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Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 7:55:58 PM

Kyle0499

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Ok so the other day...my older sister comes to visit me right? And she brings her nephew with her. Great kid. Anyways, later in the day he comes up to me and asks me, "Is it normal that a kid my age would like bondage?" And you know, he's so nervous he's trying to put it off like it's not him. Point is, at that time, I just couldn't answer him. Not sure why. But he's 16, and he's asking me things like, "So is it? What about BDSM? Do you know what that is?" I tell him yes but I make sure that he doesn't know too much about me ;-) so yeah, what should I tell him? What advice should I give him?

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:04:06 PM

DesFIP

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Tell him that lots of people enjoy it. But that it's important he doesn't try autoasphyxiation. And talk to him about consent. That he shouldn't allow himself to feel pressured to do anything he isn't sure of and he shouldn't pressure someone else. That sex, and bondage is sexual, is pleasurable but it isn't more important than love.

Basically the same stuff you would tell him about becoming sexually active. It's normal to think about it, to want to do it, but there are right and wrong ways and he needs to do it right.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:05:57 PM

AquaticSub

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This... for the record... is known as a danger zone. Because talking to him about it could get you in trouble.

I would stick to very basics - that it isn't abuse, that safety is very important and that there are some resources out there that can help him. Now, how specific you want to get about how to find them - I don't know what to tell you there. I'm 99.9 percent sure that many of the "big name" books can be bought legally by some under 18 (someone correct me if I'm wrong - they are on Amazon and G-d knows they don't have anything more explicit than the romance novels I get for my iPad!) but I don't know if you are going to be feel comfortable actually pointing him towards them.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/9/2010 8:10:58 PM >

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:06:04 PM

littlewonder

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I would be wondering why he's asking you such questions. Sounds to me like he's heard rumors about you and now is trying to set you up to find out if the rumors are true. Sorry but having a teenager I've seen this trick used umpteenth times.

I would tell him to ask his mother or father.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:08:43 PM

Kyle0499

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I would be wondering why he's asking you such questions. Sounds to me like he's heard rumors about you and now is trying to set you up to find out if the rumors are true. Sorry but having a teenager I've seen this trick used umpteenth times.

I would tell him to ask his mother or father.

The reason for this is, most likely, me and him hang out a lot. We are best buds. I won't go into details, but I will just say that he considers me really close. So maybe that's why. Lol it could be a trick too. Who knows.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:19:29 PM

littlewonder

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imo if this kid is your best bud then you yourself are too young to be talking to him about bdsm or sex or anything else of a sexual nature. Tell him to talk to his parents. I'm guessing you are young yourself since I haven't viewed your profile and being that you are over 18 I hope and he's 16 I'd be extremely careful what you say or do.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 8:52:59 PM

DesFIP

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My son is more likely to broach sensitive topics with his older sister first, before asking me. So I don't see anything wrong with him asking a cousin who is three years older. What kind of reaction would his parents have if this topic came up? You're family, you must know if they're very conservative and closed minded or not.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 9:33:41 PM

Missokyst

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It is pretty normal for a kid that age to focus on anything sexual that catches his attention. I would tell him thinking of sex is pretty normal, even if it isn't straight up sex.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 10:55:33 PM

subkatslut

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Yeah I see this one as tricky in how to handle it. I mean I would tell him it's an aspect of sex that some adults enjoy because surely he knows grownups have sex by now. But how detailed you want to get really depends on what you feel your sister would be comfortable with you sharing with him...he is after all her child.

Does she know about your personal involvement with it? You certainly don't want to overstep your bounds but don't want to betray any trust he has put into you either. Do you think she would be cool with you discussing even vanilla sex with him? I mean does he have a father in his life? Still given your proximity in age I could see how coming to you would be easier or more natural for him. But at 16 he is still a child and as young as you are you are still an adult and it's a fine line especially with something like this because you then carry a responsibility for any choices he may make.

If you don't want to get too involved I would tell him you did some research after his question and found some books that could answer many of his curious questions. That way he's getting sound information and advice but not directly from you.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/9/2010 11:59:08 PM

DMFParadox

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Heh.

When I was 15, I found my way onto a bondage board on AOL, met a few people through it. Some awesome, some less so, but none of them were scared of me. But. That was before the worst of the child predator scares. Frankly, kid, I'd say your 'cousin' is shit out of luck until he hits 18. In this day and age, it's just too effin' dangerous, even for edge players like these lovely chumps 'round here.

Good luck trolling, or getting advice, same dif.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 2:02:36 AM

ranja

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i'd tell him it's ok to wank off on anything that takes his fancy but NOT to tie anything around his neck while doing it as many young people... and even some older ones (that lovely man from INXS) manage to kill themself accidentally like that.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 4:25:38 AM

catize

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If I were you, I'd ask him what he means by 'bondage'' If he's talking about tying someone up or being tied up, or is he asking about erotic asphyxiation? Tell him the former is great fun for some, the latter can be fatal and not a good idea. Be calm, be matter-of-fact, let him know it's OK to talk with you about it. Tell him there are tons of books on bondage that include how to and safety, and if you have the funds, buy one for him.

ETA: Make it a conversation that is not awkward.

< Message edited by catize -- 11/10/2010 4:34:57 AM >

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 7:03:12 AM

sunshinemiss

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I can't tell you how many of my family's kids, neighbor's kids, friend's kids (teens) have come to me and asked me about sex. They ask me because they know I won't judge them and because they know I'll tell them the whole truth. Ohhh yes, remember the day a teen boy came to me and said, "Sunshine, my girlfriend wants anal sex, and I just don't want to do it. That's where shit comes from." (And of course - please don't tell my mom and dad that I asked...)

I always steered them to appropriate books and to health centers as appropriate and teen peer counseling lines and such so they had backup as well. It doesn't ahve to be awkward. Yes, some people like x, some people don't. It's your decision. In all sex, we need to be careful and honorable - with ourselves and our partners (emotionally, physically, integrity wise). We also need to be responsible for the safety of our partners and NOT harm them.

That this teenager is willing to come to you says a lot about your relationship. Kudos to you.

By the way, as a rule, I never ever told them what *I* do or don't do. Putting my life into the mix would have made it messy. I recommend you adopt that attitude as well. It not only keeps things clean emotionally wise, but it also adds a "barrier" by making things much more clinical. Think about telling a girl how to put a tampon in. It's embarassing and personal... and also a simple mechanical process. Keep it simple, sweetie.

best,
sunshine

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 3:54:16 PM

DesFIP

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My daughter has asked me about s & m, not because she thinks we practice it. But because she knew I would answer in a straight forward manner. My son's shy so for him I created a list of appropriate sex ed sites on his computer and books geared towards younger adolescents. He and his friends got a lot of use out of all of them and I presume were appreciative to have sources for truthful learning.

I buy him condoms regularly just in case. Bought them for the stepson too. This is whether or not they're in relationships because they ought to have them. However I didn't go as far as to demonstrate how to use them on a zucchini. I was going to but the kid looked like a tomato and swore they had done it in health class.

I have no problems with facts, other people do.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 8:13:41 PM

MaamJay

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OP you've had some great advice here. I can well understand why he would ask you rather than his parents, you are much closer to being a peer and yet someone he looks up to. He's obviously a bit concerned about his fantasies and wants to know what's normal. That's a very common reaction. I used to get a lot of this when I was a young biology teacher in a religious school, as the kids sussed that I wouldn't bullshit them or avoid the questions. And figured I'd probably know the answers given what I taught!

I think the way to handle it is to talk factually as most have suggested. Keep "what you do" well out of it, though you could admit to having been curious and done some research. I would also suggest you have a quiet word with his parents and mention that he's approached you for "the sex talk" and are they OK with your talking with him? They'll probably be hugely relieved! They may want to set some guidelines like "don't encourage him to go and do it!" which is fair enough. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/10/2010 8:27:10 PM

Arpig

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answer his questions to the best of your ability...the truth is good

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/11/2010 4:28:41 PM

Darkfeather

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There is nothing tricky about answering him. This is the age of information and people are more acutely aware of themselves at a younger age. The safest way to keep yourself neutral but not deny him the honest truth he deserves, is to give him the best souces for his answer. This is the 21st century, and you can find a weath of non-sexual information on bondage, s&m, bdsm, and fetishism on the internet and in the library. Tell him that the best way to find out about something that interests him is to research it. Nothing is worse than half truths and inuendos. This is true for anything in life

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/11/2010 4:59:06 PM

dory007

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i think so long as you talk in a matter of fact way, give factual helpful information, steer him toward helpful resources, and keep the conversation from being erotic you are fine. If you start talking erotically and or sharing porn you could get into legal trouble. Many teens can't take sexual questions to the their parents for whatever reasons. It is good he has an uncle he can go to for such information.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/12/2010 12:22:03 PM

SailingBum

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ehhhh you guys got it all backwards... Turn the question around ...like what do you know about bondage....what makes you think you may enjoi bondage etc.. Continue asking the questions while clearing up any misconceptions that he may have. Ya know take the mystery away from bondage. I would not allow the conversation to drift into BDSM with a 16 year old. I dont care how mature you think they are.

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RE: Awkward conversation. Need advice - 11/12/2010 2:46:06 PM

DesFIP

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Except that I would feel obliged to strongly warn them of the dangers of autoasphyxiation. Tying his legs together doesn't hold much danger. Tying something around his neck could kill him. And a lot of kids that age do try it.

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