Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant]


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:03:29 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		This post is based on some interaction in another thread. In the interests of not co-opting that thread, and in generalizing, rather than limiting this to any one person, I would like to discuss an issue that is really -big- on my mind at the moment.

I've seen a number of posts over my months on CollarChat from individuals who were in a trust-based relationship with another person, and, when that person was away, they felt the need to search through the person's belongings, scan through their computer, read their emails, look at their chat logs, search their drawers, etc. I have a SERIOUS issue with this.

My feeling about trust-based relationships is that they are founded on trust. To me, waiting around for the person you are in a relationship with to leave, travel, go away, go shopping, or whatever, and then going through their personal belongings (including their computer) speaks to me of a =profound= betrayal of that person's trust. Regardless of what is found, for me, the individual doing the snooping is betraying trust as much as any act the other person may or may not have done.

My feeling about this is that, if an individual in a trust-based relationship has questions about the possible behaviors of his or her partner, it is up to that individual to address those questions with the individual IN PERSON. If the answers do not seem sincere, or if the individual shows signs of hiding something and the questioner cannot be patient and wait for resolution without snooping through private materials, he or she -really- needs to look at whether the relationship is healthy at all.

I have been in some relationships with individuals that I suspected were lying to me about one or more aspects of their lives. NEVER have I betrayed -their- trust by prying into their private information/property without their permission. Instead, I've taken the time to talk to them, to ask questions, to allay my concerns by listening to them, AND by being completely trustworthy and open to discussion, so that if they -did- have something to confess, they would KNOW that they could come and talk to me, and that we would find a way to work things out, or to address the issue in a way that would be respectful of both of our humanity -- and if I discovered that they had no interest in respecting my humanity in the course of our discussions, I knew that I could choose to accept the choices that they made and forgive, or I could choose to walk away.

To me, it is completely dishonorable to behave in an untrustworthy manner, and this cannot be justified because one suspects that someone -else- is behaving in an untrustworthy manner. Two wrongs do -not- make a right, and how can someone be trusted in a future situation if they say "Oh, I thought so-and-so was out to screw me over, so I pried into all of so-and-so's private stuff, just to make sure that I wasn't getting screwed." I could never trust someone that I knew behaved so unethically.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:09:07 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Well said, never would i induldge in such behavior, nor would i stay in a relationship with someone i suspected of such contemptable ill bred nonsense.


_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:10:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Yup.  I've learned just to be totally honest about it.  I go up to the drawer and say "Hey is it ok if I go through this?" or I pick up their journal and say "Hey is it ok if I read this?"

My local partner still gets a bit thrown off by just HOW curious and ferretlike I am about it...but at least I'm completely up front about it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:14:17 PM   
VikingLady53


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: VikingLady53
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing


I've seen a number of posts over my months on CollarChat from individuals who were in a trust-based relationship with another person, and, when that person was away, they felt the need to search through the person's belongings, scan through their computer, read their emails, look at their chat logs, search their drawers, etc. I have a SERIOUS issue with this.

<snip>

To me, it is completely dishonorable to behave in an untrustworthy manner, and this cannot be justified because one suspects that someone -else- is behaving in an untrustworthy manner. Two wrongs do -not- make a right, and how can someone be trusted in a future situation if they say "Oh, I thought so-and-so was out to screw me over, so I pried into all of so-and-so's private stuff, just to make sure that I wasn't getting screwed." I could never trust someone that I knew behaved so unethically.

Lady Zephyr



Most honorable Lady Zephyr,

This girl agrees with you completely.  Although my Gorean master has every right to inspect anything that this one holds, there is a mutual respect between us.  If Sir wants to know something, He asks.  If this one feels the need for information, she asks.

Going through another persons possessions, in this one's mind, is tantamount to "mental rape".



_____________________________

I wish you enough,

~VL53

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:16:50 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		People who usually demand trust usually demand it because they know they are untrustworthy themselves so I've an issue with 'trust' based relationships. If I was going to be in a relationship I would assume trust as taken and if a partner was looking through my things I'd walk.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:22:40 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I am just not like that, I am trusting of the person until they prove Me otherwise, that I confront them.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:23:40 PM   
GeekFreak


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'd be much less mad about this than I would be concerned. If I woman was searching through my items to find evidence of cheating or other lies, and there was no reason for worry, I'd just want to talk to her and see why she felt she needed to do that. Most likely I'm not showing her the kind of love and attention I need to make her confident in her importance to me and my honesty to her.

However, if I did have something to hide, her wanting to snoop would probably make me angry. But if I said that she was betraying my trust, than I would probably be hypocritical by being the first to betray her trust by hiding something.

< Message edited by GeekFreak -- 5/1/2006 4:26:35 PM >

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:25:26 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		It's called "cowardice" LadyZephyr.

Not everyone is brave enough to confront others with thier feelings of insecurity.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:29:57 PM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Yup.  I've learned just to be totally honest about it.  I go up to the drawer and say "Hey is it ok if I go through this?" or I pick up their journal and say "Hey is it ok if I read this?"

My local partner still gets a bit thrown off by just HOW curious and ferretlike I am about it...but at least I'm completely up front about it.


What if they say no? lol

Sorry, had to ask.

Seriously though, thats how I am too. If they say no, I tend to pay attention to *how* they say no ... If they seem extremely offended that I even asked I might apologize and explain that I wasn't trying to be rude. If they seem worried about it, I may be a little concerned and just try to be aware of whats going on in the relationship but I don't snoop.

Now, if something is simply left out in the open ... A pair of panties that arent mine ... Or, in the case of one of my ex's, he had copied a conversation he'd had with an underage girl concerning her giving her virginity to him and having his baby ... I went to paste a joke to a chat room and that conversation is what came up instead ... I was MORTIFIED! ... But also pissed as all hell when I realized what he was doing.

So yes, I confronted him with that ..

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:31:59 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Yep. I was a little quick out of the starting blocks.

(in reply to GeekFreak)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 4:33:41 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Basically Himself and I are pretty boring. We have each others passwords to the computer and would probably each yawn if we had to read the others email. All the really good stuff is hanging on the wall of the bedroom. ;)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 5:08:30 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Basically Himself and I are pretty boring. We have each others passwords to the computer and would probably each yawn if we had to read the others email. All the really good stuff is hanging on the wall of the bedroom. ;)

Celeste


I have Master's passwords and He has one of mine, I asked Him if He'd like the others He said no. He asks me to check His emails and if there's anything that looks important I have permission to open it. I have His PIN number for His debit card so I can get His money out for Him if He is too ill to go get it Himself. Any mail that comes for Him He says I can open that too. We have absolutely no secrets at all

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 5:25:39 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I feel much the same Lady Zephyr.  This coming from someone who learned some hard lessons before the end of my marriage. 

I know a lot of dominants want access to their submissive's email accounts...why?  If he/she wants to play around on you, they are going to set up another account that you will never know of.

You trusted this person enough to ask them to submit to you or you trusted this person enough to yield control over yourself to.  If you really did agree to accept their submission/dominance, then why are you proving to them your own feelings of disbelief that they gave what they said they were by going through their stuff?  If you suspect something, then rely on one of the cornerstones of a D/s relationship and COMMUNICATE that to the submissive/dominant (and by the way...non-confrontational but direct probably works best).  Observe their behavior when they answer. 

By the way, this may not need to be said but here it is...if they say "no", that does not mean that they ARE hiding something.  It could very well be that they entered into this relationship expecting you to trust them and you are showing that you are not.  If you have reason(s) not to...fine, enumerate them.  And, if they say "Sure, go ahead and check my stuff" and you find out that there is nothing going on, don't be surprised if an apology is accepted (or not) but the breach of trust is not.  Or...if accepted, not forgotten.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 5:38:20 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

By the way, this may not need to be said but here it is...if they say "no", that does not mean that they ARE hiding something.  It could very well be that they entered into this relationship expecting you to trust them and you are showing that you are not.  If you have reason(s) not to...fine, enumerate them.  And, if they say "Sure, go ahead and check my stuff" and you find out that there is nothing going on, don't be surprised if an apology is accepted (or not) but the breach of trust is not.  Or...if accepted, not forgotten.


*nodding* Any time we enter into a relationship with someone, we enter that relationship by offering (hopefully) at least some measure of open-ness and trust up for the offering. We don't hide things here. We're forthright at all levels, even with our human seedlings, to the level of their capacity to understand -- but not making things too "icky" or giving too much detail doesn't give carte blanche to -lie- or -deceive-, even if they can't understand all the deep details yet (or don't want to -know- all the deep details, like our saplings).

Breach of trust is something that is nearly impossible to remedy. No matter whether a breach of trust is forgiven or not, it represents a rip in the fabric of the relationship -- a gap where there will never be the level of peaceful integration that there was before. There will always be a measure of hesitancy and "second guessing" of intentions, motives, and information.

The best way to handle trust issues is to be honest. Be who and what you are. Offer as much information to the individuals that you are considering being in a relationship as you are comfortable with, and move the relationship forward slowly, until you are comfortable sharing -anything- about yourself with that person. If, at any point, the individual you are considering sharing time with can't handle who and what you are, or you find yourself unable/unwilling to share certain parts of yourself with the person because you are concerned that he or she won't understand, you, he or she has the opportunity to move on... and that is a -good- thing. You don't -want- to be in a relationship with someone where you can't be yourself, or aren't sure whether he or she is being him/herself. That's a dead-end, where nobody will be happy, and someone (if not everyone) will end up getting hurt. A healthy relationship isn't going to come when it is based on wanting to be in -any- relationship so much that a person has to deny his or her own nature, or deny the nature of the person he/she's in a relationship with.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 5:53:27 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I have been on the receiving end of the snoop factor in a relationship and I will say that the relationship was never the same afterwards. I was livid! All they had to do was ask, but no, they prefered to play detective and then throw a temper tantrum, go on the attack, and turn and twist everything completely out of context of the reality. It was the very beginning of my struggle with my sexuality and I was very raw and scared. To have someone that was supposed to love me and be supportive treat me like that was very painful. In retrospect I know that it is this persons nature and their career training that helped create the behaviour, they did not set out to hurt or betray me. Neverless, they did.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 6:00:07 PM   
OnlyHis


Posts: 137
Joined: 2/25/2004
Status: offline 		Master has every right to go into any of my e mail accounts. I have asked Him if He wanted the passwords and He has said there is no need because He trusts in me and who i am communicating with. I know that i can talk to other subs and slaves but know His protocal to follow regarding other Dominants. When i write letters to friends be they lifestyle or vanilla i send them to Him first for approval.  I feel the deep trust Master has in me. Even though , at this time i am living away from Him, a long ways away , i know He trusts me to behave in a manner that He would be proud of.

_____________________________

Property of Master Deid

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 6:03:37 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darq
What if they say no? lol

Usually I just say "OK" and move onto the next thing.  Respect for consent means being ok when they say no.

After some time, I might ask again, if I didn't get the sense that it would be pushing it.

This really is one of those issues where- if a person gets it, they get it, and if they don't get it, there's nothing you can say that will help them.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 6:07:14 PM   
VvShadowspawnvV


Posts: 218
Joined: 3/27/2006
Status: offline 		Trust is important- As far as privacy goes, though, i am entitled to none, and He has no reason to 'hide' things from me, as i have no say over His actions.  ie: there is no need for Him to flirt secretly, because flirting is His right. 

becca

(in reply to OnlyHis)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 6:13:11 PM   
genvieve


Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline 		i do not think that i can add further insite to this topic, as it has been beautifully addressed...accept to say this.
 
There is absolutely no assurance that by going through someO/one's email, mail, etc... they are NOT cheating on you.  There are cell phones, work phones, home phones, friend's phones, mail boxes, po boxes, work mail, and LOTS of email accounts that can be set up.
 
If this lifestyle is supposed to be founded on Trust, Honor, and Respect...and you feel the need to go through your partner's personal items to know for sure whether or not there is infidelity... you have quite a few issues in the relationship.
 
However, if both parties are happy with sharing information, and have no need whatsoever to go through the other's information but like to have access to it just incase.  Go you...i hope it works for you.

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to VvShadowspawnvV)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] - 5/1/2006 8:24:11 PM   
slaveladyj


Posts: 161
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I have been with my current partner for twelve years, and I have never gone through his personal papers or computer files, and he has never gone through mine. We do trust each other. We tell each other most everything. Even more so lately as I have taken to exploring this side of myself to new limits. I've never given him reason to distrust me, and he's never given me reason to distrust him.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Trust: Giving and Getting [A rant] Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.095