:03:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
P.S.  Be aware of tangents slavejali hehe...rant rant rant..apologies to everyone reading my dribble...i now have a mantra "its ok not to understand, its ok not to understand" grin

For me, I'm control and service oriented.  For me that means that I really do find a sense of peace and fulfillment in service itself, even to strangers.  Now, a lot of nice non-slave people find peace and fulfillment through service, including masters, so that doesn't say much right there.

But it's at least a spark for me that helps me see how a relationship could work long term without the sexual or even kink aspects as part of them.  In my relationships in NJ there pretty much was no sex or kink due to the master being ill.  The reason the relationship ended had nothing to do with not having those aspects. 

That being said, I agree- in topics about kinks, everyone's all about the kinky play "Oh I LOOOVE subspace, I LOOOVE being played with, I LOOOVE this type of sex together."

Then you get this thread and those same people go "Well yeah, it's there, but it's the service that REALLY matters, the sex is just kinda extra."

And you know, whether it really is extra or not is one thing, but to me that shows a double standard. 

I love sex, I love service, I love kink, I love it ALL- it's all an integral part of my life.  I can understand why people don't do it, and I can understand why people never do it- but I, too, dislike the downplay as if sex and bdsm is somehow less pure or intimate than other aspects of life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 7:52:30 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		I think what I am finding the most difficult about this thread is people who don't  understand that priorities differ.

The world would be pretty boring if we all thought the same.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 9:25:40 AM   
mathiasdomm


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe Jali's questions arise because of the way relationships develop.  In my limited experience, You show up at a munch or at a website because you're interested in the sexual aspects of the lifestyle (my apologies to Ironbear and other Goreans.  I really don't know anything about your way and can't take it into account here).  Typically what we find first are play partners.  Eventually we look for more, people to integrate into our homes and it becomes more about the lifestyle than the play.  It's a sex first sort of development.  Maybe (and I say maybe here because I'm still in my twenties.  Randy is sort of a perpetual state of being) the play becomes one of those areas you settle in.  It becomes secondary.  You say  "I'll take someone with whom I'm not so physically compatible but who does a great job filling other needs".  Mediocre sex doesn't prohibit what I earlier called 'a great life".  It's just a short step from there to domination that's completely removed from sex, but thank God, I don't think most people ever take that step. So in most relationships, it's safe to assume that sex is part of the initial base.  It's something assumed and expected out of the relationship on every other level of development. 

But imagine now that it didn't start that way.  Imagine that someone went into a relationship expecting to serve without expecting to play.  You can grow in the same way, towards 24/7 total integration, but it could happen and never be physical.  So it'd be odd, but not out of the question.

It could be a matter of simply knowing the difference between what drives you and what fulfills you.  I'm driven by sex but fulfilled by control.  I wake up thinking about sex but go to bed happy because I'm worshipped.  Maybe someone like Jali is the other way around, or maybe their submission is so closely linked with sex that there's no separation.          

That's a lot of rambling, and none of it approaches the quality or cleverness of Jali's.  Hopefully it's food for thought. 

-m

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 9:40:19 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		The issue here is one of assigning priorities.

If you hire a butler to do service-fucking the butler is not your first priority-is it?

Maybe, later on, you will end up having sex with the butler-but that's a lower priority. And if you hire the butler for the qualifications of fucking-the service you get may not be up to par.

I know this is a crude analogy-but it's what I see as the main difference. It has nothing to do with whether one priority is *excluded* over another.

Let's further posit that the butler has three main service skills.

Cleaning,cooking ,or serving drinks at parties.

Cooking is probably going to have to be a first priority-you have to eat.

Then cleaning,to maintain a healthy enviornment.

But you only have parties on weekends.

So does a practical assignment of day to day priorities mean that one dismisses the others as invalid?

I'd hardly say so.

< Message edited by Reasonable -- 4/27/2006 9:42:11 AM >

(in reply to mathiasdomm)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Non-sexual domination. - 4/27/2006 12:32:55 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Domination is as much about the mind being dominated as the body. Non-sexual domination is normal, at least in my case, I have been on both sides of that coin and I can relax into both or either. Sexis not the center of my world or my relationships, it may be part of them, not its the focus.  

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 40
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