finding my way back (Full Version)

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lally2 -> finding my way back (11/8/2010 7:06:24 AM)

.... so we all grow and morph, what we wanted a year ago or a decade ago changes and then changes again, but this change has blindsided me a bit.

im having a problem relating to Ms - as a concept for me, though that is what i am, i dont fuction in Ds so well.

the problem is that i totally identify with all of this, with how we express ourselves to our opposites and how they understand that expression.  its where im the happiest and the free'est and i want it very much, and yet i dont.

ive been at this game so long i almost feel like i could write a book on every single approach and process it involves.  its become like a well worn floppy jumper, i see it all unfurl i cant get excited and i cant push myself to believe in it enough to really go for it.

burnt out?? - yes probably - recent health issues dont help

but the sub - slave type that i am wants this more than i ever have.  i just dont know how to get there.

recently i turned down a very genuine man, one you all know on here very well - proper pukka and all of that.  but i had to pull back because i knew i didnt have the necessary spark to push myself there.

so im asking, all of you people, lovely lovely people, who may have been here before, or are here now, what this process is and how did it turn around for you, if it did.

is it or was it a feeling of loss
acceptance
or something you fought or fight now

im changing again, re-evaluating.  i feel a huge loss and i want it back, but i cant seem to get it back.  i cant accept that this is it, because im still reasonably young, vibrant and together, i dont want vanilla and i dont want a watered down version of Ms.  i want my enthusiasm back, not sure where its gone.  i do feel lost without this, like a big part of me has closed down and im finding myself almost inwardly attacking Ms and finding fault in all it is and stands for.  challenging it and im not sure itll survive the process.

so - a little insight is much needed.

thanks xx



Elisabella -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 7:27:42 AM)

imo - search for love. true, passsionate, binding love.  the dynamic will be born organically from the way the two of you relate to each other, with or without titles.



smilezz -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 7:29:31 AM)

Hi lally..

I really wish I had an answer for you. I have been fighting the same thing for some time now....it's not that I don't want this, it's just I have been doing this for so long also that I feel burnt out too. I even feel on auto-pilot at times.

I have noticed for me that it has something to do with the time in my life and where I am at emotionally. I am pre-menopausal and hormone driven with no end in sight. My moods jump from HIGH to LOW with no warning and it really really sucks! I am hoping that the hormone balance tincture that I am taking will help in the long-run of things.

This is actually really hard for me to say/post......I have always been the strong one, the one to step up and ensure everyone else is alright, has what they need, see's to it they are where they are supposed to be...etc. I feel like a total idiot at times.

I know that "my" issue may not be yours or anyone else's, but seeing you post what I am feeling is actually a bit of a relief. It helps me to understand that I am not a complete insane person and that there are others that have that burnt out feeling.

If I can pin-point anything anymore, I surely will post it. I look forward to seeing what others may say/come up with......

-smilezz-




NuevaVida -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 9:35:47 AM)

Awhile back when I was single I felt like I had totally lost the desire to submit again, and was feeling pretty cynical about the concept of M/s.

I had a brief conversation with a long-time poster here, and he asked me a couple very simple questions which answered themselves in time:

"If you had an environment that you where confident and secure in.. what would come to the surface? More importantly, what would you need/want in your environment to feel that confidence and security to allow you internal drives to manifest forward?"

All I really had to do was just "be."  Just be myself.  Live my life.  Stop thinking so much about it all.   Sure, I'd entertain conversations here and there, but mostly I just got to know myself and got to like the "single me."  In time that environment he spoke about above presented itself to me.  I didn't have to think about my submission; it came to the surface on its own.  Yes, I was very careful with it, and with the path that was evolving before me, but those inner conflicts of feeling burned out, unexcited, and skeptical began dissolving on their own.\

Not sure if that helps.  The words I quoted resonated something in me, and helped a great deal.



agirl -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 10:12:57 AM)

Sounds like you're jaded.
You seem to talk about M/s as if it's not related to having a bloke. The problem isn't M/s , it's finding someone you want to have M/s with......And that takes a LOT of effort and energy. Even if they're beating at your door you still have to talk to them, get to know them , discuss M/s D/s blah blah........all of which can be quite a tiring thing.

You seem very sure that you actually DO want that style of relationship and that you want it more than ever.........are you sure that the process of having to sort out *getting it* isn't the bigger problem?

Just some thoughts,

agirl





smilezz -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 2:17:21 PM)

I think it's important to know that there are quite a few people that get jaded from time to time, that are just simply burnt out, that they question what they are doing is still right for them.......I don't believe it has anything to do with not having a partner, it could I 'spose, but not entirely.

I am Owned/Married and still have had all these feelings arise......

I do think alot of this needs to happen internally and go from there......it's not a quick fix. As I was once told...alot of soul searching.


-smilezz-



lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:02:34 PM)

thank you smilezz,

in a way what youre writing there is all part of what im feeling but without the relationship.  its the same feeling of not being challenged anymore by this - you mention auto-pilot.

for me also something else has changed here in that before i always acquiesced, submission stepped up to make the transition of Ds and or Ms smooth.  i cant do that anymore.  its like ive got to a point here now where that softening and acquiescence will not kick in.  its not that ive stopped being sub, ive just stopped making it easy and wierd as this might sound to some, its a whole new feeling and ball game and i feel almost rude to be this way.  but i really cant stop it, which is all part of the challenging Ms and being cynical too (smiles at NV)




lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:20:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Awhile back when I was single I felt like I had totally lost the desire to submit again, and was feeling pretty cynical about the concept of M/s.

I had a brief conversation with a long-time poster here, and he asked me a couple very simple questions which answered themselves in time:

"If you had an environment that you where confident and secure in.. what would come to the surface? More importantly, what would you need/want in your environment to feel that confidence and security to allow you internal drives to manifest forward?"

All I really had to do was just "be."  Just be myself.  Live my life.  Stop thinking so much about it all.   Sure, I'd entertain conversations here and there, but mostly I just got to know myself and got to like the "single me."  In time that environment he spoke about above presented itself to me.  I didn't have to think about my submission; it came to the surface on its own.  Yes, I was very careful with it, and with the path that was evolving before me, but those inner conflicts of feeling burned out, unexcited, and skeptical began dissolving on their own.\

Not sure if that helps.  The words I quoted resonated something in me, and helped a great deal.



yes, the quote outlines the emotive factor for entering Ms.  its the whole 'floating those feelings to the surface' again, that seem to have sunk without trace just recently.

i think much of this navel gazzing has been due to the fact that ive been a bit confined recently and in a way prevented from pursuing me.  it was the approach from the Master i mentioned that has made me realise just how far off beam i am.  in a way the pursuit of myself and my interests have fully engaged and fulfilled me, its been this period of being stuck with myself and my thoughts thats really pinpointed to me how much ive lost in the way of enthusiasm or faith in myself to enter Ms again.

ive lost the thrall.

exacerbated recently by a friend who is just starting out on her Ms journey and is all bounce and enthusiasm, anxiety and thrall.  that heady mix of hunger and excitement i seem to have lost.




lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:27:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

imo - search for love. true, passsionate, binding love.  the dynamic will be born organically from the way the two of you relate to each other, with or without titles.


thank you, that clears my thinking a little.

im realising that whats changed is that it isnt the Ms that i crave its the relationship from which the Ms will organically grow from.  therefore the premis isnt Ms, the premis is finding a person who creates that energy in me because my feelings for him are such that it will naturally float to the surface on its own.

hm, [:)]




lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:48:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Sounds like you're jaded.
You seem to talk about M/s as if it's not related to having a bloke. The problem isn't M/s , it's finding someone you want to have M/s with......And that takes a LOT of effort and energy. Even if they're beating at your door you still have to talk to them, get to know them , discuss M/s D/s blah blah........all of which can be quite a tiring thing.

You seem very sure that you actually DO want that style of relationship and that you want it more than ever.........are you sure that the process of having to sort out *getting it* isn't the bigger problem?

Just some thoughts,

agirl





[:D] yup, jaded is about right.

and yup to the rest of it too [:D] - it is the process im finding uninspiring, which is why ive taken myelf off internet dating and have headed off toward my local communities. 

which was going fine until i crashed my car the other week, ended up concussed with a broken rib or two.  too much time to navel gaze recently.  but this has been building up for a while.  i stopped meeting up from the internet a while ago.

the dichotomy im finding is that in order to even be considered by a Dominant into Ms there is a certain tenet, or tone, or attitude thats looked for.  no ones fault, im guessing after one or two blind alleys, fake profiles and wannabes, a Master has every right to look for some little clue that they are actually talking to someone with TPE capabilities.  im not showing my capabilities off too well right now.  which is fine. but its all part of the funny place im in right now.

im out of wack with the song and dance shuffle.  i see it coming, i know how it plays and rolls out, where its going and what im supposed to do.  in this frame of mind im not submissive material, thats how it feels - and id be wasting peoples time, which i dont want to do.



lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:50:43 PM)

in this mind frame i know im missing out on people - great people, opportunities im not allowing to get close.



NuevaVida -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 3:59:28 PM)

lally,

From my own experience, you don't need to show "certain tenets, tones or attitudes."  Just be yourself and whatever comes out naturally.  For what it's worth, I told my owner (in our first conversations, when the last thing I wanted was another relationship), that I didn't want a relationship, that men just complicate things, and that my life was good as it was.  I was not eager to serve, or even love someone.  I was just really honest about myself.  And THAT is caught his attention.

The rest all just fell into place. God only knows why he wanted to keep talking to me - he said he liked my personality and just wanted to get to know me better.  Through the course of getting to know each other, we fell in love with each other. 

I'm just saying don't worry too much about being anything but who you are today, in this moment.



lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 5:04:04 PM)

thats the morph bit i think..., [8|]

up until recently i perceived my personality to be submissive, its not that i genoflected all over the place, but maybe i empathed the needs or interest shown to me by others through my desire to please and be responsive and encouraging.  i felt their need for me to respond to them in a certain way and did so.

i had to smile at what you wrote there, its where im at totally.  and yet is isnt. 

i think in a way i need to almost separate myself from what i would like and what i need.  what i would like is a loving, wonderful, growing Ms relationship.  what i need right now is space and time.

hm, thanks NV and to everyone whose written, im clearer now.

love and hugs xx



agirl -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 5:50:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Sounds like you're jaded.
You seem to talk about M/s as if it's not related to having a bloke. The problem isn't M/s , it's finding someone you want to have M/s with......And that takes a LOT of effort and energy. Even if they're beating at your door you still have to talk to them, get to know them , discuss M/s D/s blah blah........all of which can be quite a tiring thing.

You seem very sure that you actually DO want that style of relationship and that you want it more than ever.........are you sure that the process of having to sort out *getting it* isn't the bigger problem?

Just some thoughts,

agirl





[:D] yup, jaded is about right.

and yup to the rest of it too [:D] - it is the process im finding uninspiring, which is why ive taken myelf off internet dating and have headed off toward my local communities. 

the dichotomy im finding is that in order to even be considered by a Dominant into Ms there is a certain tenet, or tone, or attitude thats looked for.  no ones fault, im guessing after one or two blind alleys, fake profiles and wannabes, a Master has every right to look for some little clue that they are actually talking to someone with TPE capabilities.  im not showing my capabilities off too well right now.  which is fine. but its all part of the funny place im in right now.

im out of wack with the song and dance shuffle.  i see it coming, i know how it plays and rolls out, where its going and what im supposed to do.  in this frame of mind im not submissive material, thats how it feels - and id be wasting peoples time, which i dont want to do.


snipped a bit..

If someone wants to get to know you, it's their choice, you're not making a life-long commitment , nor do you owe them anything at all......or have to *show* your potential as a TPE in the way YOU imagine you have to.

I'm not sure you're correct about the *tenet, attitude and tone* thing.....I'm sure SOME doms might be looking for that, but there has simply GOT to be more than just NV's and my owner that really just is interested in you as a PERSON, not JUST * M/s potential*.

I'm the last thing any *master* would look for on paper..........not even submissive and never been in love with the idea of being told what to do, obeying or serving etc etc. And yet, here I am in an M/s relationship for years, doing all of those things with varying degrees of frustration.......still...lol

You're not up for doing the dance right now.....easy..don't then. You're not *losing out on great people or opportunities* because you're not really in any kind of place to take advantage of them happily anyway.

If you're.....
*out of wack with the song and dance shuffle. see it coming, know how it plays and rolls out, where its going and what im supposed to do.*
...it looks as if you're expecting a dull and boring script from a dull and boring man.

The man I'm with didn't pursue me as a *slave* or as anything, or pursue me at all, apart from being a friend .......and I only became his because *I* asked him if he'd have me. After 4 years I decided that I knew him well enough to give it a go...he knew me well enough, after all.( I DID think it was taking the mick to take a whole 7 days to decide, though....lol)

It's not the M/s,  it's finding a relationship with a chap that can understand what you're like, wants something similar and has the imagination to swing with it.

Unlike all the fantasy, it's not quite like puzzle pieces fitting together, although it can FEEL like that. Most of the great relationships that work so well aren't perfectly fitted from the beginning..... what fits from the beginning are the important parts, the bits that matters....being yourself, bad, good, annoying, frustrating, uplifting and so on.

You sound like you feel you have to *prove* something to do with M/s, when all you have to do is*prove* you're you. 'Tis good enough.

agirl



















NymphetamineGirl -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 7:19:06 PM)

In my life, I find I get what I need, when I need it, which has nothing to do with what I want, when I want it. Generally when I overthinking things it's because I feel unbalanced or out of control relative to the issue that's taking up space in my head. It wasn't that my Master untwisted me, though it felt so when he'd say as much; rather the assertion of "I got this" removed my need to obsess or worry. Speaking of such...our relationship grew from vanilla friendship. The immense devotion we shared grew from the relationship. Our intimacy drove our dynamic and our sex life, which for me was a welcome change--in the past I used sex to try to get intimacy. In short, I think these things develop best when we're not trying. Don't be so hard on yourself...you didn't get to this quandry by chance, there must be a reason for it, somethng led you here. You can't get past an obstacle if you kick your own ass for too long. Good luck!



DarkSteven -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 9:08:43 PM)

lally, no offense intended, but have you had a physical lately?  You might have depression.

<-------------Offers to play doctor with lally



sexyred1 -> RE: finding my way back (11/8/2010 9:27:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

imo - search for love. true, passsionate, binding love.  the dynamic will be born organically from the way the two of you relate to each other, with or without titles.


thank you, that clears my thinking a little.

im realising that whats changed is that it isnt the Ms that i crave its the relationship from which the Ms will organically grow from.  therefore the premis isnt Ms, the premis is finding a person who creates that energy in me because my feelings for him are such that it will naturally float to the surface on its own.

hm, [:)]




This is what I believe. So if you know that, then know you have not lost anything, but instead, have regrouped and set it aside...keeping it ready to jump to the surface when you meet the person who releases those feelings again.

Life has a way of handing you different opportunities, dilemmas and challenges and sometimes your focus and energy need to be on those, especially if you are not with someone inspiring to you at the moment.

Don't worry about it...just be your authentic self.



ranja -> RE: finding my way back (11/9/2010 2:21:47 AM)

lally have you checked out where your nearest Ceroc venue is yet?



lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/9/2010 3:15:15 PM)

whats Ceroc



lally2 -> RE: finding my way back (11/9/2010 3:17:22 PM)

thank you Dr.DarkS - upon youre suggestion ive started taking some St.JohnsWort - you might be right.  been a shitty couple of weeks. xx

sexy - yeah, you know, when you said 'be youre authentic self' i realised that i havent been recently, ive been distant, somewhat aloof and even a bit rude at times.  not me at all.  ill go back to being me - hugs. x



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