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Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:16:45 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Okay, first off, as the title says I am very new to this, as in, have never been a submissive but I have met someone who is a dom so I am looking into it. I was reading through some of the posts on here and you all seem to give great advice to newbies. The dom I have met, I met him online (not here) but he is also in this chat I found out today, lol. In looking into the lifestyle I have many questions- for myself and for him. I am wondering how do you know if you can actually be a submissive? Or if you are already? There seem to be many variations on the subject so I am not sure if that can even be answered. The thought of completely giving control to someone is scary yet attractive to me. I like pleasing my partner in all ways sexual and non-sexual. I am a strong and confident woman- How do you blend the two?? Not sure there is an answer to that either lol. Just throwing a few questions out there, thanks in advance for any feedback!
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:25:59 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Strong and confident woman, huh?  You look like a flower.

There are several drivers for being a submissive.

Some like to please.  (This seems to be you.)
Some like the deep trust that goes along with giving over control.
Some are tired of being in control during the day and want to give that up at night.
Some like being the center of attention for a Dom's ministration when they bottom.
Some just like being spanked and tied up.

Note that nobody in their right mind would grant full control right away.  I suggest that you begin in the bedroom - tell him the things that are hard limits (no way, never, nohow.  Children, animals, scat play, and watersports are four of the most common), and the soft limits (you don't like them but might be willing to try.  But they will have to be worked slowly and carefully should he decide to go there).

Even should you become his slave, you will likely be able to retain some hard limits.

Most slaves that I know of, began as submissives and slowly shed restrictions over a year or more. 

And forgive me for adding this, but someone who calls himself a Dom who you met online... see if he's willing to provide local references and/or meet you at a local munch or club.  There are a lot of folks who pass themselves off online as Doms that have a bad rep locally.

That said, welcome to this world!


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:28:37 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		I wouldn't think of it as completely giving control until I had tried giving a bit of control and seeing how it went. Perhaps start there?
As for blending the two, it's perfectly acceptable to consider women (as a group) as equals of men (as a group) in all things, while making whatever choices work for you in intimate relationships. I've found the s-types I look up to most to often be the ones who are strong and confident. They just make their relationships work by choosing the interaction style which works best for them. Strength and confidence can be excellent assets in s-types.

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:31:58 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Okay to clarify- I have met him several times and we have had discussions about the hard, soft limits but not in depth as they would need to be. I am just looking into the lifestyle as I have never experienced it and at this point I am not sure I want to. Much curiosity at this point so decided to post, as I said, you all seem to give great advice!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:35:53 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Have always been interested and attracted to men with dominant personalities- maybe there's a reason for that, lol. The giving up of control is very attractive to me for some of the reason listed by darksteven. And you bring up a good point mbes. ty

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:37:13 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Others have given you great answers; not the least of which is that being a strong, assured, confident and capable woman is not mutually exclusive of being submissive.

My other advice to you based on what you have written is that many people when first looking into this seem to think that the only qualities one needs to explore is a mutual interest in D/s.

Don't even try exploring with someone if you don't feel you have the requisite chemistry and compatibility in all areas of life. Unless of course, you only want to play casually, then you don't need as much compatibility outside the BDSM realm.

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:38:31 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894
I am wondering how do you know if you can actually be a submissive? Or if you are already? There seem to be many variations on the subject so I am not sure if that can even be answered. The thought of completely giving control to someone is scary yet attractive to me. I like pleasing my partner in all ways sexual and non-sexual. I am a strong and confident woman- How do you blend the two??


I knew because submissive fantasies got me off sexually. It sounds like you know, too, through a different way. These statements of yours tell me you know you are a submissive:

"The thought of completely giving control to someone is scary yet attractive to me.
I like pleasing my partner in all ways sexual and non-sexual. "

At this early stage, don't worry about the strong and confident woman part and integrating it with the submissive part. That's often something your dominant will help you do, or that you will see a way to do as you interact with him. Remember too, that being a submissive, especially one who hands complete control over to someone, requires considerable strength, so you may find you need to harness that strong part of yourself in achieving a very new and different goal. As you mentioned, doing this is quite scary. And once you do it, the "followthrough" (just living that way day to day) can be challenging and hard, again requiring strength to preservere through. But it gets easier, I think, after the first few years of adjustment. In a complete-control situation, as your dominant takes more and more control, you can start to really relax and like it. :)

So my answer is (1) you already know you are submissive and (2) don't worry about the blending, that will often take care of itself later, although you have to do your part. Your part is to think carefully about how you would feel giving up some of that strength and independence, explore it in your mind, pros and cons, imagine how you would feel. You part is also to obey your dominant within the limits you've set up for the relationship. Don't give away too much of yourself too early, as you might not know if you're going to like it on a day-to-day basis. Sink slowly, a bit at a time. There's no rush. :) Finally keep reading, wherever you find submissives talk about living their their lives. You'll start to notice that some styles of relating resonate with you more than others. That will tell your more specifically about what you like about submission, what your own personal relationship to it is.

Good luck to you and your dominant!



_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:40:51 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

My other advice to you based on what you have written is that many people when first looking into this seem to think that the only qualities one needs to explore is a mutual interest in D/s.

Don't even try exploring with someone if you don't feel you have the requisite chemistry and compatibility in all areas of life. Unless of course, you only want to play casually, then you don't need as much compatibility outside the BDSM realm.




Oh, yeah, kdsusa, to clarify, the list of possible reasons for wanting to sub was just off the top of my head.  I very likely missed several reasons.

Edited to add:  the way you are looking into "the lifestyle", you seem to think that you live it or you don't.  Think of it instead as a group of possibilities, and you and your Dom can select the ones that work for the two of you.


< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 12/19/2010 12:42:44 PM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 12:54:00 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Good point darksteven, as that is exactly what I was thinking. And Sexyred- I am definately not looking for casual play and we already know we have alot of mutual interests and ideals.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 6:19:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't hand over your credit cards on the first date. The second date, you let him pick the restaurant and time. That's a little bit of control. If he picks a seafood place and you're allergic but he says he doesn't care, then he doesn't deserve any trust. If he changes the venue and asks what other food restrictions you have, then he's earned a little trust.

And so on.

Now for the first play session, there are two trains of thought. One is to tell him what you won't do and let him pick from everything else you didn't mention. Which can be problematic if he picks knife play or needles and that's too far, too fast for you with someone you don't know, or know how knowledgeable he is. The second way to do it is to give him a list of activities you are willing to do for a first session and let him pick from those. If he picks stuff that scares you senseless, he loses trust. If he picks stuff that will entice you back for a second play date, he's earned more. If he asks you why x and not z, and listens to your answer instead of telling you that next time you have to do z, no matter what, then he earns more trust.

Just like making a friend in real life, or developing a relationship that way, it's little by little as you see how they react to stress.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 7:28:59 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		look for some local events near you and attend munches and meet and greets and you will meet many others and see how they do it and have lots of fun doing it

_____________________________

proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 7:44:11 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		That poses it's own problems also Des- as I have no clue what is to much for me, I have never been involved in anything like this so it is all new to me. We have had an online relationship for close to a year except for meeting him twice. I am not sure what it is about him but it's there. I trust him with my physical self, I couldnt see him doing anything I didnt want. He inspires that trust in me for some reason and to this day, not sure why, I just KNOW. But that is part of why I am on here, I don't know enough about it to know if I will be what he needs nor do I know if he can be who/what I need. I am not sure I could even be a submissive, but that is subjective too due to the fact of what "submissive" means to different people. For some it seems to be completely giving yourself over to the other person and I can see the attractivness of that but I am not sure that is for me. As I said, just started learning about this so there is some confusion on my part just what it entails. So still exploring...... But the whole concept is intriguing and something I would want to explore further, if not with him than with someone else I could trust as much.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 9:10:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894
I am not sure I could even be a submissive,

There is no official sub badge.  Once you work out what your relationship actually is, then you will be able to assess whether you are being a sub in it or not.

The relationship is more important than the label that gets applied to it.  if it works for both of you, it works.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 9:14:16 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894
I am wondering how do you know if you can actually be a submissive? Or if you are already?

My humble opinion - it's less if you can be and if you are ready. More if you want to be and finding the person who is right for you and where you are in life. As for if you want to be... you may not know that till you give it a shot. Sometimes there is no way of knowing if you like a particular flavor without trying it. Just be honest with the person you are involved with that you are trying this so they know there is a chance (however small) that you may discover this isn't for you.
quote:


There seem to be many variations on the subject so I am not sure if that can even be answered. The thought of completely giving control to someone is scary yet attractive to me. I like pleasing my partner in all ways sexual and non-sexual. I am a strong and confident woman- How do you blend the two?? Not sure there is an answer to that either lol. Just throwing a few questions out there, thanks in advance for any feedback!


Take things slowly. Nothing has to happen overnight. Just like most (key word there) people don't get married within a week of meeting, you don't have to hand over control all at once. Let things grow at their own pace.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/19/2010 9:16:32 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 10:25:12 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		It's just dating.  Seriously.  Let it happen organically if it's going to.  You will naturally want to follow his directives if you two are compatible.  He'll inspire it.

In the past, did you ever have a sweetheart that loved to do something you didn't particularly care for?  (Go to football games, watch Star Wars movies back to back, attend mass, play ultimate frisbee, etc.)  And then you found yourself being involved with that thing?  That's what it should be like.

I knew it was serious when I was willing to go to his swim meets (I'm quite afraid of water in some instances), but making him happy became more important than my fear.  Did I take up swimming?  No.  But I gladly held my fears back and managed them because he really wanted me to be there for him.   And hey - he looked great in his Speedos!

good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/19/2010 10:34:30 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		OP -

You've already gotten great advice. Just want to add: no matter what, trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right to you, even if someone is telling you that X is what a submissive is supposed to do or feel, it's not right. D/s is not some sort of secret club that you have to be submissive or dominant enough to join - if you have submissive desires, you can call yourself submissive. But being submissive doesn't mean you stop being a strong, capable woman, or that you have to fit some sort of mold.

Like everyone else has said, take it slowly. There are no rules, only what feels good to you and your partner. This is supposed to be fun, after all. If it turns out you're not "submissive enough" for what he wants, you don't want to be with him anyway, because you want to be with someone who is satisfied with you and who satisfies you. Right?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/20/2010 5:20:13 AM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks again all for the advice! Glad I posted on here, as I said you guys give great advice! And you are reaffirming that my mind is in the right place for how this will proceed if it does. Slow and easy as it should, he doesnt have the patience and doesnt want to take the time, I will look for someone that does. Thanks again Aqua for the tagline!! And Sunshine, yes to doing somethings I didnt want to do, when I am with someone and this happens I just do it and dont regret it in any way nor resent my partner for it. So maybe my answers to my questions are already within me but nice to know that it's okay to have my own limits to what is acceptable to me and that being submissive is different things to different people and that it's up to me and my partner. Thanks Again folks and Happy Holidays!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Very New to this - 12/20/2010 12:18:47 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		You are very welcome. I hope your experience here on the boards is as enjoyable as ours has been over the years.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Very New to this - 12/20/2010 2:44:07 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		~FR~

Hey,

There's soooo much good advice here already that I'm not sure how much I can add.

First - The fact that you're thinking about these issues puts you in the top (pluck figure out of air) 5th percentile, so you're already way ahead.

Secondly - This is a journey for you, so don't immediately head for the North Face of K2,,, wander round a bit, explore. In a year's time you'll find that quite a few of the things you thought were hard limits wont be (with the right partner) and perhaps some of the things that weren't will be...

A lot of it is about discovery, and doing that discovery with someone you like, respect, trust and want to submit to.

Keep communication, don't compromise on any of your core values and you'll have a whale of a time.



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Very New to this - 12/21/2010 3:03:46 AM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Okay, more questions, and I am sure there will be more after this, LOL. I know the whole dynamic is based on the people involved so maybe these questions makes no sense but here goes.... Once you are submissive to a dom or master, do you always have to be submissive in the bedroom? Not often but every once in awhile I like to be in control, as far as the pace, activity, etc... and does it always involve the bdsm? Does it always involve being tied up, spanked (though I like this ;)) and the other activities or is just slow easy lovemaking okay? Not sure okay is the right word as this also is subjective depending on the participants.... just asking.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 20
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