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How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 8:42:08 AM

YoungBlondeSlave

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So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively.

He's big on communication, and i like that, a lot. But, i find it difficult to function tethered to a phone for hours each day. Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this?

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Post #: 1

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 8:43:48 AM

CerVeza

Posts: 156
Joined: 10/13/2010
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Maybe so... maybe not. If you have desire and interest, you will make time. Nothing worse for me than to hear "I'm so busy." Bravo sierra. I'm never too busy for people I care about. I am busy for all others.

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 2

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 8:44:29 AM

KyttynTheMynx

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From: Moosecrotch, Va
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I dont think there was a better way. I mean, you were honest. You have things to do, and need to do them without the distraction of <communication device>. I think you just need to focus on what you have to do, and give him time to digest it all.

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(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 8:56:17 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively.

He's big on communication, and i like that, a lot. But, i find it difficult to function tethered to a phone for hours each day. Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this?

YBS,

You called it as you needed to.

CP

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 4

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 9:04:47 AM

poise

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Since communication is a big plus for the both of you, perhaps in your next conversation you can make
mention of how this made you feel. This will not only soothe whatever hurt feelings he may have had,
it will also open up ideas on how you both could communicate better in the future.

If I were to change anything that you've said, it would be "I can't talk to you as much as I'd like",
as opposed to what he liked. This assures him that you still hold interest, you just lack the desired time.

edited to add - I just noticed the title of this thread. Go easy on yourself! You were honest, and honesty rocks!

< Message edited by poise -- 12/22/2010 9:06:59 AM >

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 9:27:26 AM

lovingpet

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I agree with poise. This had to be said as you are legitimately and probably as slammed as I am at the moment with all the things we have to do in the next couple days. It is your obligations though and I am sure you want to talk to this man as much as he wants to talk to you, but just can't. Ownership in speech is important. Like poise said, the I'd rather than the you'd would have been my only change. Also, if I am in a conversation I want to continue I will usually offer an idea of when I could call them back with the out that it is dependent on when I get done what I have to do. That helps a lot and is something my grandmother always did on the phone or with guests.

Life is life. We all lose the ability to be realistic about things on ocassion or lose perspective that, just because it's not a part of our own little universe, that the problem or responsibility isn't real. Going easy on each other right now would be wise. He is so enthralled with having found you and just wants to learn everything about you and spend as much time as he possibly can with you any way he can. You may be so busy and overwhelmed with stuff that has to get done you could cry and even more so when you want so much to spend time with him and are left feeling like a bad person that you just...can't.

I have really noticed this year, and I am sure it was there before and I just didn't see it, a sharp rise in the number of problems and break ups and breakdowns in couples this time of year. A new person in your life, a new relationship, or a change in an established relationship brings about stress. It may be good stress, but it is still stress. Most of us just don't have the stress budget to handle any extra until sometime after all the cookies are eaten for the season. Good things come when they come, but it is something additional to juggle right now. Part of good communication right now is recognizing the constraints you are both facing and finding some ways to work through them. Maybe brainstorm some ideas together next time you talk. Do you have speaker phone? Voice capability online? If you are not that far away from each other, would you be ready to meet for coffee at a good time for both of you? Those are just a few off the top of my head.

Just do your best to be gentle with him right now and show him how he can do the same for you. Ramp up that intensity after the first of the year when you both have more time and energy and are able to focus on each other and building a solid relationship together. And be kind with yourself sweetie. You are not a bitch and you did the best you could for him. If you talk to him about it, I think he will understand that.

lovingpet

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 9:44:38 AM

mnottertail

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuP8VBroyyg

carry on.

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 11:13:00 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave

So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively.

He's big on communication, and i like that, a lot. But, i find it difficult to function tethered to a phone for hours each day. Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this?

If his need for communication is making it difficult for you to function in your life a few things are possible.

One is simply that you two aren't a match - different people have different attention needs and if those needs are too out of sync it's like a mismatched sex drive. The other is that he needs to learn your schedule and pick the times when he wants you to be in contact with him based around when you have time.

Another is that this is an unhealthy desire to have all of your time. While I'm not there and don't wish to accuse anyone of anything, I want to raise that as a possibility. Making it difficult for you to function in your life, and causing you to feel badly about trying to function, is something I've noticed in unhealthy relationships.

Best of luck. I don't think you could have said it better.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 8

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 11:27:52 AM

sexyred1

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I don't think that counts as being a big bitch, but I do agree that the way something is said is very important.

I also agree with the poster that said no matter how busy one is, you always make time for someone you care about. We are all BUSY, but you make priorities of what is important to you.

Whenever someone says they are too busy for me, I am out of there.

As Aqua said, sometimes it is a mismatch in expectations and needs, and that is fine as long as it is known by both parties.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 9

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 11:28:54 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I perved your profile to see if you were in FL. I just had a big kerfluffle with a potential Dom over a communications issue.

------------

I have found the Doms who make a point of saying "I will never interfere with your work or family" are the ones jealous of your time with work/family and tend to be narcissistic.

Set clear boundaries now or regret not doing so later!

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 10

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 11:37:26 AM

MarkfromHouston

Posts: 17
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline

I can understand both sides, I am a huge fan of great communication and one of the most frustrating things I find here is that some potential slaves seem to think communication with the one who will own them completely is not worth much effort. That being said I think you are doing fairly well with it from reading your post, the only thing you might have tried was telling him that you had to do your housework or whatever and set a time to be back available for talking to him. I get suspicious when a slave is never available, but I have work to do and would not want to have someone constantly bugging me either, and even though I can work most of the time while talking to someone, I cannot always do it and I have to tell people "hey look, I am kind of doing something that might get me killed right now if I am not paying attention" that is a literal statement, not just something I throw out there, and it seems to pacify even the neediest of slaves. ;)

Mark

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 11

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 12:05:48 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave

So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively.

He's big on communication, and i like that, a lot. But, i find it difficult to function tethered to a phone for hours each day. Anyway, he seemed hurt and i'm feeling bad. Was there a better way to have said this?

Seems curious that someone who's big on communication can't seem to do a lot with it - like grasp that *real life* issues and the "everyday" etc plays a big role in anyone's life.

On the phone for "hours each day" is just too damned much - and I haven't the slightest concept what *your* "everyday" even is....

Kinda makes me wonder if he's picked up on "communication" as being ideal bait for landing a prospective sub!?! *IF* I were that cynical.... <shrugs>

Focus.

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 12:16:21 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave

So, i just had a conversation with a Dom this morning and i had to tell him "i can't talk to you as much as you like, i have things i need to do." my schedule is different than his. i get out of work much earlier and he, i think sees it as me having all of this free time to dedicate to him. And, i just have things i need to get done that, while on the phone don't get done as well, or as effectively.

Controlling man taking up all your free time and interested in getting attention from you endlessly. Unheard of.

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 13

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 12:26:33 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't think that counts as being a big bitch, but I do agree that the way something is said is very important.

I couldn't agree more with you, red...and the poster(s) that took note of that and how they would change it.

I know it seems silly or too stilted or like too much care is being taken with words for someone who is "overly sensitive" but I don't happen to believe that and I see that I am not alone. A simple change of phrase, use of the word "I" instead of "me" or vice-versa, can make all the difference between hurt feelings without understanding why or the other person making a...perhaps...mistaken assumption about how much you care AND slightly ruffled feelings but with understanding why it has to be while knowing that it matters to you too.

quote:

I also agree with the poster that said no matter how busy one is, you always make time for someone you care about. We are all BUSY, but you make priorities of what is important to you.

Whenever someone says they are too busy for me, I am out of there.

Again, I agree. I'm a healthcare professional who does his own billing in addition to seeing patients. I teach classes and am usually working on one aspect of those or another. Still...there are people that are important to me. And those that are most important are all loved in one way or another...and I make time for those people. That's what my evenings and weekends are for. There's nothing...other than working on patient notes or billing...that I can't do while speaking on the phone and, if the person on the other end needs or wants me to "be there with them" in the conversation, then the other stuff gets set aside for awhile or worked on as it can be while I am on the phone. And if they need...honestly need...me to be there in person, then I will do what I can to do that also. Not because I am a saint but because it is the way I would like to be treated and how does that old saying go? "Do unto others as you would have them do to you?" I treat people the way I want to be treated...for those I love, I do more while understanding that it can't all be MY way if it is to be a relationship between the two of us...and hoping they feel that way too.

quote:

As Aqua said, sometimes it is a mismatch in expectations and needs, and that is fine as long as it is known by both parties.

This is true. And this occasion has presented an opportunity for the OP and the dominant in question to talk about this and sound each other off about needs and expectations about time spent talking with each other. If you are too far apart OR if you are one of those people who doesn't feel a need to consider how you speak...then you might not be matched well. But you DO sound as if it is important to you to make your partner/potential feel a certain way so talk to him.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 14

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 12:35:36 PM

itsmeinLV

Posts: 207
Joined: 12/23/2009
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You were honest but the tone of voice can make a difference too.

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 12:48:46 PM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
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From: somewhere out there.....
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No, I don't see it as being a bitch at all, and maybe it's me, but I don't really see anything wrong in the way you worded it. The next to you speak to him, let him know that you enjoy talking with him, but that you have other priorities to take care of also. Hopefully, his skin is a little thicker than getting bothered by your need to do your own thing sometimes.

What raises a flag with me is the apparent need of his to be in constant contact during what he thinks is your "free time". Does he not realize that life gets in the way? Things don't get done if you don't do them? Unless you are a 24/7 couple, then your time does not belong to him. Harsh? Maybe.....others seem to feel that you should be available to him when he wants it, regardless of what goes on in your life. I do make time for the special people in my life, but not at the exclusion of living my life too. We don't know the details of your relationship, if it's new, or established. Possibly, you could set a time to speak to him each day.....that way, both of you can be available 100%, not distracted by outside doings.

Just my .05 worth.....

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 1:43:22 PM

gungadin09

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Not as big as i am.

pam

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Post #: 17

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 2:23:53 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
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Real life trumps getting to know some one. If it bothers him, you probably are just not a good match, and better to learn that sooner than later. IMHO.

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yep

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RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 2:24:13 PM

agirl

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There's not a single thing that's bitchy about telling someone what is happening for you and how you feel. If you told him to *fuck off, I'm busy*, it'd be a bit different........lol

Communication is great, but as Focus mentioned, there's talking and there's communication. It's not so super-duper if you can't get things done because you're tethered to the phone. There's little that can't be addressed *the next time*, *later*, *tomorrow*. We all have things we simply must get done to operate well.

Ok, he's a bit hurt, we can't save everyone from their hurt feelings and unless you didn't mean what you said .......you've no reason to feel badly.

agirl

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Post #: 19

RE: How big of a bitch am i? - 12/22/2010 4:19:45 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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One thing that might help is to write down your schedule and email it to him. Which includes 2 hours of housework, one hour of grocery shopping, four hours wrapping presents and so on. Just because you're not at work doesn't mean you really have free time. If you can explain you will send him an email at the end of the night, or sign on to chat between 10 and 11, that might be enough. He may just need to know what you're doing since he can't imagine it.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 20

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