How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s

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How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 10:13:39 AM

mistressrose10

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

I have ben percieved as scary.In fact I've had several aborted meetings with prospective subs who just disappeared and my latest confessed just before fleeing that he was scared!What the #$@!! I am not a sadist except for a penchant for a good hard spanking if merited or hair pulling and face slapping and certainly verbal humiliation,I had one long term D/s relationship where my sub would sometimes shake when summoned and even took up a"secret" smoking habit to calm himself before meeting me.Another would jump like a scared rabbit if I raised my hand to smooth my hair while he was close to me.While I suppose a little bit of fear can enhance a relationship, I prefer to see trust,respect and certainly adoration.
How do you other women handle the fear syndrome?

Post #: 1

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 10:37:53 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I've heard someone say, "Fear is often the result of an overactive imagination." If someone is afraid of me (and it does happen on the rare occassion), they are not ready for what I have to offer (and they might never be). Fear tells me that we are not a match.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 2

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 10:42:44 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

If a sub was scared of me generally, they wouldn't be the right sub for me, I'm not into timid men. I can understand apprehension on a first meeting but not out and out fear.

I do enjoy good fear tho' which would be more anticipation in play etc. Then I like to tease and taunt and keep them on their toes not knowing whats coming but not terrified of anything harmful happening.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 3

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 10:53:19 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

I can't say that I've ever known of a sub being afraid of me. If they were, they probably never got to the meeting point anyway and I never even knew. Which is ok, because we probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.
Maybe you could tie some pink bows in your hair? lol
Seriously, of all the Dommes I've seen on here, I've seen some which I'd be MUCH more fearful of than you.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 4

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 11:07:30 AM

mistressrose10

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you Proprietrix and the other responses so far, I haven't been checking out the other Dommes but I'm sure there are much scarier ones on here than me! I must attract the nervous type,I guess.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 5

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 12:01:14 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Do you know what the childhood backgrounds of those men were?

The descriptions sound a lot like how abuse survivors react. It might not have anything to do with you at all but with their pasts.

Its something I always talk to potentials about but our brains can hide a lot from us to protect us and sometimes things just happen that trigger reactions.

When that happens, I stop what we are doing and try to bring us to an equality footing as swiftly as I can to check in.

The only other times that I've been told I'm scary is when it becomes clear that this is really who I am and that I'm not changing from one moment to the next, I'm not putting on the latex bustier and that, reality, is very scary for a lot of people. That's them though, its me.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 6

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 5:33:31 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

Your profile is fairly tame! It seems as though a loving, caring woman is seeking a submissive to be equally affectionate with. You state that you're seeking marriage and adoration - not a stable of painsluts. I can't imagine why the people you've been corresponding with would act so terribly jumpy - or why prior submissives/slaves responded in such a dramatic manner.

However I think that TammyJo has offered one very possible idea. Those who have suffered through abuse of varying forms carry with them a great deal of fear, whether they admit to it or not. Some people feel that since they're out of the situation the feelings are gone as well. But raise your voice or a hand and you need to pry them off the ceiling.

Perhaps a few of these types have responded to your offer of affection and commitment, but have yet to process their insecurities and fears well enough to ever feel truly safe in a relationship.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 7

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 5:56:32 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

It sounds like you're encountering newbies who can't deal with starting real time. It isn't you that scares them so much as their own desires and the fear of the unknown.

BTW, I'm told I'm scary all the time.. but that is by people who watch toy and me play in person. *grins*

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 8

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 6:01:27 PM

MistressLina

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/17/2006
From: Montreal
Status: offline

I think that it has more to do with their own character than anything else. They build up a fantasy in their mind of what you or the experience will be like, and then when it comes time for that to come true, fear sets in because they haven't been living in reality.
I've had it happen once, but I just screen people as best as I can, and tell them that we're not a match if something seems fishy at any point.

_____________________________

Mistress Lina...indulge in your fantasy...

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 9

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/27/2006 9:57:13 PM

ServiceNTucson

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

It sounds like you're encountering newbies who can't deal with starting real time. It isn't you that scares them so much as their own desires and the fear of the unknown.

BTW, I'm told I'm scary all the time.. but that is by people who watch toy and me play in person. *grins*

I guess there's more than one type of fear. Just like pain, I'd say there's good fear and bad fear.

Bad fear, I'd say, would be along the lines of, "Is this person a lunatic? Will I survive?"

Good fear is delightful, kind of an anticipation.

Ms Beach, back when you had several Yahoo Groups, I was on all of them. So, in a manner of speaking, although I've never met you in person, I HAVE seen you play in person. You're definitely scary in a way that is absolutely delightful to a masochist like me. If you and I were in the same state, at a club and you were to ask me if I wanted to play, I'd be quaking in my boots. I'd also have them danged boots off and be in whatever position you ordered in record time.

_____________________________

Harry

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

Groucho Marx

www.desertdominion.org

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 10

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/28/2006 6:17:23 AM

strob

Posts: 100
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistressrose10

I have ben percieved as scary.In fact I've had several aborted meetings with prospective subs who just disappeared and my latest confessed just before fleeing that he was scared!What the #$@!! I am not a sadist except for a penchant for a good hard spanking if merited or hair pulling and face slapping and certainly verbal humiliation,I had one long term D/s relationship where my sub would sometimes shake when summoned and even took up a"secret" smoking habit to calm himself before meeting me.Another would jump like a scared rabbit if I raised my hand to smooth my hair while he was close to me.While I suppose a little bit of fear can enhance a relationship, I prefer to see trust,respect and certainly adoration.
How do you other women handle the fear syndrome?

Actually, from my pont of view as a sub, a certain amount of fear is positive. Not that I'd be afraid first time I meet a lady but, in a prolonged period of time, I'd like to be able to experience certain amount of fear towards my domme...for me it would bring the expectation of unknown to a higher level.

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 11

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/28/2006 8:11:25 AM

ducky

Posts: 42
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline

for me, the fear was being punished. when i first started in this lifestyle i was not a pain slut. the thought of a hard paddling for not being a good subbie was a great motivator to do the very best i could.

(in reply to strob)

Post #: 12

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/28/2006 7:46:24 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ServiceNTucson
Ms Beach, back when you had several Yahoo Groups, I was on all of them. So, in a manner of speaking, although I've never met you in person, I HAVE seen you play in person. You're definitely scary in a way that is absolutely delightful to a masochist like me. If you and I were in the same state, at a club and you were to ask me if I wanted to play, I'd be quaking in my boots. I'd also have them danged boots off and be in whatever position you ordered in record time.

*grins* I'm actually looking for a caning/whipping/wooden paddling sub and am having trouble finding anyone to play with me. I guess my hubby, toy, screams just a bit too loud. *winks*

While I no longer have up the site and I don't let anyone join the yahoo groups anymore, there are some yahoo photo albums you can view. http://geocities.com/mys_beach/ links to all of them. While I no longer have my video clips posted, someone did a fan site of them on http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Beachmystressfans/

I also do a blog on MySpace and if you're a member of that site, feel free to join my blog readers http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.Confirmsubscribe&friendID=5719614
or my husband's blog readers
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ConfirmSubscribe&friendID=5147934

*grins* if ya ever come to the LA area of So Cal give me a holler. We can at least have coffee, even if I'm not bending you over.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to ServiceNTucson)

Post #: 13

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/28/2006 11:45:32 PM

ServiceNTucson

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

*grins* I'm actually looking for a caning/whipping/wooden paddling sub and am having trouble finding anyone to play with me. I guess my hubby, toy, screams just a bit too loud. *winks*

While I no longer have up the site and I don't let anyone join the yahoo groups anymore, there are some yahoo photo albums you can view. http://geocities.com/mys_beach/ links to all of them. While I no longer have my video clips posted, someone did a fan site of them on http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Beachmystressfans/

I also do a blog on MySpace and if you're a member of that site, feel free to join my blog readers http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.Confirmsubscribe&friendID=5719614
or my husband's blog readers
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ConfirmSubscribe&friendID=5147934

*grins* if ya ever come to the LA area of So Cal give me a holler. We can at least have coffee, even if I'm not bending you over.

Ms Beach,

I'm not a screamer, myself. I tend to be a stoic and stay kind of quiet until it really starts to hurt (you know, when it's really getting fun) Then, I'm a more of a growler. It's the nature of my voice, I don't do high notes.

It's really too bad that your videos are no longer online. I used to have them all on my hard drive before my computer crashed. In fact, I sent several of them to a new Domina I knew here in Tucson, as examples of CBT techniques.

Actually, I was already subscribed to your blog. I hope you don't mind that I just took the liberty of adding you to my myspace friends list.

If I ever come to the LA area, I'll certainly let you know, somehow. It probably won't be on collarme, since I STILL CAN'T SEND E-MAILS here.

If you ever plan a trip to Tucson, please let me know. Bring a membership card from a recognized BDSM club and it will be acknowledged by Desert Dominion. If you ever feel like coming and teaching a seminar on any of your favorite topics, I'll put you in contact with our Education Chair (and happily volunteer as a demo model.

_____________________________

Harry

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

Groucho Marx

www.desertdominion.org

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 14

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/29/2006 12:33:12 PM

mantis65

Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

fear turns me on in some twisted way ...woman that scare me enough and I still trust them make me melt inside

(in reply to ServiceNTucson)

Post #: 15

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 4/29/2006 1:27:31 PM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

Yum ;)

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to mantis65)

Post #: 16

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 6/7/2006 8:26:51 PM

cacodylic

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/6/2005
From: CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistressrose10
I haven't been checking out the other Dommes but I'm sure there are much scarier ones on here than me!

You are soooo right about that!

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 17

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 6/7/2006 8:30:15 PM

indybbwsubbie

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Fear of the belt is a healthy thing.......

Then there is the definate fear that i might disappoint Master......which has not happened....yet - but i have no doubt that it will.......for He has not discovered yet that i am not perfect!!! lol

indy subbie

"to chain the body is to free the soul"

(in reply to cacodylic)

Post #: 18

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 6/7/2006 8:50:56 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

<sigh> Pup used to say that he would close his eyes during my flogging him because the intensity in my eyes frightened him. Not a bad thing, but just enough to make it positively delicious. He was a little girl screamer too, I liked that <s>

_____________________________

(in reply to indybbwsubbie)

Post #: 19

RE: How does fear work for you in a bdsm relationship?/s - 6/7/2006 9:09:38 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistressrose10

I have ben percieved as scary...While I suppose a little bit of fear can enhance a relationship, I prefer to see trust,respect and certainly adoration.
How do you other women handle the fear syndrome?

I think a general sense of nervousness overall in meeting a Domme for the first time is a normal reaction. I hear it all the time, and I'm friendly and adorable. lol It's only my lucky sub and puppy who have personally learned why they *really* should be afraid of me, which I have found only enhances the trust, respect, and definitely the adoration. :)

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to mistressrose10)

Post #: 20

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