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CaringandReal -> RE: How to Cope and be Patient... (11/6/2010 7:04:07 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn
What can I do to help keep myself patient and hanging in there until this difficult time passes and we can return to the delicious dominance and submission I've come to crave? Please don't misunderstand.
The following is very basic advice. But it works for me, so it might work for you in this situation. When I feel particularly bad about a situation I am in, something that helps me is to realize that it could be worse. Much worse. And that other less fortunate people are undoubtedly experiencing it. (Given the sheer numbers of humans alive the chances of what I realistically imagine not happening to someone else is statistically low, I think.) Here are a few examples of "it could be worse," relevant, I hope, to your situation.
Let's start with something small. You mentioned something earlier about having to ask to masturbate. That's not so uncommon, the control of sexual desire and/or its slacking standard in control relationships because it gives the dominant a great deal of leverage over the person he controls. But imagine what it would be like if your master were exercising this control on a much more intense basis. There are lots of variations, but for instance, imagine that, like Ranja, you can masturbate any time you want but you are never allowed to climax without permission. Now imagine that you are required to masturbate at regular intervals (once a week? twice maybe? hell, you are young: three times a week! :p) but when you ask permission to come, whether it is before you masturbate in anticipation or afterwards, when need is rising from your pores like steam, it is denied, 4 times out of 5 or even more. Instead, you still must masturbate, but stop right at the edge--as close as you can get without toppling over. And it's a matter of...commitment for you that you do not disobey. When it comes to hormones, women are built very differently than men. I think it's common when you're a submissive woman and really devoted to someone to shut down your sexuality when s/he is not around. But if you are forced to keep that sexuality wide open, and your needs continuously excited but not satisfied, your craving for your master grows tenfold, because you've just thrown int the very powerful element of unrequited sexual need. Your other feelings for him: missing his company, wishing you could be of service, all the rest, also grow more intense because your physical needs color your emotional outlook. On the bright side, when forced excitement and denial of release become routine, things remain perpetually "interesting," particularly if you enjoy a good challenge. Never a dull moment! ;) So... be very thankful that you're not under a regime that forces you to crave something intensely which you are seldom allowed. It's a lot more "peaceful" the way you guys are doing things.
Now let's look at your overall situation. One year you say? Let's double that--make it two. Two years... still not living with your master. It could easily be more, but I want to paint something for you that's at least a little realistic. ;) You mention having met him, not many times but it was intense and right when you did. Imagine now, that it's been this two years and you still haven't yet met him BUT your feelings for him, your certainty about him are similar to what you described, and well-founded--perhaps due to extensive experience with these kinds of relationships. The reasons for being apart are the same, only the shit's been hitting the fan for him for several years now, not just several months.
This is not an uncommon situation in this economy. Many of us are struggling, stretched very thin, dealing with crisis after crisis. It's simplistic to think that lack of money is the only problem people face in a recession. There are all sorts of very powerful ancillary social/emotional effects: you're forced to stay in a job, perhaps, that is a living hell on earth or live in a climate that wrecking havoc with your health because there just isn't a way to move to another job that will keep you afloat in a depressed economy. You have to take in family or friends who've had worse luck than you and have nowhere else to turn and the overcrowding these unexepcted residents cause creates a lot of stress. Etc. There's a domino "misery" effect when the economy is bad.
So anyway, you both want to meet, badly, but you haven't been able to. It's much harder, in this situation, not to lose hope, to preservere. You've been his submissive for so long, you feel you deserve something for all your suffering and hard work. You deserve to meet him, if only for a day! But that decision is not up to you. It's his to make. You may have seen plenty of opportunities where he could have met you but didn't. You may wonder about this. You might even speculate this is due to your not being "good enough" for him or that he is "bored" with you, rather than other circumstances getting in the way. You see him living his life, day after day, without you, without your abilities to serve and comfort him, and time is passing, and it feels so wrong, so perverse. You're a part of him now, you've passed the point of no return, and you belong with him, the way his right hand belongs with him, and not halfway across the country. Yes this sort of intense and _real_ bond can happen in relationships where two people have not yet met, particularly in control relationships. Imagination is a an amazing quality in humans. Imagining what one has not experienced is what makes all belief systems work for the huge numbers of people they attract, and on a smaller (?) scale, it's what makes all sales work. Imagination can be more or less realistic, more or less informed, based on the experience and (to a lesser degree) the imaginative abilities of an individual. Sometimes it is frightfully acurrate. But, when it comes to human relationships, no matter how certain you are, no matter how closely this person meets your experience of what a master is, you may still experience doubts. "It' not real after all, it's only an online relationship, there may not be any physical chemistry, we won't know for sure until we can see and smell each other, what if he takes an instant dislike to my physical presence?" All this and much more can spin through your head, undermining the purest of intents to wait it out, creating an emotional rollercoaster of doubt within youself. It's really nice when that question of "What happens when we meet in person?" has already been answered for you.
To make the ride rougher, imagine that he's poly and not just devoted to you, but has other women or intends to have others. It's easy to brush this possibility aside with the thought, "Oh, I'd never get involved with someone poly"--except maybe you would, if he had what you needed, and you'd been looking for years to find someone even remotely like him without avail. And he's everything you know you need, everything you dream about at night and have tried for years to find, except for the fact that he screws other women and sometimes forms emotional bonds with them. Would you give him up for that one chord of dissonance?
Based on the threads I've read here, a lot of submissives would answer this with a resounding YES! I'm sure they have their reasons. We all do. But also based on the threads I've read here, very few who would answer with a resounding YES! have found themselves in anything close to the situation I am describing. So while their imaginations are working well--perhaps overtime in fact--in regards to this matter, their experience is a lagging rather a bit behind. Luckily, this complication that doesn't seem to be an issue with you. But it could have been. Lots of submissives seem to face it.
One reason I've brought up poly rather than something else bad (he could be crippled, he could be blind, he could be both, etc.) is because this aspect of an individual's life would likely make the situation you describe (living apart and craving him and finding it hard because you miss him) a lot more complicated and prone to undermining. You would think about the other women he is involved with, or beginning to get involved with, and wonder how their impact (particularly if they were there where he is, relating to him in real life) will affect your relationship with him. An in creep the insecurities, under your warm blanket of security to curl themselves around you ankles and make your feet frigidly cold. As months go by and you do not mee or see him, or he postpones your living together, you might wonder if it's because of someone else, or even doubt him when he says it's not because of someone else. It's actually really nice to be in a simple, clear one-on-one long-distance situation (he likes you/you like him, and that's it) where it is much less likely that powerful seeds of doubt will take root. Not everyone has this luxury. Some of us are constantly hoeing our gardens, so to speak.
We could quickly reach the point of absudity with neverending scenarios of "it could be worse," but I've been trying to suggest ones that might be relevant to your situation, "might have beens" that are a lot closer to your reality than most alternative dimmsions. I offer thinking about how "it could be worse" as my primary suggestion because it helps me more than almost anything else when I face difficult situations in which patience and standing steady are required. For it to work, though, I have to think of things are close to my actual situation, things that might have actually happened, had I been slightly less lucky.
I have another suggestion that might, if experimented with, ease the waiting.
Many dominants err on the side of caution with long-distance relationships and don't give their submissives a lot of ambitious standing orders. For the most part this is a wise thing to do, because the more rigidly you tie someone down who is at a distance from you and therefore cannot be as closely monitored as they could be in real life, the more opportunities you introduce for failure or the more likely it becomes that random things will go wrong and be ascribed, by both you and her, to your "poor judgement." However, there are situations (and yours strikes me as one of them) where the "idle hands and the devil" principle is coming a bit into play, and in these situations, more assignments, more daily requirements and routines, more orders, not less, are better, even in the risk-prone LDR environment.
If I were you I would beg him for more tasks to do. You'll have to discuss this a bit. It won't work if most of these things are not relevant to improving your life now or paving the way for your future life. If it's just empty busywork, it's no good: it will be meaningless. But if you are engaged in a number of things you've been expressly ordered to do and that are clearly improving something or working toward some goal that will help you or both of you in the future, then such activities will make those "chiding the world-without-end hour" moments fewer and far easier to bear. They could involve anything that is of interest to you and your master from generating additonal income streams to working on an aspect your physical appearance or an emotional difficulty that troubles you to learning a skill that will help him further his goals his goals to increasing the physical tone of your sexual core's plesaurable gripping musculature (aka kegels).
Somewhat arbitrary and perverse orders that are appropriate for your situation (for a single person living alone, an example might to be strip as soon as you enter your home or apartment) can also be fun or at very least interesting in the "I hate/love doing this! Why is he making me do this?" sense. My fomer owner once, in our LDR phase, made me stand on tiptoes every time he called me. It's just a slight movement and even if you're in public most people are so involved with their own lives that they do not notice it, or, if they notice it, certainly don't have any clue about its origins, but it made me very self-aware and embarassed. It also made me have to beg him, when it got uncomfortable, for permission to stand normally. Arbitrary orders, in particular, need a lot of forethought: they have to be carefully tailored to each individual's situation so that you do not accidentally injure them, phsyically or emotionally. It's not hard when you know somebody well to do this, but starting out a new relationship with these types of orders is the sign of a rank (and possibly dangerous) amateur.
Be wary Fulfilling tasks without close monitoring is a mixed blessing. These activities bring up all kinds of opportunities for you to disobey, "near occasions of sin," you could call them. While one well-known religion insists you plead for intervention to avoid such occasions, I believe a training situation is quite a different matter. Opportunities to disobey (a) make you stronger if you are able to resist them particularly in a low-discipline LDR environment and (b) make you wiser if you don't resist, but are still sincere, because they teach you where your personal weaknesses and vulnerabilities are--where you need to get, perhaps not stronger, but craftier in order to work around them. Sure, you will feel like shit in the moment, when you realize you've disobeyed and also later when you have to tell a certain someone that you screwed up again, but their long term fruits (self-knowledge and increasing self-discipline) are invaluable.
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