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RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 6:48:11 AM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		Approach him and tell him your needs, its that simple. I know easier said than done. Most times people who are not into this, are simply not into this, and it may not go far after.

(in reply to chasingbliss)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 7:05:09 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There are other reasons guys like to tie up girls. The Man views my body as his canvas, and rope as an artistic expression. Plus of course, the whole begging to be sexually used thing is exciting. But I don't think he views it as purely a physical expression of the control he has over me.



Agree whole heartedly. When a girl is bound to all four corners it is likely to be a several hour dance between Dom and submissive. She is indeed a canvas to explore our mutual desires yet again with the Dom's various "brushes".

For the OP, For a dom to be a Dom who desires to explore and enjoy a woman in rope, the Dom must first have a propensity for thinking out of the box, a large and sadistic imagination, be in complete control of his evil desires, and rather than simply wanting to make love, want to see her in collar and rope and heels as the helpless and exotic sex slave she surely was born to be and explore her true nature with her.

He must also not shy away from seeing her soft skin marked and bruised by his attentions. He must steel himself so he does not falter or hesitate when she cries out for mercy and tears and sobs utter forth aplenty from the helpless innocent maiden who lies there only for your evil pleasures. He must also believe the session is for the sub just as well as the Dom.

It is no small thing for a man to turn this corner. It takes a desire, it takes confidence and education and work. If he has the desire, the confidence will come with education. Education can be had from two very good books, "The Loving Dominate" and "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns". These books can be used by both of you to stimulate the senses, help you both agree on the path your journey will take and well explain the nuts and bolts of this whole big world of BDSM that I and others call "sexual Magic".

Well wishes,
Arturas and star

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 10:10:54 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		I had a fling with a guy once who really, really wanted to be dominant because he really, really wanted me. He tried a bunch of stuff - tying me up, fucking me roughly, taking what he wanted instead of asking what I wanted - but he kept making sure I wasn't uncomfortable and was enjoying myself, and then afterwards he said something like, "so, next time you can tie me up, right?"

In my opinion, there's just a huge difference between someone who grabs a fistful of your hair and tells you to get on your fucking knees because he wants you down and sucking and someone who pushes you to your knees because he knows you enjoy it. The latter just isn't a Dom.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 10:56:08 AM   
chasingbliss


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/26/2010
Status: offline 		Update for the masses.
I truly appreciate everyones input. I have had bdsm friendships but never had bdsm in a love relationship. For me, it seems the ultimate in what a relationship between two could ever be. As rare and elusive as an ocelot.

We had a discussion last night and this came up. He is actually more open to it then I thought. This talk made me realize how much we need to discuss. There is some compromise to be made. Although he is willing to go there, I know he doesn't fully grasp what being in that moment is going to be like.
Arturus & star, thank you for the book recommendations. I may get both.
It's exciting to know he's thought about doing these things. I love him and want this so badly to be a part of our dynamic. I'm a better girlfriend when put in my place. I know there is still an amount of discussion before we begin but just knowing it will begin makes me a happy girl.
I really appreciate all your advice. Communication seems to be the key at this point in the juncture..and most likely a vital element throughout..that & respect.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 11:39:55 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There are other reasons guys like to tie up girls. The Man views my body as his canvas, and rope as an artistic expression. Plus of course, the whole begging to be sexually used thing is exciting. But I don't think he views it as purely a physical expression of the control he has over me.


Celeste, my point is that bondage isn't just about kink and spicing up sex etc. Nor is it purely about physical control, either - though it can be. As posted, "my whim or mood" covers a lot of territory.

And re "artistic", yeah, I can be quite anal about the ropework being neat, tidy, symmetrical, not excessive as to detract from her beauty yet still giving her NO chance of escaping (control) without distracting, hurting or injuring her, either. Yeah - any fool can tie someone up.... lol

I don't go through all that just for sexual gratification; that *sometimes* I want her tied, helpless and vulnerable (naked, for eg) purely to enjoy that surreal feeling of utter control (dom-space) that D/s offers and enables. Seems to others that that (tied up girl) can be "boring" - something I'll never get.... Hell, I suddenly get interested in a cop show when some woman's getting the cuffs slapped on. lol

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 11:45:48 AM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chasingbliss

Greetings,

I have an issue I am struggling with and hope to find some helpful answers here. My man is a dominant man but not a Dom. In fact, before me, there has never been a woman that's wanted it rough the way i do in the bedroom. I'm a bedroom submissive,i love being made helpless and enjoy s&m. He has used a riding crop on me when i have asked but i want this to be more. The relationships going on a half year now and my needs are only growing. I want him to put me in distress and enjoy my distress. I desire to be bound, blindfolded, have a ball gag in my mouth and be flogged. I genuinely believe this would not only enhance our relationship but ensure it continues. He is everything wonderful so I have let this need be put on a shelf for a time now.

My question to you all is this: how do I approach him and let him know my needs, the importance of this to me without sounding whiney, without making him feel like he isn't good enough or lacking? He knows I have these needs, we discussed them in the beginning of the relationship but at that time he didn't want to jump right into it, said he had ideas but time has passed and I feel like he may be afraid to hurt me, afraid he will lose me if he does these things because I am looking distressed when bound and beaten. He is a good man. I feel it's critical to approach this the correct way.

Is there a way to encourage this and inititate a scene, to see if it brings some enjoyment not only to me but also to him? I want this so bad, how would you suggest i go about it in a proper fashion?


Ironically, most submissives here post threads that are the exact opposite. They have a kinky bedroom player for a partner, but wish he were truly a dominant man in all aspects. You've got the dominant man but he's not being as kinky in bed as you'd like. Hilarious, actually!

As for your concerns, it sounds like you haven't been keeping the communication open. Your relationship is suffering because of it. Smarten up girl.


_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to chasingbliss)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 11:52:54 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

I had a fling with a guy once who really, really wanted to be dominant because he really, really wanted me. He tried a bunch of stuff - tying me up, fucking me roughly, taking what he wanted instead of asking what I wanted - but he kept making sure I wasn't uncomfortable and was enjoying myself, and then afterwards he said something like, "so, next time you can tie me up, right?"


Whoa - bummerrrrrr! lol

Played out that little nightmare in an early nilla relationship. We had fun with her all tied up. After I (reluctantly) released her she was all "ok, your turn" - and we had that argument about what a spoil-sport and hypocrite etc I was.... *gasp*

Worst part was that that was technically true. Damned confusing times....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 12:18:08 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chasingbliss

My man is a dominant man but not a Dom.

I want him to put me in distress and enjoy my distress. I desire to be bound, blindfolded, have a ball gag in my mouth and be flogged. I genuinely believe this would not only enhance our relationship but ensure it continues.

Is there a way to encourage this and inititate a scene, to see if it brings some enjoyment not only to me but also to him? I want this so bad, how would you suggest i go about it in a proper fashion?


Wait a moment- what you are describing is a list of your needs, your fantasies, and your sexual desires, and you want to maneuver him into not only performing them, but getting him to like it.

Do his needs and and desires count for anything here? Or is this about bedroom role playing?

I think the problem is that your man is, in fact, of the dominant personality- he wants to dominate the relationship, and have his needs and desires prevail, and for you to serve him.

You might have more success by dropping the notion of Dominance and submission, and thinking more in terms of kink and fetish; You are an equal party to the relationship, and you have kink needs that need to be met by a service top.

(in reply to chasingbliss)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 1:42:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		And op, dominance is not determined by sadism. He could well be Dominant, but not sadistic. If so, then maybe you need to brainstorm ways of getting your pain needs met such as both of you going to dungeons and him finding people to top you while he does aftercare. 

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 1:48:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50



Celeste, my point is that bondage isn't just about kink and spicing up sex etc. Nor is it purely about physical control, either - though it can be. As posted, "my whim or mood" covers a lot of territory.


Focus.


I think my point was that for some people it can be just about kink and sex. And sometimes it can be about different things for the same person. Sometimes it's control, sometimes it's art and sometimes it's just sexual. Depends on both our moods, I guess. And no matter what it's about, it's fine if it's just that for the people involved as long as they're both fine with it.

I haven't ever wanted to tie him up but I have picked up a couple of toys and run them over his leg, wanting to know if he had the same reaction to them that I do. Not in order to be revenged or get control, just curiosity. Well, there might have been a little hope of revenge but the truth is that he has a higher pain tolerance than I do so it didn't do anything nor give me the desired feedback. Continued experience with this thing has taught me that I loathe the damned thing and should repack the toy bag with this at the very bottom!


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 2:25:03 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And op, dominance is not determined by sadism. He could well be Dominant, but not sadistic. If so, then maybe you need to brainstorm ways of getting your pain needs met such as both of you going to dungeons and him finding people to top you while he does aftercare. 


IMO: Being controlling and being sadistic (emotionally or physically) are unrelated to a person's ability to lead or influence people around them. (Regardless of how you want to label those things.)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 9:37:25 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
I had a fling with a guy once who really, really wanted to be dominant because he really, really wanted me. He tried a bunch of stuff - tying me up, fucking me roughly, taking what he wanted instead of asking what I wanted - but he kept making sure I wasn't uncomfortable and was enjoying myself, and then afterwards he said something like, "so, next time you can tie me up, right?"

Played out that little nightmare in an early nilla relationship. We had fun with her all tied up. After I (reluctantly) released her she was all "ok, your turn" - and we had that argument about what a spoil-sport and hypocrite etc I was.... *gasp*

Worst part was that that was technically true. Damned confusing times....


Yeah, mine was like that too. He got frustrated with me, as if I was being selfish by insisting on being the submissive one all the time. I was basically like "but...I'm submissive. I'm not like role playing here - I can't do dominant!"

I actually tried it for a few minutes, but I make a lousy domme. I can't even bring myself to capitalize the "d," I was so bad at it

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/27/2010 10:20:11 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
I had a fling with a guy once who really, really wanted to be dominant because he really, really wanted me. He tried a bunch of stuff - tying me up, fucking me roughly, taking what he wanted instead of asking what I wanted - but he kept making sure I wasn't uncomfortable and was enjoying myself, and then afterwards he said something like, "so, next time you can tie me up, right?"

Played out that little nightmare in an early nilla relationship. We had fun with her all tied up. After I (reluctantly) released her she was all "ok, your turn" - and we had that argument about what a spoil-sport and hypocrite etc I was.... *gasp*

Worst part was that that was technically true. Damned confusing times....


Yeah, mine was like that too. He got frustrated with me, as if I was being selfish by insisting on being the submissive one all the time. I was basically like "but...I'm submissive. I'm not like role playing here - I can't do dominant!"

I actually tried it for a few minutes, but I make a lousy domme. I can't even bring myself to capitalize the "d," I was so bad at it


It's hard to do the reverse of your own passion.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/28/2010 1:22:54 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

I'm not like role playing here - I can't do dominant!"

I actually tried it for a few minutes, but I make a lousy domme. I can't even bring myself to capitalize the "d," I was so bad at it


I had a former sub "try dominant".... It was the morning after a vigorous session and she was admiring her red butt in the mirror. She was in quite a frisky mood and picked up the crop I'd used on her and began shadow-sparring with it, and telling me what a great domme she'd make etc....

So I said "ok", and rolled over (on the bed) and presented my bare butt for her to have a go. Suddenly she wasn't so sure; she was out of her comfort zone.... But I wasn't having it and encouraged her to try. She makes one strike that wouldn't have wounded a skeeter.

"Izzat all you've got, Mistress???", I enquired. She strikes a bit harder and I let out an almighty yelp and it was like those old Warner cartoons where the road-runner makes an atomic-powered exit. It was kinda surreal with the crop seemingly suspended in mid air and all that remained of her was a cloud of dust and a loud scream fading into the distance. God I laughed.... Took her some 30 seconds to figger (from me still laughing) that it was safe to stick her head around the door. "*ME* Dom; you sub!" was my final word on it - after even more (mutual) laughing....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/28/2010 4:19:54 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I'm with Focus on this -- a Man has to make his own decision, if this was something that comes naturally to him -- especially when he is dealing with a woman who has explained she enjoys this -- and he is the man for this particular woman then it would be showing by now.  He is already expressing his dominance it sounds like -- it just sounds like he isn't doing it in the way you want him too.  He would have taken the initiative to do his own homework and start looking into it to see if this is something he would be interested in exploring as an expression concept.  At the very least, if he was completely clueless as to how to look into it, he would have asked you questions and inquired where to find info etc. 

YOU can't turn him into anything --- first of all if you say he is a dominant man then he is a dominant man.  There is no dominant man and Dominant man.   His expression of same is what you want him to change and then you get into an oxy-moron concept -- if he changes because you want him too will he maintain his dominance you now see in him?  HE has to want to do this and from what you have written its not something he is interested in at the moment.   And if you try to direct him into molding himself into what YOU want him to be -- who exactly is the sub and who is then the Dom?

This is going to have to be something he not only decides but he will have to do his own research and determine for himself how he wishes to express his dominance.   Since you have stated he is a dominant man, he is expressing himself as a dominant man -- it just isn't good enough for what you want.  Perhaps this man simply isn't the man you need as a submissive. 

There is also a difference between a dominant man and playing a certain way.  It sounds like you want him to explore different ways of playing and being kinky in bed -- there is a big difference between this and a man becoming a dominant man (dominance tends to exist outside the bedroom and is a whole concept of the man).  If you want him to explore different things with regard to kink and playing, get some books on the subject and spend sometime reading them WITH him etc.  

Be careful determing as the sub what the Man should become.  You may find yourself vastly disappointed with the molded concept you come up with because he really is doing all of this for your benefit not his own.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/28/2010 6:37:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The book suggestions you've gotten are great when it comes to dominance but not the best choices for someone who is uncertain of how to do things safely. The how to bibles that are by Jay Wiseman; Erotic Bondage and S & M 101. Because he needs to know how to do this without causing lasting harm. 

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/28/2010 7:30:18 AM   
chasingbliss


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/26/2010
Status: offline 		I think we will be just fine. I have taken Jeff's advice and started the communication between us. It has transformed what was into something even more beautiful and all we have done is talk. I love him, he loves me. I have called him Daddy for sometime and I am his little girl. He is very much a Daddy figure and I am an eternal little girl. Part of why things haven't happened, are due to lack of communication. I'm not sure if he is as sadistic as some yet I have been spanked and slapped, pinched, ect... To give reasons for why's of why he has never gone there with a woman before would be explaining life history and becoming too personal. I cherish the love I am showered with and cherish the way he takes my love and appreciates me. My need for being "under the thumb" more and longing to be rendered helpless and in distress...there are more talks to be had, negotitions to be made, a book or two more to be read. Currently, just talking about things I've left build up inside me for so long has been a release and drawn us closer. Part of the magic of bdsm just isn't in the pain and the power exchange, for me, it's in the incredibly intimate bond you create. The trust and respect. There is nothing like it I've found in the vanilla world.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: how to turn a dominant man into a Dominant man - 11/28/2010 9:05:56 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Well, it's good to know you're mostly happy and found a way to be happier.

quote:


I have called him Daddy for sometime and I am his little girl. He is very much a Daddy figure and I am an eternal little girl.

You never made it clear that's something you wanted and were getting.

(in reply to chasingbliss)
Profile   Post #: 38
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