RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses"

RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (Full Version)

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LadyRian -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/8/2010 2:58:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze I can tell you from personal 1st hand experience, that they are limiting themselves, yes there is a bit of acting involved to set the right mood, but a client will not open up and tell you about his desires and all that if you are the stereotype, also if you are acting too much and portrait something you are not, you're burning out, a lot of the clients know if somebody is just putting on a front or if somebody is into it. You have to be authentic, you can be technically perfect but if you loath what you are doing and you are changing your personality to be the stereotype you think all clients want, you're not going to last very long, because not every client wants the same and it's too much of a toll on yourself. I only accepted sessions that I knew would work for me too. Sure, I could possibly have had more sessions if I would have accepted all requests, but I refused to wear latex, I didn't do "intimate bodyworship", AB, and quite a lot of other stuff, I could have had more "one off" sessions but I preferred regulars. To be honest, I never met a domme who lasted very long when she couldn't be herself and her professional persona was too different from how she really is. Yes you do need to have a certain wardrobe, tools and toys and expertise because you get paid. Since you mention 2 ladies have said that, I think they are more the exception, most of the dommes I know, their "professional domme persona" is not all that different from their real persona, it's like any other job, if you can't be yourself, you're going to burn out. You know, it definitely sounds like that might have been exactly what happened. They were running the business together, and now they're out, have been for a few years, and neither one of them wants to get back into it.

isoLadyOwner -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/8/2010 4:06:10 PM)
I met someone several months ago who contacted me on a BD/SM lifestyle dating site. During a long conversation she suggested that maybe I could see a professional Dominatrix and she and I could just have a vanilla relationship. I'm not saying she wasn't a real Domina, but I didn't to stick around to find out.

SexyBossyBBW -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 12:37:02 AM)
quote: To me, a true Mistress is also a true WOMAN! Confident, strong-minded, classy, independent, intelligent, attractive, yet very gracious and sophisticated! A woman who's NATURALLY dominant, alpha woman, if you want. Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind Your view or trueness cannot be abided by all ladies who are dominant, you understand. All of your qualifiers are perfectly reasonable to the lady who is your right counterpart. It would be interesting to have you describe exactly how you, or she, would arrive at the conclusion that she is sufficiently superior in all those areas(rhetorical). You're only 27, and probably haven't been around terribly long... Have patience, and get to know a woman simply as such, than decide if she is worthy of a relationship with you in the "inferior" role. Inferior, or superior, you must know are fighting words, so you might encounter problems in using them. quote: .Am I just really unlucky, or is that a common trend among Mistresses? Are my standards set too high? ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien Nah, just impatient, maybe even slightly unoriginal in your expectation of the porn style domina. Good luck, M

leadership527 -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 1:46:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam It is entirely possible that the women you have met are exactly as you feel they are, but, there's probably more to them than that. Words of wisdom. When it comes to human beings, I've pretty much found that there's always "more to them than that" ... no matter how sophisticated my "that" analysis is.

BadBoyDamien -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 6:41:31 PM)
Sorry for the delay ... Busy last couple of days. Anyways, I see that I really should have been much clearer. You all have a point in that I was mostly talking about my own personal, subjective expectations (or even wishes) of what a Mistress/Domina should be. And yeah, my OP was also probably heavily influenced by my bad experiences, experiences which didn't match those wishes. It will probably be best if I just describe some of those bad experiences and what bothered me, and then go from there. For starters, baggage. Of course everyone has some baggage, at least everyone who wasn't living in a bubble, that's understandable and totally expected. However, when someone keeps talking about their problems when you meet them for the first time (!?!), alarms go off. The second thing that bothered me, was the fact that all 5 of them were very insecure deep down. Maybe that's just my personal preference, but that's the total opposite of what I think of when I hear the word Mistress/Domina. There was basically no "natural, pure dominance" in any of them. It was just the "forced", acted dominance (hard to explain). It was like those men at the bars, who act all tough, strong, loud ... keep putting others down, so that they can lift themselves, their own egos up, heal their insecurities, failures. If someone is naturally dominant, that's great, however, if someone is dominant only because they want to lift themselves, by keeping others down, IMHO that's sad, to say the least. Now back to these 5 women. One of them, for example, started giving the waitress a really hard time just out of nothing, treating her like a dog ... I mean WTF? Then another one got into a fight with a person at the food stand, because she felt being ignored (he was talking to someone just briefly). ... There were other things too, mostly intellect. That's probably also just a personal preference, however, I'm very picky when it comes to intelligence. Especially when it comes to the pure ability of logical thinking. I know how this probably sounds, but that was always the biggest deal-breaker for me, even with vanilla-women/girls. And last, but not the least, the class & sophistication that I mentioned a couple of times. I expected the ability to act like a true lady in public to be a given. It's not just the actions, how one is dressed, or even how one acts, it's about how one handles themselves (another thing that's hard to explain, but I'm sure you get the point). Also, there's probably a thing that has a negative effect on my perception. Via business ventures, I'm in touch with quite a few very successful & powerful women (who are all sexually submissive, sadly ), so there's a big chance that affected my preferences, expectations. However, it's not that I'm looking for some perfect Goddess, or even anything close to it. I'm very flexible ... as long as some general "standards" are met, making me intrigued. That's an overall answer to the posts, I'll try to quote some specifics later. Be well, Damien P.s.: Sorry for possible spelling/grammar errors. Multi-tasking and don't want to wait with the response for another day or 2. Oh and English is my 5th learned (and 2nd most used) language, so excuse me! If there are any bigger errors, though, I will smash myself with a hammer! ;) Inexcusable for a Grammar-Nazi like myself. ;)

BadBoyDamien -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 7:07:40 PM)
As for the quotes, let's start with the biggest critic. ;) quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit LOL Damien, I'm sorry you feel you are the prince of Monaco and are looking for a princess Grace and feel that a back handed bitch slap towards dominant women will gain you the presence of the perfect domina or piss off the others. lol You describe yourself as sophisticated, with a calm demeaner, intelligent, very sucessful and thrive in sophisticated environments. I wouldn't call your post a smart or sophisticated thing to do and don't believe it was calm. It was more fitting to your bad-boy nickname than anything else. A classy or sophisticated man with any intelligence at all would know that to barge in and announce how anal they were about perfection, appearances and pompousness, wasn't the smartest thing to do, especailly if he were looking for that Princess Grace type. Therefore, if you are these things, you must have been coming for a different reason, which I must assume is that bab-boy looking for a smack down so that he could passive aggressively come back with the argument that those damn domina's were classless jerks with all sorts of emotional issues. lol As for your question if your standards set too high... you think we are going to say yes to that? lol We answer too high and you just got us to admit we are all those things you said those women you met were. No, I don't think answering that question is a smart or sophisticated because I think it is the wrong question. Your question should be... do you think I am being realistic? The answer to that is, no. It isn't realistic to think that a post such as your own was a true attempt to solve anything and it isn't realistic to think that you can come in and state how a domina must be according to your expectations or she is all those things you said disqualified those other women. It also, isn't realistic to think you could outsmart everyone so easily or rile us up. Welcome to CM... It will be what you make of it. If you wish to be anal about getting some anal, I hope you are flexible. Signed... the mostest, classiest, Jerry Springerish domina you will have the chance to meet. [;)] + [:D] I could have wrote my OP in a politically correct way, however, it's much more likely to get the answers I'm looking for by being as straight-forward as I could be (but at the same time also keep some type of "political correctness"). At least IMHO! When I was writing it, I was actually considering that many people would respond in the same way as you did ... but that was the chance I was willing to take. As for your jumping to the conclusions comments ... Most of them make me roll my eyes. However, you do have a point with 2 things. First, I did join this site because of frustrations/disappointments from past experiences. So that probably played a part in my OP. And the second thing. After re-reading what I wrote, my OP actually does give the impression that I'm looking for "a smack down & passive aggressive come back". But in reality, I just wanted to hear some honest opinions. And to achieve that, I needed to also start the thread as honestly as I could. I am sorry for my wording, though (the "bimbo" comment, some type of generalization, etc.). The way I worded that, I was just asking for misunderstandings ...

LPslittleclip -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 7:21:26 PM)
keep looking and go to meet and greets help out at the local clubs and such you will never know where or when your Mistress will turn up. i was found by mine 3 years ago now i was only looking for a play partner while i was stationed there. i was not even looking for a mistress but W/we just fit. what im saying is don't be negative be honest and have fun.

BadBoyDamien -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 7:22:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact There really isn't any way to answer your question. It seems really off to Me that you had five first meets with Dominant women who proceeded to spill their emotional baggage all over you. If that really were the case, I would tell you that a) yes, you are incredibly unlucky and/or b) your screening process must really suck. The odds of this really being how you describe here are incredibly slim without having any bearing on the common denominator. You have to remember that the one constant in all of these separate occasions is you. I'm more inclined to believe that there is something tied in with that. What that is, I really don't know because I don't know you, know your perception on things, or anything else. Even with that in mind, there is something that I want to point out to you. While I don't tend to use the "fake" label all too quickly, I'm not going to say that what you are telling us that you found doesn't exist. There's really no difference between the genders on this one because there are both men and women who do this. They slap the "Dominant" label on themselves with ulterior motives. They think it's the path to easy sex, easy attention, or whatever it is that they feel they can obtain through the use of it. They tend not to last long and they fade away quickly, but it is out there. Again, the chances that you ran into five right off the bat is so relatively small that it's barely worth mentioning. What's much more likely is an issue of a combination of factors. The first being that you have some preconceived notions in your mind of what a Dominant woman is that is based on some stereotyping which nobody could live up to. The other is that you may be dealing with some Dominant women who are new to the life and still coming into their own. Unless you and the people that you are dealing with have a good base of experience, both of these factors are going to have a degree of impact on your perceptions. A very good post! And yeah, that's the thing. The probability that I ran into 5 such subjects is very low. However, even if the probabilities are low, it still doesn't mean it's not a coincidence! And that's the main reason why I decided to post here and/or try my luck here. And I actually always use a very good screening process. However, I'm a total newbie when it comes to looking for Mistresses/Dominas, so perhaps my screening process included wrong parameters. P.s.: Sorry for using/posting separate posts instead of one big one! Doing too many things ... things I have to do/finish tonight.

ReginaMirus -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 7:27:44 PM)
Ok, your examples were much more helpful, thank you. To answer, yes. The example behaviors that you posted are indeed rather horrific and tasteless. Sadly, some femdoms do believe that being dominant is a free pass to be an asshole, and behave like a total boor in public. Steer clear of these types. Take heart, young padawan. Not all of us are like that. [;)]

MidnightKat5000 -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 7:37:52 PM)
Assholes, opinions, we all got em.

BadBoyDamien -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 8:38:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien I'm new here. After a couple of bad experiences with mistresses (live), I stumbled across this site, and joined in hopes of finding some compatible people. Anyways, to this date, I've gotten in touch with 5 mistresses (via local clubs, common friends etc.), however, all of them turned out being big disappointments for me (I just met them, nothing more!). Let me explain. They all ended up being "fake mistresses" as I call them, women who seem to be "mistresses" because of deep seeded personal issues, women who are practicing it because they're trying to elevate themselves, their egos, to heal their own insecurities, failures, baggage, etc. To me, that's not a description of a Mistress, that's a description of a bimbo! I'd like to mention a couple things I found interesting. Do you notice how many times you use the word "mistress" to describe the type of woman you're talking about? Of course, I'm not a female dominant, or femdom if that's easier, so maybe I'm being bothered by something that isn't really such a problem. The way I read the above, however, gives me the impression of a role and not really a person being what you seek. As for the "fake/bimbo" nonsense...again, I get the impression from what you've posted here that these women didn't fit the "image"...YOUR "image"...of a mistress let alone a dominant woman. What were your expectation of them prior to meeting? It's probably more me being a newbie and perhaps not using the right word. I'm basically looking for naturally dominant women. That's the basis. You can't really plan, much less force, anything else. If something more happens, cool, if it doesn't also cool. quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien To me, a true Mistress is also a true WOMAN! Confident, strong-minded, classy, independent, intelligent, attractive, yet very gracious and sophisticated! A woman who's NATURALLY dominant, alpha woman, if you want. Strangely enough, many women who identify as submissive also possess many if not all the traits you've mentioned above ( except for the "NATURALLY dominant" part....maybe). Again, what are your expectations of the "true Mistress" you seek? Very true! That's the type of women I like the most. Most of my better friends are like that ... And yeah, almost every single one of them seem to be very submissive. As for my expectations of the "true Mistress". That's very hard to answer, harder than I thought. I mentioned being strong-minded, naturally dominant, not easy to push around ... but at the same time also remaining a lady. Oh and someone I can't get my way with! I never manipulate anyone intentionally, however, I always seem to somehow get what I want in the end ... make others do things my way. This dates back to school. The harshest teachers, teachers everyone disliked, were my favorite. I kept doing bad things just so I'd "hear it" from them. ;) And I seem to appreciate such treatments more and more with each day. quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind. Well, if you want a "superior" partner (oh, that's the other thing...is it a partner you seek or a playmate?) are you the type of superior man to attract such a woman? I get the impression from reading your profile, personal preferences aside, that you've set a very high bar for any woman. Also, keep in mind, your location could pose a slight problem for some in the US even though you state you plan on "being in the US a whole lot." I really wouldn't mind a partner ... however, as I mentioned above, that's not something you can plan, much less force! It'll happen when you least expect it, spontaneously. And I don't want to answer the "superior man" question. ;) As for this site. I originally just opened an account to ask some questions. However, I then saw some interesting/intriguing profiles, so I also made a profile since I'm basically "moving" to the US soon. Wouldn't mind getting in touch with someone intriguing, but the main purpose of me being here is getting some answers. (which is needed, especially considering I'm a newbie ;)) quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien Am I just really unlucky, or is that a common trend among Mistresses? Are my standards set too high? Thanks! Damien Unlucky? Common Trend among "Mistresses"? Again, what are your expectations of these women (yes, women, they're human after all....full of quirks, foibles and, god forbide, baggage.) As for your standards....that's something only you can figure out. quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien P.s.: Note that me having "switch" in my profile doesn't have an effect on this subject. I'm only slightly dominant when it comes to very submissive women/girls. When it comes to Mistresses, that side is totally non-existent! P.s. As one switch to another.....are you sure about that? Honestly? Not really ... :/ Again, being a "newbie" in this area plays a part. It's close to impossible for a "newbie" to be sure about something he's a "newbie" at.

BadBoyDamien -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/9/2010 9:24:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina Could you find the woman of your dreams in a vanilla setting by only dating 5, that you have met at the local club or pub? if the answer is no, then I would ask why would you think you will find your dream mistress after meeting 5? Patiance grasshopper, life takes time, and you have to kiss a lot of leather covered frogs before you find your princess mistress. Yeah, but I wasn't looking for a "dream Mistress" just yet. That would be unrealistic. Finding a "dream someone" in just 5 tries would be like winning a lottery ... something you can't realistically expect. (it's doubtful a "dream someone" even exists) For my first 5 tries, though, I would hope/expect that meeting someone whom I could truly call a Mistress wouldn't be unrealistic ... And this grasshopper has lot's of patience! ;) He just needed a confirmation that the glass isn't half empty, to get back on track, and I think I've gotten that here in this thread! quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze quote: ORIGINAL: LadyRian Hello, Op, It sounds to me as if you may have been meeting either ProDommes, who's ability to earn their living depends on how well they can adopt the stereotypical persona of how a Domme is depicted in porn, or non pros who might also be influenced by this same stereotype. For some people, porn is the only guide they might have to all of this, depending on what sort of access to information and resources they possess. Porn is fun, I like porn, but porn is fantasy. If a Domme is trying to emulate the porn model, I'd say this would be more than slightly along the lines of performance art. That might suggest "fake", because what you may be picking up on is that the person might be thinking in terms of emulating the stereotype, instead of allowing her genuine self to shine out? And then, consider asking yourself this question- where have you developed your expectations of who a Domme is? Are you seeing through the veil of your own fantasies? Are you saying that you're encouraging women to be themselves, but when they are, you're disappointed? The earning ability of a pro domme is not how well they can adopt a stereotype personality, quite the opposite, they cater to all sorts of fetishes and desires, with acting like a stereotype, she would not do well, within the time frame of a session, she has to get into the head of the client, find out what he needs and wants, how much would he open up is she's just a carbon copy and he can't talk to her? Something similar to what you both are talking about might be the case in some (if not all) of my experiences! Maybe they weren't ProDommes (well 2 of them were ProDommes part-time, not 100% sure, though, one was so-so, the other 2 I have no idea, the conversation never touched it), however, I have a feeling they were under similar influences! Trying too hard to fit the stereotypes, and failing at it (which almost always happens, if you force something too much). Would explain some things ... not all, but some.

LadyConstanze -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 2:54:18 AM)
Sounds like you just went to this one thing, and chances are you stumbled into a group of socially inept people, the way they reacted and started fights sounds a bit dodgy, a bit like if you stumble into a dive in the bad part of town. I noticed that fetish parties are not all the same, some are great and some are just plainly not worth your time, it really depends on what kind of people they attract. As for treating a waitress bad for no reason at all, that's such an instant turn off, it's one of my biggest turn offs. Talking about problems, that depends, I mean if I meet somebody for the first time and we get along and he or she tells me about a problem and I encountered something similar, I might mention it, sort of "Yes, our neighbors also tend to have loud parties, can be highly annoying during the week..." Playing superwoman and acting invulnerable isn't a sign of dominance but rather of insecurity. You know find some nice munches and groups and get to know the people on a human basis first, I guess you were talking to the 5 women because you were attracted to how they look, great looks don't always mean they have a great character.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 6:04:19 AM)
Hello Damien, Thanks for the reply. I'd like to address a couple comments you made, but in an effort to keep the quotes trimmed I'm going to only highlight the important parts. quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh What were your expectation of them prior to meeting? It's probably more me being a newbie and perhaps not using the right word. I'm basically looking for naturally dominant women. That's the basis. You can't really plan, much less force, anything else. If something more happens, cool, if it doesn't also cool. While your answer is all well and good...and what a person SHOULD say...I think, given some of your other comments, it's just that, what you feel you should say. We all have a certain amount of expectations when meeting someone or going into a situations, even if they seem to be minor expectations. You mentioned in another comment to a question I had... quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien As for my expectations of the "true Mistress". That's very hard to answer, harder than I thought. I mentioned being strong-minded, naturally dominant, not easy to push around ... but at the same time also remaining a lady. Oh and someone I can't get my way with! I never manipulate anyone intentionally, however, I always seem to somehow get what I want in the end ... make others do things my way. This dates back to school. The harshest teachers, teachers everyone disliked, were my favorite. I kept doing bad things just so I'd "hear it" from them. ;) And I seem to appreciate such treatments more and more with each day. ...which suggests you did have certain expectations of the women you mentioned. I bolded the one part in the above quote in particular because it stood out to me as a test. I get the impression you expect to be 'kept in line' by a woman and will test her to see if she can perform to your expectations. Yes? quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind. quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh Well, if you want a "superior" partner (oh, that's the other thing...is it a partner you seek or a playmate?) are you the type of superior man to attract such a woman? I get the impression from reading your profile, personal preferences aside, that you've set a very high bar for any woman. quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien I really wouldn't mind a partner ... however, as I mentioned above, that's not something you can plan, much less force! It'll happen when you least expect it, spontaneously. And I don't want to answer the "superior man" question. ;) And I don't play 'I'm more superior than you' games. ;-/ Seriously, not every woman...dominant or otherwise...likes to have to perform feats of amazing mental abilities everytime she wants to interact with her partner (even if it's only a part-time/short-time partner....with no expectations ). quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien P.s.: Note that me having "switch" in my profile doesn't have an effect on this subject. I'm only slightly dominant when it comes to very submissive women/girls. When it comes to Mistresses, that side is totally non-existent! quote: ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh P.s. As one switch to another.....are you sure about that? quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoy Damien Honestly? Not really ... :/ Again, being a "newbie" in this area plays a part. It's close to impossible for a "newbie" to be sure about something he's a "newbie" at. As a "newbie" doesn't mean you're a "newbie" at interpersonal relationships and communication....or does it? This all seem to go back, in my opinion, to looking for a "mistress" before looking for a woman. edited for the damn qutoe thing which I don't have time to get right.....UGH!!!!!

LadyPact -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 8:19:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien A very good post! And yeah, that's the thing. The probability that I ran into 5 such subjects is very low. However, even if the probabilities are low, it still doesn't mean it's not a coincidence! And that's the main reason why I decided to post here and/or try my luck here. And I actually always use a very good screening process. However, I'm a total newbie when it comes to looking for Mistresses/Dominas, so perhaps my screening process included wrong parameters. P.s.: Sorry for using/posting separate posts instead of one big one! Doing too many things ... things I have to do/finish tonight. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm not going to quote everything you said through the various responses. I am going to touch on some things that you said to other people in how you formed your conclusions about the women you were dealing with. One of those is always, always, always pay attention to how a person in power (or potential power) deals with people such as waitstaff or service personnel. How they deal with them is a very good indicator of how they will potentially deal with you. Of course, what you describe in the interactions that you observed doesn't make a person fake. It just makes them have a trait that might not be considered appealing. The part that I highlighted in red is almost a contradiction. It's very hard when you're new to have good screening processes because you really don't know what you're screening for. The very obvious stuff (especially the profiles written like someone is auditioning for a role in BDSM porn) any adult with a head on their shoulders should be able to pass right by. The more subtle things you might not pick up on because you're new. A couple of years from now when you have more experience, you may be able to spot things that you might be missing now. One thing that I'd advise you to do is to go to your local munch and get to know folks as people, rather than a potential Mistress. Don't expect some elevated status better of how you'd have conversations if you were in another environment, such as your local book club. I think it's somewhat unreasonable to expect that you won't hear someone say they had a long week at work or talk about their experiences that have helped them form some of their boundaries. Mentioning those kinds of things is normal. Running them into the ground is something else.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 10:05:22 AM)
quote: As for my expectations of the "true Mistress". That's very hard to answer, harder than I thought. I mentioned being strong-minded, naturally dominant, not easy to push around ... but at the same time also remaining a lady. Oh and someone I can't get my way with! I never manipulate anyone intentionally, however, I always seem to somehow get what I want in the end ... make others do things my way. I've had some first meetups that eliminated someone as a possibility too...for example, one guy dropped his pants in a parking lot, lol. Totally caught me by surprise and I lost my interest in him in that moment, when he was asking me to grade his ass on a scale from one to ten. (It was a 9 1/2, btw.) If people were very rude to others in public...though it was unpleasant, it was good to know this from the start. You had a narrow escape. [;)] As for what you said in the above quote, maybe there are some others who are like me. I do not dominate someone on the first date when we are having a public meetup. Domination is an emotional thing, something that grows inside of me as I get to know a man. If I get a crush on him, I want to boss him around, tie him up, flog him and do things like CBT. [:D] Any man who expects me to just take over when he is still a stranger to me is doomed to be disappointed. I am not generally pushy and seem like a gentle marshmallow, and have been told by some that I am not bitchy enough to be Domme. They are expecting to meet with some fantasy creature who is in costume and has a script, and instead they meet a real person who might be having car troubles or annoying pet problems. I'm told I have a personality change once the flogger is in my hands... I share with men early on that I have panic attacks and it will have some impact on their lives if they get to know me...their favorite cologne might have to be retired, and that there are some subjects on tv or in movies that will mean that the channel will be turned or the set turned off. (I also don't do rollercoasters or see horror movies.) If they don't want to deal with this, they are free to leave before either of us have made an emotional investment. One of the first things I try to do with new people is to get their head out of fantasy land and see me as the real person that I am. If this makes me seem less dominant to a stranger I have barely met... Anyway, I understand your need to admire the person before wanting to be with them. That is a need I also have, to admire a male and be proud of him, even if he is not perfect. Best of luck in your search, and I hope other dates you have won't be as bad as those five.

AAkasha -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 10:12:50 AM)
You've gotten a lot of great input and advice, but I'll add a side comment based on my own personal experience. If the women you've identified/pursued have appeared dominant to you or you pursued them because they are dominant, remember that appearances don't say all that much. One of the really common themes you will hear from some of us 'organic femdoms' is that many, many subs have said to us over a pleasant dinner introduction or first date, "You don't seem very dominant to me," or "I guess I expected you to look and act a little more...well...dominant." It leaves us scratching our head, wondering if these men DO expect us to be barking at service people. Femdom does not equal bossy, bitchy or domineering. In fact, all these personality traits are ugly. No one in a crowded room would tag me as being "dominant." Words that are more appropriate are confident and assertive. My dominance - or my femdom side -- comes through via acts of lust, sensuality, affection or sex. To go around trying to send off wildly dominant "vibes" to alert all men in the area of my "status" would be tacky and embarassing for all involved. You probably came across a group of bad apples, and they were competing with one another to be uber femdom. Remember though that this means you also can't dismiss a potential date because the woman "doesn't seem very dominant" and in fact seems subdued, quiet, thoughtful, polite. The manner in which we display our femdom side is as individual as the woman, and in many cases none of this is revealed until there's chemistry. Akasha

BonesFromAsh -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 11:01:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha One of the really common themes you will hear from some of us 'organic femdoms' is that many, many subs have said to us over a pleasant dinner introduction or first date, "You don't seem very dominant to me," or "I guess I expected you to look and act a little more...well...dominant." It leaves us scratching our head, wondering if these men DO expect us to be barking at service people. Actually, I think this is true of any label...dominant/submissive/whatever. I've met men who assumed I would be more one way or the other on a first or sometimes even a second meet, all the while ignoring me as an individual. The men I've met who identify as submissive and acted this way usually can't see past their own image of what they thought I should be based on their desire. It's as if they wanted to pretend the submissive/bottom side of who I am doesn't exist. I've heard similar rumblings from male friends who identify as dominant in that women expect them to act/appear a certain way. I guess this is why I'm questioning the OP's expectations and what he's basing them on. Honestly, I know of very few people who are an "instant" anything. ;-) I'd be curious to know what the OP would have thought of the 5 women he mentioned minus the "femdom" thing. If he was just meeting them as women...nothing more/nothing less. Again, maybe I see this in a different light because I'm not one of the 'naturally dominant' women, but instead just a woman who happens to be kinky (which, after some trial and error and soul-searching, I'm more than cool with). Oh well...enough wondering for today. I hope the OP takes to heart the advice given to him here and I wish him the best.

LadyNTrainer -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 11:43:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha One of the really common themes you will hear from some of us 'organic femdoms' is that many, many subs have said to us over a pleasant dinner introduction or first date, "You don't seem very dominant to me," or "I guess I expected you to look and act a little more...well...dominant." It leaves us scratching our head, wondering if these men DO expect us to be barking at service people. +1. I prefer to conduct myself according to my own ideals of courtesy, which include being respectful and mindful of anyone who is in service to me. That includes the waiters at my table. I am appreciative, polite, but firm. quote: Femdom does not equal bossy, bitchy or domineering. In fact, all these personality traits are ugly. Actually, most of those traits are founded in insecurity. My own notions of "powerful courtesy" are a bit more like what you tend to see in societies ranging from samurai to European gentry to Western frontier where everyone tends to be both armed and polite. I prefer to be impeccably courteous to a submissive up to the point that they consent to submit to me personally. In many ways I continue to be courteous, albeit with them naked and kneeling, simply because courtesy pleases me more than rudeness. I believe that genuine submission is worthy of respect and mindfulness, and that is what I give it when it is offered to me. quote: No one in a crowded room would tag me as being "dominant." Words that are more appropriate are confident and assertive. My dominance - or my femdom side -- comes through via acts of lust, sensuality, affection or sex. To go around trying to send off wildly dominant "vibes" to alert all men in the area of my "status" would be tacky and embarassing for all involved. Unless I try very, very hard not to be, I am often described as "fucking scary", and I intimidate the hell out of people just by being me and doing what I do. I generally bend over backwards to be polite and mindful of others, because it is not my intention to be a bully nor to pick senseless fights. But yes, I do get pegged as a dominant socially, even in vanilla gatherings. I'm not doing it on purpose. Apparently I really am that intimidating even when I am working hard at being thoughtful, friendly and courteous to others. People tend to respond to it differently depending on how secure they feel about themselves; it is from the insecure that I tend to get the most macho, bitchy, domineering or aggressive behavior.

slavekal -> RE: True Mistresses vs. "fake mistresses" (12/10/2010 5:20:07 PM)
I think the OP has a point. A lot of people in our thing are damaged and do have a lot of baggage. It can take a lot of effort to find a woman who is a great domme and a terrific person besides. It's worth it, though.

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