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easing the transition - 4/30/2006 12:02:57 PM

crouchingtigress

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Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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How do other Dominants in poly relationships, deal with slaves or subs, having a hard time with jealousy. I am not looking for the fish or cut bait response, I am more looking for things/words that you found that eased the transition.

For the subs, can you share with me your experiance, did anything make it easier?

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RE: easing the transition - 4/30/2006 12:34:36 PM

LadiesBladewing

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One thing that has always helped us is that we are clear about being a multi-member household from the start, and no servant is brought in with the idea that he or she will be the last we'll ever have. We are also clear about the flexibility of position, and the ongoing nature of learning within our household. We have had some who came and didn't expect to have to deal with the learning curve, but for the ones who have embraced the process, rather than staying caught up in their own pre-conceived plans, we have yet to have a "failure", or a servant who did not come to value him or herself even -more- through the embracing of community within our household.

With that in mind, one of the most important things that an owner can do is be selective in whom one chooses to provide service. We look for several things -- unique approaches to skills, unusual skills, capacity to excel in multiple areas, dedication to service ideology, and the understanding that this is an immersion in a life of yielding oneself up to whatever lessons the Universe may provide. Of all of these, the last is, by far, the most critical. If one is unwilling or unable to yield to chaos and change, the chances of survival in a multi-owner/multi-servant household is slim... the dynamic is too elastic and too quixotic to be comfortable for individuals who can't bend that easily to change.

For many servants, one of the most difficult lesson is one that is brought to the fore by the arrival of a new servant. Everyone who chooses to live in service chooses to be there because they want to be useful, and want to be part of something in which their contributions are crucial. The arrival of a new servant often brings to the fore the feelings of insecurity that come from the sincere desire to be able to serve to the best of one's abilities, and to not lose one's position of service to another's superior skill. Because of the nature of our household, we have yet to have a servant for whom we were unable to help him or her to see that each servant, unique and individual, was a completely different opportunity to see the shaping of service -- that no two servants, even two servants with the same interests and skills, would approach a given task exactly the same way, with exactly the same energy and exactly the same results. No two servants will bloom in exactly the same way, even as two roses may be on the very same plant, and yet each will have subtle variations of a turn of a petal, the speed at which the bloom opens, slight shifts in fragrance, or in placement of stamen and pistil.

If you can truly see each of your servants as an individual, and see, in the smallest details, how each provides his or her own variety in the intricacies of service, you will have no problem explaining to a servant who is feeling insecure about his or her place in your household how it is that you can cherish him or her, and still cherish, train, and value the service of the new servant coming in. Though it may take time and reinforcement for the servant to understand and believe in him or herself and his or her own unique value, the continued diligence, direction, and valuation by the owners make it a learning process, rather than a battle.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

How do other Dominants in poly relationships, deal with slaves or subs, having a hard time with jealousy. I am not looking for the fish or cut bait response, I am more looking for things/words that you found that eased the transition.

For the subs, can you share with me your experiance, did anything make it easier?

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

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RE: easing the transition - 4/30/2006 12:49:03 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear crouchingtigress, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Dealing with individual's emotions and feelings is difficult and changes are difficult indeed.

Really depends on how included the first slave is on adding another slave into the household and or relationship. The one coming in will feel awkward and in a weak position. That is why I have the first slave be the one to find their slave brother/sister and I approve or decline. These slaves have to live together so its important to include them.

I also have one day totally with all the slaves. I also have days set aside for each slave in the household. No sharing of time. Each has their own day with me alone.

Other slaves know to carry on with their tasks, jobs, employment and such.

On the one alone day with me; that slave does all services to me. The days rotate so nobody is always getting a terrible day.

The slaves know they will be rewarded with two days alone with me and my attention, IF they give up their day as to help a brother/sister slave in need, such as a crisis or illness, etc.

If I have a slave on a evening and or midnight shift, I change my sleeping pattern as to be with that slave for their sense of morning to night. They do need their days off to see to their personal needs, e.g. haircuts, errands, banking, auto care/shop, etc.

This has worked for me. Others may have other methods.

I also have a rule, that there will be no fighting among each other. If there is a problem with another slave, come to me and give me the chance to observe for myself and if it manifests, I'll speak to the jealous slave. However, I do know that some slaves require more "attention" then others do. So, I make sure I ramp up the attention to those who haven't asked for more. I like things staying even as possible.

That said, I do try to find the second slave, that will not overlap in skills of the first slave; e.g. First slave loves to cook, so second slave sought I'll look for one who hates to cook, etc.

I do think, you'll never be rid of jealousy. Its more of my opinion, that it is merely management of it.

I'll also note, that I give myself a day off away from slaves. It is hard work at times and sometimes you need rest and freedom also. The break gives me time to recharge and enter back with refreshed senses.

Hope this helps.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 9:30:05 AM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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Thank you so much lady blade wing, your house hold seems admirable, and you offer excellent advice, to look for each servant individual unique attributes and focus on them, that really has helped quite a lot. I have also allowed this boy some space, to think things out for himself, to give himself time to feel the part of him that needs this, versus his own feelings of inadequacy's and resistance. I am hoping this boy comes back to me, he is such a special creature, but if he does not I have told him that i understand and wish him well in his journey.

I too look for a dedication to the ideas of leather service ideology, and I will be putting more focus on to a boys ability to yield to anything the universe throws at him/ Us...Do you ascertain theses things before a meet as a rule?

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 9:45:50 AM

crouchingtigress

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Thank you so much Lady Hugs, another lovely and informative post by you. I think it is a good thing to have a bonding day with each slave individually and because I dont keep live- ins, I like to keep them septate as a rule to have more one on one time with them, which I also love.

But your idea about 'no fighting' is a good one because I do like to have parties and such, and I am in two minds about the no fighting rule.

I have seen leather house holds where the rule is alpha slave is in charge of skirmishes, I have seen houses where the slaves are expected to settle it all out by them selves and when it persisted they both got a an extreamly sadistic sound beating and that actually worked. And then there is your approach, which I think I resonate with the most, they bring their problems to me...

I like this approach because I like to know everything that is going on, I like a hands on approach, and things of this nature can be the catalyst to cathartic revelations, core behavior modification, shifts in consciousness and my personal favorite emotional healing.

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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 9:47:33 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

How do other Dominants in poly relationships, deal with slaves or subs, having a hard time with jealousy. I am not looking for the fish or cut bait response, I am more looking for things/words that you found that eased the transition.

For the subs, can you share with me your experiance, did anything make it easier?

The first thing I do is that I never introduce someone new if there are any insecurities or issues happening in the existing household.

For example, when I first joined this site I was looking for a bi slave but for the past few months that has not been the case because of some issues Fox needs to deal with. Until I think he is stable and strong, I'm not bringing in anyone else because I worry that would only be an opening for other problems.

I also introduce people one at a time to my household. I've learned that each new person needs a few months of just them getting used to all of us before I should venture into other relationships. Adding in multiple people in my experience can make everyone feel less valued because you will have to divide your time between them.

I'm also very honest about what I'm looking for and what I expect as well as what I can offer. I'm a big believer in written contract especially in the first few years of a Ds relationship so both parties can have a reference when things get rough. Tom and Fox are also very honest when we bring in new people.

While Tom is not bisexual and Fox is picky (as he should be) I'm creating a family not just a series of slaves who serve in isolation. We all need to feel some connection with a new person even though I'm the one who owns and is in charge.

I'm sort of rambling, tossing out what I do for you to consider, crouchingtigress. I also make time for one-on-one interactions especially for events like birthdays and anniversaries. Holidays too if that is desired -- several Valentine days have I spent basically being with one person then another then another so that each knew that they are unique and special to me.

I'll tell you, poly is work, its damn hard work at times, but I'm just wired this way so for me, it is all worth it.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 10:33:16 AM

ProperMaleMaid

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LadyHugs:
In reference to, the controls and/or strategies mentioned in your posting it would appear that the obvious has been overlooked. It seems to me you have developed an insight into the probability of conflict and address that potential conflict long before it surfaces.
Frankly life and extensive experience have taught me the successful matriarch in protocol driven matriarchal extended family submerges herself on a higher plane and as if intuitively or instinctively rises to the challenge of maintaining a harmonious peaceful co-existence and over a very short period of time redirects the reference frames leading to conducts behaviors thoughts emotions and/or conditions causal of discourse.
Congratulations and I am firmly convinced you have wondered far down the path of deeper understanding..

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 1:36:54 PM

Wulfchyld

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I feel slaves/subs are looking for validation. They want to know that they are worthy/worthwhile. Though we all look at our own inequities, real or imagined, a doubt ourselves, I would hope a Dominant personality would view it as potential growth. Therefore I will try to view this, in opinion, from the sub/slave view.

Slave “A” has been secure in the relationship as a solo slave and along comes “B”. Slave “A” feels a loss of attention and time as a personal offence. They were accustom to the Masters undivided attention to submissive’s. He/she thought little of other Dominants or free persons distracting that attention of the Master because it isn’t his/her place to do so. Now there is a submissive in the house that attention is turned to. Time sharing isn’t setting well, but the division of responsibility looks great (damn swords and their two edges)! Of course the Dominant is going to be focused on the new slave/sub for orientation and just all around learning the new slave. Slave “A” feels threatened by the perceived “showering of affection” and feels jealousy and resentment. Even if slave “A” had to find “B” this is going to exist. Unless slave “A” met slave “B” became famous friends and slave “A” lives for the company and petitions Master for a collar for slave “B”; a whole other tangent, sorry. Sadly slave “A” is going to recoil out of the perceived threat to their worth and not open to the new sub/slave.

Now, slave “B” walks into slave “B’s” world. Slave “A” knows the ropes, is comfortable and secure. Slave “B” doesn’t know the dynamic of slave status or the authority that slave “A” has so focuses on the Dom/me. To slave “B” the online, phone, cam, and R/L meetings has been 100% of the Dom/me’s attention and hasn’t considered that those voids in time spent was with slave “A”. Therefore slave “B” gets to experiences a lot of what slave “A” is feeling because he/she hasn’t viewed the dynamic from slave “A’s” perspective.

They both need validated for their worth, value, etc … and will often fear or be unable to communicate the different emotions that they are feeling. The best start would to understand slave “A’s” feelings about the addition and discuss all the aspects of their value, worth, and meaning to you and explain the division of time, responsibility, and all the other aspects of the new addition. This of course must be conveyed to slave “B” as well.

SmilingLoki

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Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

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RE: easing the transition - 5/1/2006 2:14:05 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear crouchingtigress, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In regard to the household I prefer to run, I don't use alpha slaves per se. I rotate everybody as "in charge" for that day. Sometimes I do it for a week. Because everybody no matter how old and seasoned and or new and timid and learning, giving them power, authority and be in charge, they learn responsibilities. Problems--they come to me if there isn't harmony in following directions. Sometimes, it is just miscommunication or different meaning to the words but, their intent usually is being the best they can be.

It also is a way, as not to 'favor' one over the other. Sometimes, I catch myself as, a seasoned slave is so smooth and easy through their service. Things get done faster. Novices need the time, the feeling that they are being trained by their owner/dominant; and not another slave. I make a big deal out of jobs well done. As it is so easy to gripe and complain, the last words I want my slaves to hear; are those of praises and good things.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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