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cuckrob -> Previous relationship (4/28/2006 3:17:29 PM)
In the past few months while looking for a Domme I have been fortunate to have chatted with two Mistresses on Messenger. Because of distance it will not be possible to meet either of them but each raised a point of concern. They both got the feeling I was trying to recreate my previous relationship. I was unaware I was sending out those signals but on reflection it was very good advice and made me aware that even though I have no desire to duplicate what has happened in the past it may appear like that to others. May I ask the other Mistresses if they have had similar concerns with a prospective sub?

Oumae -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 3:35:20 PM)
Yes, I've come across this. While I am open to hearing about dynamics that have worked and about interests and finding the buttons that work I am me and will be myself. I have no wish to try to be someone else to fulfill a fantasy. Many don't realise they are doing it and it is good to see a sub taking the positive from a past experience, I don't really want to listen to a bitch fest about an ex. I think it can be similar to some subs who lean towards sounding like "do me" subs. It is good and right to have your interests, likes, dislikes etc just don't try and push them and a one right way on another Domme. Each relationship is different, savour it for its uniqueness. Oumae

cuckrob -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 3:41:56 PM)
Thank you very much for your response and has made me be aware of the signals i may have been sending out.

MsDominiquenz -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 4:40:58 PM)
Hello cuckrob. Its common in any kind of a relationship to have the ghosts of the past play some role in the here and now, and particularly in D/s it is not good to try to create something new while these sig others are still around filling your mind. It is not good to take a trip down memory lane, good bad or indifferent with a Domina new to you. you might be thinking even on a deep level that discussing the past and revealing what was right/wrong will enable the Domme to learn about you, how you can be vunerable, happy or safe.. but she is not..she is learning about the other Domina..and who wants to be bored to tears with that ? They say, love or hate the ex and you are still having a relationship..until they and what transpired just dosent feature have you moved on. So..have a good visit backwards in your mind.. then stand up, have a good shake, and from then on, make it the last thing you dwell on with the new Domme. I find that what holds subs back the most, particularly in realtime is the baggage from the past, and/or blueprint. I was blown away once at a play party..there was slaveX , he had served a Mistress for many years, had the tattoos of ownership and all. Lots of folk were sorry and dazed when that ended for him and had been very supportive. So.. he proudly walks behind his new Lady..she wouldnt know, but in the dim lights I thought she was the past Mistress..a wig, similar style of dressing.. there was something really not right with that picture. Onwards and upwards !! :)

MstrssPassion -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 4:44:03 PM)
quote: Oumae: Each relationship is different, I completely agree. I am me, I am not nor could I ever be anyone else but me. If I get the sense that I am being sized up as a replacement... I would most likely not be interested in proceeding any further. Not too far off topic... I don't care for the line submissives often toss out as an attempt to make themselves more attractive. They go on & on about being trained, that their previous Mistress fully trained them. This means absolutely nothing as far as I am concerned for the same reason offered above. I am me. My ways are most likely very different than the other woman. The only thing I really care to hear about previous partners is that the involvement is over & there is no loose ends needing to be tied up. I don't want to be dragged into anyone else's issues with a former partner. My life is a drama-free zone

MstrssPassion -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 4:54:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsDominiquenz he had served a Mistress for many years, had the tattoos of ownership and all. That line made me think of a funny moment from a few years back. I was in the first getting to know you stages with a male sub how had been marked with an ownership brand by his previous Mistress... it was her initials on the length of his cock. He asked me if by chance we had the same initials, I looked him dead in the eyes & told him that it really didn't matter if they were the same! That was her mark & that he better really be into some severe CBT because if things worked out for us I would have to scribble out that old brand & mark him with a new one.

MsDominiquenz -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 5:28:41 PM)
Wicked thoughts here Mistress Passion. :)

Proprietrix -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 6:41:10 PM)
First, I think it's great that you are accepting constructive criticism and looking inward. I have had this occur. I don't really take it as a statement that a submissive is trying to make me into their past Dominant. Lots of people have had former relationships and I think it's normal to bring those previous relationships up from time to time, especially in the process of getting to know someone. For me, there's a drastic difference in being 'compared & contrasted' to a former, and being 'measured up' to a former. If I make you eat corn every night and you say "Mistress Yesterday had me eat green beans every night because I like them." I'm not going to be offended. However if you say "Mistress Yesterday must have loved me more than you do because she gave me stuff I like." I'm probably going to be a tad bit pissy. It's also a matter of how often is it going on, and in what context? Did you bring up her green beans because we were having a conversation about D/s choices in vegetables? Or did you bring it up because it's dinner time, and last night at dinner time, and every night at dinner time... Does every conversation seem to lead back to Mistress Yesterday? Am I being compared to her in ever facet of our interaction? But I understand that sometimes its a matter of working that former person out of one's life. Whether it was an awesome relationship and they'll always feel a love for the person. Or it was a crap relationship and they're still feeling hostility. (Which was the case with my gurl). Apparently some closure was lacking when they went seperate ways. I'm ok with a sub trying to work through that closure, as long as I know I'm more to them than their therapy sounding board. Here's what I had my former do. I gave her a marker on a string. She wore it like a necklace. Everytime she mentioned Mr. X, I had her put a tally mark on the back of her hand. She didn't even have to try not to mention him. At the end of the day, she counted the marks, and made a note of them in her journal (where she spent a great deal of time venting about him). At the end of each month, she had to go through and see if the number of marks each day were increasing, decreasing or staying the same. For her, they were steadily decreasing. This (along with her behavior, and her journal entries), showed me that she was gradually making the closure for herself that he never gave her. In time, he became 'just another part of her past'. (I don't know if that made a whole lot of sense without the details. I hope so.) I guess what I'm getting at is that if someone is subconsciously trying to "recreate the past relationship", it may be due to unresolved emotions, that for some reason were repressed. Still in love with the former... resentful of the former... angry at the former... guilt over the breakup... a dozen different possibilities. Also, if you've only had one former Mistress, it makes a great deal of sense that you would use that relationship as a base point for reflection. It's kind of like a freshman in college. He makes a lot of reference to "well, in highschool......" because that's his base point of knowledge regarding education. As he grows and moves on to a sophmore and a junior, he gets to the point where he rarely compares and contrasts to highschool anymore. No need to. He has a bigger, more well rounded base point. As you meet different people in the lifestyle, try new things, have casual get-togethers with different Mistresses, you'll increase your base point of knowledge in the lifestyle, and you'll probably find that you don't have that need to reflect back on that one relationship quite so much. Good luck! :)

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Previous relationship (4/28/2006 10:27:28 PM)
I'm not so sure what they might have meant. I mean, if you came across that way by telling them all about how she was and what she did etc. That maybe you were really tryhng to recreate her in actions and maybe the way she looked. I sure hope I don't come off that way. The only thing I want to recreate about my last Domme is the love that I had for her and the power over me she had. I really loved and respected her that much. But I would never even think about recreating her looks in any way. I guess what I am saying is that I really do miss how she totally owned me heart and soul. I never knew so much pain as when she released me. Not so much because of who she was in the way of looks or even demeanor. I just want her to be able to commmand my heart the way I felt it with my last Domme. Or another way to say it, is the way we interacted with each other. I sure hope this makes sense, But I would never try to find someone just like her. We are all very different. And no doubt when and if I find a Domme that I can first, respect that much, and then love that much, I fully expect her style to be totally different. The only thing I want the same is the love we had...or what I perceived it to be,

MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 12:41:07 PM)
I chatted with a submissive man by phone a while ago and had a similar experience. The difference was that he talked constantly about his deceased wife as opposed to a previous Mistress. They had a vanilla relationship, but he told Me that she controlled most aspects of the relationship. It was kind of eery because I felt like he still loved her very much and was looking to recreate what he had. She had been deceased a few years. Things never progressed because in talking to him, I realized that he had not read My profile thoroughly and had some minor children still living at home, while I am seeking someone who does not have primary or full-time custody of young children. If the child issue had not come up, I am not sure whether I would have pursued a relationship with him or not. He made it sound like things were so perfect with his deceased wife that no other relationship would measure up. Lady Topaz

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 1:09:51 PM)
As a Domina, seeking a slave, I do sometimes feel I am in a Catch-22 position. On the one hand, I would like a boy with some experience. But only for the fact that he is at ease with his decision to live a lifestyle outside of the norm. If he's already lived it, then at least we have that much out of the way, instead of the struggle with "Is this what I really want?" going on. On the other hand, it sometimes seems it would be easier to find a boy who has no ex-Mistress to whom I must be compared. The relationship that ended badly is a real downer. I don't like to listen to constant bitch sessions. But that can actually be easier to work through than the relationship that was deep and wonderful. This can be a major drawback because the slave is, unconsciously, often trying to duplicate that. I did have a boy visit for a week. He had one Mistress previously, for many, many years and had served her as a vanilla from the time he was 13 years old. He was gradually introduced to the lifestyle as he reached his majority age. I heard much too much about this Lady. Lovely though she was, I would never measure up, because the running comments were almost constant regarding Mistress X would have done it like this, or Mistress X always had this attitude, or Mistress X wanted thus and so...you get the idea. I think it is great that you are being made aware that you are falling into the "this is what I am used to" syndrome and willing to open your eyes and try to adjust your expectations. New relationships will always be different, and I do think that many shut themselves off to wonderful opportunities either because they are stuck in the past with another way, or they can't shake off the fantasy that led them here in the place. Or I could have just written..."What Proprietrix said"... Smile

LadyHugs -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 1:32:36 PM)
Dear cockrob, Ladies and Gentlemen; What I see, in my observations and opinions, is closure. Regardless how the relationship ends, there is a period of grief and or to mourn. Until this is manifested and concluded, where it is not the front of the thought and or a transposed goal as to place what was onto what may/could be; one will give the one you are speaking to the sense of needing a shoulder or comfort, rather than a new relationship. Memories are wonderful however, nobody wishes to become part of the memory. What I would seek is to become the beginnings of a new history until it ends, to be a memory. Another thing, I am disturbed by, as an individual in such cases; that they spill out discreet information that should remain in the memory. So, unless the slave or submissive can "re-program" their minds and emotions, their soul as to start over in their attachments, they will be stuck in a repeating song per se. It gets old and its time to turn the record off. In my case, I say good bye and good luck and move on. So, in summary--close the door to the past and open a new door to a new experience. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

theRose4U -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 1:45:23 PM)
quote: I don't care for the line submissives often toss out as an attempt to make themselves more attractive. They go on & on about being trained, that their previous Mistress fully trained them. This means absolutely nothing as far as I am concerned I tend to shy away from boys that tell me how trained they already are. If they belonged to someone else it's likely that their form of address, dress, behavior were all molded by this person. Especially when someone is fresh out of a relationship they haven't dropped any of these customs on their own. It's sometimes easier to start with a blank slate than to have to go through and weed someone elses garden of behaviors that I find offensive or unnecessary. I also have this theory that ex's are in their position for a reason. This is why one of my questions is if I contacted your ex what would they tell me the reason you aren't together is? I don't allow the she was this and that because I believe somewhere in between his story, and her story is the truth. Sometimes the person has enough desirable characteristics that you don't care but many times it's a hint of things to come. My most recent boy as an example would likely say he left because I'm selfish and expect my boys to clean house even when I'm not there, run errands on their day off and puchase my preferences of brand from the store. These things would all be true. My explaination for his departure would be that as a newbie he freaked at not getting his way all the time, that the demands of his constant phone calls for how to run every minute detail of his life and 6-8 more if he didn't understand how to handle a situation became such a burden that when he threw a tantrum about cleaning the house on his day off demanding that things change...I made sure that they did. Sidenote: telling your Domme, either I'm in charge or else because I do everything anyway is a quick way to find yourself alone. But I digress. Trying manners of address that you're used to and not paying attention to what the current perspective Domme wants is a bad idea. Using the ex to make yourself look good, bad idea. Using manners and asking Ma'am what would you like me to call you? Asking how they like things done, asking what THEIR preferences are and learning them will be more valuble to you than what a former mistress preferred. A woman will be more impressed in your using the manners you were taught to respectfully court her. A Domme will be more impressed that you want to know what makes HER tick than anything.

Summarizer -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 1:51:45 PM)
Thread Summarized: If there are things you like about your previous relationship, there is nothing wrong with seeking those same qualities in someone else. Anyone trying to make you feel bad about this is insecure and jealous and probably someone you should avoid.

MsMacComb -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 3:36:01 PM)
Its usually best to leave any lingering baggage at home. [:)]

MistressLina -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 3:59:11 PM)
Well, if your last relationship didn't work, then clearly there was something awry there. I don't know why you'd want to re-create something that wasn't right, but thats your perogative. Understand, however, not all your partners will be able or want to conform to your expectations. It's up to the both of you to come to a happy medium.

theRose4U -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 4:21:40 PM)
Random thought: Finding a new partner in a lot of ways is like getting a new car. You do your best to get the most out of your previous experience and apply that in finding what you now want. If you had success with a Honda you may start looking there but your car was too small so you think SUV. You liked grey until you see the hunter green you can't live without. but it only comes with am radio and manual windows. However you decide that you've found a new thing that you can't live without...heated seats that you never even knew you wanted. So you're willing to compromise on the radio and windows. It all a matter of learning what worked and what didn't and applying this to narrowing down what you're looking for.Every relationship has it's pro's and con's it might be worthwhile to journal on those for a while you may start to see patterns in your previous relationships that you could learn from.

MsMacComb -> RE: Previous relationship (4/29/2006 4:30:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U Finding a new partner in a lot of ways is like getting a new car. You do your best to get the most out of your previous experience and apply that in finding what you now want. If you had success with a Honda you may start looking there but your car was too small so you think SUV. You liked grey until you see the hunter green you can't live without. but it only comes with am radio and manual windows. However you decide that you've found a new thing that you can't live without...heated seats that you never even knew you wanted. So you're willing to compromise on the radio and windows. Random question. What if what you really wanted was a two wheeled Hummer? [:)]

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