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need help. - 11/29/2010 2:15:05 AM   
SirDragonKing


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/23/2010
Status: offline 		I am new to being a Dominate to my submissive wife of 17 yrs. and she says she desires to serve me.

We used to have a D/s relationship before I got deployed to Korea and she had our daughter. but, my being gone she had to become a dominate one and take care off all decisions now she wants to resume this relationship.

My problem is coming up with different ways to punish her for not doing as told.
I am a spanking type of person and my first thought is to give her a few licks on the ass.

But, I slap her ass when we are having sex which she enjoys, and i dont want her to relate the playing cracks with a punishment.

I have thought of standing her in a corner but i dont have a corner free.

She is a very strong minded / willed person.

she has given me plenty off informative sites thus far
and I really want to fulfill her desires, because I know that would make her truly happy.

any help would be greatly appreciated
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 3:19:11 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Perhaps I read that wrong - you don't have a (drum roll.....) corner???? You're sure you're really trying, right?

Ok, serious stuff.... Pardon the generalisation (not you OP, everyone that follows... lol) but submissives are attention junkies. For mine, the "best" (most effective) punishment is to deny her your attention. So yeah, a corner (or ANYWHERE YOU'RE *NOT*) tends to work better than some arse licks as any form of pain or corporal punishment still requires you to give her attention.

Of course she's strong willed...! You're calling yourself a dominate - you can't even get the word right! She wants to see it more than hear it to know you really are a noun (dominant) and not an action word (verb - dominate).

Submissives subconsciously test the boundaries of your will in the hope of finding that they're *not* stronger than you are. 17 years of marriage probably works against you here as she likely knows the true you better than your mum. Hence the resistance (strong will) - she wants to see it rather than hear about it.

Others will be along with more. Welcome to the Forums....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to SirDragonKing)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 5:18:33 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		There is a difference between being self-sufficient and being dominANT.  You were gone, she had to cope.   This isnt a d/s thing.. this is a military marriage thing.  Of course she is is a strong willed person.. she would HAVE to be in order to maintain a household with kids while you were deployed.
You said she wants a return to the d/s you two shared before you deployed.  Well, sit down with her.. talk to her.. and ease back into it.  Having been the 'dominant' in the household for a while she has gotten accustomed to the control (by neccessity).. so use baby steps (unless you're going to re-deploy anytime soon? then just go with the slap and tickle for the time being_) to regain the control.  Go at HER pace.. she is the one that has to determine how/when she can give up the control she had to grab when you deployed.

Sorry if that wasnt coherent.. I know what I mean.. just not sure I SAID it right..

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 5:59:54 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		How about addressing the root cause of her behavior rather than punishing for the manifestation of that cause? Self reflection and introspective work on her part is a good idea. Thus, she can attempt to adjust her own behavior rather than relying on you to attempt to "make" her behave. She will never behave until she wants to. Just Our opinion.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to SirDragonKing)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 7:40:09 AM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		corner time, or just show your displeasure in your attitude and explain why you are ad, frustrated and that she is not pleasing to you.
Depending on her nature and given the time you two have been together, she may punnish herself more then you possably could.



_____________________________

wantstocontrolu

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RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 7:55:27 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDragonKing

I am new to being a Dominate to my submissive wife of 17 yrs.
Dominate is a verb, you cannot be a verb.

quote:

We used to have a D/s relationship before I got deployed to Korea and she had our daughter. but, my being gone she had to become a dominate one and take care off all decisions now she wants to resume this relationship.
Being self sufficient and running a household doesn't make you dominant.

quote:

My problem is coming up with different ways to punish her for not doing as told.
I am a spanking type of person and my first thought is to give her a few licks on the ass.

But, I slap her ass when we are having sex which she enjoys, and i dont want her to relate the playing cracks with a punishment.

I have thought of standing her in a corner but i dont have a corner free.

She is a very strong minded / willed person.


1) She's been running a household by herself for a long time. You can't just throw a switch and change all of your behaviors at once. It's going to be a gradual thing. Honestly, I don't think the punishment dynamic should be active during this. It would probably be much more effective to sit down and talk about the roles you've chosen.

2) She has been the alpha of the family for a long time. She needs to trust your leadership before she'll hand the reins over. You need to be a leader and an alpha in order for this to happen. (Don't confuse this with being a domineering asshole)

I would suggest that instead of looking for ways to punish her, you actually sit down and work on your dynamic.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SirDragonKing)
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RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 8:56:35 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Thank you to the above posters.  I appreciate those who mentioned the terminology difference so I wouldn't have to sound snarky.  I actually have a better use for My snark on this particular topic.

(Everybody make sure you're sitting down, because this one doesn't happen every day.)

This is one area where (drum roll, please) the military is right.  In the last decade, the military has recognized and educated soldiers returning from deployment on reintegration to their households.  It is not a matter of coming home and when you walk in the door, everything reverts to the way it was before you left.  It just does not work like that.  There is a transition and readjustment period that has to be dealt with appropriately for things to get back to normal.  This is true to vanilla couples and it has an impact on couples involved in D/s just as much, if not more so.  The person who has been in control of the household while you were gone now has a learned behavior of being in charge of the family for at least the past year.  That's not going to go *poof* just because you've come home.

In My opinion, you should be attempting to reintegrate and taking power back slowly.  This is not an area for punishment.  That's like saying you expect her not to have an adjustment period between the two very different ways that she handled her life of when you were gone and when you were home.  You have to start small and work your way up.  The process won't take as long as the dynamic being established the first time, but there is definitely a time investment that is going to have to happen.  There really are some similarities. 

Start with very simple things.  Establish your protocols and rituals a bit at a time, just like you did when you started your authority dynamic.  Do just a bit and then allow for a period of stability before adding more.  Repeat the process as needed.  Don't expect perfection and remember that you need to have patience.  Expect it to take at least half as long as the amount of time that you were gone to get everything back in place.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 1:47:04 PM   
SirDragonKing


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/23/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks every one for the grammar corrections.

a corner I can probably get cleared. there isn't a corner in my house which isn't occupied by something.

so I am reading this as a needs more communication time instead of a physical punishment.

Thanks again for the information which has been given to me.




(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 2:46:46 PM   
YoungBlondeSlave


Posts: 953
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Bingo. Without communication, you've got nothing.

Physical punishment has a place, but the trick is finding out where it's appropriate. i don't think anyone should haul off and start smacking their sub/slave around for minor infractions and learned coping mechanisms in their Owner's absence because it's not subby of them to do whatever it is.

Best of luck to you...

_____________________________

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. Salvador Dali


(in reply to SirDragonKing)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 3:02:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		One rule a month, with a learning curve. You don't need to punish her for doing it wrong, just ask her to do it over again right.

If she didn't have to ask anyone for permission to go to bed every night for the last year, expect it to take more than a couple of nights to remember to ask now. Raise an eyebrow, tell her to get out and ask properly and then grant permission.

It takes a  month of doing something every single day to get in the habit of doing it.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 6:05:51 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

a corner I can probably get cleared. there isn't a corner in my house which isn't occupied by something.


Well there ya go....your small place to start....tell her to clean out a corner and tell her why she's clearing it and what it will be used for.


(in reply to SirDragonKing)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 6:32:12 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Pardon the generalisation, but submissives are attention junkies


I have no idea what you're talking about.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: need help. - 11/29/2010 7:50:31 PM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You don't need to punish her for doing it wrong, just ask her to do it over again right.


This may sound totally immature or bratty or whatever (or maybe just a lazy-person tendency lol), but what you said there is one of the worse punishments I can get for minor infractions - the order of doing it over again until I get it right.

It drives me absolutely BONKERS. I hate redoing things, it takes time and it's repeating something I've already done, and if I'm a bitch during the first redoing and doing do it right again? I'm still stuck in this cycle of repetition until I do it properly.

And oddly enough (or not so oddly), it's also one of the most affective things to make me do it right the first time next time.

The second most affective punishment is when/if (and this only ever happened once) I do it wrong enough times, Master does it instead. Talk about disappointment of the umpth degree - and then he just lets me stew over it for a while, cuz he knows I'm much better at punishing myself than he is.

Edited to trim the quote for where I wanted it.

< Message edited by WolfyMontgomery -- 11/29/2010 7:51:33 PM >

_____________________________

~Eleven

-A Wolf of a Different Color

Fear me and my Gleaming Metal Chompers of DOOM!
..........that means my braces. >_>

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 10:09:49 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WolfyMontgomery

The second most affective punishment is when/if (and this only ever happened once) I do it wrong enough times, Master does it instead.


Pardon the lack of class and subtlety of it all but I read this and got a mental picture of you not blowing him the right way.... He can do that? (tha bastard)

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 2:09:45 PM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Pardon the lack of class and subtlety of it all but I read this and got a mental picture of you not blowing him the right way.... He can do that? (tha bastard)

Focus.


BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! As far as I know I've never not blown him the right way... though now you make me tempted in doing so just to see if he WOULD try it himself... Though I think he'd break his spine doing so, in more than one place. He has a very long torso.
Then again, if he did break his spine trying to blow himself because I didn't do it right, you can be sure I'd have learned my lesson and would always do it right from then on - not that he'd be able to tell the difference with a broken back...

I was more talking about not cleaning something right, or folding the laundry, or doing his homework ;P
(mostly kidding 'bout the homework part).
But stuff like that, lol.

Edited to add.... though he may end up trying in the next couple years though, since I can't do that sorta thing any more - we're too afraid of the metal and other apparatus stuff in my mouth tearing his sensitive parts to shreds!


< Message edited by WolfyMontgomery -- 11/30/2010 2:11:10 PM >

_____________________________

~Eleven

-A Wolf of a Different Color

Fear me and my Gleaming Metal Chompers of DOOM!
..........that means my braces. >_>

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 2:27:24 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

The second most affective punishment is when/if (and this only ever happened once) I do it wrong enough times, Master does it instead. Talk about disappointment of the umpth degree - and then he just lets me stew over it for a while, cuz he knows I'm much better at punishing myself than he is.


That makes sense; I understand your comment. Perhaps failure is taken hard by all submissives and the Master's action indicates displeasure. That displeasure may mean abject failure to a submissive and represents what I think of as an attribute perhaps common in all submissives. This attribute I think of as a submissives natural Amplified Response.

Submissive women may have amplified natural responses. These include their amplified natural sexual, femine and pleasure and punishment responses and these are perhaps especially acute in anything having to do with their master or Dom.

Your Master might agree with me that he and I must be always congnizant of our submissive's amplified natural response to anything we do.

Arturas

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 2:29:55 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		A little story   - -  i was married to a cop - who decided he wanted to go back to University and finish his degree and get a masters. He did so, and worked full time and finished his masters in two years. Needless to say, the thing that suffered was the marriage (duh!) , and when he finally finished school, he complained that i wouldn't let him back into the family. I was so used to doing everything myself that it never occurred to me to consult him.

Plus, i really had no idea what he was talking about. He couldn't give me examples, so i was clueless about what i was supposed to change.

OP - the moral of this story is - know what you want, and go about getting it. If my ex had said that i had so much to do and could he take over the yard work, i could have said yes or no. Or suggested something else he could take over -  but if you put it to your wife as taking some of the burden off her shoulders and actually follow up with what you said, i would think she would be happy to lay some of the day-to-day tasks down.

And if day-to-day tasks aren't what you are thinking of, then you need to. You can't swan into her life again and just do the fun things or the things that you enjoy. You need to clean toilets too. And in your favour is the fact that she wants to give you control.

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 2:41:02 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDragonKing

I am new to being a Dominate to my submissive wife of 17 yrs. and she says she desires to serve me.

We used to have a D/s relationship before I got deployed to Korea and she had our daughter. but, my being gone she had to become a dominate one and take care off all decisions now she wants to resume this relationship.

My problem is coming up with different ways to punish her for not doing as told.
I am a spanking type of person and my first thought is to give her a few licks on the ass.

But, I slap her ass when we are having sex which she enjoys, and i dont want her to relate the playing cracks with a punishment.

I have thought of standing her in a corner but i dont have a corner free.

She is a very strong minded / willed person.

she has given me plenty off informative sites thus far
and I really want to fulfill her desires, because I know that would make her truly happy.

any help would be greatly appreciated




I've had fun with that topic in the Gorean threads. My star required punishment and I joked I could not because she was a sub who enjoyed whippings, and not just whippings, but honest to God dyed in the wool thuddy floggings that leaves bruises she can brag about and she gets up early in the morning to admire in the mirror and even wakes my tired Dom ass up also to see them, whippings. But to be totally honest, I can whip her so it is not enjoyable and I suspect you can find that level of carefully administered whipping that she will very much hate and wish to avoid in the future. So, if it was me, bind her securely to all four, keep ice and water by the bed for her, get a great flogger from Wian Studios and do it right; should be fun trying.

Well wishes,
Arturas and star

(in reply to SirDragonKing)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 2:58:46 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		...and baby oil. I almost forgot the baby oil. The most important invention since the condom. Baby oil smoothed on that helpless and bound rebellious woman's tramp stamped (hopefully she has one, right?) ass helps keep her from drying out under the punishment and it is good for the leather and is a great lubricant for when the overworked Dom needs a break and diversion from the evil punishment task, for contrast.

Baby oil, good for her, good for you and good for the flogger. It's all so good.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: need help. - 11/30/2010 6:50:26 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WolfyMontgomery

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
Pardon the lack of class and subtlety of it all but I read this and got a mental picture of you not blowing him the right way.... He can do that? (tha bastard)

Focus.


BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! As far as I know I've never not blown him the right way... though now you make me tempted in doing so just to see if he WOULD try it himself... Though I think he'd break his spine doing so, in more than one place.


Oh that's ok then.... I was more concerned (envious?) that he could do it without affecting his spine etc. lol

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 20
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