Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (Full Version)

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CallaFirestormBW -> Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 2:35:10 AM)

Ok, so I didn't want to hijack LP's thread, but I noticed something, and I want to ask the question --

Does "Casual play" mean "Casual Sex" to a large segment of the BDSM population?

A second question that comes up for me is:

"Does the term "casual" play-partner automatically imply "one-night-stand" play partner to the general BDSM population?

These questions are important to me, as I think that my perceptions of these issues may differ greatly, from the responses I've seen to LP's "casual play" question.

Calla



ThePeripatetic -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 2:55:15 AM)

I also noticed that trend in the posts on LP's thread of people somehow connecting casual play with sex. Maybe not making a direct link between the two but at least alluding to it.

For me, "casual play" and "casual sex" are definitely not synonymous. There's a distinct difference in my mind. Admittedly some play has much more of a potential to leading toward individuals being aroused and/or sex than other kinds of play. But that doesn't necessarily have to be the case. In my experience, I can be doing a "casual scene" with impact play and sex will be the last thing on my mind. I guess it just depends on who's playing, what their objectives are for participating, and what's been negotiated or discussed before the play.

And in response to your second question, absolutely no, "casual play-partner" does not automatically imply a one night stand for me. I would have a difficult time playing with someone if that's the impression they had.



allthatjaz -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 3:11:45 AM)

I have done lots of casual play but I can put my hand on my heart and say that I never had sex with anyone I casually played with.
I know one guy that has been casually playing with the same woman for 2 years. She has never become his sub but they consider each other a safe option when playing in clubs and at parties.
Steve and me started off by casually playing but then we had sex so we had to get married [;)]



LadyPact -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 6:58:00 AM)

Good Morning Calla,

To Me personally, casual play does not mean casual sex.  As in the example you cited, I will often make sure the distinction is made so there is no confusion in the matter.

I can't say if a large segment of the population believes they are one in the same or not.  I will say that I've read enough comments from people over the years who do specify play as a sexual thing for them.  It's the very reason why a lot of folks don't engage in casual play to begin with.  Due to the fact that they link it with physical sex, so they don't engage in play unless it is with someone whom they have that type of relationship.  (Not the only reason, of course, but it comes up often enough.)

Again, I can't speak to what the general population thinks about the term, but I'm pretty literal about the term casual play partner.  It doesn't necessarily imply one scene only.  I will use that term if I am describing what happened during that time period.  I am playing with that person, so that makes them a play partner for that scene.  Still, most of the time that I use the term, I'm talking about someone where I have an on-going arrangement.  I've gone to clubs and done one time only play, but in most cases, if I play with someone once, they will want to play again and we tend to fall into becoming regular play partners.  Right now, I have four that I consider regular, meaning that we have an established understanding. 

One important distinction here.  I do not call My play partners submissives.  Personality wise, three of those four are submissive with the fourth who identifies as a switch.  I make the distinction because they are not submissive to Me.  They are friends that I play with who happen to be submissive, which means that play partner is the more appropriate term.



mummyman321 -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:04:57 AM)

I do not equate to casual play = one night stand. For me casual play is play with a friend but with no intent for a relationship other than friendship. Casual Play also does not equate to casual sex for me either. More times than not sex is not part of my play.

Why do I engage in casual play? Simply, there are very few Dommes remotely close to me. Additionally I travel for work. I am on the road 50 - 70% of the time. This makes finding a local Domme, or even a steady relationship, locally all that much harder. So I will play, mainly with friends I have met over years, if our schedules align. The reality is that may happen 2 or 3 times in a years span if I am lucky. If I am courting a Domme or in a relationship with a Domme I do not play casually.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:15:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW


Does "Casual play" mean "Casual Sex" to a large segment of the BDSM population?

A second question that comes up for me is:

"Does the term "casual" play-partner automatically imply "one-night-stand" play partner to the general BDSM population?

These questions are important to me, as I think that my perceptions of these issues may differ greatly, from the responses I've seen to LP's "casual play" question.

Calla



I don't know what everybody else thinks, but for me absolutely not, casual play is not casual sex, and a casual play partner is not a one-night stand. Sometimes you can play with somebody casually a few times, you can be pretty good friends but you are not a couple or in some sort of BDSM relationship, for example I can be friends with a masochist and casually play with him or her quite often, still doesn't mean we're going to have sex.



kalikshama -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:20:48 AM)

I agree with all of the above; "Casual play" /= "Casual Sex"



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:38:41 AM)

For me, playing is just playing. For many, play seems to equate to getting someone's frat pin...which is okay for them, but *IMO* means they are not having as much fun as they could have!



AquaticSub -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:44:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

"Does the term "casual" play-partner automatically imply "one-night-stand" play partner to the general BDSM population?



Nope.

I have had casual sex and I have had casual play. I have never had casual sex with anyone I've casually scened with. Hell, I've only kissed two of all the people I've scened with.



Phoenixpower -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 7:54:11 AM)

I do understand and agree that casual play doesn't equal casual sex but in that respect my response in LadyP's thread stemmed from the fact that casual play does not give me anything at all, as I am not someone who goes off from the aspects of Bdsm itself, I do enjoy it when the guy is in charge naturally, which is why it is only a desire for me in a Ltr and in no other short term aspect. Therefore with casual meetings in regards to Bdsm not giving anything to me, I added the common example which would include sex, as thats simply too often coming from blokes I met in my life, which simply isn't a turn on for me either with a stranger.
So I agree that casual play does not equal having sex but sounds even more abstract to me (not meant in a negative way, just in a not-my-cup-of-tea way). [:)]



81song -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 9:33:22 AM)

A  to the the first question I do not think D/s is casual sex.I see it very different. Years ago when Key West was a cheap place to live there were all kinds of orgies going on the island but I never went to one, kind of a nerd you might say. But because I do not have a Domme I have to go in search of and very carefully I would say. But sex is so much different kind of thing. In D/s it is so much more of a head thing for me at least.
As to the 2nd question, no I am not for any one night stands. f I do meet a Domme and things are going well, then yes we might have a scene that is first time and my hope would be if all goes well we could meet again. But as sometimes happens it is not a good scene (like this one time the after care really sucked) then I d not go back. But I would no think of it as a one night stand.



LadyNTrainer -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 11:57:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
Does "Casual play" mean "Casual Sex" to a large segment of the BDSM population?


Oh, goodness, no.  I'll happily do a casual SM scene with someone I just met whose energy I like, but my clothes stay on.  For safety reasons, none of our poly household engages in play with people outside our family that has any potential vector of STD risk.  PIV/PIA sex, even with condoms, is more of a risk than we are okay with taking, because there's three people's health on the line.  Oral with barriers is close enough to zero risk to be acceptable, but in practice we don't really run into too many situations where that's on the table anyhow. 


quote:

"Does the term "casual" play-partner automatically imply "one-night-stand" play partner to the general BDSM population?


No.  If you like someone enough to play with them once at a play party, why wouldn't you do it again?  I guess if it sucked the first time and you weren't compatible, you might not.  



LPslittleclip -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 6:22:02 PM)

as LadyPacts slave i have been allowed to play with others but never to have sex with them. even before i was collared there was play with Mistress but no sex and there was sex with my wife. i do know of some that feel that the 2 are the same but that is there choice



littlewonder -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 6:36:27 PM)

for me casual play and casual sex are the same thing. I can't do either one. I invest waaaay too much in a person to be able to do so these days. When I was younger I did it all the time and was left feeling empty and cold. I no longer can bring myself to feel that way.

I don't necessarily see casual play as a one night stand. You could have a "play buddy" who is just someone you play with and go home and forget about till the next time so it's not just a love em and leave em type but it's still not something I could do but lots of people seem to be ok with it.




Ambyant -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/10/2011 6:56:54 PM)

No, not the same at all.
I have earrings that I always wear, never remove. I have other holes in My ears that I fill temporarily with fancy one day earrings.  casual play is not casual sex.  sex would only gum up the works.
   
just sayin'



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Casual Play = Casual Sex???? (1/11/2011 2:50:40 AM)

Thanks to everyone who has responded. Now that so many have spoken up, I don't feel like I'll derail things by stating my own thoughts on this, so here goes.

For me, "casual" play is just that -- the opportunity to do things that I don't necessarily get to do often, because the people that I share a primary relationship with don't enjoy them. Piercing, fireplay, cutting, etc., are things I enjoy, but for me, they are "icing" -- I don't choose my primary relationships based on whether or not the other person will let me poke them with needles or set them on fire (completely euphamistically speaking, here). I choose my primary long-term relationships based on the authority dynamic and household skills that will make our home a better place. My particular fetishes are not critical to the function of the house -- so many times, my enjoyment of those "treats" happens with people who are not part of the household, but who -do- share my love of blood, needles and fire. It has nothing to do with sex (which is why much of what I love in this area I now participate in with a different group of people entirely, in the body-mod community). While these may be -very- intense sessions, sex is NEVER a part of the picture for these. In the same way, while I may do a flogging or cropping at a club, it is NOT an invitation to my bed.

In the same way, casual play partners are NOT "one night stands" for me. Because of the kind of play that I do, there is -always- a prep period. Blood is often spilled, so everyone has to take the time to assure that good health is shared by all, and frankly, for most of my regular play partners, we have gone -together- to get necessary testing, so that everyone is equally vested in its importance.

Like Lady P, the people with whom I play 'casually' are not "my submissives" or "my servants", even if they gravitate towards having a submissive nature or yielding in service to someone.They may bottom to me for our sessions (when one considers bottoming to be the receiving party, and topping to be the party -doing- the activity -to- the other person), but I have had a couple of play partners with whom I did branding and piercing play who were -dominant- by nature... but who really enjoyed getting pierced and branded, and, in fact, I am dominant by nature (and a heck of a control-freak) myself, but will happily bottom to the folk who draw on me with needles in pretty colors (my tattooists! *grins*). When I am in that chair or on that table, they are -gods-, and I have no problem answering to them in the demesne in which they hold sway.

Over the years, most of my 'casual' play partners have actually been friends and folk with whom I've had more than one session. Even for those with whom I -did- only have one session, though, it was never a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" mentality. We went into it with forethought and planning, and came out of it (yes, even the sessions that really didn't work for us) with at least the respect of knowing that everyone involved was fully present and valued the opportunity.

Calla



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