RE: How big of a bitch am i?

RE: How big of a bitch am i? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/22/2010 4:23:10 PM)
The only thing I'd add to the above is that if he's not slammed himself this time of year, there may be something wrong with him. This is the time for holiday parties, getting/giving gifts, and getting end-of-year assignments done at work. If he doesn't know other people crunched for time right now and be able to relate to your situation, he may not have many friends.

CaringandReal -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/22/2010 4:56:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." Was there a better way to have said this? The only problem I have with the above is that it was a bit controlling. You were taking the decision onto yourself, not a good thing to do when talking to a dominant you want to submit to. Perhaps something like this, adjust it to fit your own feelings/situation: "I need to talk to you about something important. Would this be a good time to do so?" (wait for the answer. Now, assuming you get go-ahead... (and if you don't--do you know what to do?) ) "I am starting to get behind on my chores/work/duties. (give some practical examples--describe your dirty kitchen, for instance) I am wondering if you could help me make some time to them done? Here's a dilema I feel, something that pulls me in two directions: I absolutely adore talking to you and can talk for hours, but when I am, I get irresponsible and neglect what I should be doing to maintain my life and my home. I'm wondering if there's a way we can deal with this?" (optional) Because I like coming up with ideas (I never worry about this as running things from the bottom: a good dominant won't accept them unless he thinks they are sound) I would further add the following. If suggesting solutions is not your style, skip this part: "Perhaps I could treat my time with you as a special reward I get for doing my (housework, whatever)? Perhaps I could write you what I need to do each day and you could choose from that what I should do before I get on the phone with you? And then I would call you or email you when that was all done. What do you think of this?" (listen to feedback and eventually do _whatever_ he suggests)

WestBaySlave -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/22/2010 5:33:14 PM)
About a year ago, back when I was still on the dating scene, I got to know a guy long-distance. Things seemed good in the first couple days, but I'd get notes about him calling me at times when I was out and that I was busy too often. Liking the guy, I offered to schedule any and as much time as he needed to talk. I wasn't available all the time every day, but if I knew when was good I could arrange to talk at least once per day. Well, no, it seemed this wasn't good, and he wanted me to buy a cell phone dedicated just to him so I could engage in long, unscheduled talks at any time. When I told him I simply didn't have the time for all that, I got a "Bye, I hate you" letter about how all he'd wanted was "to talk" and how unreasonable I was being and would probably die alone in a hovel somewhere. Some people are clingy far beyond what is reasonable to expect in the first little while of knowing someone. Until you're a couple, you don't owe anyone your time, especially when it's not there to give. Strangers who demand what isn't theirs are best avoided, in my experience.

littlewonder -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/22/2010 7:40:03 PM)
Master and I both have busy lives but no matter how busy we are we slow down to make time for each other. Imo if you can't slow down in your life to even make time for phone calls with him how do you propose to make time for him in real life? I'm not saying you aren't busy. Most are especially this time of year but you have to ask yourself...how important is this man to you? What is it you want more than anything else from life? Where do your priorities lie?

Kana -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/22/2010 8:09:33 PM)
I'm not sure if you are so much bitchy as maybe incompatible as far as needs....

AquaticSub -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/23/2010 8:14:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Twoshoes quote: ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively. Controlling man taking up all your free time and interested in getting attention from you endlessly. Unheard of. Completely.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/23/2010 10:56:24 AM)
Maybe I'm wierd but I start most conversations (when I initiate contact) by inquiring as to how busy she is. Work and family come FIRST. Then, if she has time, I'll fill it.

JstAnotherSub -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/23/2010 11:09:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam Maybe I'm wierd but I start most conversations (when I initiate contact) by inquiring as to how busy she is. Work and family come FIRST. Then, if she has time, I'll fill it. What a freak you are!

YoungBlondeSlave -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/23/2010 11:22:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam Maybe I'm wierd but I start most conversations (when I initiate contact) by inquiring as to how busy she is. Work and family come FIRST. Then, if she has time, I'll fill it. i like this. Because it's new, i think i felt totally overwhelmed. We clarified a few things and it's better...and i apologized for not wording it the best way i could have. So, we shall see how it goes. i'm going to try and get a better timeline of how my days are for him to go off of. The hardest part is my days are generally winding down by 7pm, when most people are having dinner. So, i feel like i'm screwing him out of time but there's not much i can do about it. i try to stay up some days but it's not something i can do daily. Anyway, he's pretty awesome so i'm going to do what i can to get this figured out.

AnimusRex -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/23/2010 7:20:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave . Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this? As a Dom, if someone told me they didn't have time to talk to me, I would assume I caught them at a bad time, or that our schedules were misaligned. I dunno- if a guy gets his fee fees hurt so easily, he might want to rethink the whole Dom thing. Or maybe he wasn't hurt- maybe you are doing what a lot of submissives do, is assume the weight of everyone else's problems. Let him tell you when you have crossed a line, or not.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/24/2010 1:21:55 AM)
Damn it, I'm a communication freak myself... however, the reality is that it seems like all I have to do is blink and two hours has passed. There's only so much time in a day, and if you have a lot going on in day to day... there's never enough time in the day and it passes so quickly.

xssve -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/24/2010 8:27:17 AM)
One of the many difficulties of a long distance relationship, Throw in a couple of time zones and it can get really inconvenient. I swore I wasn't going to do it, but here I am. I think it helps if you're a sucker for unrequited romantic love affairs.

SomoneReal -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 12:42:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively. He's big on communication, and i like that, a lot. But, i find it difficult to function tethered to a phone for hours each day. Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this? Unless you two are actively involved, than there's no reason for him to assume that your devoted to him. He's just some guy as of now.

DMFParadox -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 1:16:04 PM)
The more choice we have, the higher our standards become. To a degree, this is a good thing; but beyond that, it's a bad one. One unhappy result is that in courtship, timing matters a lot more than it used to. I say that's an unhappy result, because from every indication if you wait too long to claim a relationship, someone else will. So the pressure to be aggressive and demanding of time is high. For a lot of people the highest signifier of attraction is the energy or chemistry of a relationship. But 'energy' is a very transitory thing; and a poor basis for judgement. Nevertheless, it's the basis, whether we like it or not. And in an environment with so many distractions and such a high level of competition, it often seems impossible to maintain a high enough level to feel secure in attraction. There's often a feeling that you can't just find someone and let the relationship progress 'slowly'; too often, it ends up that someone faster, more demanding and aggressive has captured their interest. Or will. Since your relationship is based on phone time, you may want to add other, slower means to it. Start sending regular letters, for instance. Put it on a schedule and stick to it. Reliability is the prescription for impatience.

sexyred1 -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 1:27:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DMFParadox The more choice we have, the higher our standards become. To a degree, this is a good thing; but beyond that, it's a bad one. One unhappy result is that in courtship, timing matters a lot more than it used to. I say that's an unhappy result, because from every indication if you wait too long to claim a relationship, someone else will. So the pressure to be aggressive and demanding of time is high. For a lot of people the highest signifier of attraction is the energy or chemistry of a relationship. But 'energy' is a very transitory thing; and a poor basis for judgement. Nevertheless, it's the basis, whether we like it or not. And in an environment with so many distractions and such a high level of competition, it often seems impossible to maintain a high enough level to feel secure in attraction. There's often a feeling that you can't just find someone and let the relationship progress 'slowly'; too often, it ends up that someone faster, more demanding and aggressive has captured their interest. Or will. Since your relationship is based on phone time, you may want to add other, slower means to it. Start sending regular letters, for instance. Put it on a schedule and stick to it. Reliability is the prescription for impatience. While that may be true to a degree, it is also a very sad statement of the times we are in. Relationships cannot happen quickly; you can be attracted immediately but things do have to grow. I find nothing wrong with someone wanting your time. In fact, if someone does NOT seem to want my time or stay in contact alot after meeting me, I assume they are not that interested in getting to know me or forming a relationship. Nothing kills attraction quicker than lack of attention. As I have said before, we are all busy, but never too busy to devote time to something important. It is all a matter of making someone feel like a priority and not just an option. If someone is swayed because another is acting more aggressive, then their interest is not genuine; it is fleeting. I like to use the garden metaphor; if you leave a garden to grow without tending to it, most likely it will die and bear fruit. If you pay attention to the garden, it will yield you the fruits of your labor.

submitting4U -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 4:40:09 PM)
Being submissive myself, I've disappointed more than a few dominant types with "my schedule". Like most folks, I have work, family and social obligations that impinge upon everyone's schedules including the dominant master. I have tried to communicate my schedule, however, my committment to serve is usually questioned. In that vein, I believe it is a mistake to confuse intelligence or acumen with one's communicative skill. It is more about their psychological maturity. It applies to both sides of the D/s dyad, suffice to say, find someone to serve or dominate who is similarly evolved. A narcissitist male or female, D or /s wants it their way, period ... it will save everybody a lot of disappointment to find a compatible personality. Problem is, rigidity is part and parcel of D/s relationships.

AAkasha -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 4:46:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DMFParadox For a lot of people the highest signifier of attraction is the energy or chemistry of a relationship. But 'energy' is a very transitory thing; and a poor basis for judgement. Nevertheless, it's the basis, whether we like it or not. And in an environment with so many distractions and such a high level of competition, it often seems impossible to maintain a high enough level to feel secure in attraction. There's often a feeling that you can't just find someone and let the relationship progress 'slowly'; too often, it ends up that someone faster, more demanding and aggressive has captured their interest. Or will. I don't agree with this. At the end of the day, chemistry trumps all. If a person is being courted aggressively by someone who is putting more time into it, that person may come off as smothering, clingy, or having "way too much time on their hands." If a person is less available but more desirable, the person being courted is going to cherish the contact they have. When you have good chemistry with someone during courting, you can't wait to hear from them and get excited when you can connect; when you are unsure, and a person is investing a ton of time in you, they may burn you out on their aggressiveness and availability. Akasha

DMFParadox -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/26/2010 11:32:18 PM)
Aakasha, how do I put this... you're looking at this from the female dominant perspective. You have a greater amount of choice, and more leniency to act. For one thing, you don't need to actively pursue submissives, they come to you. I was speaking towards the dynamic of the OP; male dom, female submissive. No matter how much people choke on the idea, there are vast differences. Besides, I wasn't saying that the impatience is always necessary. Just explaining why he might be experiencing it, and giving a tip on how to mitigate it.

CreativeDominant -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (12/27/2010 12:52:13 PM)
Tis kind of a funny thing...most people answer in a way that fits them. If they are not of the type who thinks that setting time aside for someone and making them a priority rather than an option, the tendency is to look at the someone demanding (or are they asking?) time as being too controlling, too needy, too insecure. On the other hand, for those who like to be thought of as someone special...as someone worth spending some time on...the idea that you cannot make even a little time for each other seems like a concession to today's more aggressive world and in indication of an interest not as strong as the person who DOES set aside time. On one hand, if you are a person not bothered by lack of time spent getting to know each other or keeping a relationship going or someone who thinks that it is too much work and not enough flow, you see yourself as mature and understanding of the fact (?)that life demands must always come first, then the person who wants time is seen as greedy or demanding or insecure or immature because they get hurt by a lack of time and attention paid to them and to the dynamic. I've already stated where I stand...I just find the juxtaposition of so many viewpoints interesting.

tyrasia -> RE: How big of a bitch am i? (4/11/2011 12:39:22 AM)
~FR~ So rephrase the question perhaps? How much time is 'unreasonable'? i am sure there will be as many answers to that question as to the other. Besides the 6-8 hours per night i try to sleep (tonight not being sucessul at it), i have about 20 hours per work week at home alone. The time from 3-9 doesn't count even though i CAN talk, my attention is split during those 6 hours with priority going to Boy. Out of that 20 hours, homework, housework, doctors appointments, shopping and everything else...well not a lot else...has to come from that 20 hours. Inevitably i have also encountered D-types who have issues with girls time. Sometimes it makes me feel bad, but if it is the weekend and the house is dirty, it means i am making time for someone. Just hope by then they stay on the phone and not come over [:D] tyr

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