slavejali
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I had a lesson on *giving* many years ago. I've always had a giving nature, and would literally give the shirt off my own back if I felt someone needed it, or they asked. I had also surrounded myself with needy people, who were always demanding my time emotionally and mentally, always needing something from me to make them whole somehow.
I was tired and worn out at one stage, I travelled to India and through some events that happened there I got the biggest insight on giving and what it means I've had in my life.
Upon arriving in India, beggars were everywhere, my first trip there was horrifying to me, people with leprosy and dirty bandages putting their arms through the taxi window when we were stopped beseaching me for money, being on the street and always being approached by beggars asking for money, they werent just asking for money, they were demanding my emotions and intellect pay them attention too, how could I not be involved emotionally and mentally when I saw these poor poor people begging, a little child looking into my eyes asking for food...how could I not be pulled this way and that emotionally and mentally?
Of course I gave, I gave them money, I gave them my compassionate thoughts and I have them my feelings that I wished everyone in the world was cared for....this was such a burden for me to carry as I knew that there would be no easy fixes in this world and I myself could do little to improve the lives of even a few, let alone millions of people who were struggling with providing themselves with the basic requirements of living, food and shelter...let alone being able to give them such a profound realisation as happiness.
As time went on and the days that I was there turned into weeks and months, this interaction never stopped, wherever I went there were beggars, at one point I was chased down a street with a couple of other westerners by a crowd of beggars, it was such a terrifying experience. My stress level became high, I guess it was a combination of things, the huge culture shock I was experiencing, the unforgiving heat of an indian summer and the constant bombardment on me by such needy people, really shredded me apart. I was worn out physically, emotionally and mentally.
One day I was in a train station alone, can't remember why that was, might of wanted to go visit someplace that the people I was with had no interest in..but there I was standing on the platform alone, a beggar approached me, I took a step back from him, he held out his hand, I took another step back, I walked to the other end of the platform, he followed me, he kept beseeching me, almost arrogantly, pushy, I had no doubt by now that these beggars were used to westerners and knew exactly how to play them, his voice kept injecting itself in my mind " Give me, give me, give me"...I wouldnt meet his eyes, I wasnt falling for that trick..but still his begging voice intruded itself upon me...I could feel my thoughts screaming inside me "Leave me alone!! Leave me alone!!" after a few minutes I found my thoughts had made their way to my voicebox and I was screaming at the top of my lungs 'LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I couldnt beleive it was my voice, I've never heard myself scream like that before, it felt like I could have destroyed the universe with that voice.
Some other indians on the platform came running and shooed the beggar away, all of which I was oblivious to, at that moment I was having this incredible realisation, my thoughts became so clear, I realised in that moment, I could not make everyone happy in the world, no matter how much I gave, it would never be enough, people were like leaches projecting their desires on you and wanting you to fulfill them in every which way yet never willing to do the work themselves they needed to be happy. There was nothing I could do for them. There was nothing anyone could do. Needy people are just that, needy, it's a state of mind and they willl take and take and take not caring at all about you whether that is physically, emotionally or mentally. There are always going to be needy people, unhappy people...and I just cant help them at the cost of my own welfare. I'd always seen that as a selfish way to think before that time..but from then on I saw really clearly that if I give all, Ive depleted myself of resources and just become a needy person myself, I just add one more person to the list of unhappy needy people. I could see that play out in all facets of life, emotionally, mentally and physically.
I still help people, I still desire for people to be happy but something changed that day. I no longer let it tax me, take from me...(well I'm conscious of the repercussion now..so when I slip I have the tools to step back once I realise what I'm doing and rememdy it within myself.). I realised compassion is something I can feel through understanding and not by having to drag myself into the neighbourhood of consciousness that the people I feel compassion for are living in.
What makes me happy now? Doing the best I can, then not worrying, being happy 
< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/30/2006 2:28:58 PM >
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