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NuevaVida -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/15/2010 6:39:31 AM)
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Hi Aqua,
I've thought a bit about this thread because my owner and I intentionally took things very slowly, and I'm trying to figure out, in retrospect, what that means, exactly! So here are some random thoughts that have jumped into my brain:
We did not have sex until we had established a relationship together. Not necessarily a committed relationship yet, but definitely a recognition that we wanted to move forward together in life and create a relationship together.
"Play" came awhile later, after sex. We chose to develop a foundation of trust and love, and very slowly bring play in down the road. So we spent a lot of time hanging out, talking, having fun together, enjoying mutual interests together, and just learning each other along the way, without the whips and chains, so to speak. This alleviated any notion that either of us were in it just to get our kinky groove on.
We didn't allow ourselves to get caught up in any "new relationship energy" and recognized that for what it was, when we felt it. Sure, we were both happy and excited at what seemed to be blossoming, but we both understood there are so many layers to each other, and each layer would reveal itself in time. So there wasn't this push for "OMG I'm totally loving this - let me learn all about you as fast as possible." By doing this, "issues" (for lack of a better word) that needed working out would come up on their own, and could be talked through on a case-by-case basis, rather than a need to tackle them all at once.
For example, I have some friends who met, hit it off, got totally excited, and moved in together in three weeks time. All of a sudden, every little small thing came up and had to be dealt with (leaving the cap off the toothpaste, leaving the toilet seat up/down, the way laundry is folded, how many times are you going to check your phone for text messages while we're watching TV, What? You want me to do the dishes every night?), and it was overwhelming. The little things turned into one BIG thing, and instead of living peacefully, both were pretty stressed out for the first 6 months or so.
It takes time to get to know a person, and learn what their boundaries are in comparison to your own. I've always said you really start knowing someone after at least 4 months. Before then, there's still the "best behavior" thing going on (usually, not always) and that can't be sustained over time. As I told Daddy in the beginning, "People tend to turn into a pumpkin after about 4 months." For me, anyway, it takes about that long to begin to understand the various idiosyncrasies of another.
For us, when we found ourselves getting caught up with "OMG I want to be with you every night!!" we'd take a step back and schedule things with our friends and family, individually, to keep ourselves in check and to uphold the idea of two individuals coming together as unique, organic beings, with our own interests and friends, and with the intention of slowly bringing all of that together in time. We figured, we have all the time in the world here, so let's practice patience and let this thing come together naturally, and at its own pace.
Not sure if any of this helps, but it's been our experience of walking the path slowly and with awareness.
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