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Cula -> Question (1/1/2011 9:02:13 PM)

First off let me say that Im posting from an iPhone so I apologize for the spelling and grammar.

Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.






salemartist -> RE: Question (1/1/2011 9:18:40 PM)

why not seperate the D/s roleplay and the sex? you can play with the D/s part of the relationship to satify that craving and later on or even on a differnt day seperate from your D/s playtime have convential sex and concentrate on stimulating and satisfying her needs. it may be a case of too much sexual energy being directed into the D/s play. Certainly you dont need to have sexual gratification during D/s play, and vise versa



Outlier2 -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 1:16:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.


Cula,

I would take the position that being empathetic gives you a big advantage as a dominant.  Your radar is always turned on to the other person and you are focused on them.  You are not just self centered and using someone else so you can feel good about yourself, you are actually engaged in this with her.  And because she knows this she is much more likely to open up and trust you with her innermost self.  Win/Win

Being tuned into the other person means you are much more likely to make the right move at the right time.  The more sensitive and aware of them you are the better.  It should mean that you will be better equipped to go to the edge without crossing over it.  Since she is your wife you will be around her when you are not playing and you will get clues then too, which you can use to guide you.  In short, it is a very powerful tool for you to be a dominant.

If you find that your empathy is getting in the way of being strong, willful and powerful
with her then you need to remember that this is what she wants and "needs" and trust her to use her safeword if you go too far.  I would not be surprised that while she may not enjoy the immediate action she is very aroused by the thought that you are strong enough to demand it.

Have her write up a few fantasies for you to enact at your choosing.  And then do them with her.  Afterwords have her write up a journal with her thoughts for you to read and/or review together.  It will help you to find the comfort line for both of you.  I suspect you will uncover some delicious surprises about both of you, I wish it for you both.

There is also an excellent very respected book called "The Loving Dominant". 

I checked out your profile before I wrote this and I saw you checked out mine.  So you know how I felt about my sub.  Feeling tender towards your submissive is not mutually exclusive with WISTWD (What It Is That We Do).   I learned that it just had to be incorporated into the bigger picture of the relationship.

Outlier



Cula -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 2:12:51 AM)

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



CherryNeko -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 2:47:51 AM)

It's pretty stupid that I didn't realize before, but now that you say it, I guess not all Doms are like that. Oh, well, I thought all Dominants were so like you.
So it means I like this certain kind of Dominant... oooh! Never thought about it before...

Ehem. We were saying.

I'm expected to say 'thank you, Sir' each time unless I can't stand it. I have to say it as soon as I can, and then another one will come. Again, 'thank you, Sir' and just wait for the next one...
We have a safeword, and if it isn't fun anymore, well I'd have to use it. However, either he is not pushing me yet or he always knows when I am close to saying it, and moves on to something else.
-------this is completely irrelevant-------------
And then he will stop the cold stares, and he gets all kind and tender, and touches me gently, and he says it's only one more to go.
Like how can someone refuse. So I close my eyes and well though it usually isn't just once more, it's a nice break and I'm ready for more, and sometimes he repeats...
I think maybe you could do that.



Outlier2 -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 2:59:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



Then how do you know that she wants to be your sub?
How do you know what you want is consensual ? 



Cula -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 5:27:11 AM)

Ok

I guess I'm going to have to lay out some back storie in order for my
questions or desire for advice to make sence.

After 16 years of marriage ( in which our sex life always had a great deal of bsdm to it) my wife and I split up.
We had gone through a few very bad years I.E. Constant fighting, financial problems and general lack of effort
on both our parts.
During the split she came to the Conclusion she was "slave" more then a sub and found herself a master.
Now obviously this did not workout and we ended up back together after a few months.
But according to her she did love the idea of being a slave just with me and no one else as her master.

Now here is where we begin to have problems. She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave
and set ideas as to what it means to be a master. And while stating repeatedly that she only wants to please
me ( a large part of the problem in our marriage before was her being spoiled) she also had a great deal of conditions set on how
This dynamic would work.
Now without going over all her conditions (which are not at all unreasonable) I was/ am very eager for this dynamic to Unfold.
The problem was and is time. And I fear that I put a great deal of pressure on it starting sooner rather than later as I saw it as a fix
to a lot of issues in out relationship.
( A quick side note. The "problems" I thought it would fix where things like her making 90% of the decisions in our marriage due to me wanting to always keep her happy even thou I hated it being very controling by nature. Ends up she hated being the one in Charge just as much. The other Problem I thought it would fix was sex. While we always had a great sex life I can never seem to get enough and thought "hey having a slave would be great as long as she is willing I could have sex everyday" which leads to the issue I'm having now)
To get back to the point I may have beat this subject to death and now she refuses to discuss it at all.
This leads us to tonight when I decided it would be a great idea to have some rough pre-work sex ( I work graves and she had continuously told me to be more assertive ) and proceded to force her to her knees then bend her over the bed all the while telling her she was my little whore and would due what I wanted when I wanted so on and so forth.
She responded great with "yes sir" and following comands.... For about the first 10 min then she very subtly reminded me she was still badly hungover from new years eve by turning a little green.
Obviously by my earlier post I lost all desire to continue and after tucking her into bed apologized for the shitty timing and left for work.
Now I'm not sure If I came here (to the forums) looking to here that I'm just a shit Dom due to my inability to just not care if she is into it or wondering if it is even possible to start a Master Slave dynamic 16 years into a marriage.
To end this post let me say that we love eachother very much so much so that I think we would both rather go back a vanilla life style then ruin our marriage.
But I don't think that's what either of us wants.
So I ask for advice. And apologize for the wall of text.
And again please forgive the grammar and spelling I am posting with an iPhone while working. : )
Cula



mbes -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 6:10:12 AM)

My other half isn't crazy about having sex with me when I'm not into it either. Which is a problem for me sometimes, because I do want him to do it, whether it's what I want at the moment or not. I'm just contradictory at times like that. [:D]
A lot of what I have had to get over as we've been exploring these things is that MY ideas about the states of slavery and mastery are certainly important, but as the s-type, I need to follow his lead on these things. Perhaps that is something the two of you could discuss?



DesFIP -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 6:41:18 AM)

She needs a lot of education in what D/s is. She has all these preconceived ideas of what a master does or a slave does and so on. All it comes down to is that you make the decisions and she obeys. So when she refuses to talk about sex, why aren't you asserting your dominance and punishing her? I don't normally recommend punishment over communication but in this instance I think she's looking to be forced into obeying you.

You could just spank her, assuming you don't do that for play. Or make her stand in the corner. Or scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Anything unpleasant that will not harm her but will remind her who makes the decisions.

Beyond that, I'd get a book about sex, and read it together, asking her at frequent intervals if she likes that position or not.

However your marriage was rocky before this, and d/s or m/s is not a cure for a bad marriage. Try couple therapy.

As far as sex goes. He feeds off my energy and wants me to enjoy it. But if I said I was nauseous or sick, he wouldn't demand it either. If I don't feel that I can be orgasmic that day, then he just gets a bj and doesn't play with me. There are ways for you to get your needs met without making her feel like a failure because she can't cum.



anniezz338 -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 7:53:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



You're to be commended for your love of your wife and concern for her well being. As any good relationship, no matter your bend, should be.

But communication is big in any type of relationship and some details need to be discussed. I don't know what you do when she refuses to do the above, but maybe tell her how important it is. If she still refuses, tell her to go clean the gutters, shovel snow, whatever and think about it. Take away something if that don't work. If she still persist, tell her not to plan anything for about a week, except for the have to do's....lol. Things like this could be very telling in which way your relationship will go. Just my thoughts.

Personally, that would make me crazy. Letting me get away with something that really needs to be discussed would just frustrate me. Good luck to you.





KnightofMists -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 8:41:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.



Yes!



Buzzzz -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 8:43:11 AM)

I believe there is a lot of communication/writing to have in the near future. I would have her do an assignment .. subject would be "what is you description of a slave". 1000 words , hand written neatly... (just my opinion)... then discussion about what her view is and what yours is..That would be just a start.



AquaticSub -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 4:32:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

First off let me say that Im posting from an iPhone so I apologize for the spelling and grammar.


Aren't they fun? [:)]
quote:


Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.

Provide her pleasure at and for your pleasure. [:)]

It's if you can't relate to her as dom/sub while doing the things that are mutually enjoyable that is a problem.



AquaticSub -> RE: Question (1/2/2011 4:38:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
Now here is where we begin to have problems. She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave
and set ideas as to what it means to be a master.

Question: Set ideas how to be a slave and how to be a master or set ideas on how she wants to have a master/slave dynamic?
quote:


Now I'm not sure If I came here (to the forums) looking to here that I'm just a shit Dom due to my inability to just not care if she is into it or wondering if it is even possible to start a Master Slave dynamic 16 years into a marriage.

There is nothing wrong with caring that she doesn't feel well - I presume you allowed her to drink to the extent where she would be so hungover. Bring her home some OJ and bend her over the bed once she's slept.
quote:


So I ask for advice. And apologize for the wall of text.
And again please forgive the grammar and spelling I am posting with an iPhone while working. : )
Cula


Talk.

Talk a lot. Write letters to each other and to yourself. Strongly consider a kink-friendly therapist. Obviously you have relationship issues and a power dynamic isn't a quick fix. But it maybe learning together could help you two. Who knows?

Communication is going to be vital. I wish you all the best!



leadership527 -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 11:36:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset?

That depends on what you mean by "dom". Carol would tell you that I am very dominant -- not just with her, but with the world at large. Other people of a more BDSM-ey persuasion would tell you that I'm not dominant at all. But whether I'm dominant or not, I happen to like mutually enjoyable sex. For me, it's not so much that if she's not in the mood, then I don't want to force her. It's more like, "If she's not in the mood, then the thing I want isn't available to me anyway so why bother?"

For us, it goes like this...

Carol is in the mood: WOOHOO! Great time is had by all.
Carol is not in mood: I exert dominance on her to get her into the mood then see above.
The above fails: Almost inevitably that leaves her at "neutral" which works it's way into something positive once we get started.

VERY rarely, I have taken Carol when she was vigorously against the idea. I took minimal pleasure in doing so. I did it because our relationship needed it to be done.



sexyred1 -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 12:04:23 PM)

I think all men, Dom or not should be concerned whether their partner is enjoying themselves sexually.

Why is that even a question?

You have elaborated on your situation and it is more complicated that the first post. I would advise, like the others, to communicate openly.



osf -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 12:15:35 PM)

it must just be me but i can enjoy her not enjoying herself



sexyred1 -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 12:20:59 PM)

It takes all kinds, osf, all kinds. [;)]



osf -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 1:06:01 PM)

but my kind isn't always kind



daddysprop247 -> RE: Question (1/3/2011 3:33:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

it must just be me but i can enjoy her not enjoying herself


trust me, it's not just you. [:D]



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