to be a better subbie?

to be a better subbie? (Full Version)

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art4YOU -> to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:15:03 AM)
It apears a few of us subbies have not been fortunate enough to have been taken in hand yet by a Lady, myself included. Being just naturally submissive i have been thinking of ways i may practice being a subbie in the vanilla world. The main way i have determined is the simple practice of just minding my manners. It is amazing how being polite and mannerly works for me. Often i eat in restaurants and i always say "Yes Ma'am", "or "Thank You Ma'am" to the waitresses. They absolutely light up and i always get awesome service...these Ladies work hard and usually get treated indifferently and having someone show a bit of manners and Respect for them...( while NOT hitting on them for a phone number or anything, just being Mannerly) seems to help them feel better about their-selves, and the world in general...oh and i leave a tip...fair but not outrageous. Another way i practice ; driving through a parking lot there will ALWAYS be an older Lady struggling to make it through the line of traffic i make it a point to stop and wave to them, give them a smile and let them take their time going where they are headed. The smiles they give in return always make me feel great..and They get safely to where they are going. There must be many of us subbies who do this. What are some of your ideas...?. True this is NOT ..."real PLAY" but i believe it actually is "Lifestyle training" and IS a way to show i DO respect ALL Women . i hope this will eventually make me better able to serve when i am fortunate enough to have a true relationship with a Caring and Dominant Lady. What do Y/you think?

myotherself -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:26:32 AM)
As someone who was brought up by great parents, I do this as a matter of course to everyone I meet, regardless of gender. I don't see it as service, or 'subbie' training, just basic good manners. I have dominant friends (male and female) who also have good manners and behave in exactly the same way as I do. To be honest, they would not be my friends if they did not. Behaving like this may not make you a better submissive, but it will make you a better person.

DarkSteven -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:26:35 AM)
art, I tip my hat to you for this, but I don't think of this as being submissive. I try to be mannerly in my life as well. Ad people do light up because mannerliness is not so common today. I hate to say that.

Rule -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:27:58 AM)
I think that you are a submissive. Good for you!

littlewonder -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:43:53 AM)
what does what you do have anything to do with submission? What you are doing is called being a decent, nice human being. I don't do anything to "become a better subbie". I just am myself.

Rule -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:46:25 AM)
One of the characteristics of a true sub, I was told by one, is that they desire to please other people. He obviously does.

littlewonder -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 7:52:03 AM)
well then I guess we're all true subbies who actually have manners. I'm submissive in personality but that doesn't mean I want to please every human on earth. There are some people I like to see live in misery and wouldn't pick up a single finger to help them because they don't deserve my desire to please.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 8:03:22 AM)
Hello art, I commend you for understanding the importance of respect and civility in regards to how you treat others. Gentlemanly behavior and manners never go out of style. That being said, please don't confuse civility with submission. What I get from your post is that you wish to become more desireable to a dominant woman, yes? If this is the case, I would suggest you focus on becoming the best person you can be. This is much more attractive than manners for the sake of appearing submissive and pleasing. Perhaps you could learn a new skill that might appeal to a prospective partner. There are many threads devoted to service, one of my favorites being... Specific resources for service Be mindful of not allowing your desire to please and be pleasing morph into a parody of itself. You give the impression, in your forum posts and your profile, that you can be a genleman...this is good and will count for much with the right Lady. Best of luck. Oh, just a quick suggestion regarding your profile...you list yourself as an "expert" in many areas. While you may wish to appear at your best, this labeling can backfire. Focus on the important things and leave the labeling to those who need to blow their own trumpets for attention. Also, I would suggest you head over to the Ask A Mistress forum and have a read through of the FAQs thread. Again, best of luck.

KatyLied -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 8:05:49 AM)
I can't stand the term "subbie". That being said, I do what comes naturally. It works best for me if I am with a a partner who provides an environment in which I want to submit. He can do this in various ways. But he is as much a part of this as I am.

81song -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 9:31:45 AM)
I would have to agree with Dark Steve that manners are one thing and one should always have them. I think it makes life a bit nicer. Being a sub is another thing but being a sub one should not leave their manners at the door.

ThePeripatetic -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 9:51:38 AM)
While I agree with everyone that proper decorum should just be a matter of course whether Dom/me, sub, or indifferent, I'm sure you would all agree that there are plenty of people out there who are clueless when it comes to respect and civility. I think most Dommes would just naturally expect this kind of proper behavior from their submissive (reminds me of LadyPact's recent thread "Areas that shouldn't require training"). So perhaps more than anything, this behavior won't necessarily make you standout as an exceptional submissive but it would certainly make you an exceptionally bad submissive if the behavior wasn't present.

LadyPact -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 11:18:46 AM)
Bones did an excellent job in her response here. While I don't attribute the acts of a gentleman to be submissive in nature (plenty of Dominants out there know how to be gentlemen, too) the behavior is certainly going to come into play when you do meet the right Domme. What I would suggest to you if you are really looking to be a better submissive is to volunteer your time. Do charity work and do so with the approach that you are serving others. There are so many opportunities out there. Not only does it make other people's day brighter but it will also help to feed your submissive nature. Plus, you never know. You might just run across a Domme like Me who believes in service to the community. [:)]

AAkasha -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 11:20:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: art4YOU It apears a few of us subbies have not been fortunate enough to have been taken in hand yet by a Lady, myself included. Being just naturally submissive i have been thinking of ways i may practice being a subbie in the vanilla world. The main way i have determined is the simple practice of just minding my manners. It is amazing how being polite and mannerly works for me. Often i eat in restaurants and i always say "Yes Ma'am", "or "Thank You Ma'am" to the waitresses. They absolutely light up and i always get awesome service...these Ladies work hard and usually get treated indifferently and having someone show a bit of manners and Respect for them...( while NOT hitting on them for a phone number or anything, just being Mannerly) seems to help them feel better about their-selves, and the world in general...oh and i leave a tip...fair but not outrageous. Another way i practice ; driving through a parking lot there will ALWAYS be an older Lady struggling to make it through the line of traffic i make it a point to stop and wave to them, give them a smile and let them take their time going where they are headed. The smiles they give in return always make me feel great..and They get safely to where they are going. There must be many of us subbies who do this. What are some of your ideas...?. True this is NOT ..."real PLAY" but i believe it actually is "Lifestyle training" and IS a way to show i DO respect ALL Women . i hope this will eventually make me better able to serve when i am fortunate enough to have a true relationship with a Caring and Dominant Lady. What do Y/you think? When you see a little old man struggling in the parking lot, does he get ignored instead? Akasha

Focus50 -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 11:51:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I can't stand the term "subbie". Me neither...! When I was growing up, it was a slang barb for "subnormal" and nurture has a way of sticking with for life. And now, if it's subnormal to be submissive, there's only one place that that leaves a complementing dominant.... Nothing for this topic; hijack ends now. Focus.

lilredsubmarine -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 10:25:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rule One of the characteristics of a true sub, I was told by one, is that they desire to please other people. He obviously does. Hrm. But if a sub does not possess that desire to please other people, does that make him/her/them (i hate our society's binary gender structure, but that's a topic for another day) not a "true" sub? What if the sub only desires to please their Dom/me(s)? Or at least doesn't desire to please eeeeeveryone, but rather, only those they consider worth pleasing? Which leads me to this.... quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder well then I guess we're all true subbies who actually have manners. I'm submissive in personality but that doesn't mean I want to please every human on earth. There are some people I like to see live in misery and wouldn't pick up a single finger to help them because they don't deserve my desire to please. i completely agree, and am so resisting the urge to high-five wonder right now. [:D] But then does this mean that we are not "true" subs because we don't want to roll over and have our belly scratched by anyone who'll let us fetch their paper? (lol sorry, i've been researching petplay dynamics lately, and the difference between "puppies" and "kitties", and i personally identify a lot more with cats than dogs....[8D]) quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I can't stand the term "subbie". lol i was beginning to think i might be the only one who got a little twitch in their eye whenever they read the word "subbie". i'm not sure why i dislike it so much, perhaps because i feel it insinuates a lack of respect for submission and those who give it (though i'm sure most actually mean to use it as a term of endearment... i just personally don't find it very endearing). A final point i'd like to raise, just out of interest for the OP, is that manners is such a cultural thing. No Aussie man under the age of 40 will hold a door open for a woman as a matter of course (okay, that's a big generalisation i know, but for the sake of argument lets just go with it) unless he's on a date or she's carrying 10 bags of groceries and a screaming child. During my student exchange in Texas, it took me quite a while to get used to having the door held open for me, and being called "Ma'am", and being offered a seat on the bus-- all by highschool boys. i even found that by the end of the year, i had gotten so used to it that i would actually "ahem" a guy if he didn't hold a door open for me! So keep the cultural aspect in mind if you plan on searching outside your local area for a Lady; what might be a simple common courtesy for Her might be something you hadn't even thought of/realised. And good luck! [:)]

coookie -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/15/2011 10:38:55 PM)
Oh hell, I love humiliation and detest the word "subbie". To the OP ... I think that manners are very important so keep on practicing.

tazzygirl -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/16/2011 12:12:00 AM)
the term "subbie" bothers me too. guess im the only one, so far, bothered by the "naturally submissive" part.

myotherself -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/16/2011 12:49:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl guess im the only one, so far, bothered by the "naturally submissive" part. I stopped getting irritated by that term quite a while ago [:)] I figure that I'm naturally submissive to my Master, but to the rest of the world I'm a fairly gregarious "alpha" woman. He's not one of those guys who demands his girl is submissive to everyone - in fact, his only requirement is that I act in a ladylike manner. So yes, I figure I'm a natural submissive because with him, submission comes naturally. As for the rest of the world, they get the aforementioned good manners that everyone should show, unless they demonstrate they are not worthy of those manners.

tazzygirl -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/16/2011 2:31:26 AM)
quote: So yes, I figure I'm a natural submissive because with him, submission comes naturally. As for the rest of the world, they get the aforementioned good manners that everyone should show, unless they demonstrate they are not worthy of those manners. Exactly. So, who is a natural submissive and who isnt is just another form of .. who is a true submissive and who isnt. Unless someone is in shackles and an unwilling participant (minus those whose fetish is shackles and forced submission... heh... always gotta have those disclaimers! [:D] ) i would suggest anyone who is submissive to anyone else is "naturally submissive".

LillyBoPeep -> RE: to be a better subbie? (1/16/2011 5:38:29 AM)
i think "naturally submissive" is a self-ascribed title -- because many people DON'T feel they are naturally submissive, especially in Master/slave relationships. if someone wants to describe him/herself that way, i don't have a problem with it. for myself i just say "generally submissive personality" -- "generally" doesn't mean "universally" =p haha i do like to do things that make other people happy, though -- it's not about who's more of "twue submissive," just different ways of expressing something that may not have anything to do with submission in a BDSM context. =p making someone happy doesn't equate to submissive; "submissive" is just willingness to accept authority from someone else. being concerned with the happiness of others sometimes comes along with submissiveness, but isn't the same thing. each person rounds out their version of submission with the bits of their personality, and the unique ways they express it. oh and i don't mind "subbie" -- i think it's cute, though maybe that's just my "little" personality showing. =p whether or not it's patronizing depends on the person saying it, at least for me.

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