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masochist help - 11/12/2010 6:11:32 AM   
Suckubi


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/12/2010
Status: offline 		ive just met a guy who is a masochist, ive always know i have a sadistic side but never had a chance to explore it, now i can and i dont have a clue what to do. any advice would be appreciated  
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 6:45:19 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		This may seem like a smart ass answer but truly it isn't - hit him or cause him pain 

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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 6:53:30 AM   
allnewtome


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Status: offline 		Why not ask him what he wants you to do? 



(in reply to wandersalone)
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:04:57 AM   
Suckubi


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/12/2010
Status: offline 		lol yes it was a smart ass answer. we havent spoke about it much so i havent asked him what he wants i just need some ideas so i dont seem like a complete novis, something creative  

(in reply to allnewtome)
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:22:21 AM   
lilredsubmarine


Posts: 62
Joined: 6/17/2010
From: QLD, Australia
Status: offline 		i don't know alot, but i do know one thing. Different strokes for different folks. He might be a masochist, but there will still be some things he hates, as well as those he loves, and you simply won't know until you ask. Perhaps initiate a conversation about his (and yours!) fantasies over a glass of wine? Often people are just itching to talk and share those "darker" sides of themselves, but have just never been invited to do so. Perhaps you could play a game of 20 questions, interspersing the more intense "how do you like to be beaten" with more lighthearted "what's your favourite animal?". Or have a conversation on msn one night-- even though you know eachother in the real world, i've also found that discussions over the interweb can often encourage a person to open up more than they would face-to-face (less confronting perhaps?).

Once you find out a little more about his specific likes and dislikes, then you can further research how to do said likes safely. It will also give you an insight into other things he might like that he hasn't tried yet. i never in my wildest dreams thought i would be into puppy play, but an observant Dom put two-and-two together from other things i like, and hey presto! Mind = Blown

Good luck, and have fun!!

(in reply to Suckubi)
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:24:38 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Don't start with something creative.  Your goal is to learn what to do, not to impress him.  Work up to creative stuff later.

Spank him.  There are so many ways to do it - different rhythms, intensities, etc.  And as long as you do not spank above the butt crack, you can inflict all sorts of pain without any chance of harm.  Hint: the thighs are very sensitive.

At the same time, attend groups and watch and learn.  Many groups have seminars on techniques as well.


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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:28:18 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Suckubi

lol yes it was a smart ass answer. we havent spoke about it much so i havent asked him what he wants i just need some ideas so i dont seem like a complete novis, something creative  

I am confused, from the little you have told us so far you actually are a novice and given that everyone was new at one stage that is perfectly understandable.  wouldn't it be easier to share this with him and both of you can learn what floats your boats together rather than you having to seem all - knowing?


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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:34:01 AM   
lilredsubmarine


Posts: 62
Joined: 6/17/2010
From: QLD, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
I am confused, from the little you have told us so far you actually are a novice and given that everyone was new at one stage that is perfectly understandable.  wouldn't it be easier to share this with him and both of you can learn what floats your boats together rather than you having to seem all - knowing?




(in reply to wandersalone)
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:40:02 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
I am confused, from the little you have told us so far you actually are a novice and given that everyone was new at one stage that is perfectly understandable.  wouldn't it be easier to share this with him and both of you can learn what floats your boats together rather than you having to seem all - knowing?


Agreed.  Why would you want to be attempting things that are above your skill level anyway?  There's nothing wrong with starting small and working your way up.

If you are here, OP, because you don't have any ideas of what to do, why would you put yourself in the position of trying things that you have no idea of how to do them?  That's not exactly the safest way to go about all of this.  A spanking, such as Steven suggested isn't going to harm anyone as long as you avoid hitting the tailbone.  (Like he said, above the crack.)

You say in the original that you have a sadistic side.  What did you have in your mind that led you to believe that?  Why not work with those ideas that gave you that impression about yourself?


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(in reply to wandersalone)
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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:42:47 AM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline 		I second what DS had said regarding spanking.  There's a "sweet spot" where the butt cheek meets the thigh.  A spank there with an upward motion makes delightful tingles.  Using a thin rod such as a window blind wand, lightly flicked there, is a sudden "ouch"!!
Go to munches together, demos and talk.  Talk to others, talk to him, but communicate.

And have fun.


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RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:59:10 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Suckubi

lol yes it was a smart ass answer. we havent spoke about it much so i havent asked him what he wants

Problem #1.  Talk to him.  Just because someone says they're a masochist doesn't mean they will like all pain in every situation.  Some people's masochism revolves around very specific scenarios.

quote:

i just need some ideas so i dont seem like a complete novis.

Problem #2.  What's wrong with being a novice?  It's a condition everyone has at some point in their lives.

Deal with Problem #1 first and once you know a little more about how he's wired and what his kinks are, then you'll find that Problem #2 tends to solve itself.

~stef


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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 8:24:20 AM   
Bella1965


Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		G'morning all:



quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
And as long as you do not spank above the butt crack, you can inflict all sorts of pain without any chance of harm. 

I've parsed for brevity and highlighted the arguable bone of contention. No offense DS, while the buttocks is a region with more fat and therefore less likely to be harmed, it is still possible to inflict great injury to an individual. Most especially to the coccyx, otherwise known as the tail bone. Slight variations occur in humans but the end of the coccyx generally falls right above the anus. Just f.y.i.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
A spanking, such as Steven suggested isn't going to harm anyone as long as you avoid hitting the tailbone.

Sorry, have to disagree. Even if you don't injure the coccyx, you can still harm the buttocks. I've seen it. Permanent damage. Hit any region hard enough, long enough, you can damage it.

OP - otherwise, it's sound advice. The buttocks is mostly fat covered muscle. Note the reference above and be careful with it. That said, since you have come here for advice, I'm going to break down my basic interview process for a new partner. This may sound cold and calculating, but you really do need to have some idea of the subject you're about to torture.

1) Ask him about his health. Does he have any issues? Heart, back, bones, joints, nerves, lungs, etc? Any family history of issues? Any pre-existing conditions such as diabetes? Once you know the background, you have some idea of what to stay away from, what to favor, what zones are better for your attention.
2) What does he like, toy-wise? Some may have unpleasant connotations or associations for him. Others might drive him to the brink of insanity or ecstasy.
3) Physically examine him, head to toe. I mean, everywhere. Use your hands, use your eyes, use all your senses and KNOW his flesh. Find his weak spots, his erogenous zones, his "omfg, don't go near there!" zones. Make mental notes of any nodes, lumps, hard or conversely soft spots.
4) Find out what his reactions are like to the stimulus of pain. Does he moan, scream, writhe, kick, lash out, etc? Consider where you're playing as well. Do you want the neighbors hearing that? Perhaps their kids? If not, do you have a gag and a safe signal that he can make to warn you off? Perhaps another location.

That's just off the top of my head, I'm sure there's more, but I just woke up, lol. More posters can add to this list evidently. Once you both become comfortable with each other, have a blast and make sure you take video.


Stay safe, play nice & share your toys w/ others...





Bella

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(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 8:34:48 AM   
ejmichaels


Posts: 51
Joined: 11/11/2010
Status: offline 		The other answers here covered a lot, so I'll add a personal note. I'm primarily submissive and was once dating a masochist who kept trying to get me to be more dominant. Actually, it was the sadistic part he wanted, and he was very clear about what he liked. He had no problems telling me, which was fine, since I didn't expect him to be submissive. I found out I absolutely loved inflicting pain when I knew it was exactly what he wanted. Not wanting to try something I'm not sure of is what keeps me from taking the top role more often - that, and I usually don't like making all those decisions. He was perfect for me in this regard. 

< Message edited by ejmichaels -- 11/12/2010 8:35:18 AM >

(in reply to Bella1965)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 6:47:30 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		If you want to spank but your hands can't handle it for long enough ... a flat wooden ruler, or a wooden spoon make very useful paddles that you probably have at hand. I bought an awesome wooden spoon with a slight curve to the shape that just matches the curve of most bums for 50c at an op shop and it remains one of My very favourite toys! Makes a lovely sound as well as hitting nicely. Hair brushes with flat backs are good too. I also have a brush for pets that has plastic knobby bristles on one side and coarse hair bristles on the other, great for different sensations. The coarse bristles can be quite ouchy! Table tennis (ping pong) bats also make good paddles though they do have a habit of breaking at the handles. And a crop is best obtained from a horse/saddlery shop, much cheaper than those for bdsm!

For "safe" spankings:
1) Use your hands to do a warm up first, from taps, gradually increasing intensity, till the bum is warm and lightly pink.
2) Then increase the intensity of the strikes, this is where you can get the sub to count them (and thank you for them if you like ... and maybe get them to ask for another one harder please!).
3) Have safe words in play for an unfamiliar partner, tell the sub you will increase intensity until he calls "Orange" (or yellow or amber, whatever you call the middle traffic light!) that indicates that the intensity of that strike is about as much as he can handle. Then you can choose to back off and remain in control of the scene. This also gets him over the mental hurdle of uttering a safeword. However, if you seem to be hitting very hard and he refuses to say it, YOU say it and stop the scene and talk about it later.
4) You can choose whether to soothe the bum by rubbing your hands lightly over it after every few strokes or not. This usually means that ultimately a sub can take more strikes than if you just keep going without soothing it. It can make your hands seem all-powerful to the sub in that they can inflict pain and take it away again. However, some masochists prefer the pain to be relentless and don't want you to soothe it away. Of course ... if you're sadist, you may want to do what they DON'T want you to do LOL!
5) Play to a nicely deep pink/light red glowing bum for the first time at least. Then do other things (whatever you fancy) and keep an eye on the skin. See how fast it fades, see how ouchy it is for the sub to sit on it. Check the next few days or so for any bruising. That will give you an idea of how his skin responds and how much you can do next time. Bums will harden up with regular spanking and go soft again once that stops.

Hope that helps!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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(in reply to ejmichaels)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:04:05 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		.....and I'll add to the growing list of good advice you've been getting:

Don't put pressure on yourself to use certain implements just because they are associated with BDSM.  Whips, crops and canes are all wonderful--and I'm sure, if you're both compatible, you'll have many good days ahead of you to experience all of them.  The big pitfall many novices make is to rush into the "big stuff" too quickly.

Start of with small, inflexible instruments:  all those mentioned in previous posts--hands, wooden spoons, small wooden paddles, hairbrushes, leather soled slipper--all effective, all can inflict a decent amount of pain--enough to get you and your partner off to a good start.  Small and inflexible (except for the slipper) because it will give you the control over your aim that you'll need to hit the safe areas of your "target."  Once you know your tastes--and those of your partner--and you feel comfortable reading both his body language/sounds/clues--you can work your way up to other implements. 

If he desires more pain than you can muster, there are some tricks you can use to make it hurt more with less effort--shaving his bum ahead of time will make the area very sensitive. (it's quite erotic for some, too!) if you wet the skin, it will make the spanking hurt more as well.

Personally, the Lesbian S/M Safety Manual is an excellent "how to" --even if you aren't a Lesbian.  And there's nothing like the real thing--go to local "munches" and lectures offered by leather/BDSM organizations.  Many offer an SM101 class that can give you some tips and even hands-on time to help you learn.  You might even meet nice folks who can help mentor you.

For belts, canes, floggers, single tails--anything that "wraps"--you do run the risk of injury, so save those until you feel very ready.  I learned from some very skilled folks--who taught me by having me practice on a target chalked into a pillow (for canes and belts) and I learned to flog using a tennis ball suspended on a rope.  When I demonstrated that I could hit the ball with the very tip of the whip, I was ready for a human target.

Good luck--and have fun!

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: masochist help - 11/12/2010 7:05:46 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

I bought an awesome wooden spoon with a slight curve to the shape that just matches the curve of most bums for 50c at an op shop and it remains one of My very favourite toys! Makes a lovely sound as well as hitting nicely.


I LOVE wooden spoons! They're one of the first "toys" I started collecting. I have loads of cheapies, but my favorite, by far, is my Jonathan Wild Cherry Cattail Spoon...it's special

Oh, and the things you can do with the chopsticks that come with take-away chinese!

quote:


And a crop is best obtained from a horse/saddlery shop, much cheaper than those for bdsm!



Oh, I agree with this one. I love to shop the local saddlery shop for a host of goodies. Crops are fun...they can be soft or stingy.

OP, find out what works for your masochistic partner by starting slow and being honest about your lack of practicial sadistic experience. Communication is a wonderful thing. Maybe even take him shopping..."I need to buy some wooden spoons, would you like to help me pick out some?"....sounds like an opportunity to do a little fun exploring.
Yeah, it's tame, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day!

Have fun.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 11/12/2010 7:08:57 PM >

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: masochist help - 11/13/2010 4:26:08 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		master does a very simple one occasionally and it really plays to the mind. He rhythmically hits the bed with the belt then every so often it will be me not the bed and with different strengths i have no idea which or when it will be. its simple and creative. the important thing is to keep to the rhythm. i have to lie still no ties no movement and to always look away with eyes shut no blindfold. if i disobey then there is a punishment type stroke.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)
Profile   Post #: 17
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