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Mercnbeth -> RE: advice for a new Dom (10/1/2004 12:23:17 PM)
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jenn,
Sex and his focus on it makes much more sense knowing your past relationship with this man. It may be something as basic as that what he expects, or even that's what he expects you expect. It is no easy task to educate someone regarding the mental and spiritual side of a M/s or D/s relationship. I would think that there must me some foundation or inherent ability to dominate within a person. But, having the desire to learn is a good foundation to build upon. That recognition that he needs to learn indicates that he already resigned to the fact that he doesn't know. Sometimes that is the hardest hurdle to overcome.
Appreciate that people learn in different ways. you're fortunate to know the man for 14 years. How does he accomplish things? When putting something together does he read the instructions completely before starting, read them as he goes, tosses the instructions and just builds is, or looks at the completed picture and figures it out? Maybe it's a combination of ways. you've given him a written reference with castle realm, but where does he go to apply what he read, or better yet to ask questions that he has about what he's read? Although you are a good source, you have the wrong perspective.
He will have the decision if your relationship is more important than his perceived shame of learning from a Mentor. you obviously have gone through a difficult time of self realization to get where you are in life. Be careful, that your ex is just not placating you showing an attempt to learn to achieve sex. Maybe that is ALL he wants, and is willing to do anything to get it. He wouldn't be the first.
I don't think anyone can just learn and become a Dom or Master. You really have to want to, in fact you really have to NEED to.
you obviously have a local Dom or BDSM group in your area that you feel comfortable enough to ask to mentor him, if you ex is serious enough give him that person's name and phone number and put the process in his hands. As you say, and I couldn't agree more - TRUST must be at the core. He has to trust you well enough to allow himself to open up to the Mentor without fear of feeling inadequate. It's one thing to confess the need to learn to a wife you are trying to reconcile with, quite another to do so with someone outside that relationship. He'll need you to support him and you'll need to communicate your confidence in him to succeed.
Merc & beth
PS - Boy am I glad we read the thread to get more details before we answered. It was good to know more details. Usually I don't read beyond the question because I don't want what someone else says to effect my comments.
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