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Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relationship. - 4/28/2006 1:31:03 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

I've been thinking about this afteer reading some posts that state that the slaves or subs owned are only for serving, there is no sexual contact between the Dominant and the submissive or slave. Which i can understand, but was curious about a couple of things.

The question i have is this....

If you own one or more slaves or submissives that are not part of your sex life. Do you grant them the opportunity of having an outside sexlife or are they supposed to be celibate for the entire time that they are owned by you?

If they are allowed to "date" (for lack of a better word) do you interview or meet anyone they see outside of your home?

I ask this because even though i realize serving and sex are not always intertwined i know that personally, i would not function well in a totally non-sexual life. So this made me wonder how the non-sexual relationships work.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

Post #: 1

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 1:34:16 PM

MistWalker

Posts: 90
Joined: 4/20/2006
From: Memphis
Status: offline

hmm intersting question.. and i have little to add, but i look forward to seeing the responces.. when i take my boy, while sex will be involved im sure, i dont know to what extent he will be brought into the house to begin with.. if its the right one, well then he will become a live in, but for a while any way i have been contemplating a more hands off aproach.. so i do have to wonder about allowing for that form of relationship outside of our home.. ..

_____________________________

Alpha in my Mistress's house, bound to her by collar and wedding band.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 2

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 1:36:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
If you own one or more slaves or submissives that are not part of your sex life. Do you grant them the opportunity of having an outside sexlife or are they supposed to be celibate for the entire time that they are owned by you?

Everyone in a relationship with me is able to do whatever they want with whoever they want as long as it doesn't interfere negatively with the existing relationships.

quote:

If they are allowed to "date" (for lack of a better word) do you interview or meet anyone they see outside of your home?

Nope. I PREFER getting to meet them eventually, but it's not necessary unless my partner suddenly wants them to move in or something. They are grown-ups who obviously were mature and good enough judges to meet and get involved with me. No reason they need me to babysit them now.

I will be happy to give my opinions and give advice though.

quote:

I ask this because even though i realize serving and sex are not always intertwined i know that personally, i would not function well in a totally non-sexual life. So this made me wonder how the non-sexual relationships work.

Totally depends on the relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 3

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 5:43:41 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I agree that it is an interesting question. I have been involved in a couple of scenes where there was no sexuality involved, only BDSM play (but there again...given that both sadism and masochism are involved in BDSM play and that they are defined as "receiving sexual pleasure from giving/receiving pain/sensation", there is some question as to whether that WAS non-sexual but...I digress) but I have not been involved with a submissive in a relationship where there was no sexuality involved. Therefore, I cannot speak from the perspective of being in a non-sexual relationship with a submissive who desired sex elsewhere. MY observation only, yours may vary: this seems to be more prevalent among female dominants and their submissives/slaves than it does among male dominants and their submissives/slaves although I happen to know a female dominant who enjoys both types of interaction and another female dominant who does not enjoy any sexual interaction with her submissive but does allow him to seek it elsewhere on the provision that it does not take away from his assigned duties.

You can muse on these things forever but I have the feeling that I would most often come down on the side of being involved sexually with my submissive. Of course, I've never had a service submissive...no one's even offered (damn...[;)...so who knows? I might like that but I still think that even if I did, I would want a submissive that I was involved with sexually and emotionally.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 5:48:43 PM

MadamShy

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

once the collared slaves leave My sanctuary there sex life is there own as long as it doesn't interfer with Our D/s relationship...

they can Not engage in other D/s lifestyle tho ... so they must have intercourse only vanilla ways lol...

_____________________________

Madam Shy
Head Domina
Bitch of Club Hell
Providence RI

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 5

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 5:54:00 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

What? You don’t have sex with a slave? Guess I’ll spend the slave hip replacement funds I have been saving.
Loki

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to MadamShy)

Post #: 6

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 6:41:08 PM

ladylexington

Posts: 117
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

If I am playing with a submissive (i.e., meeting once or twice a week for play, with some other forms of contact during the week), I don't care if s/he has sex. But, I do care about the person my play partner is having sex with. I always ask to meet the person in a vanilla setting.

I prefer to do this because my play partners often become sex partners if we sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship over several month. So, even though we aren't sleeping together yet, I have a vested interest in the submissive's choices.

If I am in a sexual relationship with a submissive, s/he better keep the personal parts personal.

_____________________________

If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. -- Mark Twain

(in reply to Wulfchyld)

Post #: 7

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 7:18:06 PM

MichMasochist

Posts: 234
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

I've been thinking about this afteer reading some posts that state that the slaves or subs owned are only for serving, there is no sexual contact between the Dominant and the submissive or slave. Which i can understand, but was curious about a couple of things.

The question i have is this....

If you own one or more slaves or submissives that are not part of your sex life. Do you grant them the opportunity of having an outside sexlife or are they supposed to be celibate for the entire time that they are owned by you?

If they are allowed to "date" (for lack of a better word) do you interview or meet anyone they see outside of your home?

I ask this because even though i realize serving and sex are not always intertwined i know that personally, i would not function well in a totally non-sexual life. So this made me wonder how the non-sexual relationships work.

I say don't worry about what others tell you your kink should include or not. If they do or don't do it it's their flavor, pick and choose what suits you. Some doms or dommes don't, but some doms or dommes do. Same thing for the subs and slaves.

A non-sexual life doesn't work for most, I'm one of them. And I don't feel the need to submit to anyone who's incompatible, with me, in terms of which bdsm is only one facet of many that compose my life.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 8

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 7:56:09 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I have two slaves. The relationship with slave girl anne is not sexual (but not due to the fact that she's a girl; she's het, not bi like me). In fact, anne is married and in an open marriage. So, she has a husband, a lover and a Master in her life. We all know each other and get along very well. I also allow her to play with others as both bottom and top and she has kept all the former play relationships she had before I collared her.

slave jason, on the other hand, is a sexual relationship, or at least was when he was stateside. Kinda hard when he's in Germany. I honestly don't know if I would allow him to have another relationship. Theoretically, I'd like to say that I would, if I felt that it was important for his emotional, physical, mental or spiritual well-being. I would like to say that we could work past any jealousy that I might have. In the end, I feel that I would allow it, but it would have to entail many hours of talking and perhaps getting to know his partner. I would have to be reassured that I was his primary. Once I felt I had that knowledge, then I could do it. I truly feel very, very possessive when it comes to him. anne and I discuss it sometimes and wonder why we both feel so much more possessive about the men in our lives than the women. It's strange.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 9

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 8:33:44 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

For me, it completely depends on the submissive, and the dynamics of our relationship.

I am asexual, so I don't have sex often, and when I do, it's more for my partner's pleasure than for mutual pleasure. But, I understand that most people (including submissives *gasp*) do have a "normative" sex drive. So I try to make sure that their needs are met. They can probably look forward to at least *some* chastity and/or masturbation though.

Other than that, it really depends on the sub and the dynamics.

If it is a submissive with a very low sex drive, and we have a strong emotionally intimate bond, I'm probably going to be willing to occasionally ... erm... "put-out" for them.

If it is more a strictly service position like a maid/butler sub, and we don't have a close level of emotional intimacy between us because the relationship is old school or victorian based, then they would probably be permitted to have their sex life outside the home.

I would normally like a second (or even third) submissive that has a good warm compatibility with the first sub, and the two of them would couple to have their sexual needs met. I would even like a married (for lack of a better word) sub/sub couple under me. And although their sexuality would be open to me, I wouldn't micromanage it. Though I would want them to remain monogamous to one another in that aspect.

If it were a sub who had a very high sex drive, and there was no one else in the household to "assist" them, they would probably be dissatisfied.
I prefer to keep all the sexual activity within the confines of the household. (I know there's probably a poly word for that.)

I'm also not opposed to a "reward system" for sexual gratification based on service.

One thing I pride myself in, is being open to trying to meet my submissive's sexual needs, even though I have no interest in sexuality myself. A sub could come along with a real high sex drive and some hair brained idea about how to get those needs met, and as long as it didn't jeopardize the relationship(s) or go outside the home, I'd probably be open to trying it.

I've found that the horny ones are a lot better at coming up with ideas of how they can get off, than I am.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 10

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 8:39:03 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for the insight so far. *smiles*

As for letting others tell me what is right and wrong... well that didn't even happen when i was a teenager, probably not going to start now *grins* so no worries there Mich, but i understand what you are saying. I have never sumbitted to someone i did not wish to do so.

I have been involved with Dominants where the play was non sexual in the traditional sense (intercourse, masterbation, etc) but i've always had a sexlife out side of the D/s one. No i wasn't collared, just played.

I'm not only picky about those i serve i'm even more picky about those i sleep with. I really think in this day and age one needs to be.

I was curious as to the expectations of a slave or sub to be totally celibate for months or years at the Dominants descretion. Personally i know i could not sustain such a thing, but I've heard that others have.

Years ago my best friend told me that celibacy can kill *grins* i havea tendency to believe her. for some of us anyhow.

MFM, i can understand why you would be more possesive of one and not another. *smiles* it's human nature. If another woman looked at my first Master i wanted to rip her hair out lol. But my soon to be ex husband. I really didn't care less if he was sleeping around or not. Heck i even told him too. thought it might help remove the stick out of his butt *giggles*

Proprietrix, that actually makes perfect sense. thank you for putting it that way. I never thought of considering sex drive. I can see where having a married couple under you would be a grand idea as well if you are not sexually motivated yourself.

Again thank you everyone for the insight. I can better understand some of the dynamics of this type of sitution. *smiles*

< Message edited by akisha -- 4/28/2006 8:44:08 PM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/28/2006 9:02:07 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I wouldn't take a slave without having sex with her, so my answer would have to be "not applicable."

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 12

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/29/2006 1:13:53 PM

genvieve

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline

The only D/s relationship i have ever been involved with that was non-sexual was when i was trained, but i think that is a totally different circumstance. i'm not sure that i could give much insite to this topic other than to state that there are many Dominants who allow their submissives to play with others. In the cases where i see this happening, mostly, the Dominant may or may not interview the play partner, but will DEFINATELY discuss the scene before hand with the submissive herself. After all, it is the submissive, not the alternate play party who is collared to the Domiant...he or she is responsible for the situations in which she is bound.

i will be interested to see what the rest of Y/you have to say about this topic.

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 13

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 4/29/2006 8:08:57 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

I've been thinking about this afteer reading some posts that state that the slaves or subs owned are only for serving, there is no sexual contact between the Dominant and the submissive or slave. Which i can understand, but was curious about a couple of things.

The question i have is this....

If you own one or more slaves or submissives that are not part of your sex life. Do you grant them the opportunity of having an outside sexlife or are they supposed to be celibate for the entire time that they are owned by you?

If they are allowed to "date" (for lack of a better word) do you interview or meet anyone they see outside of your home?

I ask this because even though i realize serving and sex are not always intertwined i know that personally, i would not function well in a totally non-sexual life. So this made me wonder how the non-sexual relationships work.

Since I am poly, whether or not I'm in a sexual relationship with my slave does not matter because I follow the idea that I shouldn't expect him/her to be monogamous if I'm not going to be monogamous.

However just as I introduce anyone I might have a relationship to all my partners, I want to know who they are considering. When I own them, they need to ask permission -- I don't think I've ever said "no" but I have said "let me talk to them a bit more".

If I wasn't having a sexual relationship with a slave then I actually hope they are having sex with someone else even if its just him/herself. I consider sex to be a healthy part of being human and I want my slaves to be healthy and happy.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 14

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 5/6/2006 6:58:40 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

What an interesting topic. While I am a very sexual being, I have always held the contention that BDSM and sex do not have to go hand in hand…at least that how it’s been in my experience; and I like it that way.

When I finally discovered there was a real-life version of the nonsense I discovered online, I was lucky to fall into the hands of some very experienced people. In a rather short time I have learned a great deal about me, about the lifestyle, about BDSM. In three years I have befriended and played with perhaps six Dominant men, but have not had ‘sex’ (masturbation or any sort of penetration) with them. What we did was play; they taught me about toys, obedience, pain, safety…and the Power Exchange. Some of these men I have ‘stood for’ many times and may do so again…as we are good friends and enjoy the rush of such play together. But we are just not sexual.

I have also had a couple of close relationships with Dominants that were sexual…and have learned they are by far the best (IMHO) and most complete …for me. However, not being in such a relationship makes play with my other friends quite satisfying…for now.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 5/9/2006 1:50:54 PM

nicochan

Posts: 78
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Master and His Wife own me in all ways. i am "their girl," i am slave to Them D/s, M/s and sexually. The rules we set up (well, He set up this one, and it is a condition of His Wife allowing me to stay) include that i am not allowed to pursue romantic or sexual relationships with other men. They have an open marriage and only occassionally sleep with others with protection, but my being both fluid-bound and only Theirs prevents worry over diseases, infections and other problems. But that's just what my circumstances happen to be. :3

However, if someone has a D/s / M/s / etc. relationship that does not involve sex, i see no problem with sex outside that particular relationship, as long as both/all consent to that arrangement.

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 16

RE: Sex outside the collar in a non-sexual D/s relation... - 5/10/2006 6:32:03 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I can't imagine this working for me, but it is an interesting topic.

(in reply to nicochan)

Post #: 17

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