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AAkasha -> RE: Revisiting The Easy Answer (11/8/2010 11:01:41 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
quote:
ORIGINAL: slavekal
If I knew a guy who wanted no strings sex with no talking afterwards, then I would recommend he hire a pro. That is not what most of these guys are asking for. They don't need to be told to see a pro. I'm pretty sure they are aware of that option.
Honestly, I think that *is* what many are asking for. Not all by any means, but many. When I hear in someone's post that he wants to make a personal connection, get to know the person he submits to, and that he treats femdoms like human beings when he talks to them, of course I'll suggest he meet people at a Munch. Unfortunately there are also a lot of posts from guys that make it very clear that a domme is a thing for him to use to get off, not a human being he can get to know and talk to. He does not want to invite a domme into his real life. He would never consider just hanging out with her and laughing over nothing in particular, spending time doing vanilla stuff they both love, or being friends with a domme. They're not real people, after all. They're dommes! Dommes are different, you can't treat them like human beings or anything. You certainly can't introduce them to your friends or family. She has to stay dressed in a latex catsuit in her dungeon and he visits only when he's horny.
Yeah, this guy needs to see a pro; that's clearly what he wants, only he might not want to pay money for it. But tough titty, he's not getting any otherwise. I don't know any dominant women who enjoy catering to men who don't give a shit who they are, what they want or how they feel, at least not outside a fetish context.
I completely agree here - but I think there's another element factoring into the disconnect.
The problem is that what many submissive men idealize/want is a caricature of female dominance because that is simply all he knows There are absolutely NO portrayals of sexually/emotionally healthy dominant/sadistic women or realistic dominant women in any kind of porn that caters to the male market. While a man might have relatively innocent fantasies of being "dominated" in his youth, as soon as he gets his hands on porn and starts reinforcing those fantasies, his ideals of what a dominant woman wants are shaped around this. The femdom that is portrayed in most (all?) male-created porn/adult fantasy has little or nothing to do with what femdoms are like in real life.
What a lot of sub men seek is a woman who DOES dominate indiscriminately, who does want him just because he's been snared or lured into her trap, and does act totally mercilessly and outwardly sexual in her dominance from the word go. This woman has no interest in dating or getting to know him, she just has an insatiable desire to make him into her slave. This is what he goes out looking for - and it simply does not exist. He may go to a munch or go online and post personals, but when a woman doesn't just see him and come after him with a fury (almost instantly) he gets angry.
When I hear of a man who wants to meet a femdom for a relationship, I recommend that in addition to whatever else he is doing (personals, munches), he should continue to date vanilla - and do so aggressively. I think sitting in a cave for years waiting for Ms. Femdom Right just reinforces those unrealistic femdom fantasies and allows his dating skills (and interpersonal relationship skills, and "woman skills," and kissing skills, and laughter skills, and let's-just-take-a-walk and hang out skills) to get rusty. Since a femdom is, after all, a woman, a man needs to be sharp in his skills to talk to and relate to women as people first.
Akasha
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