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Lockit -> RE: What do you do when your sub is tired? (12/1/2010 11:03:43 AM)
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Hi all,
I am cuirious about what you all, both Dom and subs have to say about this.
My slave girl and I both wish to play more than she can handle... let me explain.
We're not 24/7, but live in a Ds-relationship where she puts herself in her submissive role whenever I ask her to.
However, she often work long hours (10 hrs a day) for 'bout 4-5 days a week...
Often when she gets home she says that she wants to play, but not sure that she can handle it.
** She wants to play but isn't sure she can handle it could mean that she is hoping that you will allow her not to handle it because it really is too much. She may be afraid to say no in any context. She is being truthful in saying she wants to... she wants to please you and the thought of playing is tasty and yet... just not there dude. What she feels free enough to say and what she wants to say can be two different things, tied up in a whole lot of emotions and conflicting desires. Could she be hoping that you will see she isn't up to it and give it a rest without her being in a position to tell you no? I get this feeling that she may be afraid to disappoint you and she really wants to do it, but you can only push yourself so far and this would explain some of the things you are seeing in play.**
If we do play when she is tired, I notice that she doesn't respond as quickly nor pays as much attention as I crave of her.
** Key phrase here is... nor pays as much attention as I crave of her. Keep it in mind for a few moments please. **
She fumbles, forgets etc.
Since this has to do with her being tired, not her willingness to obey me...there's really no idea for me to play with her that "intense" under these circumstances.
** She fumbles and forgets? What would this suggest? That she is so frigging tired that she fumbles and forgets. That's pretty fucking tired dude. What is the problem here that you cannot see signs of exhaustion and what really needs to happen? Do you know that when someone is under undue pressure, that they will also fumble, forget and get lost emotionally? Time you learned that one I think. I get a feeling you are setting her up for failure by not actually reading the signs, paying attention to them and know how to handle this woman that wants so much to please you that she allows you and her concern for your relationship to push her to the point of fumbling and forgetting. It is your job as dominant to see what might be going on here and help her understand that your demands do not require that she push herself too far. I don't care if she says she wants to, it is your place to see that she doesn't when so tired and that is tired. **
If i decide to punish her when she doesn't listen to me or forgets, the pain from her punishment will not only hurt more than when she's not as tired, but the effect will also be that she don't extract any learning from the punishment...all she sees then, as she puts it, is that "it hurts like hell and I want out".
** You punish someone that is so tired that they fumble and forget? Really? Think about that. The next time you must take a dump, hold it in, don't go, see how badly you need to go and then think of being punished for going when you shouldn't have. Fair or unfair? She cannot help fumbling or forgetting because she is trying too hard to please you and keep up her end of the agreement to submit to you and is foolishly allowing someone to push her to the point of losing it and then might have to be punished for it. (Key words here are: It hurts like hell and I want out. What is she saying there? Have you asked what that means to her? I would think that a major factor in a whole lot of things. What does she want out of or does she think you would want out because she fails to keep up with life, all things and you.) Pay attention.
So...I would like to know how you would tackle this.
One thing is of course to make sure that both of us get enough sleep wich we have started doing, simply to feel better and to save up more energy for play.
** I will get to some of this in a moment, but I think you have some good ideas, but are totally addressing the situation from a place that isn't allowing sight in some other area's. Let me ask... You do these things so that there is more energy for play. All good until you get to the point where I don't believe you are hearing her or seeing what is right before you to see. Are you going to make her top you at some point to protect herself from what you are not seeing? I would bet money there is a whole lot you are not seeing and it could only stem from one thing that is blown out of proportion because it hasn't been seen and has been neglected far too long. **
However, when she's tired from work and still wants to play...could you help me with some ideas that don't involve strong painply, hard whipping, humiliation, requires large amounts of concentration etc. Anything sexual is of course fine, but I think I need some new inspiration.
** Are you really sure that she is capable of playing? I mean, it isn't working out so well that you would come here and ask. **
Here's a few "small" things to keep her in place...
* serving me coffee at a certain point every night
* texted during the day what clothes to out on (or take off) as soon as she gets home
* place herself over my knee after dinner and ask me to give her her daily spanking
* every time an alarm goes off on my cell during the evening, she unbuckles me and asks politely if she can blow me
* sleeping with her hands tied
** You are joking right? Now how I am phrasing things is not to be inuslting or mean. I may be shutting you down and making you defensive... right? You may think I am talking out my ass and am not hearing you or that I am manic like you called some other posters. I assure you that I am not. I simply cannot believe that you are serious about this list, anymore than I can think it healthy to ignore physical signs of distress such as in fumbling and forgetting. This list reads like a game. You have rules... well, lotty da da! Time to hear the real music here and you need to take the cotton out of your ears. Those rules are not structure or of real benefit and only create a list of things that add to the already long list of things she has to do by remote with dead batteries. Do you really think it is a kick to give a blow job by order of a bell or regiment? Is it healthy to ruin sleep of one so tired they fumble and forget? Tell you what, you find some things with substance and I can see a joy in serving and going the distance. You find real structure or a point to it all and it will last. I can't see this lasting because it simply doesn't make sense, have purpose and could prevent restorative sleep. **
I would be very grateful if you could give me some inspiration here...ideas of how to put together a "less intense" scene, tasks to give her during the day but most of all... ideas regarding how to inspire her, rather than blocking her with the her own "fear of failure" if we are to play even though she's tired. Otherwise I am afraid that this feeling of "failure", as she describes it, is going to send to much negative energy through her body and mind...and eventually even make all of our play thought of as somthing you must "succeed with" or as a "task", rather than that she finds it pleasurable simply by just serving me.
** She feels like she is failing. What happens when someone feels like they are failing all the time? That will cause even more stress, pressure, forgetfulness and stumbling in all sorts of ways. It leads to all sorts of emotional things and she has to handle that while so tired she forgets and fumbles and gets punished. That will end well, on that you can count. You want ideas for inspiration? Okay, here's my idea. Take the failure dynamic out and stop setting her up for failure by seeing her real needs and that is not for just good food, sleep... restorative sleep, and some quiet and tender or kinky moments. In all the years I worked with married couples that needed a third party to evauate things and help them, the majority of people said that they didn't feel appreciated by the other. Why? Okay, they were coming from different places and views and had different things of importance. They could not see eye to eye because of this. Each had valid points. It isn't about being right. It's about being correct. Being right means they need to be right to prove a point. Being correct means seeing the differences and finding a solution to blend all points and people in a manner that works for both. You must see and hear what she is really saying. Many women have responded here in ways you termed, manic. Old wounds resurfacing and they are unreasonable in how they are responding. The thing is they are responding to your focus on playing and her being so tired after long hours and wanting to please you, she cannot and when she fails enough to get punished, problems are compounded. It isn't manic or unreasonable to think as they are. This is what you have presented from your own words and how many times you are motivated by play and speak of it. Sure you say you want her well, rested, fed and all that and yet it is for play, as if play is the major source of your focus. It is all well and fine to want to play, but at what expense? The expense of not seeing what really might be happening here, the expense of her health both physical and emotional, the expense of your relationship?
Do both of you a favor... let her know you do not want play so much that you will try to find ways to make it so she can play, but that you want to address how you have mistakenly punished her for something she could not help or prevent because she is overdone, overly trying to please you and cannot because she is over tired and you have set her up to fail and then punished her for it. Tell her you are sorry and that you will try to do a better job of seeing her and her needs and being more realistic. You will soften her heart, release her from a lot of pressure and give her a place to start with that doesn't start in failure. It may take some time before she believes it, but it isn't her job to do any of this because it is you that needs to change a few things and prove to her that she is valuable and seen. Tend to your submissive before you have none. That ought to inspire you not just to play but to actually become a good partner and dominant.**
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