First Time Meeting - Do's? Dont's? Best way?

First Time Meeting - Do's? Dont's? Best way? (Full Version)

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Real0ne -> First Time Meeting - Do's? Dont's? Best way? (12/24/2010 1:11:44 PM)
This goes out primarily to those who classify themselves as "Owners" who desire to fully control "everything" from the first moment of communication where the relationship is ultimately contingent upon absolute obedience etc.... At some point the potential and the Dominant have to be in the same place at the same time to "make it happen". (The first meeting) That said; how does the D/s community at large accommodate a first meeting situation and strike a balance between the potential's safety and specific protocol(s) of the purist slave owner who mandates full and absolute control such that the owner fully orchestrates all the details? Where are the lines on these matters? Do's? Don'ts Best ways etc... What are or should be deal breakers? Yellow and red flags? What point to pull the plug and how much of a gamble can be reasonably and safely accomplished? Part 2: What are unsafe meeting situations and if the owner mandates an unsafe meeting how does the potential relate that to the owner in a manner such that does not prejudice the relationship? Insightful thoughts, methods, solutions, what works and what does not?

DarkSteven -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 1:18:45 PM)
1 We meet in a public place. I have met at Starbucks, at public parks, and once at a strip mall. Munches as well. 2. She has a safe call. 3. She has my full name, and address beforehand. She should have my phone number already from conversations. 4. No play on a first meet. That said, I've violated every single one of the above, except for the public place. But it's all there for her to take.

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 1:25:12 PM)
so regardless you always meet at a public place?

DarkSteven -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 1:43:39 PM)
Yep. If one of us can't stand the other, it's easy to escape. And nothing untoward will happen in a public venue. If w meet at my place first time, she could be afraid for her safety. And if I cannot stand her, I can't leave!

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 1:51:38 PM)
makes sense and in reverse I suppose as well. It will be interesting to see how owner types will view this. I wonder if they agree with you?

LadyPact -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 2:39:43 PM)
I don't consider Myself owning anybody from a first meet. There's got to be some chemistry, see how we respond to each other, and so on. A large majority of the time, I do first meets at whatever event is coming up that I'm planning on attending. The monthly munch suits Me just fine for this. I've met people at the club where I tell them that I expect them to be familiar with the dungeon rules (you can find them online as well as the dress code) but that we won't be playing from the first hello. This covers both areas of meeting in a public place and puts that person in a situation to see if he picks up on cues for protocols. Deal breakers. Not following any specific instruction that I've given for the meet. If I say 7:00 PM. be there at 7:00 PM. Don't cancel because I won't arrange another one. Yellow flags. Anybody who can't find more in conversation to talk about than just their kinks. Red flags. Anybody trying to convince Me into the play that I specifically said wasn't going to happen on a first meet or attempts to 'go somewhere more private'. Part 2. Most female Dominants aren't going to suggest situations that are potentially unsafe for them. If it comes across as sounding shady, it might just be. Secluded area, no. Places with no cell phone coverage, no.

RedBottomGirl26 -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 3:08:11 PM)
I am not an owner, but as a submissive woman, I can tell you a few things I look out for, but also things I respect. Red flags (not the same for everyone, so ask someone): Anyone who is married, who contacts you, yet you put not into polyamory, is probably not a person interested in your well being (esp. someone who has a girlfriend, but admits, he doesn't want anything serious, then you know he's only looking for sex and is hard up). Women who ask you about your financial affairs or job, is probably just looking for money or someone to keep them up. Anyone who says they don't have enough time to talk to you, yet, you see that they are online everyday, is probably a person to be suspicious about. Anyone not willing to at least share their first name. If it's online online, but if you are going to meet then at least get their phone number and address, if they refuse this information, then there is something that person is hiding. I do agree with Stephen meeting in public is a good idea (lately I've started to try to develop safer meeting techniques)...yet I have a social phobia, so sometimes I am less threatened with the idea of meeting someone solo, than around a large group of people, it's been proven that in a crisis situation, if there is a crowd, most of those people wouldn't help you, if they assume other people can help (so in a crowd, you are probably on your own anyway, it's called the passing by-stander, there have been many tests done on it). There really isn't too many set do's and don't's...more like just what you and the other person agree upon, as long as it is within legal limits (so know your laws well, & there shouldn't be a problem). Just make sure you discuss limits. I am kind of curious as to why you were choosing your words such as "absolute control" [not sure there is really such a thing, it has to be two-way, and agreed upon, or else whatever your planning won't really work. I agree a Dom or Master, planning things to the nth degree can be satisfying that he is putting so much thought and work into planning the perfect get-together, but don't leave all the choices out of your subs hands, or you can get more than you bargained for (a lazy streak in her perhaps, that you will help create, or if you are too harsh, she may turn to gentler affections). In short, just make sure she feels comfortable, confident and fairly safe in you to begin with, before she even meets you, so she's not as nervous. But, be as realistic as you can be too, if you try to make yourself appear to be some prince charming, she's probably going to be very suspicious of you (act polite and kind, but also don't over-do it either, strike a good balance is usually the way to go; at least the way I see it, I know some probably wouldn't agree). I hope this helps, and normally I do not post around the holidays, but I have a relative who works late, so I have to post-pone my own plans, so I had a little free time and your post kind of caught my eye (probably more because I was curious about your word phrasings, but at least it was noticable). I did have a much longer post, but I actually deleted that & just tried to shorten things to make a point (unfortunately I am not known for brevity, b/c I don't know how to say things quickly or with less words). Anyway, happy holidays, and try to make good decisions and safe ones this time of year. Remember, it's not only women who need to consider safe and healthy decisions.

BlackTigerDragon -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/24/2010 9:43:13 PM)
I agree with everyone who say's to meet in a public place first. This is also a very good idea for vanilla dates.

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 1:07:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact There's got to be some chemistry, see how we respond to each other, and so on. This covers both areas of meeting in a public place and puts that person in a situation to see if he picks up on cues for protocols. Deal breakers. Not following any specific instruction that I've given for the meet. If I say 7:00 PM. be there at 7:00 PM. Don't cancel because I won't arrange another one. Yellow flags. Anybody who can't find more in conversation to talk about than just their kinks. Red flags. Anybody trying to convince Me into the play that I specifically said wasn't going to happen on a first meet or attempts to 'go somewhere more private'. Part 2. Most female Dominants aren't going to suggest situations that are potentially unsafe for them. If it comes across as sounding shady, it might just be. Secluded area, no. Places with no cell phone coverage, no. Now your way imo is very reasonable. I question if I my tendency to lean toward Dominants who have the ability to swing the pendulum fairly wide in all directions may play a part in it too? Meaning from very mild to very extreme within the mutual interest theater with variants based on ability, limits etc. Now I have met some very kool people in the bdsm community at large and I have also met some not so kool people. In that once upon a long time ago when I was quite new, I was severely beaten and abused in a hotel setting, and once again meeting at the Domme's home for "trial" where in that particular case I flew in at night and was hauled out into the middle of nowhere and wound up sleeping with a huge butcher knife under my pillow until I could make my exit the next morning. I wont go into details but I was in fear for my life. That was several years ago and to my surprise even today I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them. I find myself in recurring situations where they demand a meeting arrangement that I am not comfortable with. The problem is of course that when I bring to their attention that what they are asking is unsafe they take it as a personal attack against their dominant authority and toss me to the curb as a "fake". I at the same time take the position they are either a newbee and have a lot to learn about D/s or they are a scammer of some sort. I digress... The perplexing question becomes say in the case of a newbee or an extreme owner situation, how does one salvage an apparent impass like this? What are the dynamics involved in this paradigm? I have never been able to come up with a workable solution in how to respond in a manner that the relationship does not disintegrate at that junction. Granted if they are a scammer I really do not care better they are not in my life. On the other hand how does one deal with the newbee or extreme owner in a manner that is fruitful and promotes a future rather than termination?

kalikshama -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 3:49:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Real0ne I find myself in recurring situations where they demand a meeting arrangement that I am not comfortable with. The problem is of course that when I bring to their attention that what they are asking is unsafe they take it as a personal attack against their dominant authority and toss me to the curb as a "fake". I at the same time take the position they are either a newbee and have a lot to learn about D/s or they are a scammer of some sort. I digress... The perplexing question becomes say in the case of a newbee or an extreme owner situation, how does one salvage an apparent impass like this? What are the dynamics involved in this paradigm? I have never been able to come up with a workable solution in how to respond in a manner that the relationship does not disintegrate at that junction. Granted if they are a scammer I really do not care better they are not in my life. On the other hand how does one deal with the newbee or extreme owner in a manner that is fruitful and promotes a future rather than termination? You don't salvage a situation like this. You thank your lucky stars that they showed their true pushy, narcissistic colors early, saving you time and trouble. I'm feeling you, because I have a predilection for control freaks myself. The last person who pushed for my address before we had the vanilla meeting turned out to have two domestic violence arrests, two different women, 12 years apart. The next person who set off warning bells also turned out to have two DVs on his record. I didn't meet either of these guys because I learned to listen to my gut after the one time I skipped the vanilla meeting: (post 34) http://www.collarchat.com/m_3493657/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#3495491

SexyBossyBBW -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 3:57:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Real0ne I question if I my tendency to lean toward Dominants who have the ability to swing the pendulum fairly wide in all directions may play a part in it too? Meaning from very mild to very extreme within the mutual interest theater with variants based on ability, limits etc. Now I have met some very kool people in the bdsm community at large and I have also met some not so kool people. In that once upon a long time ago when I was quite new, I was severely beaten and abused in a hotel setting, and once again meeting at the Domme's home for "trial" where in that particular case I flew in at night and was hauled out into the middle of nowhere and wound up sleeping with a huge butcher knife under my pillow until I could make my exit the next morning. I wont go into details but I was in fear for my life. That was several years ago and to my surprise even today I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them. So, you're attracted to the type who would take ownership immediately, and insist on having her way. You are also cautious because you've been abused in a meeting with just such a character. Do you really have the right to complain, and call it abuse, if she behaved exactly as you said you desired? I don't believe there is an absolutely safe do/don't regarding a first meeting. You get to know a person, you decide to meet, and go from there. I don't see the harm in meeting just about anyone for a coffee, or even dinner. The potential for harm or misunderstanding, IMO, comes in when you expect her to take, and do with you what she will, than find you really didn't want that as a starting point. Meetings, ought to be based on your comfort, and desire for the person you're meeting. Meetings with the expectation of immediate ownership, are potentially very problematic, given each person's willingness to dominate as she will... Much like the girl who has sex on the first night, than regrets it, there is the potential for you to imagine that her being a dominant to her specifications, resulted in severe abuse of you. I don't imagine anyone with some common sense, and desire to remain out of jail, would accept your meeting/owning at first sight, without exclusions, but that may just be moi. Meet for a coffee/drink, or dinner, and see how things go. M

kalikshama -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 4:26:06 AM)
quote: I question if I my tendency to lean toward Dominants who have the ability to swing the pendulum fairly wide in all directions may play a part in it too? The most sadistic person I ever met (and may ever meet) had TWO Starbucks meetings with me (his idea), spoke on the phone with me, gave me his address, and immediately stopped when I called Yellow, treating my Yellow as a Red. The fact that this guy is very extreme did not prevent him from following basic meeting protocols and having good manners. The second time we played, he gave me my first g-spot orgasm :)

LadyPact -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 8:07:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Real0ne Now your way imo is very reasonable. I question if I my tendency to lean toward Dominants who have the ability to swing the pendulum fairly wide in all directions may play a part in it too? Meaning from very mild to very extreme within the mutual interest theater with variants based on ability, limits etc. Now I have met some very kool people in the bdsm community at large and I have also met some not so kool people. In that once upon a long time ago when I was quite new, I was severely beaten and abused in a hotel setting, and once again meeting at the Domme's home for "trial" where in that particular case I flew in at night and was hauled out into the middle of nowhere and wound up sleeping with a huge butcher knife under my pillow until I could make my exit the next morning. I wont go into details but I was in fear for my life. That was several years ago and to my surprise even today I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them. I find myself in recurring situations where they demand a meeting arrangement that I am not comfortable with. The problem is of course that when I bring to their attention that what they are asking is unsafe they take it as a personal attack against their dominant authority and toss me to the curb as a "fake". I at the same time take the position they are either a newbee and have a lot to learn about D/s or they are a scammer of some sort. I digress... The perplexing question becomes say in the case of a newbee or an extreme owner situation, how does one salvage an apparent impass like this? What are the dynamics involved in this paradigm? I have never been able to come up with a workable solution in how to respond in a manner that the relationship does not disintegrate at that junction. Granted if they are a scammer I really do not care better they are not in my life. On the other hand how does one deal with the newbee or extreme owner in a manner that is fruitful and promotes a future rather than termination? I don't know if I have a good answer to some of your questions. I suppose that I have to ask you in return is, do you really want to salvage a situation where the potential Owner doesn't have a concern for your safety before you've even met? From what you are saying here, you've obviously had some bad experiences. Whether someone has had them happen to the personally or not, we know that they happen because if nothing else, we've heard other people's stories. I'd tend to think that I would be concerned if I was dealing with someone who didn't know such things can happen. That goes for both sides of the kneel. Truth be told, the first time that I took clip for a private play date, I made him make a safe call before I'd lay a hand on him. That wasn't just for his protection. It was for Mine, too. (While a person can't legally consent to being beaten, I've got a much better shot at getting out of next day remorse problems if an outside third party is aware that everyone involved is in the situation of their own free will.) I'll be real honest with you here. As a Dominant woman, I'm pretty cautious. If I was a bottom, I'd probably be even worse, and if people called Me fake for that, I'd be ok with it. One of the pointers that redbottomgirl gave was getting a Dominant's address before meeting. No, I don't do that. There's potential there to jeopardize My safety and I won't go for it. I'll be happy to introduce you to someone in that munch or club setting who knows or has access to My address so that you can know there is a recourse if there is an issue, but nobody needs to know where I live before we've met. I'll be happy to do what I can to reassure someone that they will be safe with Me, including walking people into major clubs and telling them that they can ask anyone they wish about My reputation. Where I draw the line is the place that My ass is hanging in the wind farther than yours.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 9:04:50 AM)
No one owns anyone before they have even met. Ownership is a tremendous rresponsibility, and to claim such sight unseen? Absurd. A role play, perhaps, but the risks to the "slave" would be high. All my first meets are in public places. What happens afterward...is open to negotiation! Personally, I think safe calls are an utter waste, they offer a very false sense of security. If you are meeting in public, and staying in public, you shouldn't need a faraway chaperone, anyway, right? So often I see people lose sight of the fact that we are setting up to meet other people---total strangers that we have no relationship with. Why should the rules be different than for a vanilla meet? Use your common sense, keep it in your pants, smile pretty, and be polite. Easy peasy! :)

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 9:40:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW quote: ORIGINAL: Real0ne I question if I my tendency to lean toward Dominants who have the ability to swing the pendulum fairly wide in all directions may play a part in it too? Meaning from very mild to very extreme within the mutual interest theater with variants based on ability, limits etc. Now I have met some very kool people in the bdsm community at large and I have also met some not so kool people. In that once upon a long time ago when I was quite new, I was severely beaten and abused in a hotel setting, and once again meeting at the Domme's home for "trial" where in that particular case I flew in at night and was hauled out into the middle of nowhere and wound up sleeping with a huge butcher knife under my pillow until I could make my exit the next morning. I wont go into details but I was in fear for my life. That was several years ago and to my surprise even today I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them. **So, you're attracted to the type who would take ownership immediately, and insist on having her way. You are also cautious because you've been abused in a meeting with just such a character. Do you really have the right to complain, and call it abuse, if she behaved exactly as you said you desired? I am not sure that your take on what I said is the same thing as what I said, but you make a good point nonetheless and have given me pause for thought. I have to think about that. I don't believe there is an absolutely safe do/don't regarding a first meeting. You get to know a person, you decide to meet, and go from there.** I don't see the harm in meeting just about anyone for a coffee, or even dinner. The potential for harm or misunderstanding, IMO, comes in when you expect her to take, and do with you what she will, than find you really didn't want that as a starting point. Meetings, ought to be based on your comfort, and desire for the person you're meeting. Meetings with the expectation of immediate ownership, are potentially very problematic, given each person's willingness to dominate as she will... Much like the girl who has sex on the first night, than regrets it, there is the potential for you to imagine that her being a dominant to her specifications, resulted in severe abuse of you. I don't imagine anyone with some common sense, and desire to remain out of jail, would accept your meeting/owning at first sight, without exclusions, but that may just be moi. Meet for a coffee/drink, or dinner, and see how things go. M yes that was always my view on it also, email intro, talk, meet, then scene or trial period.

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 9:50:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama quote: ORIGINAL: Real0ne I find myself in recurring situations where they demand a meeting arrangement that I am not comfortable with. The problem is of course that when I bring to their attention that what they are asking is unsafe they take it as a personal attack against their dominant authority and toss me to the curb as a "fake". I at the same time take the position they are either a newbee and have a lot to learn about D/s or they are a scammer of some sort. I digress... The perplexing question becomes say in the case of a newbee or an extreme owner situation, how does one salvage an apparent impass like this? What are the dynamics involved in this paradigm? I have never been able to come up with a workable solution in how to respond in a manner that the relationship does not disintegrate at that junction. Granted if they are a scammer I really do not care better they are not in my life. On the other hand how does one deal with the newbee or extreme owner in a manner that is fruitful and promotes a future rather than termination? You don't salvage a situation like this. You thank your lucky stars that they showed their true pushy, narcissistic colors early, saving you time and trouble. I'm feeling you, because I have a predilection for control freaks myself. The last person who pushed for my address before we had the vanilla meeting turned out to have two domestic violence arrests, two different women, 12 years apart. The next person who set off warning bells also turned out to have two DVs on his record. I didn't meet either of these guys because I learned to listen to my gut after the one time I skipped the vanilla meeting: (post 34) http://www.collarchat.com/m_3493657/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#3495491 Thats for all intents and purposes the way I have been approaching it, that if someone refuses to understand that even a D/s relationship is a 2 party relationship nonetheless, that even if a person were to get lucky and meet someone who is safe even in lieu of outward appearances maybe this would carry over into the daily routine and wind up untenable anyway. I was hoping there was a way around it always ending up in one or the other terminating it but maybe there isnt.

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 9:58:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I don't know if I have a good answer to some of your questions. I suppose that I have to ask you in return is, do you really want to salvage a situation where the potential Owner doesn't have a concern for your safety before you've even met? From what you are saying here, you've obviously had some bad experiences. Whether someone has had them happen to the personally or not, we know that they happen because if nothing else, we've heard other people's stories. I'd tend to think that I would be concerned if I was dealing with someone who didn't know such things can happen. That goes for both sides of the kneel. Truth be told, the first time that I took clip for a private play date, I made him make a safe call before I'd lay a hand on him. That wasn't just for his protection. It was for Mine, too. (While a person can't legally consent to being beaten, I've got a much better shot at getting out of next day remorse problems if an outside third party is aware that everyone involved is in the situation of their own free will.) I'll be real honest with you here. As a Dominant woman, I'm pretty cautious. If I was a bottom, I'd probably be even worse, and if people called Me fake for that, I'd be ok with it. One of the pointers that redbottomgirl gave was getting a Dominant's address before meeting. No, I don't do that. There's potential there to jeopardize My safety and I won't go for it. I'll be happy to introduce you to someone in that munch or club setting who knows or has access to My address so that you can know there is a recourse if there is an issue, but nobody needs to know where I live before we've met. I'll be happy to do what I can to reassure someone that they will be safe with Me, including walking people into major clubs and telling them that they can ask anyone they wish about My reputation. Where I draw the line is the place that My ass is hanging in the wind farther than yours. That is possibly the best method of meeting that I have heard to date. People can meet in a social environment and if there is no personal connection turn around and immediately socialize with others. The idea of insisting a safe call is also an excellent approach imo. Really that is another point, that the Dominant needs to be safe as well, and my concern, being the sub and benevolent I tend to worry more about my butt and from experience I can say that once a sub is in bondage what ever is going to happen happens and the Dominant is in total control. Great suggestions....

Real0ne -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 10:10:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus No one owns anyone before they have even met. Ownership is a tremendous rresponsibility, and to claim such sight unseen? Absurd. A role play, perhaps, but the risks to the "slave" would be high. All my first meets are in public places. What happens afterward...is open to negotiation! Personally, I think safe calls are an utter waste, they offer a very false sense of security. If you are meeting in public, and staying in public, you shouldn't need a faraway chaperone, anyway, right? So often I see people lose sight of the fact that we are setting up to meet other people---total strangers that we have no relationship with. Why should the rules be different than for a vanilla meet? Use your common sense, keep it in your pants, smile pretty, and be polite. Easy peasy! :) That brings up another good point. It sort of reminds me of the AOL "ASL" days. LOL AOL cyber-chatters would approach life-stylers just role playing. Understandably they were not received very well by the community. I have to laugh when I think about the role players first email intro..."on your knees slut" for me and for sub females it was was usually "on your knees bitch". LOL I can understand that some Dominants desire to keep it as real as possible from the onset but that is true, until the collar is officially around the neck no-one is owned and no-one is an owner-of. You make good points, why should it be any different than meeting in an initial vanilla meet......

Phoenixpower -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 10:11:14 AM)
I have met in public place as well as at my place and at his place at first meets, however an experience I had with a Dom whom I liked a lot (and who isn't a bad person as such) showed me not to bother to meet at my place until I also know his private details such as telephone number or place. We got on very well in general and I trusted his view that he would exchange phone numbers when we meet (which can be considered as fair enough) however once we met he then showed his true colours a la that he would never let a woman into his house as that would be disrespectful to his kids and whilst they live at a different continent they visit him a lot...so...reflecting back I would have wished I would not have met him at my place either as quite frankly, just because he was (as he admitted) overprotective regarding his kids (imo in that case it was more a lame excuse than overprotective) who lived thousands of miles away from him, doesnt give him any right to more privacy than my right of privacy...therefore, if a guy comes up with any fuss about phone number once we meet then I would treat it as a yellow flag for the time being and make more sure as well in the future not to meet him at my place...no matter how well we get on.

sexyred1 -> RE: First Time Meeting - Do's? Don'ts? Best way? (12/25/2010 10:17:06 AM)
Again, the rules of meeting people for the first time are the same here as in vanilla life. People seem to want to make it a problem in that they create these ridiculous expectations of meeting and what will happen right away, how the relationship will play out, etc., etc. Why doesn't anyone just use their heads when setting up meetings? My best advice and one that has kept me safe and never harmed ONCE since doing this since my teen years is: -Talk first on the phone, get a phone number -If that goes well, meet SHORTLY thereafter, not weeks and weeks where the other person has time to build up whatever fantasy ideal they have of you -Meet in a public place -Be smart, charming and courteous, no need to let it all hang out, or to go overboard with anything -Ask intelligent and insightful questions, get the other person talking, see if they listen to you, if they ask you questions about YOU, see if it seems all about them (and I don't give a damn if the person is dominant, it should still be about you both at this juncture) - If all they talk about is sex or BDSM, I change the topic and if they keep bringing it up, I politely get up and leave -Don't have much physical contact (I may kiss someone if attracted, that is it) -If they act like an asshole and put their hands on you (yeah, it happens all the time to me), tell them off and leave quickly in your own car -If they act in a class manner, arrange to chat again, see if and how they follow up, call or text, etc. If someone takes too long to get back to me, I lose interest -Meet again in a public place and do something fun; if that goes well, the third time you meet is usually an indicator of things to come. -If anyone is pushy, tell them to fuck off -Don't let your fantasy fulfillment get in the way of your brain and safety Of course, many people I know, including me, have done more or less with the above suggestions and have been successful/failed at some of the above, but in the end, it really is all about you and your comfort during a first time meeting.

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