RE: Communication (Full Version)

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allthatjaz -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 1:45:09 AM)

I don't think I have ever had communication with a partner until I met Steve.
I was married for many years to a man I barely knew but back then it felt normal.
Good communication was the vital building block in our relationship.



porcelaine -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 6:19:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll

I feel commuication is extremely important in any relationship but particularly in this lifestyle.  It is dfficult for me to understand why some do not think it is crucial to the relationship.  Please tell me how important you think communcation is to this lifestyle.  Also if the commuication is lacking at the beginning of the relationship, will it ever get in any better if the relationship gets serious?  I am just curious and wondering where this might lead.


Greetings dfwdallasdoll,

It is my belief that communication or its omission is rarely the culprit, but how an individual elects to articulate themselves that's of greater importance. There's a reason why many have turned to The Five Love Languages as a valuable resource in communication dynamics. When we're unaware of our method of communication and oblivious to the other person's it's inevitable that disconnections will take place. Some people are verbally oriented and others prefer to convey themselves through deeds or other methods of illustration. I'm not suggesting one is better than the other. What's most important is each participant's willingness to bridge the gap and express themselves with honest authenticity.

As for your question, yes, improvements are possible when the two work hand in hand. To suggest that a challenging area can never be surmounted is pretty negative and it's rare that two people enter a situation with identical skills. Therefore, you're always confronting an issue where one person is more adept than the other. It isn't the differences between the two that are often the undoing, but their inability to circumvent the obstacle or scale it if you will. In short, communication much like other barriers is only as great as the individual's permit it to become. There are a myriad of ways to speak to your partner. Patience, ingenuity, and commitment are usually the motivators for unearthing valid solutions that prove successful in the long run.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



NuevaVida -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 6:24:16 AM)

As others have stated, two way communication is important in all relationships.  However, as someone who follows the authoritarian in this relationship, it is important to me to know his expectations of me, and what direction he wants to take us.  I am fortunate in this relationship in that he found communication to be critically important, too, and had no problem answering whatever questions I asked, and even repeating himself when necessary. It made me feel emotionally safe, and only when I felt emotionally safe could we move forward.

The thing about communication is, while many people feel it is important, those same people may also lack the skills to communicate effectively.  Maybe you are "asking too many questions," as RedMagic1 suggested.  But rather than just tell you "You're asking too many questions," a more effective way for your dominant to communicate might be in telling you why he thinks that is the case - so you can understand his thinking.  How better to serve a leader than to understand how he/she thinks?

And telling someone "You need to communicate more" doesn't tell them how they can best get through to you.  Rather than just put that out there to fall, I'd suggest explaining how you feel when communication is lacking.  Paint a clear picture of your thoughts and feelings, and why answers to your questions are important to you.  Otherwise, you're not communicating much clearer than he is.

Until people understand how best to communicate, communication won't improve.  I know personally speaking, I don't want to have to teach my leader basic communication skills.  Maybe I'm just too impatient about life - but it's not something I'd be interested in investing in.  It was important to me from the beginning that we have similar communication styles.  Being open to improving communication is one thing; starting from scratch?  Not for me.



sexyred1 -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 9:36:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I believe we are saying something beyond the seeming advantages of straight forward communication. What we are actually looking for is someone who understands what we mean and gets the humor, nuance, sadness, passion or anger in our words and expressions.

Different people can answer your same question with the same words, but if you are only joined with one emotionally, that will be the one you feel understood what you said.

I believe I communicate pretty well, but I don’t ramble on with answers. I simply validate what the person is saying and whether it is right or wrong. In other words, she believes or more accurately FEELS I understand her sentiments even if I don’t agree. If she knows I care about her, she is not going to be upset that I don’t concede her point.

So what most actually want, in regards to communications and most other aspects, is someone who GETS them, not one who simply answers everything quickly and accurately.



Great post.



crazyml -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 11:44:20 AM)

Crikey! I'd no idea this communication thingie was so complex!

I was taught a long time ago that the good communicators take responsibility for ensuring that the message they want to convey is properly understood, and that Jedi communicators take responsibility for ensuring that they have properly understood the message that they've received.




quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll

The Dom is lacking communication skills and that is probably just him.  That is why I was wondering if I should continue with him or find one that I can communicate with.  This lack of communicating is driving me "nuts" so to speak and I get frustrated.  I have told him .. please communicate with me and it just stays the same. 


So in the spirit of the above, if you're sure you've effectively communicated your need for some reassurance, clarity, then it's him... if you're not sure you've effectively communicated your needs then you need to have another go.

If you still cant "get through" then it could well be that you're simply not compatible.

quote:



When I ask a question, he states I ask too many questions.  I probably do, but that is for sure a way to find out about something that is important to me or an issue with me.


If you put yourself in his shoes, can you imagine yourself thinking "sheesh... I do ask too many questions"? If so, then maybe you need to try another tack - what is it you need clarity on, how else could you get that clarity?

quote:



  It is all a learning experience, even if someone thinks they know it all.  We can all learn something "new" everyday if our mind is open to receive that information, facts, or details.  Each one of us is a different individual and have different thoughts and habits.


Sure, of course.

What I'm saying though is that you should just check and make sure you're communicating as effectively as possible first...



agirl -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 12:10:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll

This lack of communicating is driving me "nuts" so to speak and I get frustrated.  I have told him .. please communicate with me and it just stays the same. 


Have you told him how you best receive information?

Saying *Please communicate with me* isn't a great deal of help to anyone if they have no idea what you're after.

I *communicate* to M and he to me, and we STILL have times, after 10 yrs, when neither of us can *hear* what is being relayed. It's rarely *just him* and it's rarely *just me*.

It's hard to tell anything much from your posts to be honest , apart from the fact that you think he lacks communication skills and you're not happy about it and he doesn't seem too happy with yours.

It helps if you can both understand each other at the start but it takes time to learn someone elses *language* sometimes......how much effort you put in to do that will depend on how important it is to you.

agirl











Gage46Bstn -> RE: Communication (10/25/2010 11:13:44 PM)

Communication and the exchange of vital information is an absolute both for safety reasons, enjoyment and compatibility. If it works and we see each other regularly he will ask for permission to talk.

Master Greg



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