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Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 7:51:06 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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This is just something that's been floating around in my mind for awhile and I'm curious how other people handle it. While I'm pretty content with how we handle it, hey... someone may have something better!

When involved with my recent ex, I was chatting with a friend off these forums and talking about him. There was point of confusion over if he was "my dominant" or not. I believe I may have casually referred to him as my dominant though I honestly can't recall. When we started discussing it, I said what was true at the time: That he is a dominant I'm involved with and dating who I obey but who doesn't own me because we aren't there yet.

I didn't really like the term boyfriend for him nor for future relationships, I suppose because of how we approached things from the beginning. We were a d-type and s-type who were feeling each other out. He gave commands, I looked for ways to please him though nothing terribly 'big' as we didn't get particularly serious. So I would only call him my boyfriend in non-kinky but poly friendly company. Among lifestyle folks, I referred to him as a dom I was involved with, a dominant boyfriend, dominant I was seeing... mostly I recall just trying to avoid the issue by referring to him by his name.

So, for us, the solution is: Boyfriend/girlfriend when needed, "a girl of mine" (for Valyraen), "a d-type I'm involved with" for me when around the fellow pervs.

While this happened, for me, in a poly situation, I could see this issue of semantics happening outside of poly as well. So, to the others, what terms do you use during that period where you are feeling each other out, starting to submit and obey but haven't committed to ownership?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

Post #: 1

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:09:09 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

I refer to mine as crazy lady... psycho sweetie cute blonde. That bitch that drove me to drink ect...

BadOne

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 2

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:11:02 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

While you were with her?

ETA - The past tense in the second half makes me think you are referring to an ex, my apologies if you aren't.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/20/2010 8:12:11 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 3

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:30:47 PM

FredW

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2010
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I always refer to my sub as a girlfriend. But then in our relationship, it is less D/s and more s/m. I have always maintained that she is my equal outside the bedroom. I have no desire for a woman that submits at all times to me, because submission in the bedroom means more to me if she is a woman that others would find a prize. But I am not sure our relationship is the norm in this group.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:42:32 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FredW

I always refer to my sub as a girlfriend. But then in our relationship, it is less D/s and more s/m. I have always maintained that she is my equal outside the bedroom. I have no desire for a woman that submits at all times to me, because submission in the bedroom means more to me if she is a woman that others would find a prize. But I am not sure our relationship is the norm in this group.

I find this a bit curious; you are of the opinion that women who submit at all times would not be considered a prize by others? Forgive me if I'm asking a silly question, that bit just caught my eye.
As for what to call someone, I've found "friend" to be a good word for a lot of different relationships. "A good friend" often makes it clearer, especially in context. Of course, those can be clarified if the occasion calls for it, but I like just those for most situations.

(in reply to FredW)

Post #: 5

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:53:18 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't date. It's not the terminology that I use for people that I'm involved with regarding BDSM.

I tend to use the terminology that reflects status.

No dynamic = "I'd like you to meet My play partner, <give name>."

Considering = "I'd like you to meet the sub in My collar of consideration, <give name>."

Training or in service to Me = Switch the appropriate term and use the same statement as Consideration.

Collared to Me = "I'd like you to meet My sub/slave <insert name here>."

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 6

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 8:58:42 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

LP, good system for people who do collars of consideration. Very clear.

Mbes, makes sense. Wouldn't work for me since I am very particular about being acknowledged as more than a friend where possible - simply a personal requirement for me - but that definitely makes sense.

Also Fred... I have to say that your logic doesn't really make sense to me either. Bedroom d/s is all well and good, nothing wrong with it. Just seems to me that - if you are valuing her submission because others consider her to be a prize - the more the better.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/20/2010 8:59:16 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 9:06:10 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

Ah, no offense intended; unhelpfulness even less intended. I do understand, boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't really "do it" for me.
If someone I was seeing had a similar requirement, the cheeky side of me would likely want to say "the dom I'm considering", but that may or may not go over well.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 9:07:35 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

No offense or unhelpness at all! I'm not really looking for answers or advice - as I said, I'm fairly content with how we are doing things. I'm just curious how others are doing it.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/20/2010 9:08:48 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 9

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/20/2010 9:22:11 PM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

Boyfriend or girlfriend works for me just fine, if there's an emotional element, and play partner/FWB if it's just fun and games.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 10

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 7:10:54 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I referred to my ex as my boyfriend. I was not collared to him and we were dating.

I refer to Master as my Husband among vanillas, as Daddy among kinky friends and as Master when around those that don't know us. And yes, Master and I dated before I was collared to him.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 12/21/2010 7:22:59 AM >

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 11

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 7:15:07 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

Progression from:

That guy X (his name)
The guy I'm seeing
My boyfriend
My fiance
My husband

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 7:24:27 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

I really struggle with this one.

There's my 'significant other of an indeterminate nature' (said with a vague wave of the hand), there's my twisted foster kid and co-parent, and then there are... important people. Sometimes I've literally said 'this is my important person [insert name]'.

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(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 13

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 11:14:36 AM

Darkfeather

Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline

I am never fond of labels, they are way too constricting. I believe we are defined by our actions not by our titles. Usually when in a vanilla situation, friends and family get the idea she is your girlfriend by how you act together. Same when around kinksters. I project the sense that she is with me, and I am with her, telling anyone who asks of course.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 14

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 3:14:23 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

after 3 years, we are still feeling each other out.. and she is "my girl"

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Post #: 15

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 9:03:03 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

"the guy I'm dating"
That was at the beginning before I was owned by him and while we were first getting to know each other.

Now that we've been together for a long time he's "Master" to bdsm friends and venues, in "vanilla" settings he's "my partner" or "boyfriend" or "my guy" depending on who I'm talking to.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 12/21/2010 9:05:27 PM >

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 16

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 9:13:50 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

I refer(red) to them as "My Pet", "My Starshine", "My Dear One", etc... If people couldn't handle it, then that was their problem, not mine. *shrug* I ran across very very few that couldn't, and surprisingly many that were thoroughly nonplussed by it.

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Post #: 17

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/21/2010 9:54:20 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Hi Aqua,

I referred to him as "the man I'm seeing" when we were first going out but not really sure about what the future held. I used that both in D/s and non D/s settings.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 18

RE: Your terminology for dating - 12/22/2010 3:35:10 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

~FR~

I just use the term "friend", if I'm with close company I might draw a distinction between a non sexual friend - "Friend" or a sexual friend "sticky friend".

I find that "Friend" and "Sticky Friend" cover all the bases for moi.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

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