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SthrnCom4t -> RE: Marriage (11/7/2010 10:04:02 AM)
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I've read some of this thread, but admittedly, not each post of the current 5 pages.
I believe it all comes down to compatibility and what each person is seeking.
Obviously, if you are looking for a full-on, time intensive connection, where you want the majority of your partner's energy focused on you (because likely, that's what you also have to offer) getting involved with someone who would have to split his/her attention wouldn't be very realistic.
If you have a primary relationship that doesn't completely meet your needs, communicating with said primary partner, and acting with honesty and integrity around finding someone who can meet those needs, in my book, is a perfectly legit option.
Outside people don't break up relationships...only those people in the relationship can do that, or allow that to happen. Many people, if they are getting their all of their needs met, don't have any reason to seek connection time with other people. Some people are secure enough in their primary relationship and get enough value out of that connection, that they can seek additional relationships, which actually enhance their primary relationship. Other people are not secure enough in their primary relationship to have it put under the microscope, which connecting with other people essentially does.
Often times, its the mis-match....one partner completely ok with the needs being met, while the other person is not. For a relationship to be successful, all parties have to be fulfilled. Most people are not stagnant....they evolve. Their needs, desires, wants, etc change over time. Whether its a new car, a house, or a human being, time changes us....just a fact.
When I met Otter I wasn't looking for another husband. He wasn't looking to end his marriage. But over the course of several months, it became apparent that the attributes of what defined primary relationship evolved. Not just for him, not just for me, not just for his ex wife....but all parties involved. There was a lot of communication, a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of self-analyzation.
I have no guilt over the evolution and eventual outcome of their relationship. They both had unmet needs and after meeting other partners, they had a vantage point where they could be honest with themselves around that fact.
We all create a 'box of rules' or draw a set of boundaries, which we feel like we have to act within. If you can communicate with your primary, and they are evolved enough to consider the discussion, many options become possible.
Married vs single - not as important as recognizing one's own needs for time, attention, and connection and proceeding accordingly.
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