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Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 10:59:59 AM

Shadesof

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Joined: 11/25/2010
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Hi all. I'm writing discreetly and as a second post because I'm seeking advice on my relationship. I have a male sub who has been raped 3 years ago by another man much bigger and stronger than he. My sub is almost six feet but was unable to defend himself against a male rapist a few inches taller. Ever since the rape, my sub has been on a mission to become a weight lifter junkie. He's trying to become stronger and bigger as a defense mechanism against the possibility of being raped ever again. Unfortunately he is taking steroids and is becoming more aggressive with each new week. It's interfering with our relationship but he seems addicted to the steroids. I keep trying to reassure him that he won't be raped by a male again because most men respect other peoples right to be free from harm. He sees the world differently. After being raped, he feels most men don't respect human beings right to not be harmed, etc. It saddens me because I'm surrounded by great men who respect other people and who themselves can empathize with rape victims because they themselves would never want to be raped by a bigger man. Anyway, I have pleading with him to seek counseling and so haven't the rest of our roommates here. He has a big support team with our circle of friends. But he feels no one would understand the pain a male rape victim goes through. So my question to you is do you know any man who has been a victim of this sort of crime and if so, did he seek counseling. How did he do in counseling? I hate to bring up a taboo topic but I really want to help my sub. I know alot of you are involved in lt relationships with your subs. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your replies.

Post #: 1

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 11:17:00 AM

Lockit

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I know someone well that was a victim of a well known rapist murderer. He did not get counseling and in a sense self medicated on an emotional sense. What happens is that their sense of safety is taken and that vulnerability and fear will take them to places trying to fend for themselves, which will not work. No matter what he has done so far, your submissive still doesn't feel safe. He is holding on to this so that he can have a false sense of security, thinking it makes him more secure, but the chances are that if someone did try to attack him again, he would freeze or panic. He could go into a murderous rage, but if he is still stuck in a fear phase, he would most likely be unable to use what he has tried to protect himself.

Counseling may be the only way he can find some peace. He was a victim and now thinks like a victim and it doesn't matter if he is a muscle bound man or not, he is still a victim in his own mind. It is the mind that needs healing now.

The steroids could kill him. They are already having an effect on personal relationships. Is he willing to risk death to somehow prove he won't be victimized again? It sure seems he is willing.

I'm afraid in my life, someone in this position would be required to get help. I would go tough love all the way. Someone else victimized him and now he is his own victimizer.I would make some calls and find out if there are any agencies that could help him and then would require he get that help before he kills himself. I know that you cannot force someone to get help or be ready for it, but sometimes, the tough love or intervention does work.

Most rape centers are geared more for women, but some are able to handle male callers. The only way to find out, is to call. Call anyone you think could help, until you find someone that knows of where some help could be found.

Good luck to you and I wish him healing.

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Post #: 2

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 11:22:41 AM

Tantriqu

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Any hospital or rape clinic deals with this, male or female. I also hope he's been retested for STD's.
There are also victims' support groups the police can put you and him in touch with.
If he doesn't stop steroids and seek external help with or without you, you should cut him loose: he is indeed a junkie, putting you and your household at risk for STDs and hepatitis from the needles, let alone the 'roid rage: juicers don't care about their own health let alone yours. An angry depressed traumatised juicer is a recipe for disaster, for him and his friends and lovers.

I hope he gets help, and he can start living his life again.
Good luck to you both.

(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 3

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 11:39:07 AM

vancraft

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Joined: 8/4/2010
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yup

i can relate alot, when i was younger i had several incidents of sexual and physical assault, after that i sought to bulk up and harden myself in any and all ways, i never used them but debated on steriods for a few years, got jumped into a gang and one point, tried to kill every part of myself that i deemed weak (gay/submissive sides and so on). i wanted to never be the victum again the best way to do this in my fucked thinking was to become the predator, emotionally numb, intimadating and cruel.

the warning i give to any male going through that crap. it worked.
from the ages of 14-16 i did not cry, ever. i could walk up alone to a group of guys all bigger than me and talk them down and intimidate them all, i got really good at being a bad guy, yeah it was awesome in a really dark way

at 16 my family was having some really hard times, 2 of the strongest people i have ever met my mom and older sister were completely balling their eyes out in front of me.
describing what happened to me at that moment is hard. i feel discription downplays it all.
i sat there and had no emotion, at all, i reconised i should feel pain, saddness but i just felt nothing.

it was one of the darkest moments of my life, i sought destruction over healing for so long. my advice to any male in this situation is this, your want to take power back can kill you far more than any predator out there.

here are some sites with some forums and info, alot of them dealing specificly with male survivor/victums and their issues
http://isurvive.org/
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php
http://www.1in6.org/

Crisis helpline:
https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 4

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 1:02:07 PM

LadyPact

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Don't be sorry to bring up the topic. It's a worthwhile discussion and I sincerely hope that it will help your sub and others out there. I am terribly sorry for what happened to him. I very much hope that he will get the help that he needs and that he will begin healing.

I wish I had some advice for you. I apologize that I don't. I just wanted to wish you and your sub the best of luck and send My hopes for the situation to improve.

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Post #: 5

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 2:01:21 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Weightlifting drugs are NOT safe. He needs to get off those things!

I am with Lockit, he needs help and support from professionals and other rape survivors. He does NOT need a d/s relationship. I would drive his ass to a support, group therapy, whatever. Having your feeling of personal "wholeness" disrupted is a terrible thing, and until he gets past that, nothing will feel right. (Reasonably speaking, he is not likely to get raped again, right?)

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Post #: 6

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 6:46:27 PM

WestBaySlave

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I'm 6'8" and was raped by a man shorter than me. Being big; being strong, neither of these things are guarantees of safety, just as being raped isn't a sign of weakness. If you're knocked unconscious; if the other person has a gun or the like, there's not a lot you can do. It's not worth ruining your health with dangerous drugs for a bit of extra physical strength, as much as personal tragedies like these are liable to cause self-destructive behavior.

Other than that I don't know that I can offer good advice, as when I look at my own handling of being raped I did everything wrong... I didn't report for a long while out of shame, I took it out on those around me, I put off testing for STDs until long after, and I made a bunch of mistakes in that vein. Even now I have a level of background level of anger and an easily-flaring temper I never had before.

While it would have been great to have an uncritical, supportive partner during this time rather than going through it alone, I don't think you're in a position where you can help him with these things. He needs help by professionals and the companionship of those who've been through what he has.

(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 7

RE: Male rape victim - 11/25/2010 7:11:03 PM

MasterFireMaam

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*cut and pasted from FetLife, where you asked the question earlier this week... *

While therapy is certainly the answer, it won't do any good unless 1) he recognizes he has a problem and 2) he actually wants to go to therapy. If neither of these things are true, you may have to reevaluate your role in the relationship, much like another other person who is in a relationship with an active addict.
We hope he does choose to get help. It is usually a huge egoic blow to a man to be raped... and an even harder journey to admit it and seek help.
Master Fire

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(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 8

RE: Male rape victim - 11/26/2010 6:23:40 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

I keep trying to reassure him that he won't be raped by a male again because most men respect other peoples right to be free from harm.

When people try to reassure me that it can never happen again, I see them as naieve, needing to keep this illusion to preserve their own sense of security. If it can happen the first time, we know that it could happen again. This is just my own opinion, my own gut reaction, I am not trying to be offensive.

Most people are leery of going for counseling, as we are sitting in a room with many others, probably for hours, and people are asking..."Why are you here?"

Something I said in confidance to a shrink here in WV found it's way back to my sister in Texas. (Hippa is only good for suing people later, and is no guarantee that someone won't tell their spouse, who tells it to their drinking buddies, or who phones an ex-girlfriend from high school to say, "Guess what your sister told her therapist, my wife...")

Telling others opens onesself up to snide remarks, being told to "get over it", or lectured on how it is impossible to really rape someone. <rolls eyes> I have known het men who wouldn't say a thing because other men might treat them as gay. He has a lot of issues he will be dealing with for a long time, and I agree with what another poster said about talking with other male rape victims. The best help I got was not from years of therapy, but from rape crisis hotlines. It's okay to phone even years later, and the peer counselors I spoke with...all had something in common with me. They had been raped too; it created a bond of understanding that could not be shared with anyone else. It was very healing.

If I am ever faced with this...after a long talk, I would put my foot down about the steroids. Bulking up his muscles fast may sound like a good idea to him, but finding out which martial arts was best for dirty street fighting for self defence might sound even better. He won't need to bulk up for this, and it will train his reflexes so that he might feel more in control of self defense next time. If his arse was violated, maybe a metal chastity shield over his butt would give him some sense of security, though it would certainly be inconvenient. I would also make him go to those links posted, and sit beside him so we could both read them together, as I would want to better understand what he was going through. If sometimes he needed privacy, I would be okay with that as sometimes I need cave time as well.

Healing is a process that takes time. There is no instant magical cure. With a little help from his friends, and sometimes peer pressure and growling over these steroids, he can start taking baby steps towards healing himself.

I had to find security within myself before I could start to lose some of my seige mentality and heal. Numbness is a lot easier, as I am sure anger and determination and good pain (weight lifting) might be taking the place of the numbness many of us feel for a while...but healing is rough. Nighmares. Night terrors. Flashbacks. Things that trigger bad memories like certain colognes and what I call "ugly anniversaries." There were times when the only thing that could break through my numbed feelings was physical pain. When my emotions got turned back on again for brief times, it was very intense in a bad way. During numb times, I didn't want to talk with anyone about it, but when emotions kicked into high gear that's when I caved in and looked for help.

It can be a very bumpy ride with one step forward and two steps back. A friend of mine's husband had this happen, and years later he still couldn't endure anyone touching his (even fully clothed) butt for any reason, not even his own wife. She was surprised that he still hadn't "gotten over it" but accepted this as one of his hard limits, in a vanilla way.

Sorry to hear that this happened...and you know, it might not be a bad idea if you went to those web sites and told them what you told us here. As part of their own healing, others will share with you so you can understand what your man is going through, and maybe some of them tried to deal with it in the same way your guy is trying to. I would also phone a male friendly rape crisis hotline and ask for advice...they might know of a counseling group in your area that is made up of males who had been raped.

Good luck to you and yours.

(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 9

RE: Male rape victim - 11/26/2010 3:39:35 PM

sweetsub1957

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~FR~
It's misleading to tell someone they will never get raped again. No one knows that for sure. People can and do get raped more than once. Men and women both. I was. And just because someone is bigger or stronger, that doesn't necessarily stop it from happenings. A gun or a knife threatening your life can change things.

~sweetsub~

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Post #: 10

RE: Male rape victim - 11/26/2010 6:57:30 PM

Hillwilliam

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2 words

Martial arts

It isnt the end all, be all but those who are competent practicioners tend to walk more confidently. They tend to have an 'aura' that those looking for a weak victim avoid.

It develops confidence. It develops discipline. It develops inner peace, It develops situational awareness.

If worst comes to worst, it develops the ability to kick the crap out of someone 100+ pounds heavier but that generally isnt needed.

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Post #: 11

RE: Male rape victim - 11/27/2010 5:04:05 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

So my question to you is do you know any man who has been a victim of this sort of crime and if so, did he seek counseling. How did he do in counseling?

I have counseled several male rape victims, as well as several males in domestic violence situations. EVERY rape victim, whether male or female, that I have ever worked with has that feeling that NOBODY will understand what they're going through. That is not a uniquely male characteristic, though it is more common to be verbalized among men because our culture does not really discuss the issue of males being raped.

The only way to get some healing and resolution on this is to get counseling. Any rape-crisis center in your area certainly has a list of groups or counselors who are trained in the specific needs of male rape victims. A large proportion of the men who seek counseling -do- find some peace.

Anabolic steroids, taken in quantity over time, are a death sentence. You can let your sub know that he is essentially doing his rapist's job -for- him, if he continues on this path. The best revenge is living WELL... and steroids will steal away his life. They weaken the heart, the bones, the liver, the kidneys, and the neural system. They also induce paranoia, depression, and psychotic states in many chronic users, which will make getting help with his issues more difficult.

I would -strongly- recommend a voluntary admission into a rehab as a starting point. He'll need medical assistance to get off the steroids, from what you've described, and the inpatient environment will provide a place of safety from which he can begin the long process of healing. Once he's started therapy, there will be opportunities for "family therapy", where those whom he cares about can participate in the process of healing. Please take advantage of these, as things like this reach out tendrils into a family and can either strengthen or weaken that communal sense, depending on the participation of everyone involved in the healing process. In the end, though, until he gets help, he will continue to feel like, and behave like, a victim -- and that is going to end up jeopardizing not only himself, but all of those he cares about.

If he is violent towards you or towards any members of your household, CALL FOR HELP. As much as I know that you don't want to do it, call the cops. Individuals who are in psychotic fugue states from steroids ('roid rage) are typically nearly uncontrollable, and are not able to make healthy rational choices to cease their behavior. Individuals in this state are dangerous, and are nearly impossible to stop alone. In addition, if it reaches that point, having to call the police will assure that he will get necessary treatment -- by court order if he won't do so on his own. I will have to disagree with Master Fire on this one. It's been my experience that those who become violent due to anger responses from situations like this (rather than internal pathology like schizophrenia or psychosis), and who end up doing something where they run afoul of the law and are -forced- into therapy by court order, when they would not seek out therapy on their own, and who are required to attend sessions whether or not they wish to do so as a feature of probation/parole, often -do- still find healing from the process. I've seen good results myself, and these have been confirmed by other providers, over the years, for those of us providing pastoral care or psychological/psychiatric care in prisons to both male and female individuals who were jailed after they committed acts of violence either in retaliation for, or brought about by either rape or domestic violence.

Please feel free to contact me on the other side if you feel the need.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/27/2010 5:10:48 AM >

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(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 12

RE: Male rape victim - 12/2/2010 11:14:50 AM

Shadesof

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Ms. Lockit, thanks for your advice. I've never thought about the possibility of him freezing up during another potential rape. This surely defeats the purpose of bulking up. I think because of the psychological trauma he endured, he will become paralyzed if another incident happened again. One never know for sure but you're probably right. And he definitely fears being attacked again so we all worry about his constant usage of the steroids. I have to go back to work now but I'll finish writing again.Thank you all so much.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 13

RE: Male rape victim - 12/2/2010 1:28:10 PM

MsAmirah

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He desperately needs to be off drugs and in counseling. I hope he gets the treatment he needs. It sounds like he has a wonderful support network, but he needs to be clean and have the services of a professional counselor.

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Post #: 14

RE: Male rape victim - 12/3/2010 3:35:36 PM

hausboy

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Rape does happen to all genders--I have found that my male friends who experienced rape are less likely to report it, less likely to discuss it and more likely to find unhealthy ways to suppress it. When a close male friend of mine was raped back in college, I gave him the number of a sexual assault/rape hotline, where regrettably, he became a victim a second time when the person handling the hotline not only refused to assist him, but made him feel responsible--and presented a clear bias against him because he was male. Terrible--it shouldn't have happened.

Nevertheless, all survivors of sexual assault/rape can benefit from a counselor--I found it helpful to work with one who was experienced working with rape survivors. Martial arts did help slightly--it was empowering--but there are two deeper issues here that require assistance far greater than martial arts: substance abuse counseling and talk therapy are a must.

There are men survivor groups out there--see if you can locate one in your area, or at least find a therapist that your sub will feel comfortable with. Group therapy was very helpful for me. The substance issues are serious--as others have mentioned--steroids can kill. He may never feel big enough or strong enough--good therapy with trained professionals or a group therapy with a trained facilitator will hopefully help him feel whole again, and strong enough for this world. I can't tell you he'll ever feel safe again the way he did before the rape, but there are many others out there like him, who eventually find a way to return to some state of normalcy.

Good luck, and my heart goes out to him and you. I hope you all find the help you'll need to get through these challenges.

< Message edited by hausboy -- 12/3/2010 3:37:08 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Male rape victim - 12/5/2010 10:21:30 AM

TexasMaam

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The first thing he needs is help getting off of the steriods. Steroid rage is a real and terrifying psychosis. Get him some help before it happens.

While he can run faster than a speeding bullet, leap higher than a skycraper on steroids, the damage he is doing to his brain is irreversible and the longer it goes on the worse the damage will be. Not to mention damage to other major organs, the onset of diabetes and the total destruction of his immune system.

Hand in hand with steroid withdrawal should be some in depth training on self defense, tai kwon do or karate based. A bigger, heftier bulk does not a self defense master make. Self defense is about leverage and control, it's not about power.

Along with the self defense training will come the confidence and nutritional goals that will maximize long lean muscle mass and agility as opposed to brute strength.

He's not going to get there on his own. He'll need an epiphany to make the change. A trip to a good orthopedic surgeon who can talk to him about the long term effects of steriod use is a good start, find one who treats a nearby collegiate or professional set of football or baseball players. I'm near Houston so we have some very remarkable Orthopedic specialists in this area, any college town will, too. They have the experience in treating and in rehabilitating athletes on steroids to know what the repercussions are, and they are the most adamant ambassadors for avoiding steroid abuse that you can find.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Texas Maam

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Post #: 16

RE: Male rape victim - 12/5/2010 1:24:08 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadesof

Hi all. I'm writing discreetly and as a second post because I'm seeking advice on my relationship. I have a male sub who has been raped 3 years ago by another man much bigger and stronger than he. My sub is almost six feet but was unable to defend himself against a male rapist a few inches taller. Ever since the rape, my sub has been on a mission to become a weight lifter junkie. He's trying to become stronger and bigger as a defense mechanism against the possibility of being raped ever again. Unfortunately he is taking steroids and is becoming more aggressive with each new week. It's interfering with our relationship but he seems addicted to the steroids.

Speaking as a personal trainer who has researched the subject pretty well, steroids don't in and of themselves make you behave aggressively. Roid rage is largely a myth. What they can do is exacerbate existing emotional issues by increasing mood swings and initially increasing then sharply decreasing sexual drive and ability. They can also cause long term and very serious damage to your heart, liver and kidneys.

Steroids need to be cycled for maximum effect as well as for medical safety. It is a common problem that the people on them find it difficult and depressing to go off cycle, so they stay "on" for much longer than is safe or effective, and eventually there is a crash and a hormonal rebound and shutdown effect that has all kinds of really ugly consequences, including losing the muscle mass you ruined your health to gain. If someone you love is addicted to steroids, and it's not an uncommon problem, they seriously need help and intervention before they do themselves irreversible damage.

I'm not of the "never use steroids" school, incidentally. I do feel that safe and effective use is possible if done intelligently, but part of doing it intelligently is having your full cycle ready and knowing when to switch to the "off" part of the cycle where you are taking support meds rather than the actual steroids for a substantial length of time. It sounds like he isn't going "off" for emotional reasons, and that is a big, big problem.

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Post #: 17

RE: Male rape victim - 12/5/2010 1:46:16 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
Anabolic steroids, taken in quantity over time, are a death sentence.

Water, taken in quantity over time, is a death sentence. The trick here is specifying what quantity and over what time.

Anabolic and androgenic steroids are rather stronger than water, and generally require intelligent medical monitoring to be used safely and effectively. Carefully calculating a medically safe dose of steroids requires a whole lot more know-how than deciding how much water to drink. But it's simply untrue to say that it is impossible to use steroids and remain healthy. Steroids can be used as well as abused, and there are plenty of medical conditions that do warrant their long term use.

A whole lot of women take steroids every day and have done so for years. Hormonal birth control is achieved via the same metabolic pathways, and I don't hear anyone arguing that it should be banned or that it is a death sentence over time. Birth control certainly does have health risks, but it is up to the individual to choose whether those risks are acceptable to them.

Obviously, athletes injecting ridiculously supraphysiological amounts of hormone in medically inadvisable doses with no medical monitoring can get into serious trouble. They're being stupid with a very powerful drug and likely to end up with irreversible cardiovascular, hepatic and renal damage. Don't be stupid with steroids or it will kill you. But demonizing them to the point that you are actually telling lies about steroids is not effective. All that does is make people not believe *anything* you say about the actual risks of taking these drugs. There are risks, but the truth needs to be told about what they are, and what they are not. The hard medical fact is that steroids can be used safely and intelligently, and trying to tell people that they can't will only cause them to point at you and go, "bullshit". And they'll be right.

quote:

Individuals who are in psychotic fugue states from steroids ('roid rage) are typically nearly uncontrollable, and are not able to make healthy rational choices to cease their behavior.

Roid rage is a myth. Even in supraphysiological doses, hormones don't affect the part of the brain that makes decisions and exercises impulse control, even if they do strengthen the impulses. Someone with poor impulse control to begin with can be in trouble if they experience strong hormonally mediated mood swings, but androgenic and particularly anabolic steroids are insufficient to cause genuine mental illness. They can make an already unstable situation worse however, and that does sound like what the OP is describing. This individual IMO should not be using.

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Post #: 18

RE: Male rape victim - 12/5/2010 2:02:05 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I agree, or it can, not that it always will. My therapists daughter was always one to look down an never have any confidence, she says after martial arts her daughter is so happy and so full of confidence an will actually look people in the eye now. And personally for my Daddy, who's always suffered from severe depression and has had mental health illnesses all his life, since about 9 or 10, and is always at a low level emotionally and self esteme wise, it's already done a world of good for his mental health, and his pychical health, he's only been doing it for about a month now, and his Sensay, says he's already improved his flexibility quite a lot, and I notice Daddy isn't as irrational as he can be when stress comes in an starts kicking his self esteme and mood. With the help of therapy, we've been going as a couple, , and martial arts he now opens up and TALKS about how he feels instead of bottling it all up and hiding it away till it's raw enough that the slightest pressure breaks open the wound and it';s a disaster. He's much happier, every one can tell.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

It develops confidence. It develops discipline. It develops inner peace, It develops situational awareness.

If worst comes to worst, it develops the ability to kick the crap out of someone 100+ pounds heavier but that generally isnt needed.

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Post #: 19

Rape Survival - 12/5/2010 4:20:39 PM

pyroaquatic

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Unfortunately I have experience when it comes to this. The memory is twelve years old but I can still vividly recall those events. In hindsight I am lucky to be alive and not dead and missing.

Strength does not come from muscle. Strength comes from what your submissive decides to do with his memory. He may see victim, I see survivor.

It took me five years to come to terms with what had happened. Within that span I felt pity and rage. There was no respite and no justice because I was too afraid to speak to anyone about it. Victim, Victim, Victim repeating the same vile thoughts over and over again.

Group Therapy, Psychologists, Doctors... years of therapy just to break those thoughts.

So instead of wanting to chop off the testicles of every man I meet I can now tolerate them (to a point) and I simply shut my mouth and pass along.
It helps to have someone to relate to. One who understands and has indeed been there. Your submissive cannot pull out of that hole alone.

I wish you the best of luck. The both of you will need it and the path to recovery is a long one. Just remember that there is a possibility that your submissive may never fully recover. Just be there for him and someday he will be pulling other victims out of their holes and turning them into survivors.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to Shadesof)

Post #: 20

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Male rape victim

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