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lilmisssubmiss -> Craving for punishment- confused (12/19/2010 8:23:44 PM)
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So first let me say this - i am a 19 year old sub to a 50 year old Master (yes, i don't care what You think that's not the point, i am trying to build a good foundation for me to go off of...which is important in this lifestyle. BUT, saying that i do not see Him every day. i prolly have a play session with Him once a week, and hang out at His house for the weekends a lot... so it's not a 24/7 living thing W/we have going on).
Master is very strict, He rules with a velvet glove and iron fist. i hate being punished by Him because i know i've done something wrong, and i really do just want Him happy with me. And, i've shown that because i accomplish everything He wants (just sometimes mistakes happen because i am learning, 19 and well human, lol). But, that's the thing i hate it, but love it. i hate the rosewood paddle i get because my body shakes it hits me so hard and i can't move out of punishment position and i just beg Him not to punish me and that i am sooooo sorry. The thing is i am SO sorry for what i did, i hate that He's not happy with me, and no i don't get it for stupid offenses, it's stuff i actually deserved, so it's not play. But, being scolded, being punished alone feels so erotic to me... BUT, saying that i've figured it's ok that i secretly feel that way because i learn from my mistakes and punishment. i don't act out, that's just not me. And, i really do hate the rosewood paddle, but the whole thing alone the whole punishment ordeal i kinda crave. And, i feel bad for this.
i've been masturbating to the idea of having a grown man put me over His knee and spank me for punishment since i was like 6, that is how my bdsm fantasies started. And, i STILL masturbate to that A LOT. i've told Master i love OTK spanking, and W/we've done it somewhat, i said i craved it the other day He said i'll get one... which is great and all... but i crave being put in my place by having my butt warmed, lol. And, i know about maintence spankings, and i talked to Him about it and He didn't really reply back (He always gets back to me and if He doesn't He has a reason always in the end... ).
It's like i crave, love and hate punishment... should i feel bad for this? Is this not normal? How can i fix this need to feel i need to be punished because i find it all so erotic ... yet not be bad? Yet satisfy that craving? Hope this makes sense...
And, what's interesting is that i asked my Master if He liked punishing me... and He said yes... His reply was
"does Master like punishing His sub? Yes, I do!
Does it bring Him pleasure? Yes!
If so why? It makes me horny to feel and smell the fear Like a lion stalks it's prey he can cause that terror.
Because Masters sadistic? I am a sadist!
Isn't bad if a Master likes punishing His sub? No!
Guess it's the Masters right to like it? That is correct!"
i feel kinda the sam way except instead of the lion i like feeling the fear... i like being like the zebra! Hahahaha... and i'm a masochist, but everyone says that punishment wouldn't work then You get the whole " how do you punish a masochist?" But, it's weird because punishment DOES work for me, and i don't act out...and i do feel bad... and want to cry... so what the heck???
Can someone maybe help me shed some light on this issue? i'd soooooooo appreciate it, you have no idea. Something i've been wondering about for like ever...
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