RE: Very New to this

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sunshinemiss -> RE: Very New to this (12/21/2010 3:32:02 AM)
Once you are submissive to a dom or master, do you always have to be submissive in the bedroom? Generally people are submissive in the bedroom and then it leaks out into other parts of their lives rather than the other way around. I'm sure it happens, but from what I've seen over the years, we do this 'cause it gets us all.. ummm.. people get ... sometimes folks feel... ahhhh... you know... clears throat amorous. Not often but every once in awhile I like to be in control, as far as the pace, activity, etc... Every combination you think of is a combination that happens. There are lots of people that switch. Plus, as Aynne pointed out recently, many men like a somewhat aggressive woman sexually. If that is something that excites you, I'm betting your partner will enjoy that as well - as in often men enjoy having a woman who knows that she wants to do x, y, and z to him, and by golly he's gonna lie back and enjoy it! It can be rather thrilling to be wanted that badly. and does it always involve the bdsm? No. Does it always involve being tied up, spanked (though I like this ;)) and the other activities or is just slow easy lovemaking okay? I don't think I know any couple into what it is that we do (wiitwd) who don't have slow easy lovemaking on occasion to frequently to almost always. It depends on the couple. Plus, it doesn't have to be full out play. There can be great, raunchy, wild monkey sex that includes some heavy sweating , passionate biting, desperate slamming into the headboard, ripping of clothing and NEED without a bit of BDSM. I read about it in a book. [;)] Not sure okay is the right word as this also is subjective depending on the participants.... just asking. You're doing great with your questions. It's one of the best things! Too often we see people saying "but I'm submissive, I'm not supposed to want x, y, or z. I'm only supposed to want to please the Dom." It's a real treat to see you here, asking curious, reasonable questions that are grounded in reality. Keep on keeping on, darling! sunshine

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/21/2010 4:07:06 AM)
Thanks Sunshine- And your answers are very informative! Hot damn, this is starting to sound like my niche!! LOL And at the same time the advice and glimpse into your world lets me know my mind is on the correct path. TY again. And in reading the other messages in other threads I am starting to understand alot more about it, information is key to me.

agirl -> RE: Very New to this (12/21/2010 6:00:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894 Okay, more questions, and I am sure there will be more after this, LOL. I know the whole dynamic is based on the people involved so maybe these questions makes no sense but here goes.... Once you are submissive to a dom or master, do you always have to be submissive in the bedroom? *In the bedroom we go with the flow. IE.....What suits us in the moment. Honestly, most of the time we just want to drown in the bed-covers and fuck. We don't always* do anything. Does it always involve being tied up, spanked (though I like this ;)) and the other activities or is just slow easy lovemaking okay? It's sex...whatever makes us happy at the time. We'd both get bored if we had to have bdsm all the time.....we like sex, doesn't have to be bdsm-sex.** Not sure okay is the right word as this also is subjective depending on the participants.... just asking. It's not complicated at all, 'though I can see why you're asking. agirl

81song -> RE: Very New to this (12/21/2010 7:36:22 AM)
Would have to agree with many here as to trusting our gut feelings. And when does one really know one is a sub? Well I think it is the moment of real time with a top. The moment of trust you might say. When I was 1st time with a Domme I had so man things going through my head and was question myself. Am I nuts or what. But in time you will learn to feel much more comfortable and this does take time. Another thing is read up online or by books as much as you can about any given subject that you are showing interest in. And as you are finding out ask question here on the post. It’s a great way to learn. Welcome !

MDslut -> RE: Very New to this (12/21/2010 6:47:42 PM)
i am newly collared to a wonderful Dom. i did a lot of research beforegoing into this, and my Dom has me continuing to learn - why i am on this site. Each relationship is between Dom/sub is different, just as in vanilla relationships. Each couple has to decide for themselves what works for them. and yes, it is MUCH more than just "kinks" in the bedroom. there are also some other sites that i found helpful in my exploration, that help to explain the diffrent roles, help you underastand who u are. There are many good articles on leatherand roses.com i am also on submissiveguise.com you should check out some of these sites to learn more about yourself. Also, Fetlife.com will give you some really good info. There are those who are callled "naural submissives", like myself, and "learned submissives" which may be what you are. just remember that "submissive" does not mean "doormat". and that those who are truly good Doms do not want a doormat. I wish u well in your journey. It will be very rewarding.

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 4:09:38 AM)
Thanks to all once again, what may seem like stupid questions are truly just a lack of knowledge in how this is supposed to work. And part of the problem was a pre-conceived notion on how it all did work. (My bad) I will check out the sites indicated by MDslut and thanks. Part of my problem was I thought alot of this type of thing was all about having someone degrade you, and lose yourself (or sense of self) in someone else. And to a certain point it is but there is so much more to it..... And I think that the further you could be submissive is also based on how they treat you during the process of submitting. I like me and the person I have grown to be, but I have now learned from this post and reading others that I can and do retain that even if I am submissive. Getting easier to reconcile the two, at least in my mind. Slowly learning..... LOL

DesFIP -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 5:48:43 AM)
There is no humiliation nor degradation in my relationship. It doesn't work for me. It makes me withdraw from him emotionally. Since he wants me open to him, he won't do things that don't get that result. Yes the stereotypical media representation is someone wearing enough leather to denude a herd of cows barking at a cowering naked slave and calling him/her names. But for most of us, this is the least of it. It's about having a loving partner who has your back whom you can trust to support you. He can trust me to not argue with his every decision and I can trust him to not think that because I'm not toe to toe with him every minute, that it means I'm too stupid to think for myself. I appreciate being with a strong man who wants to be the man in charge and who wants the responsibilities that come with that role. He appreciates a woman who appreciates his competence and who is happy to be supportive of him and trusting in him. Oddly enough, I get more appreciation and gratitude from the man who according to those same media representations should never say thank you than I did from my vanilla ex who enjoyed having me go out of my way to make him happy while thinking less of me at the same time for doing so. I also get more concrete help from him, the ex would sit and never wash a dish, The Man prefers to help clean up so I'm available to sit with him afterwards.

osf -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 8:40:17 AM)
if you don't think about calling the cops after he's beaten you, you may be submissive

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 4:08:32 PM)
Thanks osf and good call! But Des- You are a lucky lady. And something along those lines is what I am looking for. But then again that could change with time. Who knows where this will take me but gonna figure it out. It is great to learn that it isn't all one type/dynamic. You and your dom create your own, one thing I didn't know before and I am sure that I will learn alot more about! The degrading thing is what always made me think "NO FUCKING WAY!" but to know that isnt always the case is good information to have. I will keep learning and reading but ty all for your thoughts and advice. And osf- would be shitty to call the cops if I asked for it politely now wouldn't it? ;)

DarkSteven -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 4:27:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894 Thanks to all once again, what may seem like stupid questions are truly just a lack of knowledge in how this is supposed to work. Nobody's calling any of your questions stupid. And I'm enjoying the process of asking myself your questions and seeing how I respond, as well as contrasting my thoughts with others' in this thread. We're all learning.

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 4:41:39 PM)
One other thing I have seen repeatedly in the posts on this forum- the constant, and I mean constant reference to honesty between the participants in any given dynamic. How damn refreshing that is to see. You see some references to people being deceptive but not many and the forum answers are consistant with the fact that if they are lying, something is not right and tread carefully. You rarely (if ever) see that in vanilla chats or relationships or advice! Kudo's to the honesty! But at the same time, if someone isn't honest how can you be receptive to trusting them to have your best interests at heart and giving them any type of control over you? And especially the types talked about here? You can't. At least I couldn't. Honesty is a huge factor with any kind of trust I give. Always has been. I am very honest and expect the same. So once again ^fives on that being a constant factor in the forums. And thanks darksteven for saying my unlimited questions aren't stupid! LOL

DarkSteven -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 4:48:46 PM)
Actually, if you read the Intros, every so often someone posts who is married and wants to cheat on their spouse because everyone knows that kinksters are sluts with no morals, that will fuck anyone under any conditions. They always walk away confused, shaking their heads.

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 7:06:45 PM)
Another damn question and I can just about answer this one myself cuz it's my decision but want a second (third,fourth,etc. LOL) opinion. Someone is emailing me, is it out of line to ask how long he has been a dom, how many subs, how long they stayed with him? If you tell me it is - to late!! LMAO But then again, if he doesn't want to answer the questions it's an answer in itself to me. And the only answer I need. Dammit, answered it myself! But please give your opinion - nice to know!

YoungBlondeSlave -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 7:08:42 PM)
Absolutely not out of line at all. You're completely within your rights to ask that. Most sincere Doms welcome questions like that, i've found.

kalikshama -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 7:19:51 PM)
Think of it this way: you are submissive. You have not yet agreed to be HIS submissive. You are allowed to ask questions to determine if you want to be submissive to HIM. In fact, this should be a requirement. I am personally quite assertive until I feel safe in giving up control. It takes time to establish trust.

DarkSteven -> RE: Very New to this (12/22/2010 8:07:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894 Another damn question and I can just about answer this one myself cuz it's my decision but want a second (third,fourth,etc. LOL) opinion. Someone is emailing me, is it out of line to ask how long he has been a dom, how many subs, how long they stayed with him? If you tell me it is - to late!! LMAO But then again, if he doesn't want to answer the questions it's an answer in itself to me. And the only answer I need. Dammit, answered it myself! But please give your opinion - nice to know! You're not out of line.... BUT... You're asking HIM how good a Dom he is. See if you can get independent verification as well. Ask if there are subs you can speak to as references. Check if anyone local has heard of him.

kdsusa7894 -> RE: Very New to this (12/23/2010 5:22:35 AM)
I will ask questions, have no fear there, LOL. As you can see.... You all have great answers, one more question, what is a good answer to the above questions when asked??? I know this depends on the people involved and what they are looking for and from what I have read when first starting out people seem to pick the wrong ones and it's very uncommon to pick the right one right off the bat. As such, I have no clue what a (for lack of a better word) good track record is. And Kali, as am I. He did ask why I am so vague, my reply "Cuz I don't know you and you don't know me". As far as I know he could be one of the bottom feeders. Not sure that is the right phrase either but that's the one that came to mind.

wandersalone -> RE: Very New to this (12/23/2010 6:54:13 AM)
smiles...hi Kdsusa and welcome to the forums I had a look at your profile and see you are just a bit younger than me. I imagine that you have dated a bit in the past and really, finding a good D/s match follows the same basic principles. Find a person with whom you share interests, that you enjoy talking with, that you feel is talking openly with you, answers your questions, doesn't just call you during business hours (could mean they are attached if they don't contact you at night or on weekends), that you are attracted to, doesn't set your instincts jangling with worries, treats shop assistants and wait staff politely and with respect, doesn't talk really negatively about every one of their exes, listens to you and is interested in learning more about you, makes you smile when you think of them, smiles when they see you, makes you laugh etc etc etc.... smiles, you get the drift. The basics are exactly the same as in any other relationship - honesty, trust, similar values, similar relationship goals and so on. If you are unsure about any of the physical stuff ask him to go very slowly, introducing you little by little to experiences, gauging your reaction (by asking how you are feeling as well as by watching your body language) and progressing if you give him the green light. You will also find that you wll get different answers to the same question. This doesn't mean that some are wrong and some are right but more that we all have our own way of making choices and decisions and have found what works for us. For example, I have never asked for references or spoken to anyone's exes. It just isn't something that I feel would help me make a decision. Instead I do as I mentioned above, I ask them questions and I watch their behaviours, see if there are any discrepancies eg. they say that they treat people with respect but don't say please and thank you to the person taking their order at a cafe. I want to see if they are a good fit for me, not why they were or weren't a good fit for someone else. I look forward to hearing more about how things go for you [:)]

Twoshoes -> RE: Very New to this (12/23/2010 7:03:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kdsusa7894 I am a strong and confident woman- How do you blend the two?? Not sure there is an answer to that either lol. Are you implying most women aren't strong or confident? [:)] Now, some may be aggressive and outspoken... quote: The thought of completely giving control to someone is scary yet attractive to me. I like pleasing my partner in all ways sexual and non-sexual. Well, that's all that really matters, IMO.

DarkSteven -> RE: Very New to this (12/23/2010 7:25:35 AM)
kdsusa, I'm sorry, but there is no specific right answer. The answer that you want is: 1. Something true. 2. Something that listens to you. 3. Something that shows he has a clue. If he blithely tells you he has fifteen years of experience but seems unsure of himself, drop him. If he tells you that he has no experience but describes his plans to learn to you and asks if you'd like to learn with him, keep talking.

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