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RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 12:45:21 AM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		What is "real" or "phony" to YOU? What do you look for in a partner, any partner? Take THAT, and apply it online.

For example:
If you're looking for Someone who values your intelligence, then expect them to be willing to talk about something besides kink.

If you're looking for Someone who sees you as more than a fucktoy, then don't talk to guys who ask you to mastrubate with them during your first conversation.

If you're looking for Someone who won't take advantage of you, then discuss your limits with Him, and make sure He honors them.

If you're looking for Someone who respects you, then make sure His behavior is respectful.

If you're looking for Someone who's genuine, then make sure His actions match His words.

Etc.

Basically, it's the same as real life. Outside of this website, how would you tell whether someone was worth getting to know? If you walked into a room full of strangers, who would you talk to? The quiet, intellectual guy, or the outgoing and funny guy? The flashy guy? The well dressed guy? The casual guy? The liberal guy? The conservative guy? The nice guy? The realist? The dreamer? The guy that stares constantly at your boobs? This isn't different than real life. You already know how to decide. Use the same criteria here as you would otherwise do.

Having said that:
Spend some time on the forums. You'll hear opinions from various people- decide which viewpoint makes sense for YOU.

Decide what your groundrules are, what you can and can't live with. And expect those you speak to to honor that. Stick to your guns.

Don't forget about common sense. Don't give a stranger your credit card number, tell them where you live, where you work. Don't agree to meet someone in a dark alley at midnight. Etc.

Remember that you always have the right to say "no".

Pay attention to red flags. If something looks like a skunk, acts like a skunk, and smells like a skunk, then, you know what? It's probably a skunk.

Have fun, and be careful.

pam

P.S.- You do not have to be "obedient" to anyone who's not YOUR Dom. Not to Doms in general. Know what i mean? Until you are in a relationship with this person, they are just another person. If some random guy told you to get down on your knees and mastrubate, you wouldn't do it, right? Same goes here.

P.P.S.- Welcome to the forums.

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 12/25/2010 12:56:19 AM >

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 6:58:47 AM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

Use your existing experience and intuition as to the sort of man you would like to have a relationship with.

Dominant men are nothing more unusual or extraordinary as the men you have already known and dated- that is, some are total jerks, some are exceptionally noble and wonderful, and most fall somewhere in between.



absolutely

and they can be all those at different times


< Message edited by osf -- 12/25/2010 7:00:06 AM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 7:19:42 AM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		OP, you are getting great advice here. Listen to these people, they know.
Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions of potenial Doms.
Take your time, can't say that enough.
 
Good luck and welcome to the forums, a great place to be and hangout.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 1:31:26 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		Tsk-tsk, such cynicism! :)

The ones I've left in below are my "Uh, and what's so wrong with that?'s"
I know, I'm hopeless. :p


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

What they say: I am old guard trained
What they mean: I do things the right way, and you don't

They say: What are your limits.
They mean: I am not wasting my time on bitches who don't swallow or take it up the ass.

What they say: Trust me
What they mean: If you were smart you'd already be running.
[My favorite sort of man. :) ]

What they say: I *love* service submissives.
What they mean: Get on your knees, open your mouth, and give me a bj

What they say : I want a dog licking peanut butter blowjob.
What they mean: I want a dog licking peanut butter blowjob.

What they say : Of course I'll respect you.
What they mean: Fucking slut.
[See "Trust Me," above]

They say: Be free of std's
They mean: Because I hate using condoms

They say: You must love orgasm control
They mean: Because I've never gotten a woman off before
[My reality: he loved orgasm control AND liked to torture women with mutiple orgasms, 30-50 at a time. One girl fell off her
bike, riding home after an afternoon with him.]

They say: I will control your mind
They mean: I've lost mine
[See "Trust Me," above]

They say " I have 8 inches"
They mean " if you measure it twice"
[My reality: he later sent a photo and I saw he'd underestimated by about two inches, and completely forgot to mention girth. :/
What is it with me and these "big" guys? I DO NOT EVER seek them out--I really cannot accommodate that well, but I guess
one person's "not well" is another person's "Fun, fun, fun." sigh.]

What They Say: "God sent you to me".
What They Mean: "I think I forgot to take my meds again".

He says: Of course I'm listening to you.
He means: Stop talking and get naked.

He says: That sounds great to me.
He means: Hurry up and get naked.

When they say: A slave should never question Me.
They mean: I'm hoping to get away with whatever I can.

When they say: I've been thinking about you a lot.
What they mean: Goddamn i can't get the memory of your lips outta my mind; or
What they mean: Damn, you really are better than so-and-so.

He says: I put that collar around your neck for a reason!
He means: and goddamn was the sex great after that!, or
He means: it was the only way to shut you up.

What they say: i want a slave who feels the burning need for service in her belly
What they mean:... girls dig the mystical thing, and it is so muich easier to boss the bitch around if she thinks its spiritual
[This happens to be absolutely true, unless or until it's explicitly pointed out to said girls, then they will deny it until the cows come home]

They say: I'm a 'natural Dominant'
They mean: I've been a control freak all my life, now I have an excuse.
[See "Trust Me," above]





_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 3:13:27 PM   
secretsubnova


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/25/2006
Status: offline 		Just because you're into D/s doesn't mean there should be quick sex. My recommendations would be to get to know someone just as you would anybody else in the world, meet them in person, spend time doing things and getting to know one another just like you would if you were spending time getting to know a vanilla partner. Just because BDSM or kinky sex is involved doesn't mean it has to move any quicker than any other relationship would. After all, I know I REALLY want to know and trust someone before I even consider letting them tie me up and beat me... otherwise who knows what might happen. Have fun, enjoy yourself, and always have your safety in mind. If you have doubts about trusting someone you've met, wait... keep getting to know them, and once the proper trust and relationship has been established then move forward and enjoy!

_____________________________

Are you a saxaphone or a mandolin player?

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 4:46:40 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

Tsk-tsk, such cynicism! :)

The ones I've left in below are my "Uh, and what's so wrong with that?'s"
I know, I'm hopeless. :p


They say: You must love orgasm control
They mean: Because I've never gotten a woman off before
[My reality: he loved orgasm control AND liked to torture women with mutiple orgasms, 30-50 at a time.

Uhmmm...errr....is that 30-50 orgasms or 30-50 women at a time?


pardon....couldn't resist

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/25/2010 6:58:04 PM   
shelli5077


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it. Shelli

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/26/2010 1:15:41 PM   
SomoneReal


Posts: 65
Joined: 7/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shelli5077

Hello, I just joined this site a couple of days ago. I am brand new to this lifestyle and while I am curious and desire to learn how to be obedient, I have never actually been with a dom. My question is, I am getting a lot of messages from men claiming to be doms. How do I know they are true doms and not just looking for quick sex? What are some things I need to watch out for? Thank you for your help. Shelli


Shelli

This is a GREAT question :)  I opened a female profile a few months ago to get an idea of what women go through when they sign up here, and HOLY SHIT I got at least 6 pages of emails without any pictures and less than 3 sentences written. 

Here's my advice.  Does the message that you received have the feeling of something that was personally written to you, or written so that it could be massively sent to many people?  Another BIG thing to look for is this; have they taken the time to put effort into their profile here?  Do they have pictures, have they filled out their "Interests" section, do they have a well written "About Me" section.  These are some good things to look for so you get the idea of whether or not their serious about you.

(in reply to shelli5077)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/26/2010 1:41:22 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: secretsubnova

Just because you're into D/s doesn't mean there should be quick sex. My recommendations would be to get to know someone just as you would anybody else in the world, meet them in person, spend time doing things and getting to know one another just like you would if you were spending time getting to know a vanilla partner. Just because BDSM or kinky sex is involved doesn't mean it has to move any quicker than any other relationship would. After all, I know I REALLY want to know and trust someone before I even consider letting them tie me up and beat me... otherwise who knows what might happen. Have fun, enjoy yourself, and always have your safety in mind. If you have doubts about trusting someone you've met, wait... keep getting to know them, and once the proper trust and relationship has been established then move forward and enjoy!


Unfortunately, no one understands the above. I find that many men on kink or adult sites think the opposite is true; that if you are a woman who is on one of these sites, no matter how intellectual, well written or articulate you are in your profile about wanting a relationship and not rushing; that it means quick sex.

Ask my last 3 dates; all of whom seemed intelligent and well read. Upon meeting them and stating again what my thoughts are on not rushing into sex; they all asked for sex and then used the exact same line as a reproach:

"but, but, but...you are on a kink/adult site! why are you shocked that a guy wants sex? why be a prude?"

And my reply was/is: "I am no prude, (you have NO idea just how NOT  a prude I am, it would probably make your head explode), however...I only do what I want with someone I feel comfortable with and that is not ever after just one meeting. If you are not interested in getting to know me and just want to fuck, move on."

So, yes, I understand the confusion the OP is having whether you are new to this or experienced.

So many men today lack the patience and finesse to get where they want to go; trying to rush it never works. So stupid...it never ceases to amaze me that men don't understand what women want sex too; just not with anyone.

(in reply to secretsubnova)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/26/2010 7:17:18 PM   
kdsusa7894


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline 		Sexyred, sorry to disagree, but only on one point, yeah some women do want sex, and with just anyone. And to agree with you, not sure how you phrase it but todays society "instant gratification" is the closest I find. I want what I want, I want it now and whatever it takes to get it, I'm in. Sad.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/26/2010 8:18:19 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Hi kdusa, no apologies needed for disagreeing. :)

I should always reiterate that what I post is from my perspective only.

(in reply to kdsusa7894)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 12/26/2010 8:46:18 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		You'll also get ones willing to graciously train you. I'll give the legit ones their due and that may work for you, but, online or rl, that raises a flag for me.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/4/2011 6:22:34 PM   
JohnDelahoya


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/25/2010
Status: offline 		kalikshama


Too funny... For those of us who have 8", we're always ready to flop it on a ruler next a sign of your choosing. As for the other points... All true, all too true.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/4/2011 10:28:50 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Here are my favorites from this thread...


Wow. I almost want to print out that list and hand it to every new sub I meet. I've heard them all ( or some variant ), I swear!

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/5/2011 4:30:28 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		One more thing.
There are real Doms just looking for sex

My general advice is to everyone is to 'upgrade their standards'. Pay less attention to the physical stuff (that usually is in higher demand because of how easy it is to verify) and more attention to what they want.

One good trick is to read their profile and click the View Forum Posts button. If they have something, then you can check everything they said to the general public, not just what they told you.

Decide if you are more interested in Pain/Sensation, Control/Dominantion, or Humiliation. Those are the general categories that people are interested in. Make sure your Dom is not just Dominant but into the same kind of dominance that you are.

If you like Pain more than Humiliation, don't date someone that likes to spank you in public. If you like Humiliation more than Pain, don't date someone that loves to flog your ass till it bleeds.


(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/6/2011 12:36:11 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		Talk to them (email and such) then Yahoo or internet thing.. check your instincts. ask for references (1st time I would ask for 5) and check them. Then go from there, and , as usual, trust your instincts!!

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._



(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/6/2011 1:16:44 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		references can be chancy..I mean, seriously.. who is going to offer a name of a ref. of someone who will say negative stuff? Unless you can gets refs from someone you know and trust RT...

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Buzzzz)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/6/2011 1:43:55 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Sigh

The same hard and fast rules apply here as always...
If it ain't me sending the message then you know it's from a fake.


Boo-Yaw


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/15/2011 10:02:23 AM   
TexasRogue


Posts: 30
Joined: 1/9/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: secretsubnova

Just because you're into D/s doesn't mean there should be quick sex. My recommendations would be to get to know someone just as you would anybody else in the world, meet them in person, spend time doing things and getting to know one another just like you would if you were spending time getting to know a vanilla partner. Just because BDSM or kinky sex is involved doesn't mean it has to move any quicker than any other relationship would. After all, I know I REALLY want to know and trust someone before I even consider letting them tie me up and beat me... otherwise who knows what might happen. Have fun, enjoy yourself, and always have your safety in mind. If you have doubts about trusting someone you've met, wait... keep getting to know them, and once the proper trust and relationship has been established then move forward and enjoy!


Unfortunately, no one understands the above. I find that many men on kink or adult sites think the opposite is true; that if you are a woman who is on one of these sites, no matter how intellectual, well written or articulate you are in your profile about wanting a relationship and not rushing; that it means quick sex.

Ask my last 3 dates; all of whom seemed intelligent and well read. Upon meeting them and stating again what my thoughts are on not rushing into sex; they all asked for sex and then used the exact same line as a reproach:

"but, but, but...you are on a kink/adult site! why are you shocked that a guy wants sex? why be a prude?"

And my reply was/is: "I am no prude, (you have NO idea just how NOT  a prude I am, it would probably make your head explode), however...I only do what I want with someone I feel comfortable with and that is not ever after just one meeting. If you are not interested in getting to know me and just want to fuck, move on."

So, yes, I understand the confusion the OP is having whether you are new to this or experienced.

So many men today lack the patience and finesse to get where they want to go; trying to rush it never works. So stupid...it never ceases to amaze me that men don't understand what women want sex too; just not with anyone.


My idea of "asking for sex" is with body language - a kiss, a fondle, etc. It's been my experience that women generally want me to TRY. Some want me to try a little more forcefully than others. If the attraction is there, I'm going to want to fuck. That doesn't mean I JUST want to fuck, and I don't think I'm the only man around who can make that distinction. If I feel chemistry but get turned down when I go for the bra hooks, I don't get upset too much. A little disappointed, yes. Fess up: If you want your date to ravish you on date five and he's still giving you time you'll be disappointed a bit, too. Just roll with it. Artificial timetables like "never on the first date", or an ex's "third date is sex date", never seem to work. You should be able to trust your own judgment and instincts more than a rule you've carved in stone.




(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Real Instead of Phony - 1/15/2011 11:00:28 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

Tsk-tsk, such cynicism! :)

The ones I've left in below are my "Uh, and what's so wrong with that?'s"
I know, I'm hopeless. :p


They say: You must love orgasm control
They mean: Because I've never gotten a woman off before
[My reality: he loved orgasm control AND liked to torture women with mutiple orgasms, 30-50 at a time.

Uhmmm...errr....is that 30-50 orgasms or 30-50 women at a time?


pardon....couldn't resist

It was orgasms. :D Hard to imagine the second, even in Superman! There'd definitely need to be some sort of production line... NEXT! or maybe a slowly moving conveyer belt that entered through a square opening on one side of the room and exited out the another on the opposite side?



< Message edited by CaringandReal -- 1/15/2011 11:04:05 AM >

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 40
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